Ghosting in a relationship explained – what it means, looks like, as well as what Ghosting is NOT.
Ghosting has been a major buzzword in relationships for some time, and increasingly when it comes to casual dating (minus exclusivity).
It was a term originally derived from committed relationships, where someone would completely blindside their significant other by leaving the relationship and disappearing altogether.
The prevalence of the term is so widespread that oftentimes, in fact, we’re misinterpreting what Ghosting actually means. And that’s what I aim to address and corect in this post.
What exactly does Ghosting look like in relationships?
They disappear or go MIA without warning or explanation
The key phrase here is without warning or explanation. Ghosting quite literally means someone left the relationship without any direct confirmation, indication or desire of doing so.
Here are some clear examples:
- You come home from work to find your partner and all of their belongings packed and gone with no recollection or direct indication of anything wrong in the relationship.
- You and your partner were/are working through some struggles in a mutual effort to repair the relationship, and then one day you’re not able to reach them or make contact anymore (by phone, in-person and social media).
- You and your partner had just celebrated an important milestone and were even intimate the night prior. You wake up the next morning to find a note from your partner saying, “I’m sorry.” They never return or make contact again.
It’s important to keep in mind that someone in a relationship can communicate their unhappiness, but that doesn’t always mean they want out. An unhappy partner can still desire to stay in the relationship and make it work.
Unprecedented clues of departure are minimized
Make no mistake, I did say that Ghosting means no trail left behind. In other words, someone left the relationship high and dry with no trace or indication of doing so. Since we’re talking about imperfect human beings, we’re not always equipped for making clean getaways.
It is possible for someone to leave specific clues of a quick departure in a relationship, but certain factors make these clues easier to suggest (i.e., you live together).
For example (*keeping in mind that these are suggestive examples),
- You find out that your partner has secretly opened up a separate bank account and is stockpiling their money there.
- You found out your partner signed a lease to another place of residence, unbeknownst to you.
- You stumbled upon one-way plane tickets (suggesting that wherever they are going, they have no plans of returning indefinitely).
- Your partner is more evasive about their increasing absence, aloofness and strange whereabouts (i.e., more of their time is spent away from you and your shared place of residence).
The difference is when you bring these clues to light your partner only continues to subdue them. They may even come up with excuses, say things to make you seem like the *crazy* one, or simply downplay your findings with, “There’s nothing wrong.”
While I stand by the definition that Ghosting behavior is without warning or explanation, there can be unprecedented red flags leading up.
They’re never seen or heard from again
Ghosting, in its entirety, means someone disappears and is never to be seen or heard from again. Period.
Is that always so cut and dry? No, I’m sure there are some instances where the disappearing partner is resurrected in some fashion down the road.
For instance, you happen to bump into them at the supermarket, see them out with mutual friends or “stumble upon” their new account on social media to see they’ve moved on. Someone who Ghosts you may even use others to do their dirty work or clean up their mess – i.e., coming by to get their things.
But by definition, Ghosting means that person will make zero direct attempts to contact you and/or re-surface in your life.
What Ghosting is NOT
They express a desire to leave or end the relationship, to then disappear
If someone has communicated that they no longer want to be in the relationship, to then disappear or go MIA, that is not considered Ghosting. *This is not to be confused with expressing unhappiness or discontentment in a relationship.
They disappear and reappear time and time again
Ghosting does not have an unlimited lifeline. When someone is truly Ghosting in a relationship, they will disappear once and for all.
They’ve disappeared until you make contact with them
Ghosting is not like playing hide and seek. They aren’t invisible or MIA only until you’ve found them or made contact.
For example, you and your partner get into a fight. Your partner decides to leave, whether they’ve disclosed where they’re going or not. After some time, you begin to worry that your partner has not returned or reached out to you. After [3 days, 3 hours] they finally return or respond.
That is not Ghosting.