I think this applies to literally everyone, because we could all benefit from being a better friend. That doesn’t mean we are expected to meet perfection, no-no, but I am saying that we can all take a step back and a step up now and then. There are every day ways to be a better friend, and these are the things that are often neglected and forgotten yet carry significant weight!
I know that as I got older, into my young adulthood (20s), my friendship circle started getting smaller and smaller – naturally, I’d say. Life brings about new opportunities, big changes and milestones as well as the inevitable hardship and times of struggle. Life really can get the best of us, especially over time, and I believe life is constantly shaping, reforming and molding us.
The points we discuss:
There have been friend groups that dwindled and slowly dispersed, friendships I lost touch with and even friends I had to let go of. While I can look back and say I definitely could have done things different, better, to have *saved* friendships lost…I don’t necessarily think that’s the point. There are friendships who are meant to be in your life and those that aren’t.
We have to remember that some of the best friendships may only last a season! And some of the worst friendships stuck around far too long or were impossible to release. We really shouldn’t cling so tight to the idea that a friendship, or a healthy one, is merely based on it’s life expectancy.
While this is not an exhaustive list, and I gather there are so many other ways, this is mine (and you’re free to add to it). Either way, there is always room to being a better friend…whether that’s for a friendship season or a life long best friend.
11 Every day ways to be a better friend
Initiate, even if you were the last one to
We’ve really got to stop keeping score like we do. While I’m not saying to tolerate an extreme or negligent imbalance of effort, we really should have a longer leash on the whole 1:1 rule.
I’m certainly guilty of waiting around for a text reply with the mentality of, “I did my part – it’s their turn.” But how often are we looking for grace from others while not willing to extend it ourselves?
Avoid leaving messages on Read
At least not long enough for its value to deplete. This happens whether we think it, want it, or agree to it. When you leave that friend’s text message on Read or phone call to voicemail not responded to, over time it can signal the depreciation of its value. Yes, meaning, that not only the message but the person behind it has less and less priority.
No, this does not mean I support the entitlement to one another’s time. There is such a thing as an unrealistic response-time on both extremes – one being far too instantaneous and the other being left in the dark for weeks or months. Each side is heavily focused on self-convenience without consideration for the other.
If we are prone to letting messages or missed calls sit, essentially forgotten, for longer than necessary and for extended periods you would deem faulty if roles were reversed then the same standard applies if you wouldn’t let food sit out until its too cold to eat.
Allow room for grace in times of *waiting*
This may seem like the opposite of the point above, but it’s really not. I’ve said it and I’ll continue to say it – there’s a balance to things. Life is full of ups, downs, side ways and back ways – it’s, inarguably, not always linear (or *perfectly* balanced).
I picture life as being on a huge totem pole – that totem pole represents all the things that matter to us (our priorities, concerns, struggles, success, celebrations, obstacles, opportunities, milestones, as well as the people that come and go in our lives), and all those things in it are constantly moving up and down that totem pole. New things are coming in while the old may be leaving.
So how can we expect other’s lives to be stationary, stagnant or a constancy – where we are always in the same place on their totem pole, or better yet at the tippy top (somewhere, at all times)? We often anticipate this level of priority, especially of those close to us and whom we supposedly Love.
That means our connection with others won’t always be linear, either. And, for one, it’s normal for people to [still] experience phone tag, even in our more modern times. Texting, unfortunately, has somewhat omitted this rather natural concept in the name of “connection at our fingertips” – literally.
If we’re ceasing connections or friendships in our life over random bouts of phone tag, then we may have over-corrected our efforts to the meaning of *staying connected*. AKA, we’re going about it all wrong.
TBH, I think we have removed the room for grace in times of waiting because technology promotes the total opposite. Instead we’re hyper-focused on staying connected – maybe too connected – while minimizing anything non-linear. As a result, IMO, we may have even twisted the real meaning of friendship.
So what does allowing room for grace *look like* in times of waiting these days? Well, for one thing, it starts with having the mentality that you fit into someone’s life, and that being a privilege.
Be supportive where you can, and Loving otherwise
What is support? Think of the legs of a chair. What does it mean to be supportive? From the chair POV, it means being a leg on which it stands (to function).
Not everything can/should be supported – we can all agree here. That means no one should just support *everything*. And vice versa. This does not mean a person is unloving, nor does this mean they do not honor the free will of another.
Surely, even, there are going to be menial, trivial things people choose whether or not to support. For example, you have a friend that is going on the carnivore diet. And while you do not support it – as possibly a vegan – you can still Love them through their diet journey without sending them recipes, having to serve meat-based foods in your company, or make any changes to your diet for their sake. This does not make you unloving.
A second example would be not supporting drinking to the point of belligerency, regardless if a friend attributes that to having a *fun* lifestyle. By not supporting, you do not participate or condone (express approval of, excuse, pardon, or *okay*) it. This may mean you do not participate by paying for your friend’s drinks, serving them alcohol personally, or it may mean you don’t go out drinking with them, period. This does not make you unloving.
A third, more controversial, example may be not supporting the *celebratory* party of a friend’s recent divorce by not attending the gathering. Even if you believe divorce was the right choice or support their choice regardless, you don’t necessarily have to support their view of treating divorce as something to *celebrate*. This does not make you unloving.
Let’s think about some other pretty common, yet cringe-y areas where involuntary support creeps in. Differing religions and religious practices, whether or not a friend *celebrates* certain Holidays or birthdays, differing in political beliefs and policies as well as unhealthy dating and relationship behaviors or patterns and lifestyle choices.
I’m stressing this point because we’re so often told that being supportive is to be Loving, when it’s not. You can be unsupportive about something and still be Loving. We’re also well-informed that to be unsupportive is somehow to minimize or express eradication of free will – not true.
To further my example, it actually isn’t Loving of someone to encourage or contribute to a friend’s belligerent drinking habits (if they do not support it), regardless if that friend reacts negatively to unsupport.
That said, friendship is deeply engrained with this idea that you involuntarily support everything they choose (including being against the things they are). Let’s imagine, for a second, how the demolishment of this concept will be an immediate ick to many. Friendships will be so easily torn apart and divided (more than they already are) because we’ve defined support as this sense of oneness, and oneness as Love. Support means to go along to get along – you could even say it’s another form of submission.
Call me crazy but by being all-supportive of everything someone chooses or believes, how do we know if that support ultimately means guiding them into a ditch? Or what if being all-supportive means we, ourselves, end up falling into that ditch?
Call me crazy, again, but I firmly believe being a better friend doesn’t equate to being all-supportive. You can Love someone and not support everything they do. Therefore, be supportive where you can and Loving otherwise.
Refrain from the dark pit of “matching their energy”
Like, whatever happened to Love your neighbor as yourself orrr treat people the way you would want to be treated? No? Nothin’? Now all I hear is, “Match their energy,” when all that’s really telling me is people are actually Pro Vengeance. I see this too much, where friends are no exception, unfortunately.
You’re here because you want to be a better friend in every day ways, well, matching their energy is not the way. This is a dark pit I see many, including myself, fall into so, so easily. It’s as simple as, “Oh, how convenient of you to call when you know I’m busy, so I’m going to call you back at your most inconvenient time!“
When the whole matching their energy came to fruition, it wasn’t about turning the other cheek (which many take WAY of out context) but retaliation. In other words, “Gotcha,“, “Oh that’s how you wanna be? I can give it right back,“, and “See how it feels.” We’re using big words and adult ideology, as if we’ve somehow been enlightened and can claim emotional maturity, but at the end of the day the meaning behind it all is still inarguably childish.
IDK, matching their energy just sounds like respond to violence with violence to me.
Are we REALLY doing any good when we match people’s negative energy with more negative energy? Could we be projecting energy based on how we feel and not the facts? Besides, do we actually think matching energy is a lesson [learned] for anyone? IMO, it only promotes more retaliation (negative cycles), at best. At its worst, I think it teaches people to default to this level of behavior while preaching a utopia of being “Love and Light”.
So, for instance, you give your friend a birthday gift and when yours comes around it’s *crickets* – no gift, just a Happy Birthday. You decide to match their energy by no longer giving them a gift on their birthday, because in your mind if they were a true friend they’d reciprocate the gesture. What if your friend is having money issues? What if your friend simply decided *this* year they were going to bypass gifting? Or is it unfathomable for people to eventually stop over-celebrating birthdays without attributing it to their character? Is it genuinely possible for someone to STILL be a friend and not give you a gift (or be expected to)?
Have we thought to consider these questions before stooping to a new low we have no real desire to be to begin with?
We’re seriously in a dark, dark place if we have to resort to making people feel as low as we do in order to feel better about ourselves. Every day is an opportunity to be a better example, which isn’t always the easy, self-satisfying one!
Give them the benefit of the doubt
What does this mean? It means to believe something good about someone instead of bad when you can do either. So, you could definitely use this point to reinforce the one above!
How often are we quick to judge, assume, and solely take our feelings as facts rather than to give people (friends) the benefit of the doubt? Surely our friends are friends, so who to deserve this more in our eyes, right?
Let’s face it, we’re really good at assuming the worst about people first and it’s much more difficult to give people the benefit of the doubt. When we see the female cashier with this stone-cold look on her face, barely acknowledges your existence as if you’re a bother, and forcefully shoves your groceries into a bag – it’s easy to describe her at her worst. Who is to say she didn’t just get the worst news of her life prior to her shift?
Giving the benefit of the doubt does not mean tolerating maltreatment. It also doesn’t mean to minimize personal boundaries for the sake of benefitting another. Yet, again, we should discern whether or not we’re quick to condemn without confidence in their trust. Some pretty common examples might be,
- The friend who cancels plans last minute, unexpectedly with or without reason.
- When you show up early and your friend is a little late.
- They don’t call you when they said they would (they forgot, lost track of time, told you the wrong time, ended up being busy, had something come up, etc.)
Ease up on the insignificant things
We’re told to accept someone as they are, right? Right?
This includes the friend that’s always late, talks a lot (like, doesn’t have a filter), chews obnoxiously loud with their mouth open, is a major klutz, their annoying OCD tendencies, or deals with almost crippling anxiety in social settings.
The reality is, everyone has a quality (or qualities) that is considered less-than-ideal to another.
When I say to ease up on the insignificant things, I mean to lighten up on the things that don’t (or shouldn’t, really) have any effect or impact on the friendship. Annoyances are not deal-breakers – er, rather, they shouldn’t be. But I find we’re way too concerned with little, insignificant things and this can do silent damage to the important part of any friendship: the foundation.
Boundaries, so you can Love them better
Boundaries are Loving because they are the healthy separation between you and me; otherwise, we’re just going to chaotically step all over each other how we see fit.
Sure, there are healthy boundaries and unhealthy boundaries – boundaries that facilitate connection vs boundaries that break, hinder, or prohibit any connection.
Unfortunately, boundaries have a bad reputation of being seen as a form of punishment, which makes people feel guilty setting boundaries (especially with family and friends) that may upset the other person. I still say refer to the first sentence of this point and it proves why boundaries are still a necessary part of life and relationships regardless of how others receive them.
But how are boundaries Loving others? This one I always struggled with, and it’s helped me to have visual examples to understand and make the connection – it first starts with accepting that boundaries are innately good, but can often be misunderstood and used poorly.
You Love your friends better when…
-…you tell your friend that you won’t be responding to texts after 6pm because that’s family time. *You’re loving them by letting them know what the good times are to reach them to talk.
-…you decline going to the bar because you aren’t drinking, and instead suggest a different place to meet. *You’re loving them by informing them that you want to spend time with them, but in a different environment.
-…you put an end to the conversation and say, “I no longer want to talk about this – can we talk about something else?” *You’re loving them by not engaging in the behavior which always ends in [the silent treatment, a heated fight, etc.].
-…you let your [always “late”] friend know that being an hour late (to an important event) with no heads up is unacceptable and an abuse of your time. *You’re loving them by showing them the difference between unconditional Love and involuntary acceptance (you Love them beyond their tardy habits, but that that doesn’t mean you tolerate it as an excuse for “who they are”).
Check in just to check in
Remember the days where solid 5-minute conversations used to just be, “Hey, how you are doing lately? Yeah? Good, good. I know last week you said was rough because […], so that’s good to hear. Well, nice catching up with you – it’s been hectic lately for me, so I’ll talk to you next week!“?
If you’re a younger Millennial and up, you probably have no clue. Before texting really came about, we’d check in with our friends, yes, almost out of “duty” yet it never felt obligated or burdensome. Why? Because we weren’t likely in-contact as constant as we currently are, nor was this an expectation. If we didn’t hear from a friend for a couple weeks, no big, because it gave you something meaningful to talk about when you did.
We didn’t depend on a daily text or phone call back then, so you’d think checking in would come more naturally for such a text-focused culture. Wrong.
Thanks to texting, conversations never…really…end? I really do think we’ve lost touch with the meaning of checking in just to check in. Almost like we no longer need to?? No, really, I guarantee there are those who feel that if they have to check in with friends, they will say that’s no friendship at all if you’re speaking so far and few to have to have that conversation.
As redundant, tedious and plain ole’ boring as it seems, checking in just to check in with friends is probably one of the most overlooked and underrated things we can do today. It’s a stark quality of friendship that speaks inconceivable volumes, and we’re often missing its point.
Make them feel included, regardless if they show
As a more introverted, social-awkward person…I wasn’t always one with the urge to socialize, or go out. I declined outings, a lot, but what I discovered is that I still really, really appreciated being invited, anyway. I always did my best to respond – er, decline, rather – with gratefulness and appreciation for being included in the plans, regardless of whether I would go. It felt good to be remembered.
Being included makes the world of a difference for people like me, and many others. This includes individuals with busy, chaotic or wonky schedules due to work, children, long distance, or sleep.
So this is your reminder to make sure that all your friends feel included in some way, even if you know they’re the type to no-go, no-show or back out last minute.
Be more accepting of your friend’s other friends
Here’s a hard truth: your friend likely has other friends besides you (individual friends or friend groups). Even if you are their best friend, you are not the one and only friend in their life.
If you share a similar friend group, great, but that still means your friend is able to have individual friendships with other individuals apart from you in that group.
This was a HARD realization I had in high school, when my childhood best friend made friends from another group. She’d get together with these people, without me, and I felt betrayed and left out. While this was completely valid of me to feel, in turn I expected something different from my best friend that was unrealistic. I essentially didn’t want her to have friends outside of myself, or at least without me being included. Even then, I often complained when she did because ultimately I wanted to spend more time with just her. I wasn’t happy either way, and this is where I was totally in the wrong.
You know what’s hard? Watching your friend, or best friend, plan and go on a trip with another friend that’s not you. Or seeing pictures on social media of your friend having a good time out with people from work when it’s been weeks or months since you saw them last.
These are all hard things, at the same time we do need to watch that we aren’t gatekeeping our friends from having other friends. And this does include having friends apart from you.
