Have you ever realized that some of the things you could be saying have an immediate and negative effect on your relationship/marriage? Whether you’re in a rocky place already, or in a healthy commitment, there are toxic and immature things we shouldn’t be saying in relationships – period.
And yet we’re all guilty of saying these very things at some point, as well as different variations of them.
The words you choose and the way you behave have a much bigger impact on a relationship than you may think. And in any relationship, it’s natural to get comfortable, which is fine, but at times we need to reevaluate how our words could be more damaging than we intend.
10+ Toxic and immature things we shouldn’t be saying in relationships
“I’ll just up and leave – then that?”
Basically, any threat towards ending or leaving your relationship – whether you mean it, actually go through with it or not. Execution is significant here, because if this is your default go-to in breaking up with someone, then it shows impulsivity and inconsideration.
Threatening the relationship is also commonly used as an ultimatum, or to get the other to do what they want.
The last thing you need to do is jeopardize the strength and meaning of your relationship by threatening to walk away from it on a dime.
“You’ll never do better than me…”
As if. If this has to be said, then the claim is already false. Sorry, but anyone can find better than the person who says that to their spouse. Even when it is said the other way around, “I can always find better out there – do you know how lucky someone would be to have me?“
Bottom line is, don’t aim for below the belt – especially when it is directed towards one another’s dignity. Because if anyone with a brain is smart enough, they will realize if those words can be used against them – they can do much better and would be better off without.
“Just shut up and listen.”
I’m not necessarily talking about the playfulness of silly jabber, but in the all seriousness of possible hardship, conflict, tension and confrontation.
If you can’t have a serious discussion, civilly, that is both considerate and respectful of one another without “shut up“, “stop, just listen” or the two in the same sentence…that’s only a one-liner rough draft of communication problems.
While this one may not carry vast weight or meaning on the surface, the implication of shut up and listen still says, “You’re stupid – nobody cares what you have to say – you shouldn’t speak – your words don’t matter – your perspective is denied – I don’t want to listen to you – your voice is not welcome – listen to me, and me only – what I say goes…” and so on.
“Maybe if your [i.e., mother] wasn’t so [insert negative adjective]…”
It isn’t so much what is trying to be said, but how it is articulated. Whether it be pertaining to friends, family or siblings, at what point are we stooping too low or normalizing living out the relationship completely…unfiltered.
The focus is less about, “Is this kind? Is this reasonable? Is this helpful?” and more about, “Is this how I feel right now? Then don’t think – just shout it!” Here’s some other examples:
“Ugh, I can’t stand any of your friends – how can you even associate with them?“,
“Your brother is such a POS, he pisses me off so much,“,
“Why does your family all suck? Like, they’re the worst.“
We just say what we want to say, whatever’s in our head, no matter how it’s worded, sounds and comes across. TBH, we speak before we think – er, or we’ve simply become too comfortable vocalizing criticism without an iota of conviction or introspection.
For lack of better words, when we resort to saying things like this to our partner or in the relationship, it’s really just word vomit that feels good and temporarily satisfies pride rather than actually addressing and conveying the issue within our heart.
“I don’t have time for your problems.”
You just returned home after a 14-hour workday, just to have to get up in 6 to work again. Your spouse immediately starts rambling on about something that happened to them that day, and you quickly throw down the towel, “I don’t want to hear about your problems.”
You’re tired, you just want to shower and stuff your face with food after a long day – who wouldn’t understand that? But what your spouse hears is literally what came out of your mouth, maybe for the second time that week or whenever they try to vent to you about something.
Eventually, and naturally, this can start to look like avoidance, indifference, and even neglect.
Life can be stressful and draining at times – no doubt about it. In a relationship, there’s certainly a time and place to respect a partner’s need to space and peace, and yet there’s a balance there.
So if you’re often relaying to your partner that you don’t want to hear them or don’t have time for their *problems*, what’s being perpetually created and normalized here is emotional distance. And it’s important to be taking the issue to heart and better communicating what it is we actually need in that given moment.
“[You never, you need to, you better..]..do this/stop that…”
We don’t like bringing it up, but nagging generally comes off as a “below the belt” or resentful accusation, demand or ultimatum. We can’t act like nagging isn’t a real thing and prevalent in relationships, regardless of reason.
Nagging originates from something repetitively communicated that either isn’t followed, respected or satisfied. Generally speaking, nagging isn’t necessarily about what is being said but how it’s said or worded.
Forewarning, I am not for one side or the other here. Though I will point out some common phrases that are typically defined as being nagging:
“You need to fix the sink – how many times do I have to tell you?” *A repetitive demand.
“You never bring me flowers like Susan’s husband does!” *A resentful accusation.
“You better step up around here with the kids,” *A repetitive demand ending in an ultimatum.
I’m speaking to both sides when I say this, but you’re a partner; you’re not to be a parent or a delinquent. This goes without saying that no one is perfect, exempt from making mistakes and designed to perform or operate exactly and according to someone else. Meaning, for example, your partner will think, do, say, belief and behave differently from you.
Moreover, the emphasis of this point is about checking ourselves – on both sides here. Relationships do not thrive when making demands and demonizing our partner in times of unmet needs, bitterness and resentment are normalized.
“You never put out,” or “I’d put out more *if you*..”
From either direction on this merry-go-round, this never *works* the way we think or intend it to.
Honestly, I don’t have too much to say on the matter, and that’s simply because I don’t place sex on the high, entitled pedestal many do. But I can tell you two things:
- Saying “you never put out,” is a sure-fire way to ensure you continue not getting it, and
- Saying, “I’d put out more *if you*…[do this/do that],” only makes sex strictly transactional rather than treated as something valued to enjoy as both partners put in the work on all aspects of the relationship.
Because this post is about the toxic and immature things we shouldn’t be saying in relationships, these are included since both only stress self-gratification instead of addressing and discussing the root problem in the relationship.
“Why are you being such a good-for-nothing asshole right now?”
Name calling – joking, or not – is never acceptable in any relationship.
If you’ve ever been called something that jerks your chain in some fashion, you know that it makes you feel invaluable to that person. And the last person you want to feel invaluable to, or cause to feel invaluable, is your spouse. Plus, it’s just plain disrespectful all around, and caddy.
These are such names that can sting – known for their harsh definition – not pet names, like “Goober”. So if you’re already accustomed to doing abrasive name calling in your relationship, you’ve possibly already done subtle damage you may not be able to uncover right away.
Find the underlying reason for the name calling – where does it stem from? When does it usually happen? And find a way to eliminate it from your relationship vocabulary.
“You’re lucky I haven’t cheated on you…”,
“It’s not like I lied to you…”, or
“You’re really going to act this way over this one time? (cheating, lying, secrecy, etc.)”
This, above all, is not only a threat but self-centered, untrustworthy manipulation in your relationship.
If anything alike of those statements have been used in the relationship, the first thing to think about is what was done for the cause of that to be said. These sayings are also very good indicators, when said, of how loyal, honest and trustworthy that person is. And if I’m going to guess, I’d say not at all.
Other than merely trying to implicate guilt onto the other person by saying it, they could also be hiding the fact they have either been in the wrong or plan on it in the future. It could be their way of testing your patience and forgiveness in the relationship – how far you would be willing to accept and stick around on the severity of the situation.
“Just forget about it.”
This is said in many given situations – it’s so common it’s almost overrated.
Maybe you did or said something that bothers your spouse, so you try to talk about it, and your spouse cuts the subject by simply saying, “just forget about it.”
Or it could be the reverse – you try to talk to your spouse about something they did or said that bothered you, but they just keep telling you to “just forget about it.”
Again, it’s now become a created distance, and avoidance of communication. And when this type of situation is pressured by either parties – it can sometimes over boil over uncontrollably.
I’m sure that has happened many times, and you may be thinking, “I can’t believe it blew up over this – if my spouse would just talk to me, none of it would’ve happened…” or “Why does my spouse insist on talking about ____, I told him to move on and just forget about it – I don’t know why he keeps bringing it up again and again.”
Believe me, one of my past relationships circulated around this issue. Certain situations were never resolved in my eyes, because I was always being told to ‘just forget about it‘, while also being told that ‘I keep bringing the situation up again, and again, and again.‘
There was an intense lack of communication on his part, and because of that he resorted to shutting down and shutting me out. This, over time, created even more emotional distance as well as deepened unhealthy communication (for the little that there was) – a huge resulting factor to our ugly split.
It isn’t fair to leave one person in the dark while the other is quick and able to wipe the dirt off their hands and move on. This phrase is not the right way to try to ‘nip it in the bud’ – it will usually only leave your spouse more confused or certain that the situation is left unresolved.
“I don’t need your help…”,
“I got it…”, or
“I can do this on my own.”
Okay, I know we’re all guilty of this.
At some point, we all want to know we can handle doing things on our own – sure, I get it. But in certain avenues, these phrases can easily be taken out of context. More likely with how it is being said.
Let’s say you’re frustrated in a task and your spouse asks to attempt to help. If you blatantly and angrily stir them away using those words, are they ever going to really want to help you in the future? Probably not.
If you consistently never allow them to assist you (because they want to, not because you asked), they’re going to assume you’re a one-man team and begin to feel very left out in the relationship. This isn’t a matter of whether it’s something your spouse can actually help with, it’s the act of using these phrases and how they are said. I know this sounds so petty, but try to think of it in terms of their way of trying to spend time with you – if you’re cooking, angrily trying to fix something or folding laundry, and you shoo your spouse away when they try to help – what does that say in their eyes?
“I don’t care about what you have to say.”
Another ‘below the belt’ phrase that can be misconstrued in the heat of argument or conflict. Many times, this is meant to say, “What you’re saying to me is very irrelevant in terms of the actual problem…” But, that’s never how it comes across. So instead, we provoke our spouses feelings in hopes to get them to listen and agree with you rather than speak. But in actuality, that never works.
Try having a conversation with your spouse about a specific topic you know you both differ on. If in the middle of that conversation your spouse interrupts with, “I don’t care about what you have to say.”, think about how that would make you feel. Sounds like they don’t value your opinion or values, and they definitely aren’t showing any respect for you.
“If you’re going to do this, then I’m going to do that…”
Tit for tat. If I could literally tag this behavior and phrase as one of the biggest killers of marriages/relationships – next to cheating/lying/abuse – I would. And the horrific part is most don’t even realize they’re doing it. And they do it almost constantly. I mean, even I’m guilty of it in my past. But what I eventually learned is by doing that, and lowering myself to doing that it caused me to want to act out against my relationships, to spite them, or so I thought it was to ‘teach him a lesson‘ or ‘show him how it feels‘.
Allow me to go into some examples:
… well he went out with his friends and blew $100 without consulting me first, so I’m going to go spend that money and get my hair done
… well he lied about texting that girl, so I’m going to go out and get guys to hit on me and ask for my number
… well he didn’t get up off the couch today, so I’m just going to leave the house a filthy mess
I could go on, and on. Some aren’t as serious, but many are. Because over 75% of the time, tit for tat is caused by frustration or irritation by something your spouse did, does, said or says in which you refuse to confront them about. Mostly tit for tat is simply an unspoken action, but it also can be spoken. And if you or your spouse can allow this to be said to one another, then the relationship is becoming based on reversed, hateful, immature and unhealthy qualities.
“I don’t love/like you right now…”
I mean, really, why say that?
And I know it happens – you likely think it more often than you say it.
Do you purposely want your spouse to believe that to be true? Go ahead and think it all you want – he was an insensitive prick for not consoling you after getting fired from your job – because even though saying it isn’t actually true, it just confirms how you feel.
And that’s fine, you’re not going to ‘like’ your spouse all the time, but do they really need to hear it? And especially if you say you don’t ‘love’ them in a given moment – that’s cutting a short, short fuse. But to actually say that to your spouse, aloud, is like branding into their brain the capability of not being loved/liked by you.
“You can’t cook, you’re not handy – what can you do?”
In a marriage/relationship, a solid foundation is made by building one another up. There are going to be things one does better over the other, and things one is more advanced or knowledgeable in. And for one thing, it definitely isn’t the job of a spouse to market the other’s weaknesses or failures. Instead of pointing out weaknesses or failures, it could benefit the relationship by building up each other’s weaker skills together.
“Would you just settle down?”, “Relax!”, “Let it go!”, “It’s not a big deal…”
So I know a lot of men are guilty of this, mostly. But I’m sure women say it, too. And me being a woman, I’ll say it’s a trigger that gets my blood boiling. And when these things are being said, I would imagine the person hearing it has steam coming out their ears, too. But, to put it simply – men, hello out there, welcome – they just don’t know any better. I mean, truly, those words shouldn’t be as offensive as they come across. Some, women mostly, do have the tendency to make mountains out of molehills – am I right? It’s just in our nature as emotional, over analyzing thinkers. And we sometimes can’t help that – at all.
And the predicament here is: we, as women, do need to (at times) take one, large, hefty chill pill.
Our spouses just don’t know a way around saying that without making us sound crazy – because that’s what we think they’re saying when they use those phrases, right? Yes and no. Men are simple. Men tend to not dwell or blow up on situations that don’t concern them. Particularly, when they do, they’re more likely to hold it all inside. And there’s the difference.
But these phrases are said, and spoken quite often, it might be time for a reality check. For either spouse, there are going to be things that need ‘letting go‘, but there will also come times you need to swallow the truth and focus on empathy. There are ways around saying these phrases, such as directing the spouse’s attention to another topic or activity, or just simply listen without the intent to speak. Sometimes that’s all it takes – just grin and bear it, and listen.
“But, _______”
The word ‘but‘. That silly, stupid, useless – to rise above what was last said, or saying something just to say it – word. But, why do we say it? Why is it used in many conversations that involve two sides or two opposing views. Do we use the word to rise above the other? Do we use it as a cover-up? Or do we use it just to have the last word? More importantly, we should strive to never use it because it actually hinders trust, credibility and intimacy in relationships.
Never thought of that, huh? Try it sometime. Make a point to notice when you or your spouse use the word in your daily conversations, and understand maybe why it is used. It could be that very tiny crack in your relationship that is waiting to break open.
Unfortunately, it’s quite easy to overlook the things we say that can damage a relationship. And not that I really want to bring back the phrase, ‘think before you speak’, but there really is no better solution. And as humans, it’s likely to say the wrong thing – more than once – but as long as we strive to not make it a habitual part of our lives, any relationship can go far and steady.
Has something you said in your relationship ever have a negative impact? Tell me about it in the comments!