Those who actually read this post are most likely to have an anxious attachment style (not to be confused with the fearful avoidant attachment). Because, alas, I find that it’s the anxiously attached partners who are also more likely to seek out answers and resources. If you aren’t that partner, then I hope this can offer a bit of clarity and provide some help if you’re someone navigating a relationship with a partner who has the anxious attachment style.
I’d like to stress, however, that regardless of your alleged attachment style…no one is above (or worse than) the other. And, really, this shouldn’t become our identity nor should our attachment style ultimately dictate or define who we are. I like to think of it more as a marker, or indicator.
Main topics we will unpack in this post
Every attachment style has their own shortcomings with equal, shared responsibility and each need *improvements* in their own way. Remember, because the goal is striving for a more secure attachment, which is not necessarily fixed or absolute; nobody is ever perfectly *healthy* and secure at all times throughout life and in their relationships.
Now that that’s out of the way, a forewarning: this post is prettttty in-depth – almost 7,000 words! It’s a long one, but definitely worth reading in full to gain a different perspective and better understanding of the anxious attached partner. So please take the time to read the whole thing rather than go cherry picking!
If you’re not already aware, here are some of the common characteristics of the anxious attachment style and an anxious attached partner. This is very easily accessible information to Google search for yourself. These are typically individuals who experience relational anxiety, have an intense fear of rejection and abandonment (i.e., being alone, broken up with, unloved), have difficulty trusting others, are susceptible to having low self-esteem (i.e., have a tendency to seek or define their worth in others), insecurity and being highly self-critical.
These individuals crave and long for closeness and intimacy, where they tend to need consistent, external validation from others yet can also exude hyper-independent behaviors. The anxious attached partner can often struggle with uncertainty and doubt as well as setting, upholding and respecting boundaries. This is someone who experiences jealousy and can become fixated on [obsessed with] their partner (resulting in seeming needy, clingy and demanding).
When it comes to understanding and navigating this attachment style with the goal of a more healthy attachment, what is *actually* helpful? Referring to the above characteristics, I have broken down what the anxious attached partner requires [more] overall into three categories. I mention over 25 word-for-word examples you can say to an anxious attached partner, that actually help, without contributing to their insecurity (unhealthy attachment qualities). Meaning, the goal here – no matter your attachment style – is ultimately striving for healthy (secure) attachment.
So whether you’re the anxious attached partner or you’re in a relationship with someone who is…understanding and utilizing each of these categories may be helpful toward developing healthy attachment.
*If you’re the anxious attached partner, you might start by discussing each of these categories (and the dialogue in each) with your partner so they can gain a better understanding of your needs.
*If you’re not the anxious attached partner, please know that nothing and no one in this life is perfect. Saying and doing all the right things all the time is not realistic, but if your heart is in the right place it will show.
20+ Things to say to an anxious attached partner (that actually help)
Positive affirmation, compliments and appreciation
Surely this one isn’t limited to the anxious attachment style. Everybody wants to receive words of praise, admiration and appreciation, especially from their partner. This is no secret. Aside from the long-tail sequence of compliments and praise we tend to think of, here I’m talking about something a little different.
We should be letting our partner know how privileged we are to have them in our lives and us in theirs. “I don’t deserve you, that’s how *thankful* I am.” THAT kind of energy. I mean, is that incorrect??? We need to get off this weird, self-exalting, entitled pedestal that says we’re worthy without gratitude.
Unfortunately, the anxious attached partners usually get the reputation of needing a lot *more* emotional inflation, particularly from their partner. This need can be contributed by low or unstable self-esteem and insecurity. In other words, these individuals can often be labeled as difficult and *too much*.
Let’s not kid ourselves here – everyone thrives off some form of attention, and everyone in some fashion seeks to draw the attention of others to themselves one way or another, whether we’re conscious about it, trying to or not. Aka, whether we care about what others think of us.
While we’re on that note, anxious attached partners do actually care [a lot] about what their partner thinks and feels about them. We really need to stop coming down so hard on this since human beings are literally wired for connection. And this is one aspect of that desired connection – to be seen, heard and valued.
Let’s let it be known, even if its obvious – an anxious attached partner requires positive affirmation *more*, and I’m not talking about inflating their ego, so what I mean by positive affirmation isn’t necessarily the obvious things you may already tell your partner on a regular basis. BTW, this need doesn’t always equate to insecurity or lack of trust, either.
In the big scheme of things, when an anxious attached partner receives compliments, admiration and appreciation (whether they’re particularly receiving of it, or not), it lets them know THREE things:
- That their partner is happy (content, satisfied, fulfilled, etc.),
- That their partner is grateful (for them, for the relationship, for your life together, etc.), and
- That they [your partner] are valuable to you (they’re indispensable, *needed*), which says, “What would I DO without you?”
Can I just pinpoint something? Maybe this will help make it easier to understand. It truly makes a difference, for me, when my husband says certain things [fairly often, with or without reason] that tells me or translates as that my role in our marriage, my efforts and, frankly, my *existence* in his life does not go unnoticed, both in the mundane and chaos of life. You know? Like, that for my husband to be truly happy he requires me to *take up space* in his life – that that contributes to his fulfillment, joy, confidence, safety, etc.. In turn, this is a vice versa effect – win, win!
There is something so undeniably relieving to know my husband doesn’t want to imagine or can’t fathom life without me, let alone with anyone else. But thanks to my over-thinking, hyper-vigilant, more realist yet worry-susceptible self, doubt creeps in, even when there’s literally no rhyme or reason for it to be there. And I KNOW there are others out there – those who struggle with anxiety and anxious attachment – who can agree that many times our worries make zero sense.
Can I be real here? As a happily married woman, that doesn’t mean I sit here and worry day in and day out that my husband will stop loving me, or leave me. Does it cross my mind? Absolutely, even when it has no business to! Yet I don’t think needing a level of reassurance from my husband now and then is unhealthy, nor is it a crime, especially when the truth is that THE last thing I want to imagine, worry about, have to consider, deal with or prepare for [myself] is that worst case scenario.
Sometimes it’s nice to be reminded of and to know he feels the same, regardless of how ridiculous he thinks it is to have to repeat it – because, well, “I should just KNOW.” And, after all, that’s why he married me. I’ll unpack this more later on.
Again, it’s about that energy I mentioned above, remember? For those reading this who aren’t the anxious partner in the relationship: sometimes your significant other needs to know [feel] that, should know that, deserves to be reminded of that, etc. etc..
So what *particular* things, pertaining to positive affirmation am I referring to? To an anxious attached partner, it’s immensely powerful to hear things outside the box of or in addition to “I Love You”, such as:
“I Love doing life with you,” OR “I can’t imagine doing life without you,“,
“You bring absolute joy to my life,” OR “Life brings me a new meaning of joy with you in it,”,
“I’m more in Love with you today than I was yesterday,” OR “I’ll only Love you more tomorrow,“,
“You make me a better [person, man, woman],”,
“I need you…[in my life],” OR “I couldn’t do this without you,” OR “I don’t want to do life without you!“
[Perfect examples of responses to something your partner says or does besides “thank you“]
“WHAT would I do without you?“,
“Wow, I am so lucky [to have you],“,
“You are.. an incredible person..[the best listener, so nurturing, my biggest supporter, so easy to Love]…you know that?“
Listen, engage, and respond intently
An anxious attached partner WANTS to know their significant other is there with them – there it is, that whole taking up space thing, again! Anxious attached partners also want their partner to take up space in their life, too! Not just in good times, but in the not-so-good times, and especially the lowest times.
For instance, when I’m in a *dark place* or headspace, I’m looking for my husband to also knowingly and willingly be in the dark with me. No, I am not implying that because I am sad my husband should also be sad by way of saying my husband cannot be happy unless I am happy.
No, in fact, more so I need him to be a soft place to land, a rock, or that *light* in the dark. Not necessarily to blind me by heroically supplying a flashlight, but because he is the lamp in the room, if that makes any sense. Aka, I may not always need him to find or provide a solution or to *rescue* me from that dark place – I just need him to be there, fully present, to know I am not alone in the dark.
And, no, this isn’t a lot to ask, either. Like I said, this does not mean I require him to be in the same headspace as me, nor am I trying to drag him down to the pit of darkness in order for him to feel the way I do.
Someone with anxious attachment is [generally] not looking for this emotional *space* or separation that says, “If/When you need me, I’ll be here…*otherwise*…,” because that often translates as automatic disengagement. Anxious attached partners almost always want their significant other to be deliberately and willfully attuned and engaged.
So they’re looking to hear, “Hey, [this is difficult, I know you’re going through something right now, I see you struggling]…and I’m here with you through it.” This says I’m aware, I’m engaged, and you won’t have to [find me in the dark, alone] wonder, worry or ask. And, no, this is not *coddling* – this is called Partnership.
Besides, we preach enough about giving and honoring the space avoidant partners require to the point where anxious attached partners are often demonized for not wanting space and seeking connection (closeness).
Yes, I’m also aware, that this is unrealistic to expect of my husband – to be at this able capacity 24/7/365 – just as it is unrealistic for anyone to be at any and every given time. Just throwing that one out there. There’s an understanding of both sides to this.
Although it’s important to note that partners with anxious attachment loathe having to *ask* for this level of engagement (closeness). Hence why expressing and communicating this need can often be a painful struggle. Some will even exude hyper-independence, as if to say, “Don’t worry about it – I don’t need your *help*, especially if it’s not willing,”, when at their core that’s not true in the slightest.
For many anxious attached partners, they’ve learned they’re needs are too great and/or that they cannot rely on anyone else, which has likely been reinforced by repeated incidents of rejection, neglect or abandonment. Consequently, expressing and communicating this need for closeness can come across negatively (condescending, passive-aggressive, critical, or aggressive), overwhelming or undesirable to an avoidant partner.
The focus of engagement with an anxious attached partner is closeness and security, and I’m not *just* talking about physical presence (being in the same room or vicinity). So one of the easiest and most effective things you can do [start doing] for an anxious attached partner is to show more eye contact while they are speaking (as they’re sharing with you their anxieties, concerns, needs, etc.) AND to be more conscious of their physical presence. We’re all guilty of *ignoring* or going about life without even being aware of or acknowledging that our partner is in the same room.
It’s also important to refrain from repetitive, non-verbal cues like eye-rolling, tense or tight facial expressions [lips, brows, clenched jaw], shrugging, heavy sighs, scoffing, making repetitive sounds like “mhm, hm, huh, uh-huh” (to show or *pretend* you’re listening), nodding, blank stares or wandering eyes, and other things alike during verbal exchanges or particularly when your partner is trying to talk to you about something important.
Also it needs to be said, that a distracted partner is a disengaged partner.
These can often translate as…[1] trying to speed up what your partner is saying, [2] determining what you’re hearing as minor or less important (than it is to your partner), [3] condescendingly showing you are paying attention yet at the same time clearly prioritizing other distractions and [4] calculating a premature response or purposely taking what is said out of context (hearing only what you want to hear) rather than actually taking the time to process what your partner is saying.
Generally speaking, these things may not have malicious intent, but the anxious attachment style is likely to perceive these cues as detachment, causing them to spiral further. These cues say, “I’m disengaged, I want no part and it’s not that important to me – let’s get this over with so I can move on.” Among other things you probably aren’t meaning to convey – or maybe you are, and you wonder why the fire grows no matter how much water you throw on it. Don’t shoot the messenger, here!
A partner who is anxiously attached thrives on assurance because this reinforces TRUST. Let me be clear, being anxiously attached is not always about a lack of trust, though can be as a result of environment, a traumatic experience or from being passed down [generational, upbringing].
The anxious attached partner simply wants to know their partner is willfully attuned to listen and attentive to engage as well as to respond accordingly and appropriately. To an anxious attached partner this not only says, “I want to reassure you,” but more importantly, “Providing you safety, security and closeness is a *priority* to me.” Seriously, though, this is not rocket science.
Otherwise, someone who avoids listening and engaging altogether will result in none other than dead end or deflective responses. A disengaged partner is a disconnected partner, one way or another.
–To listen more intently
“What I heard was/What I’m hearing is…” NOT “Why are you so mad right now?“
“Correct me if I’m wrong. I want to make sure I heard you right,”,
“I care about you, and I want to do my best to hear you without getting defensive. Can we help each other?” NOT “I’m not going to listen when I’m being [attacked, blamed],“,
“Is this a good time to talk about..[what happened, what you’re feeling, etc.]?“
“What I’m understanding is…(repeat the part your partner said that you understood),” OR “I don’t quite understand [this part, what you’re feeling, what you said], can you…[repeat that, explain more, give me another example, rephrase what you said]?“
“I don’t want to jump to conclusions. Can you clarify what you meant when you said ‘..’?“
[The letters in Listen also spell Silent and since listening is about respect this is also important to convey; avoid interrupting and learn how to combat an anxious partner who is prone to interrupting – *an anxious partner needs someone who is grounded, not flighty, and can “put them in their place” lovingly when necessary, but not hardheartedly]
“I want to make sure you were finished. Can I/Is it my turn to speak now?” OR “If I’m being quiet it’s because I’m listening and trying to fully process what you’re saying, so please let me know when you’re finished,“,
“I want to touch on/go back to…[when you said ‘..’, this part],” OR “When you said, ‘…’, what did you mean exactly? Can you explain that again?“,
“Maybe you misunderstood when I said, ‘…’,” NOT “That’s not what I said – you twisted my words,”,
“I won’t be able to/I can’t..[help you, contribute to this conversation] if you continue to speak over when I’m speaking,”,
“I listened to you, now please let me have my turn to talk. Can we give each other the same respect?“
[Show curiosity and interest in what your partner is experiencing, feeling, conveying or sharing – there’s a difference between reading the room, assuming what your partner’s feeling, and being totally oblivious and aloof altogether]
“Can you share what you’re feeling with me?” NOT “You seem upset so I didn’t want to start anything,” NOT “How am I supposed to know [this] makes you mad?” (When your partner is clearly showing you their dislike for what [this] is),
“And how did that make you feel?“,
“Your thoughts matter to me, and I would like us to share them with each other,“,
(As opposed to asking, ‘Are you okay?’ or ‘Is everything okay?’) “I know you’re not okay/fine, and I’m here to listen,” NOT “Ok, *fine* then, even though I know you’re not I’m going to take you literally,“,
(You notice your partner is more anxious) “When you’re [fidgety, short answered, breathing heavily, staring off into space], it usually means you’re not in the right headspace. [Do you want to talk about it with me?, Let’s unpack what’s going through your mind together],”,
“I can tell/sense something is [bothering, upsetting, frustrating] you,” NOT “What’s bothering you now?” OR “You’re short with me, so what did I do?” (This is often said in a short, bitter tone)
[Instead of listening for the things you want to hear, focus on what is actually being said without making it personal]
“This sounds like..[you’re upset about…],” NOT “This sounds like..[I’m being blamed once again],”,
“You expressed that you’re [upset, angry, hurt], and I want to understand where you’re coming from,” NOT, “Why are you so [upset, mad]?” (This implies ‘Your feelings are wrong,’, ‘I don’t like the way you feel,’ or, ‘I wouldn’t be/I’m not, so you shouldn’t’),
“Tell me more [about that],” NOT “I don’t know why you’re upset,”,
“My perspective might be a little different, but yours is important and I’d like to hear it,” NOT “Well I don’t feel/see it [that way, the same as you],” (You’re implying there’s only room for one perspective and yours is the only [right] one),
“Are you looking for [reassurance, support, a listening ear, advice] right now?” NOT “I don’t know what you want from me – when I try to help you claim I’m missing the point and when I say nothing you tell me I don’t care enough!” (Many times we side with what *we* ourselves would want in that moment, then assume that’s the default, safe, *loving* route to take with our partner – when we need to focus on what it is in that moment they’re looking for from you, which may be something different each time)
–To engage more intently
“I’m afraid I’ll [say, do] the wrong thing but I want to [address the elephant in the room, comfort you, make things right, resolve this issue, work through this discomfort with you, etc.],“,
“I’m here with you…” (not for, but with),
“Come closer/I want to be near you,” (rather than stand apart, across the room or with an object creating distance between you),
“Let’s sit down together,” (rather than standing with bodies’ tight, arms crossed and closed off or pacing the room),
“Can we take this to the living room [..where it’s more quiet, where there’s less distractions, so we can be more comfortable]?“
As someone with disorganized attachment and fearful avoidant tendencies, I painfully struggle with giving and receiving [physical] closeness or engagement. This is something I wasn’t familiar with during conflict growing up – I watched my parents argue; they would yell across the house, follow one another to different rooms and maintain some sort of distance or object as a barrier between them.
So my initial instinct is to back away from my partner, to disengage or prepare a physical space between us (especially during conflict or confrontation that is uncomfortable and not mutual). The work and intention to break from this is excruciating at times, but my more anxious tendencies does thank me for it – all in all, during conflict, I do feel much *closer* to my husband when we minimize that gap between us.
Thankfully, engagement doesn’t always *have to* mean physical closeness, but can often be vocal action. When you vocalize engagement, it helps by letting your partner know in that moment you are a willing, involved participant and are openly available and concerned – that staying connected is the focus and mutual prioritization is key.
It’s basically like this: you make conscious decisions not to place your partner’s feelings or concerns on the back-burner, or Your Partner > whatever else it is you’re doing or supposed to do. While, yes, I understand these points don’t and won’t always make sense, but when the effort is made is where it counts.
[Show that your partner’s well-being is above menial tasks or certain commitments, such as leaving the party/gathering early, pulling off the road, putting off certain To-Do’s, rearranging part of your schedule, or decline going to an outing]
“Talking this through with you is more important than being at a party,”,
“This sounds important to you – I will go to the gym later,” NOT “Don’t bring this up now – I’m going to the gym,“,
“We ought to reschedule dinner with my parents for another time,” NOT “We’re going to dinner with my parents, so let’s hold off on this conversation and act like there’s nothing wrong,” NOT “Can we not do this right now? Let’s have a nice, positive dinner with my parents,“,
“I can tell you are bothered – what can I do to help right now,” OR “You’ve expressed you’re upset with me – what can I do to make things right?“,
“I’m glad you’re coming to me about [this, how you’re feeling, what’s on your mind, etc.],”,
“Let’s figure this out together,” NOT “I don’t know how to [help you, fix this],” NOT “You’re on you’re own,“,
(Pause the music, movie or video game) “I can listen later/I can watch this later/I can play this another time,“,
(Stop whatever you’re in the middle of doing) “I can [do this] later,” OR “I’ll finish this later,“,
(Put your phone down, don’t answer the phone/text) “This can wait,” OR “I can call them back later,“,
[Yes, boundaries are healthy and necessary. If it doesn’t make sense to break away from something you’re doing, like while taking a shower, respond with engagement appropriately]
“Hey, I can see this is important, but let me finish this up real quick and then I’ll be all ears…”
“[I have to leave for work, I can’t take off work today], but I want you to know [this] is important to me and we will finish having this conversation as soon as I get home,” NOT “I can’t do [this] right now – [I’m going to be late for work, I have to go to work].”
–To respond more intently
In my disorganized attachment, sometimes it is helpful to hear that overused and quick response, “I didn’t mean that” or “that wasn’t my intention [to upset, hurt you]“, but on the other hand my fearful tendency likes to take the wheel, often making those phrases sing a different tune.
Honestly, when I, personally, use that response with my husband, what I’m really aiming to do is smooth over – better yet, skirt by – conflict unscathed. Like slapping a band aid on a booboo, pretending it [what I said, what I did] wasn’t that serious or like it didn’t happen the way he perceived it. While, of course, “I didn’t mean that” is genuinely true and, of course, deep down my husband knows that, am I subconsciously hoping that response will suffice every time?
When we use that, or certain phrases alike, we’re wishfully anticipating the, “Oh, it’s settled then – I’m no longer upset and the hatchet is buried [*wipes hands clean*],” reaction and response when we know it’s not always that simple. At least not every time, nor can we expect it to be.
So are we to always, automatically abuse our partner’s *grace*, or reside in our human imperfection as an excuse from accountability? Instead, that’s like using the “I didn’t mean to/I didn’t mean it that way” as saying, “I’m human, I’ll make mistakes, I’ll inevitably hurt you outside my intent, but as long as I’m willing to admit that I should get a Get Out of Jail Free card, right?”
Isn’t that what we do to somewhat preserve our dignity and innocence? At the same time we often treat this as a watered down apology and quick fix, just for it to eventually not have the same expected or anticipated result. Thennnnnn we’re quick to label our partner as being unforgiving, combative and sensitive.
What is my point exactly here? Well, that the anxious attached partner can typically pick up on all this – which can contribute to their symptoms of relational anxiety, distrust and insecurity (safety within the relationship). With that said, we have to be willing to take more of the heat. As much as we don’t like it or try to avoid it. So what could we say, instead, that acknowledges our partner’s experience through their lens?
[Focus more on your partner’s experience and less on making them understand your intent]
“I should have chosen my words more wisely…[this, that] would have been the better choice…that was a poor choice [of words, of actions] on my end and I’m sorry…I will be more mindful of [what I say, what I do] in the future,”,
“I know [my words, my actions] can be hurtful, and I’m sorry (period),” OR “What I [said, did] was hurtful, and for that I’m sorry (period),”, (even if you believe, from your lens, otherwise)
“I don’t want to see you [upset, angry, worried, etc.], so I will stop [doing that, saying that].”
I can guarantee everyone has been in that very position and wished they had heard any of the above responses, instead of “I didn’t mean it that way” or “That wasn’t my intention”. It’s all literally a back-door way of saying, “You took it this way, and that’s on you.” Sure, while we can’t predetermine and are not always responsible for how others react and respond…we also have to discern when our words and actions may, in fact, wrongfully or negatively contribute.
My point being: the anxiously attached partner really isn’t looking for *that* [quick fix, fix all] response, or any response that deflects or even demonizes one’s feelings in order to elevate the other’s. It may come from a loving place, but it takes away from what the anxious attached partner is truly looking for: vulnerability. There’s safety, security and closeness in being vulnerable.
[Reiterate what your partner said – avoid *twisting* your partner’s words based on what your emotional response is hearing]
“What you told me is…[you’re frustrated that I didn’t check in with you when I was out with my friends later than I said I would be],” NOT, “So you’re mad that I wanted to stay out with my friends longer and you don’t like me hanging out with them at all,”,
“What I’m hearing is…[it upset you when I said you acted like your mother],” NOT “You’re offended that you act like your mother,” (Basically, it’s like this: if you’re willing to go any length to defend your words and actions at the expense of your partner’s feelings of trust, security and safety [with you], then having supposed “good intentions” would be entirely FALSE)
[Validate your partner’s experience – you can do this without validating their insecurity; remember, validation (validity: authentication, state of being acceptable), to me, would be allowing your partner the space or free will to experience, interpret, perceive or feel in their own way apart from yours (acceptance) – it does not necessarily mean to approve, agree or support]
“I can see how [upset, angry, frustrated, hurt] you are,” NOT, “I know it’s frustrating when I hang out with my friends…[longer than what was planned, more than you’d like me to, and don’t always include you].“
“I don’t like seeing you upset…“, NOT, “I don’t like when you’re upset when you have no reason to be,” OR “You’re this upset when it’s really not as big a deal [as it was, as you’re making it to be],“,
“Thank you for sharing [that, your feelings] with me on this,“,
[Show curiosity to learn more rather than trying to absolve their feelings, regardless of whether you resonate, understand or agree with your partner’s experience]
“I want to understand where you’re coming from. Can you explain [your experience, what it is you’re feeling, what may have contributed, what needs to change, what would help]?“
Reassurance of loyalty
This one’s pretty self-explanatory, right? For some. For others this may come as a little bit of a surprise because they believe simply being [staying] in that relationship is enough reassurance. While there is validity to that, IMO, simply staying married to my husband is the bare minimum of so-called reassurance. And, let’s be real, in many of the most unhealthiest and unhappiest relationships, couples *stay together* out of convenience, familiarity and security (not for the right reasons).
So if I’m being honest, you know what reassurance (or loyalty) is really about? That deep, deep longing, desire, and drive [motivation] – for the relationship and for one another’s best interest above all. I get it – sometimes it really IS in each other’s best interest to part ways and move on, but I’m not going that route.
My husband’s loyalty *shines* when he is embodying oneness with me. YES, I am talking about “two become one flesh” here. Get ready to hold onto your pants.
Let’s ponder on this. The anxious attached partner may often worry that they care more about the relationship and their partner than their partner. Sometimes this is rational while other times it isn’t. Even I experience random, unnecessary ruts of feeling a similar way. Typically I worry that my husband will leave me for other reasons, though, but still the concept is the same; I still struggle at times feeling reassured of my husband’s loyalty, even if it’s not logical or doesn’t make sense.
This is why I believe, personally (again, IMHO) that anxious attached partner’s struggle in the heavily modern and perpetuated 50/50 relationships. They will often feel the most guarded, threatened, insecure and uncertain in relationships where the line in the sand is drawn at a halfway mark.
The truth is, the 50/50 scale is simply about two individual people coming together to make a life *together*, and each partner being *equally* invested. That’s a broad, panoramic, big picture view, but what about the finer details and intricacy up close? Relationships under a magnifying glass won’t be a linear 50/50 measure, and that’s what most folks refuse to take into account when they only want to see the big picture within view frame.
There will be times, and evidently so, where one partner puts in more [time, effort, care, etc.] than the other. Let’s not freak out, though, because relationships do naturally ebb and flow this way! Unfortunately, to the anxious attached partner, this teeter-tottering ebb and flow can feel like 3-5 foot waves out at sea as they’re struggling to stay afloat (at ease). You know, because some people are more sensitive than others – some get sea sick on a boat on a flat calm day, or just being in the car!
The anxious attached partner, in this case, requires that [extra] Dramamine, or life raft…if you catch my drift.
We know that actions speak louder than words, but we should shift that understanding into, “Words are backed by actions reinforced by words,” so that we aren’t undermining the value of connection through communication, and loyalty through reassurance. Hence why reassurance of loyalty in the midst of or following conflict can be insanely beneficial and comforting for couples, especially for the anxious attached partner.
Because, let’s be real, the anxious attachment style likely consists of individuals who are hyper-vigilant of other’s emotions or mood, and typically worry that others are mad or upset with them.
But when my husband tells me (jokingly, but also not jokingly – this is how we are together), “You’re stuck with me [points out my ring finger, then reaches for me in an embrace],” this is one, small prime example of his reassurance, especially if we’re having a tiffy. The fact is we all want that level of reassurance [loyalty] and we all need it – doesn’t matter what attachment style you are. Asking to be their girlfriend or boyfriend, or saying I Do ONCE is not enough to establish loyalty. Or, better yet, carving your initials in a heart in a tree does not, in fact, mean you will Love each other and be together 4Ever.
So, yes, I am saying my example above is a perfect way – cheeky, flirty, lovingly, cute and appropriate – to express loyalty and reassurance to your partner. And here are several other ways to get that point across:
“You’re mine, and I am yours, and don’t you forget it!“,
“(Sweeten it with [If I can only have one thing..]), I want you, that’s it,”,
“You’re more important to me than..[what we’re arguing over],“,
“If you think [this, your bad mood, your feelings, etc.] is going to drive me away, then sorry to disappoint you because.. [I’m not going anywhere, you’re not getting rid of me]!“,
NOT “I [picked, chose] you, didn’t I?“ OR “I married you, didn’t I?” OR “If I didn’t want to be with you I wouldn’t have married you,” OR “I could easily be with anyone else but, no, I’m with you.“
Honestly, you’re a FOOL if you think any of those responses in the NOT section are loving and appropriate, but you and I know there are those out there who have said and say that on the reg to their partner, and justify that as reassurance of “loyalty”.
I know I’ve said a slew of times how easy it is for people to throw around words carelessly without meaning, such as I Love You, but I do believe the opposite is true, too! People are in relationships with those they don’t Love, aren’t saying it aloud or in the right way (like the above), while people are also in relationships with those who aren’t telling them they Love them (even *if* they’re partner is showing it in ways to justify not expressing it verbally).
For instance, YES, my husband is the *provider* in our little family…but he has no leg to stand on if he claims that’s “enough”, or his only “proof” of his Love.
Is telling your partner “I Love you,” reassurance of loyalty? In part, absolutely, especially if you aren’t saying or hearing it enough. Some people honestly don’t *require* very much to feel Loved – seriously, you ask some people and they’ll say a kiss goodnight every night is all they need. But that just isn’t the partner with the anxious attachment style, and even those along the lines of a secure, healthy attachment likely don’t fit that criteria, either.
The anxious attached partner has a deep longing and need to feel safe and secure. Again, reinforcement of trust does not mean there is none. Relationship trust is not something established once and then just running passively in the background. Trust is established, maintained and reinforced proactively, the same with loyalty. You reinforce something not necessarily because it’s broken or isn’t working but to keep it going and make it stronger.
So when an anxious attached partner is having to consistently ask for reassurance, this keeps them in a space of uncertainty for fear their partner is only telling them to satisfy what they want to hear. The problem is most people think this means telling their partner things like,
“You’re the only one for me,”
“I only want to be with you,“
“You’re my person,“
“I want to spend the rest of my life with you,“
“I want to grow old with you and make a life together,“
…which are all nice, don’t get me wrong! They definitely have their time and place, so let’s not go crossing them off the list here. But these are not typically the things you’d say to your partner on a regular or even daily basis, randomly, for no reason or out of no where. Frankly, these things would become pretty drab in time, both saying and hearing it.
You know what loyalty actually looks like, leaving most people with a sour, bitter taste in the mouth? Sacrifice. A word that is so cringe these days; hearing it alone can really bring out the ugly in people, too. It’s unfortunate because not only are those individuals and the true meaning of sacrifice misunderstood, they’re also being misguided left and right.
If terms of relationships, we often think of sacrifice as giving your life for the one you Love, literally. Why should this be untrue? Would you not? I think we know this to be true, but in recent years (decades) there’s also this very loud voice in the other ear screaming a self-Love that, to me, is TEEMING with behaviors of self-Worship. And just being my crazy self thinking out loud: this may be unexpectedly rewiring our view and need for Love and connection in others, and not necessarily for the better.
Anyway, back to Loyalty. At it’s core, this means upholding integrity and utmost respect for your partner, right? Does that mean loyalty – to your partner – also supersedes certain things? What about over some of your freedoms, let’s say? Oof, sticky, icky territory for the itchy ears, I know. But we GOTTA be willing to unpack this more rather than just label it as NOPE or Off Limits.
In simpler terms, Love and respect your partner as you do yourself. We need to be willing to expand a bit more on what reassurance of loyalty looks and sounds like, particularly for the anxious attachment style, but also for relationships in general. Because what your partner defines as loyalty may differ from you. So if one partner believes loyalty means not speaking to other women (like, ever, no exceptions or circumstances), while the other believes it’s in their right to engage (on a romantic, platonically emotional, sexual or flirtatious level without any regard for self-control) with other women…there’s a clear disconnect and misunderstanding to the meaning of loyalty here.
Obviously this is something you should talk openly with your partner but for starters, reassurance of loyalty can mean…
- …not sharing personal or sensitive information outside the relationship; i.e., avoid sharing the argument you had with your partner to your coworker.
- …having your partner’s best interest and consideration for their feelings (over your own); i.e., not going to the strip club with friends [out of respect] because it isn’t morally right or simply because, to your partner, openly and willfully engaging in lustful behavior is considered adultery.
- …prioritizing your partner above others (friends, family, work); i.e., having your partner’s back when family talks down about them.
- …having and working towards a life [goals] that includes, considers and prioritizes your partner; i.e., your paycheck is not “my money” but it’s “our money”.
For the anxious attached partner, since that’s what this post is geared toward, it’s important to focus on little extra steps where it counts AND when it’s effective. The point here is to take what resonates for you and build off that, which may take some self-reflective practice for the disorganized, fearful or avoidant attachment styles.
(For the partner who spells loyalty in INTEGRITY),
“[That/This] is not worth jeopardizing [our relationship, my connection with you],“,
“You’re more important [than this/that],“,
“I don’t want to disappoint you,” (This typically follows with actionable change or repentance (“change, refocus, or redirection of thinking”)),
(For the partner who spells loyalty in ONENESS),
“We’re a team/We’re in this together,“,
“Your burdens are my burdens,“,
“When you’re hurt also hurts me,” (DO NOT confuse this with enmeshment/codependency – this point implies that a partner cannot do harm to their partner without ultimately hurting themselves)
“I want to work through this with you,“,
“Our..[future, money, house, life, children, car, bills, burdens, dreams, goals, etc.],” (When referring to these things rather than saying, “My” “Mine” or “Your”),
(For the partner who spells loyalty in RESPECT),
“I respect your [time, effort, feelings],” (This typically follows with actionable change or repentance (“change, refocus, or redirection of thinking”)),
“[“I admit I was wrong for..”]..taking advantage of your time (i.e., preparing dinner) by assuming you could accommodate my friends instead of asking you first,” (The focus here is 1. vulnerability, 2. being able to admit to our mistakes and shortcomings, 3. accepting accountability and 4. taking actionable strides)
(For the partner who spells loyalty in EMOTIONAL CONNECTION),
“I..[believe, trust, support, hear, resonate with, understand, etc.] you,“,
“What you think is important to me/You feelings matter to me/I value your opinion,“,
“This is uncomfortable for both of us, but it’s important that we work through this together,“,
“[“I may not always understand/be readily able to fulfill].. your [feelings, needs] but I want you to know they are not too much and I want you to feel safe sharing them with me.“
(For the partner who spells loyalty in TIME),
“I value our time together and my goal is to make more of it,“,
“It’s not fair to you that more of my time is spent [at work, on the phone, texting, scrolling social media, playing video games, hanging with friends, playing golf, etc.],” (The point here is acknowledging WHERE your time currently resides and where it SHOULD be going, then requires actionable change)
“I want Saturdays to be ‘our day’ for us, so I won’t make or commit to any plans without coming to you first,”,
“Can we sit down and [talk about our day, veg out/cuddle, discuss plans for the weekend, go over what we might be needing from one another]?” (You make this a daily or regular routine as part of your intimate together time during the chaos of life).
