I notice this quite a bit – men who genuinely believe their relationship is *improving* when actually it’s the opposite. She’s moved on, like done-zo – checked out of the relationship. I don’t totally understand men’s logic on this one (granted, women share this, too, just *different*) but I imagine it’s simply because the arguing, bickering and fighting has either dwindled or come to a screeching halt…and not by the authentic efforts for improvement.
Dear men, here are the main points to expect in this post
Just FYI, this post does not implicate the support of women over men and vice versa.
Men, if this is your current situation, listen: your relationship is not likely getting better, as you might think. And I’ll prove it to you bluntly yet swiftly, once as the woman in this very position.
Dear men, the relationship isn’t improving – she’s moved on
Yes, there’s less confrontation and arguing
Again, I think men genuinely believe their relationship has made a turn for the better when conflict has ceased. In a nutshell, she’s waved her white flag. Meaning, she’s no longer pestering or nagging you about certain things, you’re no longer fighting (especially over the same thing over and over), and frankly, she’s also less combative with you in general. That last part, though.
GRANTED, in a healthy relationship there will be healthy, unavoidable confrontation – it’s all about resolution and repair, how conflict is handled. That doesn’t mean constant arguing, or no conflict at all, ever, is healthy, either. So it’s important to view conflict, in this case, from a different angle. If you’ve been in a place where confrontation has been a constant and she – rather suddenly – stops “hashing it out”, is no longer “pushing your buttons”, trying to “fix” or “create” problems you claim don’t exist, or “complaining” (among other things – you fill in the gaps)…sorry, but that’s not the Green Flag you think it is.
For as long as a partner is willing to address, acknowledge and work through conflict it’s a sure sign they care about their significant other and the relationship. If not, well, then I’d argue that last part is no longer true. And I don’t know about you, but…men, trust me, if she’s no longer bothering to tell you what she needs (whether you like hearing it or not), calling you out when she should, or *fighting for* the quality of the relationship…that isn’t a good sign.
She’s stopped caring
She talks less – she’s less likely to strike up or reciprocate in conversation, such as asking about your day. It’s also the verbal tid-bits that tend to go unnoticed as well – *poof*, gone. To some men, awesome-blossom, more peace and quiet without that mosquito in their ear – so this is something to be over the moon about. Yet, at the same time, slowly but surely your ego shrinks because she’s no longer puffing you up and telling you what you want to hear. And then you’ll cry, “WhErE’s ThE rEsPeCt?!“
In case you’re wondering, I didn’t say I’d sugarcoat the truth, here.
She’s also stopped doing things for you, including the things you don’t see or now anticipate without gratitude. The difference is, she may still care for you but she’s done carrying the excess weight and is letting you fend for yourself.
She won’t express her feelings or share her thoughts, opinions and advice – to you, this may feel like a weight lifted because you’ll no longer have to “watch what you say and do”. Be careful what you wish for because as easy on the ears as this one might seem, this is where the risk of her feelings, thoughts and consolation are being expressed and invited elsewhere (to someone who actually wants to listen).
She no longer factors you into her day to day or takes you and your time into consideration – she just isn’t inclined to, and you’ll take that as a win-win sign you don’t need to consult her about anything. This is a lot like those Chinese finger traps, if you know then you know.
She’s stopped asking for what she needs or reminding you of certain things – she does them herself, to which you will probably applaud her for lowering her expectations and accepting the bare minimum (from you). She also receives your behavior unphased – meaning, if you do something that would normally hurt or upset her… it no longer will.
Point blank, she’s now unaffected by your words, choices and lack thereof effort. She’s stopped caring about what you do or say altogether.
These are harsh, but she’s moved on from over-extending her concern for you, the relationship and her load. That’s the sad, seemingly “unfair” (in the ego’s eyes) truth. The thing is, you really might start to think the relationship is improving because overall she will seem less sensitive, over-bearing, *controlling*, and needy. [PSA: everyone has needs, so everyone is needy, and needy is not clingy.] That’s because emotional connection has been severed, and she has turned from attempts to repair it completely (when she has likely tried to no avail).
Therefore, it’s never safe to mistaken a woman’s sudden emotional silence for relationship prosperity.
She lets you do what you want
Literally, and tying in with the above in that she simply doesn’t care what it is you do. To many men, this can sound insanely appealing in just the right circumstances.
Again, the things that used to bother her no longer do, so she gives you over to your very desires, and she won’t attempt to stop you. It might even seem like she’s encouraging of it, when the reality is you continue digging yourself deeper in a hole she’s simply walking away from.
Yes, this does include certain negative, obsessive habits, recurring destructive patterns of behavior, and other personal struggles or addictions – like alcohol, drugs, infidelity, lying, and even things like abuse and mental health (where help is being refused and rebuked at the expense of her safety and livelihood). While those are pretty serious circumstances, and still quite common today, let’s simply focus on the broader terms.
I’m just saying, if you’re going to do something she’s already expressed she doesn’t like, or that is a threat to the relationship, and she responds with, “Ok, have fun,” – that’s her waving you on to do the very thing that matters most to you while making it obvious that the relationship isn’t.
This is not a matter of trust, entitled *freedoms* or free will – the focal point is that she is done holding you accountable in the relationship and is adhering to the consequences of repeated violated boundaries. If that isn’t blatant enough, what she’s basically doing is allowing your words and actions to direct the course of the relationship…and that’s to it’s demise.
This is not a trick – she’s knows everything she says falls on deaf ears, which means she will no longer speak up (tell you when your words and actions are hurtful) or hold you accountable (for repeat offenses that jeopardize the relationship) like she’s done before. Instead, she’s done you a favor by no longer coming between what you want when that is superior to what is right because she’s sick and tired of defaulting to last on your priorities list.
You want to come home drunk most nights, fine; she isn’t coming to your rescue (as your DD) and she won’t wait up or badger you about it. You want to follow and message random chicks on social media, fine; she’s not going to ask you who Blonde8 is on your call log or your DMs. You want to be terribly sneaky and lie through your teeth, fine; she’s already well aware yet continues to let you live in this delusion that she’s clueless. You want to cancel plans last minute for the third time in a row to hang with the guys instead, fine; she won’t mention a word about it because she’s a step ahead of you with backup plans.
Honestly, from the outside – to you – she will act like the most forgiving individual with unlimited grace. Hell, she will seem completely ignorant and oblivious to your selfish – er, *totally innocent* – desires. You’ll have this feeling of absolute *freedom*, but trust me when I say that someone who truly Loves you will *change* your desires for the better as well as correct/discipline you when you veer off course. This is a fact.
So I’ll say this *very* lightly – you don’t ever want a woman who just simply let’s you do what you want, nor is it a good thing when she does.
She’s taking matters into her own hands
This one isn’t totally linear, but I find that many women in extreme cases of unhealthy relationships who seek or undergo therapy are more likely to walk away from that relationship, especially if they’re partner refuses to. BUT, not always – therapy has helped many individuals and couples work through their issues and strengthen their relationship for the better.
Although, case being, if she’s the only partner in the relationship seeking therapy (or taking strides for personal and relational growth) while you A. believe she’s the problem, B. believe you’re not the problem, or C. believe there’s nothing wrong in the relationship AND/OR refuse to seek personal growth and self-improvement…you’ve already proven the point on this one.
If she’s taking matters into her own hands, she’s likely outgrown you. When she’s outgrown the relationship, she knows she deserves better because she’s taking actionable change. She’s moved on from fighting tooth and nail to take the blindfold off your eyes, or to get you unstuck – from your piss-poor behavior, refusal to grow and evolve, or at the very least from your resistance to humble yourself by getting off the concrete pedestal you live on.
She sees that you either don’t have the capacity to give the relationship what it needs or that removing the veil is just too difficult and uncomfortable for you (and worse, that you don’t actually care to). So she’s literally doing what she needs to do to cut ties with you, and that can mean waiting until she is in stable place to leave as well as gathering the mental and emotional strength to go through with it.
You really, truly might believe that the relationship is fine – more like *civil* or cordial – since this ties in with all the above points already. The part that really sticks out for you is a false sense of complacency – you genuinely believe this is just another phase that will eventually *fix itself* on its own and you’ll go right back to the way things “used to be”.
Mind you, complacency is a huge culprit for many unhealthy and unhappy couples. It can easily become a false guide and dictator when it is given control of relational operations. I say time and time again that complacency in a relationship is NORMAL, but that doesn’t mean the experience should remain THE LASTING NORM.
Relationships take effort, sometimes more work than we imagined (many times that work is just on ourselves), but oftentimes complacency can trick unhealthy and unhappy couples into staying in that relationship simply because it provides the bare minimum sense of safety and security.
And that might literally be how you feel about the relationship – safe and secure as things are while she’s battling entrapment, where you refuse to either grow or let go, and she’s looking for a way out by taking matters into her own hands.
She’s creating a life without you in it
I need to be careful with what I say about this one because while there’s nothing wrong with a self-sufficient woman who can take care of herself, with dreams, aspirations and goals, but men need to differentiate when she no longer needs or wants you. While you’re jumping for joy she’s giving you space and doing her own thang (and not being a *bother*), it’s accompanied with emotional detachment and disconnect you could be partially blind to.
To tell it loosely, having space and separate hobbies and interests are beneficial yet how much is too much?
Her life plans or path will no longer include you, and this can be due to or as a result of a multitude of reasons. For instance, maybe you’re flighty and refuse to commit (long-term; i.e., marriage), or she’s been riding on the back of your dreams and goals while hers continue to sit on the back burner.
Furthermore, she won’t rely on you for anything (no, not just money-related, think partnership), and truthfully, your best interest is no longer her best interest. She starts living her life as if you’re not in it (or a part of it) – yikes, but all the more consequential if your mindset hasn’t been in the best interest of the relationship. In fact, she has already likely endured the very same of you – living your life apart from her and making decisions for yourself without prioritizing and factoring in the relationship.
Out of Love, she isn’t looking for a way to *fit* into your life nor is she wanting to force you to stay in hers. And if it’s a life without her you want, and are showing her, she’s going to give you just that because she knows the only control she has is how she lives hers. And at this point it’s easier to do so without you.
