Since break is half of the word “breakup“, the term is essentially a breaking point. Though most consider a break to be the last ditch effort, like a relationship-reset. Either way, we’ve distorted what a break (in relationships) means in its entirety. I call it a finality, while many are treating it like a hall pass.
Taking a break may be referred to as the “cool down” period from a nasty argument or recurring problem within the relationship. Though I don’t personally believe in taking “breaks” (while still technically saying you’re “together”), I do make my best attempt to understand the reasoning behind it, and I find that it boils down to personal growth. Individuals can’t seem to grasp the ability of serving both at the same time, while remaining “in a relationship”.
The truth is: breaks aren’t always treated with the best intentions.
They can also be an indicator of indecisiveness, a way to manipulate the relationship or to see if there are bigger, better fish in other ponds without completely letting go of the one you got, if you know what I mean. [Clears throat] That means he’s deciding whether you and the relationship are worth the fuss… while keeping you on a short leash.
I believe the main reason most couples take breaks in the first place is to create a temporary boundary of separation in the relationship. One that will hopefully bring each other peace and understanding, the willingness to change, as well as clarity. The downfall? Sometimes these breaks can go on for days, weeks or months, which I find odd, telling, and simply unnecessary.
You either want to be all in with someone, or you don’t. If it’s not that simple, then that means there are obvious reasons you shouldn’t be together in the first place. Because the bottom line is there will be times of struggle in every relationship, but these struggles should never complicate your decision to stay or leave.
Think about it, if you’re on a break with someone, it’s likely due to unhappiness, discontentment, and disappointment. And if you’re not happy in the relationship it’s because something isn’t working and there is a need for change. When something isn’t working, you have two choices – to walk away, or to embrace change and focus on improving the issue…together.
The way I see it, taking a break is nothing short of pressing the PAUSE button on the remote while aiming to keep certain expectations intact – aka relationship fallback. Sure, it may be justified as being the time to soul search, or to work on self improvement. In my case – as a married woman – there’s no PAUSE button when you vow to conjoin your life with another. If my husband and I implemented this strategy into our marriage, we would inevitably grow apart instead of growing together. A huge, HUGE reason many married couples experience periods of falling out.
The same still applies to single, unmarried couples.
That isn’t how Love works. Love is a walk in commitment, but it is also freeing. That doesn’t look like tying a string to a birds wing and saying “fly free little buddy!”. You either make the choice to work through issues in full, together, or you free the relationship and those partaking into it. Therefore, thinking you’ll fix your issues by calling it a “break” in your relationship won’t actually solve your problems – in they will only create and attract new ones.
It’s simple: Relationship “breaks” are just a hall pass
A break’s intent is self-focused
Right? So that usually means no contact – it’s a literal separation. But that becomes an issue in itself if those think an imaginary halt on the relationship will subsequently stop or eliminate an issue. Little do people know, even if it’s written in stone, they’re not actually focusing on parts of the self that is intended to promote growth or heal the relationship. Nope, in fact, individuals are usually too busy focused on what the other person is or isn’t doing in that time.
Are we really establishing healthy habits this way, or is it simply an excuse to avoid inevitable truths?
I’m all for taking cool down periods, like during a heated argument or disagreement. But I’m talking cool down periods where, you know, you spend 20 minutes in the other room to regulate your emotions. Whereas, to me, a break places a threat on the exclusivity and already fragile entity of the relationship, and really doesn’t provoke or provide a genuine opportunity for growth as a couple. There’s no need for a cool down to last days, weeks or months in order to work through issues. And, besides, a percentage of relationship problems are simply unresolvable – so, what then?
When you normalize taking “breaks” in your relationship, you will resort to silence, avoidance, apathy and withdrawal (physically and emotionally) when it comes to dealing with problems that arise in the relationship. Instead of viewing your problems with the similar need to split up a dog fight, treat your issues as a separate entity from the relationship and attack the problem as a T E A M – through actively listening and understanding, compromise and empathy.
It’s simply a way to test the relationship and its waters
As I said above, a break is essentially a breaking point – maybe even hitting rock bottom. If you were to think visually, your toes are curling over the edge of a cliff. Your heel still firmly on the ground is for security. Hence why many establish a break as still being exclusively together.
Unfortunately, not everyone sees a break as solely a physical separation.
A break shares very similar qualities to a break up. On that note, going on a break can create this power struggle and imbalance of trust in the relationship. Sure, you may eventually reunite a month later, but is it always the fresh start approach? For some it can also create new apprehension. After all, for those who condone going on a break, it usually says a lot about their genuine ability to maintain a healthy relationship.
For the person who condones or insists “going on break”, this is merely a matter of regaining or being in control. And if by “testing the waters” you mean testing your partner or seeking attention elsewhere outside the relationship (to see if the grass is greener), then it’s no longer a break – that’s manipulation. Granted, a break can be used as a way to buy time to figure out if the relationship itself is worth salvaging or continuing. But unless boundaries are mutually set, such as not seeing other people, many often treat the concept as an opportunity to reexperience singleism.
Is this not an uncommitted taste of freedom that can have also pose as a threat to the quality of the relationship? The real question is why it is believed that a break will consolidate the troubled relationship you’re in?
A break isn’t always how we intend it to be
I think most people have good intentions behind taking a break in the relationship.
It’s taking a step back, internalizing the situation or repetitive problem, processing our thoughts and emotions without being irrational, and focusing on personal growth in order for healthy change in the relationship. All the while expecting and hoping for your SO to do the very same.
That’s the definition of a break in a perfect, alternate universe.
So while taking a break may seem like we are placing the relationship in a much needed time out – it’s not always what we intend it to be on the other side of the fence. The worst part is we have absolutely zero control over that.
If you’ve ever heard the phrase, “Out of sight, out of mind,” then that should help you understand. Like when you kicked him out of your place to stay with a friend in hopes he would learn his lesson, change for the greater good, and come crawling back to you apologetically.
Is it always true to think that he will be sulking miserably on the couch for days, reminiscing how much he Loves you, thinking about the relationship, your future together at stake, and what needs to be improved? Or is he spending this time hanging with the guys, going out every night and enjoying this sliver of freedom without needing your approval or having to consider your feelings and best interest? Think vacay-mode.
So, really, is it even a time out or is it actually #tbt Spring Break 2015? Just something to consider.
It’s a way to avoid the insecurity of a break up
TBH, I was never the type to do breaks.
I also wasn’t the kind of girl who broke up with a guy, got back together, then broke it off again only to get back a second time around, and so on.
If I ever felt I needed a break, it was because I was exhausted of the relationship and the vicious cycle of problems in it. And if I was tired of the relationship, it was because I wasn’t happy. OR, I genuinely lost interest altogether. Therefore I also didn’t feel the need to stay with someone just to be in a relationship.
It never took me needing a break to decide whether I truly wanted to be with someone, nor did I ever consider it as a way to avoid the heartache of a breakup. A break mimics the very same thing, just prettier, softer and looser.
If it was space I needed to clear my head, I asked for space (whether it was an hour or a day) – not a break. There’s a difference.
In my last long-term relationship, we had multiple falling outs (as I would best describe them). We had many, many periods throughout the relationship that were devastatingly toxic and damaging to ourselves, as well as our effort and willingness to strive for improvement. We would ignore one another for days just to get over the numbing peak of conflict, and frankly, to get back at one another before we hopped right back on the same Merry-Go-Round once we each got over our temper tantrums.
Though I had already come to the same conclusion without it [a break], if he had announced wanting a break that would be my sign that he was checked out of the relationship.
[mailerlite_form form_id=23]Again, we have zero control of the relationship from the other side of the fence. You have absolutely no control of how he feels. For instance, you may see a break as a way of mending the relationship while this could be a grace period for him to focus on moving on.
So for the couples who frequently take breaks, at some point you have to acknowledge that it might be a constant security in false hope, or the fear of letting go and accepting the reality of the situation.
