You need to stop taking him back again and again

I will never understand why anyone would want to go back to the same old sh*t, different day. So I’m about to give you the cold, hard truth I never got (and wished I had).

*Guys, this can apply for you, too!

Sure, people can change – they may even change for the better. Does that necessarily mean the quality of the relationship a second, third, and fourth time around will also change for the better? I guess some find the risk to be worth the reward. To each their own.

But there really isn’t that option in marriage. It does happen, nonetheless, but nobody enters a marriage willfully knowing you can easily be like, “PEACE,”… just to re-marry your divorcee a second time around.

At least… they shouldn’t.

I just don’t see the point in conditioning that mindset by playing the breakup and get back together game in your relationships, either. So if you’re rocking in that boat, there are more than enough reasons you should stop taking him back.

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You need to stop taking him back again and again

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familiarity can still lead to failure

You know his quirks, what makes him laugh and his secret ticklish spot. You even know what sets him off, his gross habits and that weird move that turns him on in bed. You also know his faults, flaws and negative traits, like the ones that may have contributed to the end of the relationship.

Hell, you may even know him better than yourself.

It’s because he’s familiar. He’s the “safe” choice, that sense of “security”, and he’s pretty….well…predictable all around.

Maybe it’s the notion of having once failed at the relationship that gives you this lowly confidence (we mistaken for humbling), or clarity, for that second go around. Kind of like brushing all of the things that tore you apart under the rug, now that you’ve seen them for what they are under harsh light. That, essentially, it can’t get any worse, right? Now you know what needs to change, in hopes they do too, or that things will just be different this time around.

This is often confused with that clean slate mindset – that now you’ve gone through the experience of him [cheating, lying, quitting, etc.], the likelihood of that repeating a second time is next to nothing because, you know him now. Unfortunately, none of that takes away from the fact sometimes failure doesn’t need a reason to occur, and just because you’re in deep [with him] doesn’t mean it isn’t likely to reoccur. Besides… having history, that familiarity and security in someone is still no good reason to continually accept them back.

if he can do it once, he’ll do it again

People make mistakes. We even make terrible choices at the expense of those we love. Yup, everyone is fairly guilty here. That’s why it’s critical to understand the true meaning of forgiveness in our relationships, otherwise we will inevitably have a rough road of distrust and resentment in life, and love.

Because people are [likely] going to make [the same] mistakes… again, and again, and again.

YET, individually, we are responsible for what we will not tolerate. Though, obviously, mistakes ought to be redeemable, and forgiveness being an extension of grace (for others and ourselves). If we are to define a mistake, it would be unintentional, out of your control and having at least some regard to the consequence through conviction and remorse. A choice (not a mistake) is controllable, purposeful, often premeditated and without care or regard for consequence.

Often times those confuse poor decisions as being a mistake, and vice versa.

Although there’s one teeny, tiny difference. And if you read any of my other posts, you know by now that I do not constitute cheating as a mistake, no matter the circumstances.

If he is engaging in behavior that is premeditated (meaning, it is calculated in steps, well thought out or done with intent outside of your best interest) then this means he would have had plenty of opportunities to question his own morals and values for himself, you and the relationship. And if someone is willing to entertain the logistics of what it takes to cheat, they’ll do it again some other way.

Know the difference: when he’s given plenty of chances to control a situation (ie. his behavior), repeated mistakes become a choice.

there is no such thing as second chances in abuse

Let me say that again – abuse of any kind is intolerable. It is not acceptable, and it is not worthy of second chances.

Being married to law enforcement, domestic violence is surprisingly prevalent among the “calls” they receive. The common result of those calls usually ends with the victim going back to their alleged abuser. This is obvious because of the repetitive calls from the same people time and time again.

Though I can understand how difficult it can be to step away from an abusive relationship – no matter how complicated the situation, know that you are worth more than what you are receiving.

Unfortunately, abusive relationships do not fix themselves, nor can they be mended by your love, dedication, nurture, submission or overall existence. That until the abuser acknowledges his own behavior and dedicates himself to the help he needs (without you), abusive behavior is only inevitable.

While we are encouraged to see the good in others and the willingness for others to change for the better, that doesn’t mean we should subject ourselves to what was once toxic.

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reconciliation doesn’t necessarily come with change

I have known so many couples and individuals who do this. Some even cut ties with the mutual intent to get back together. Or to put it simply, those use a breakup or “time out” as a way of thinking, hoping and wishing their partner will change. The, “I want you to take some time to think about what you did,” the same way a parent would with their child.

Like, wait, WUT.

Source: GIPHY

That’s manipulation.

Change or improvement is not a guarantee with reconciliation. Taking him back 10 times over, or even a second time, does not mean they learned their lesson. Just because the result was a breaking point, where you broke up, isn’t any inclination that he is a changed person or a better man (even if he claims he is).

Old habits die hard, especially when you consider familiarity a factor.

Secondly, not all see the meaning of a break up the same. For instance, I view a break up as when one door closes another one opens – a different one. Some may be resistant to change and never actually learn anything from their relationships – they simply learn how to better get away with that behavior, avoid getting caught or seek someone willing to tolerate it.

Hence the same sh*t, different day concept.

So it’s important to keep that in mind. Taking him back a second, third or Nth time around doesn’t automatically mean the relationship will change (for the better).

“making him better” is not the same as deserving better

You can’t make him be more affectionate.

You can’t make him be honest with you rather than keep secrets.

You also can’t make him value, honor and respect you.

You cannot change him, you cannot make him do anything, nor can you “Love him” into being the person you need. *Now, you can influence, but that isn’t the same…so for the sake of this post we’re not going there.

We may have heard things said like, “You make me want to be a better person,” or “I’m a better man because of you,” but it’s important not to twist the real meaning behind those lines. No man is a better man because you made him to be. That’s something he purely and solely does at his own willing. So do not confuse your deserving of someone better in thinking you can make him be a better man for you. He has to want to change for himself.

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a worthy relationship is one without end – PERIOD

I dabble with this subject A LOT. The truth is, I took someone back ONCE in my life – my middle school boyfriend. Yeah, I know, middle school. But, hey, I learned early.

Long story short, he broke up with me suddenly in the middle of our school dance because he couldn’t “handle” the friendship between me and my best guy friend at the time.

I was distraught.

A couple months later, lo and behold, he came crawling back. Part of me thinks this was because my friends wouldn’t let him live it down, and this was his only path of redemption (to his reputation). I was, obviously young, ruthless, naïve and let’s be honest….infatuated, to say the least. So of course I took him back. At that time in my life the whole Love thing was merely about status, anyway.

Feelings over facts kind of mentality – at 13, duh.

Not long after we got back together…he broke up with me, again. I handled it better than the first time – strangely – somehow coming to terms with our fate. I was really beginning to see his true colors – that he was just a wanna-be-popular douchemonger. Moreover, I realized how little actually changed that second time around. In fact, it made realize I deserved better, anyway.

I wanted someone who actually wanted to make it work – not to escape at any and every opportunity. *When another new, pretty blonde would come to his church (yup, that’s the tea).

Needless to say I never repeated that mistake again. So when my future relationships split, that was it. Done-zo. Audios. Bye Felicia. Whatever you want to call it. I felt that for any relationship to get to that point, it meant one or the other had simply given up – threw in the towel, stopped caring, lost the love and was more than ready to be uncommitted or single again.

I saw it as that pivotal moment where he or I no longer mattered enough to want to make it work. Breaking up was that first door on the left – it’s the easy way out in order to break free. And I say use it if and when in times of detriment – I am not one to judge because I’ve been there and know it all too well. But now, as a married woman, that door no longer a default – it is what it is. When times get tough, conversations are difficult, or feelings of discomfort arise…there should be no utilizing that door simply because it’s there.

So for me, a valuable relationship is simply one without end – period. If you can’t work through your problems together without pressing that OUT button, then it was a relationship not worth holding onto to begin with.