This one’s for the ladies! Here is what men are saying about their online dating experience. I will preface by saying I gathered up this info from multiple Quora and Reddit threads, so you can fact check me here, here, here, and here.
And before you read on, please know all of this goes without saying that there are similar experiences and struggles on BOTH sides. Feel free to read what women are saying about online dating (advice for men). Not one is more guilty over the other, but the point I’m stressing here is the side men are experiencing as a way to create more relatability and to hopefully promote change.
In fact, I came across numerous things both men and women complained about. So that’s something to bear in mind if you’re someone knee deep in the online dating experience. Moreover, if you’re dating online, we should be asking, “What is my role here? Is there anything I’ve taken away from this post that I can stop or start doing?“
**I will continue to update this post ongoing.
Online dating advice for women – What men are saying
As a former online dater with online dating success (meaning, I met my now husband from dating online), the insight and opinions I dish are solely based on my personal experience. Everyone’s personal experience will be different, so this post is not meant to discourage but to help you be more aware and lead with caution while remaining hopeful. If you have any personal or specific questions, feel free to reach out to me!
Middle aged men [with or without kids, who want kids] are struggling. This is actually interesting since there’s definitely been an influx of individuals who don’t want kids in our recent generations. I’ve even noticed through the grapevine how women are struggling to find child-free men, men without multiple baby-mamas and simply those who also don’t want kids.
The fact is, middle-aged men with kids are struggling to find women, in their similar age-range, who don’t mind being a step-parent, while single men without kids but want a family are struggling to find a woman who also wants children.
So my take-away here is if you’re a woman who is either looking for men who are child-free or who don’t want children, I might suggest expanding your radius to include the more populated cities.
Basic communication is rather *sub-par* and passive. Which is strange coming from the men’s side, but it wasn’t like I came across a one-off experience. No, this one was probably the #1 issue men spoke of.
Here’s the thing: as a former online dater, I can relate to both sides. When it comes to basic communication dating online, the main goal is to get to know the other person to see if there’s mutual interest. To do that you not only have to ask questions but give thoughtful, reciprocal answers. As for women, we’re likely dealing with the battle of juggling multiple conversations and connections at once – compared to the men, statistically women are getting far more messages and matches in general.
Either way, ladies, we’re also guilty of the one-word and dead-end responses, and men have made that very clear.
Listen, the same logic also applies to both parties: one-word or short answer responses, especially without a follow-up question or reciprocal engagement SCREAMS that you’re either playing games (stringing them along), already have your mind made up (about that person and your intentions), are just in it for the attention (gratification), or avoiding rejection (by the slow-fade, let down approach).
They’re tired of spending days or weeks *chatting* before a meetup. While I can empathize with their frustration in wanting to meet someone they’re interested in face to face (rightfully so, the men worry they’ll lose out to someone else), when someone is ready to meet is ultimately up to the individual.
I, for one, wasn’t someone who was ready to just plan or accept a date 1-2-3 messages in – I had to get to know them on SOME level prior, mainly for safety reasons.
So, regardless of how strongly men seem to feel on this one, don’t let it discourage you if you’re someone who prioritizes your personal safety over appeasing someone’s lack of patience. But if the drive-thru pace tickles your vibration, then by all means go for it, because it sounds like men are all about it.
Men are downright confused when you seem totally interested (infatuated, even) in them over text, but then when you meet there’s suddenly “zero chemistry”. Ladies, listen up. Here’s the trap we often succumb to when dating online: we ride this sense of chemistry with someone online (or idea of them we conjure up in our heads), only to meet in person and be disappointed when that person we built, and the chemistry from that doesn’t match up.
No wonder men are confused. And, trust me, men do the same thing – so, men you’re not off the hook! But I do think women are more likely to find an emotional connection through conversation, which can translate to chemistry.
That being said, in a way, our brains can deceive and trick us (i.e., into thinking you’re at a level 10 on the “in Love” scale with someone when you’re really at a 1). We need to avoid seeing something for more than it is, and running with it.
Don’t rush the process the same way you’d never take a cake out of the oven after 5 minutes even though it smells ready to devour.
They can tell when women are in it for the dopamine hit. Don’t take this the wrong way, or do, but guys know when you’re in it for the attention. They’re onto you, and it’s only doing more harm for you.
No need for me to go into detail, but this one calls out those who use online dating similarly to social media for the clicks, likes, comments and follows. You know who you are.
Low-key “First dates” or meetups are preferred. And I whole-heartedly agree. The first time you meet in-person, regardless of how long you’ve been chatting away, ought to be low-investment. There really is no reason to be spending gobs of money on dinner, drinks and a movie for a meetup or first “date”.
Sure, I wouldn’t necessarily be down for a hike in the woods with a stranger I just met online…but you know what I mean. Keep it simple, and keep it public.
You’re excited about them, totally into getting to know each other and even plan a meetup, but then you flake – what’s up with that? Yeah, what is that about, ladies? I thought we were all up in arms against the whole ghosting thing in the name of personal growth and self-improvement! No, seriously, though – guys do this, too, so I will back you up here.
While I think enthusiasm over text can be misinterpreted (i.e., “kindness” as flirting – don’t worry, I unpack that one on the men’s side of this post), let’s say for sake of the argument you’re engaging in the way a person would who is clearly interested. Or, say, your behavior is being confused for Love-bombing (in fact, maybe it is). Then, once you set up a date to meet, you dip.
If I had to take a wild guess, I’d say there are a handful of possibilities here: there were other prospects on your list that changed your mind about them or stole your full attention, they said something (or lack thereof) that made you feel uncomfortable/unsafe, you discovered something last minute that totally uprooted your interest in them (hey, it can happen), orrrrr you just checked out last minute with or without reason.
If this is becoming as common as they’re saying, let’s make a better attempt at communicating this one way or another even if it comes off a little jerky in the end.
Finding *casual* relationships are far and few in-between. I don’t know how to feel about this one – in one breath I’m relieved but at the same time I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed. I’m a relationships-girl – always have been. If you know me by now, you know that I’m not Pro Casual Dating. But, that’s just me.
So…does this evidence point to more women raising the bar???
Either way, men are still seemingly seeking casual relationships (casual dating). But, hey, if casual is your thing…clearly nobody’s stopping you because there are plenty of men Pro Casual.
Even if you’re not or no longer interested after a meetup, they really do appreciate the “heads up”. Throughout my extensive scrolling and reading of the sources I listed (and more), I glanced over numerous accounts of guys who were left feeling disappointed and, frankly, taken advantage when they didn’t get any sort of response back following a first date or meetup.
We can preach til the cows come home that we don’t *owe* anyone anything, but when it comes time we’re anticipating similar respect and decency…what then?
That being said, if at any given point you’re having doubts, second thoughts, a change of heart, or came to your own conclusion to part ways following a date…let them know. FYI, you can let someone down gently without having to over-explain yourself or justify your reasoning.
Still, guys already expect their chances of getting ghosted is inevitably high. Which is sad, TBH, but at the same time men are also acknowledging the disproportion between men and women. So they do somewhat understand that women are more likely sorting through more messages and juggling multiple people they’re talking to at once (and that’s not including new messages regularly).
That said, men pretty much anticipate or expect to get ghosted. Moreover, it sounds like men have also been battling this old concept (yup, I said old, not new) for quite some time since many are basically at the point of accepting that fate. Again, go ahead and fact check me if you so desire.
Seriously, they don’t seem to mind you asking the serious questions. Go ahead and find out if they aspire marriage and want kids or not, just don’t make it weird. Guys seem totally unbothered by the questions – in fact, I noticed more men are asking the questions themselves.
Both parties seem very Pro “not wasting theirs and others’ time”, so to figure out the concrete answers to your personal aspirations in life, a partner and a relationship seems like a no-brainer these days.
We can read *attitude* in your profile, and whether its giving Karen vibes. The same works the other way around, too, don’t worry! I do think it’s fairly easy to read someone’s profile and go, “Huh…they must be fun at parties,” or “Wow, they sure are full of themselves.“
Right? You get me?
Just, you know, take that into better consideration.
They either love the small talk, or they absolutely hate it. Honestly, I struggled to see anything in between other than that they feel it’s necessary even though it can be annoying or constricting at times. As someone who struggles with small talk and dislikes it, I want to share my personal feedback on what it actually tells me about a person and teaches me about our interactions.
Small talk is usually pretty good at informing me the kind of mood a person is in. It can show me where their headspace is at, depending on the question(s) they ask and whether or not they’re engaged and/or reciprocal. Small talk, as difficult as it can be, forces us to remain in the present moment. It also indicates whether we are more self-focused or others-focused.
At the end of the day, we do get to know a person on a deeper level through small talk. Otherwise, are we prone to rushing or prematurely sabotaging a potential connection? I think we somehow feel bombarded by the nature of small talk – that its something we have to “get out of the way” before moving onto the deeper, good stuff. Instead we should view small talk like stepping stones rather than pillars to climb.
You’re sabotaging your chances when you go in expecting/anticipating a free meal and drinks. Ladies, listennnnnnn. The key word(s) here is expectation/anticipation. While there is nothing wrong with loving the ideal romantic date of a nice dinner, you should probably figure out if the romance is even really THERE *first*. Trust me, ambience and a $50 steak is not going to somehow manifest that in someone.
Am I saying to be a cheap date? Well…………….yes and no. I think we are to gauge where our expectations are and whether or not they’re appropriate for that level of connection with someone. So, if you’re meeting for the first time, a free meal and drinks should not be your indicator of whether or not there’s a spark between you.
And if you’re guilty of doing this for the mere fact of being wined and dined, believe me when I say your true intentions will be exposed to light one way or another.
Take the time to actually write about yourself in your profile – they not only do read them but they enjoy them. Men are obviously immediately taking note of your pictures on your dating profile, but the good ones will either look beyond that and/or they’ll actually want to read what you have to say about yourself first.
They’re actually pretty opposed to coming across profiles where there’s hardly anything written or its half-assed, regardless of what you look like or how much goes into your looks.
They do appreciate you taking the first initiative (making the first move). You know, as in messaging them first or initiating a meetup! Many appreciate this, since a lot of the pressure still typically resides on men to make the first move.
At the same time, if this just isn’t your thing, I think its still safe to say that most guys (by default) have accepted the lead in this sense. But maybe it wouldn’t hurt to take initiative in other ways (i.e., ask for their number first, be the first to text after a first date, etc.).
Men are still more likely to experience rejection ten folds, and they just want that kept in mind. Statistically, women are receiving more matches and more messages than men….by aaaaa lot. With that in mind, men are experiencing rejection more. *Women do, too – this does not negate that.
Whether you base this on the fact that men, numerically, reach out to more women than women do men (implying that women are “choosier”)…the fact would still stand that not only are men doing more of the initiating but they’re on the receiving end of rejection more often.
Anyway, they just want women to be more aware of that.
Flirting, not flirting – the whole thing is just confusing to them. Do you remember the movie He’s Just Not That Into You? If not, please watch. If so, let’s remember where we came from. It’s US who were misinterpreting flirtatious behavior among men, and the poison was strong.
So, as a woman, I see both sides. I can totally understand what women are saying in regards to our kindness being mistaken for flirting, but I can also empathize with men who are trying really hard to avoid being aloof, evasive and plain idiotic for missing the mark!
Am I saying to stop being kind or friendly? Absolutely not! You can be kind and honest/truthful in correction. IMO, women are naturally better at flirting, so we ought to be the examples so there’s no confusion!
There’s an insane struggle for men coming up with something interesting, witty, and original in their initial message. I didn’t think men over-analyzed this as much as I read. Many accounts saying that first message is what makes or breaks their chances of even getting a response back. I thought simply sending a message first was the hard part, now it’s *what* they say?!
In a nutshell, maybe we should ask ourselves if we’re overthinking on our end? While it’s nice to receive something unique other than, “Hey,” or “Hey, read your profile, and I thought you seemed cool. How are you?” I DOUBT guys are getting together and saying to one another, “Let’s all say the same boring-a**, low-effort thing to women – that’ll grind their gears!“
Just a thought, ladies. But I’m going to make sure to inform the men not to overthink this one.
As crazy as it sounds, guys with real intentions actually want to transition off the app ASAP. Alright, so, as men have put it they often “get lost in the shuffle” since disproportionally women receive more matches and messages –yada yada ya. For a guy with genuine intentions, their goal is obviously to connect with someone and then move from communicating on the app to private numbers. This shows that both parties are more serious and are less likely to get distracted by new matches and messages from the app.
I can agree and understand this, though I am one to caution giving out your number freely, randomly, excessively and quickly to just anyone. You are encouraged to establish a solid interest, at the very least.
Anyway, I guess the point here is it sounds like guys who are seeking a connection beyond a casual level strive to transition from app usage altogether once they’d made a connection they want to focus on more privately. *I don’t think this correlates to fully deactivating the app, though.
Remember, online dating is an introvert’s playground in the dating world. I’m saying this as a reminder that introverts will still act like introverts online and offline. In some cases, introverts will seemingly come across as totally extroverted online but once you meet in person the real them is revealed.
Many guys have made it known that A. they’re obviously more introverted, and B. that they tend to let their anxieties get the best of them when they’re met with someone they actually like.
Same goes for you ladies who are more introverted, too! Speak up about your nerves – I think being honest about who you are and how you feel will save you more than hurt you in this scenario. Otherwise, people are prone to assuming you don’t like them.
The good ones really feel like they’re struggling while its the toxic D-bags continuing to get the attention. Correct me if I’m wrong, but there’s a lot of talk about the “nice” guys not actually being nice, or maybe it’s The Good Guys aren’t genuine if they have to call themselves one of The Good Guys.
IDK, but I am sensing there is some legitimacy to the whimpers of ongoing defeat from the genuinely good ones out there.
In my research quest, one man (divorced, in his 40’s, back in the dating game) even said that he kept getting the, “No chemistry,” response to first dates, with no second dates. But when he decided to switch up his attitude – to “Don’t give a [F]” – across the board, his matches had increased, he got more first dates and a better turnover into second dates. He even said women wanted to go home with him on the first date.
At the end of his rant, he said, and I quote, “In summary, do not be nice, do not be eager and do not be accommodating. Just be a man that really and truly does not give a crap about women in general. Save your kindness, your loyalty, and all the good stuff only for the woman you choose.“
Look, don’t shoot the messenger. And this isn’t the first time I’ve heard/read this similar experience, so take from it what you want or don’t. While it may not be the majority, it made me think about our culture in relationships. It heavily promotes romanticism between a certain “Type”, if you will, and I do believe many women are being hypnotized by this falsified depiction of Love and romance.
Characters like Christian Grey, Noah from The Notebook, Edward from Twilight and Hardin from the After series on Netflix, just to name a few, have made the hearts of women swoon over the recent years. I’m just saying, too many Love stories, movies and shows depict an a**hole-ish or “broken” guy who captures the attention and infatuation of the “good girl”, in turn softening the idea of unhealthy relationships in the name of undeniable *chemistry*.
Oftentimes the girl is depicted as “saving/rescuing” the guy from himself, his own demise or his wrongful ways that ultimately end up wreaking havoc on them both and the relationship.
ANYWAY. More women have become enthralled by this sore thumb, rebellious natured, against the gain, unpredictable (keeps them on their toes, goes hot and cold, etc.), possessively controlling (in a way that is *arousing*), and borderline arrogant type. This is also the guy with a “Gives Zero F’s” about no one (not even the woman he’s with) until his D-baggery is exposed and she attempts to leave him, yet this is when he buckles like a wounded doe.
These are the guys who are more likely to get first and second chances and, frankly, I believe it.