LBR, online dating is not getting any easier. I met my [now] husband online back in 2012, and here are my 50+ online dating success secrets. Okaaaayyy, I realize that is basically a different era now, and a lot has changed since then, but I am confident that my slew of advice still applies to today. Besides, every online dating success story is different, and these secrets are what I learned through mine.
So I say…take what resonates, leave what doesn’t.
I went against a lot of the general norms. And in a short time, I was forced to realize: I, too, am a person with needs and wants – I matter. That goes without saying my integrity was tested, my value was questioned, and I was looked at and treated like an object, property, and a walking piece of meat at times (not a human being).
There were many times I had to stand up for myself, read between the lines of right and wrong, judge simply based on my own well-being, and not lower myself to less than I deserved. Because the truth is – not everyone from online dating sites are real, honest people. And not everyone has real, honest intentions. Fact.
[Related: (watch the video) Online Dating Dangers MORE People Need To Be Aware Of]
My 50+ online dating success SECRETS
Choosing The Dating Site & Dating Profile Setup
DON’T choose a dating site that is known specifically for ‘hook ups’ if you’re looking for a relationship (moreover, choose a site that actually has you fill out a questionnaire, and a detailed-specific profile page – not like you’re stepping into a modeling agency)
DO make a username that sounds interesting and compelling (not repulsive or degrading, like whiskey_bitch_69) – remember, you attract what you project
DO completely fill out all the survey questions and your bio (yes, even if you think it’s a complete waste of time)
DON’T openly give away your phone number on your profile (or location, zip code, and residence – trust me, it’s been done, and it’s gotten weird)
DON’T automatically go for the dating site that has you judge your matches based on pictures (you’re literally basing your sole interest off looks, and by merely swiping left or right you allow your mind to dictate the meaning of dating “success” from an external lens, and you cut your true match supply by more than half)
DO make your hobbies and interests readily available in your bio (got none? Talk about your goals, things you like, or that bring you joy)
DON’T state your specific place of work in your profile (talk about what you do, in general, rather than stating you’re an RN for [this] hospital)
DO experiment with multiple dating sites (just make sure your profiles coincide with each other)
DO use a main profile picture that is tasteful, clear, and not deceptive in [current] appearance (look, all I’m going to say is you will attract what you reveal…and seriously, don’t use a picture from 10 years ago – 2 years old MAX)
DO upload pictures of yourself in the company of friends, family, or places/activities you enjoy.
DON’T upload pictures that are all the same (all pictures of you out drinking, all pictures from over a year ago, bathroom/mirror selfies, etc.).
DON’T only upload group pictures (nobody got time for playing detective as to which one is you)
DON’T upload skewed/doctored photos (don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about – the poor/exaggerated lighting, editing/photoshopping, or Snapchat filters; the “what you thought you were buying, and what you actually received” is a real thing – just don’t).
DON’T use a headshot or mugshot (this isn’t a business resume, doctor’s office wall of fame or the place for public records of crimes you committed; you laugh but I’ve seen it all).
DO avoid selfies at all costs, as well as overtly professional photography (people want to see you, the real-life you, in the eyes of others – not a close-up of your septum piercing or done-up professional photos you paid $300 for)
DO smile (show them teeth – a good sense of hygiene shouldn’t be underexaggerated if they can’t smell it)
DO take a peek at the competition (do this once, then never again – take notes, and come up with your own uniqueness to stand out against the others)
DO make a clear, concise, and interesting bio about yourself (including what you’re looking for – just avoid over-thinking it)
DON’T avoid the inevitable (if you smoke – don’t try and hide it – it won’t matter if they don’t like it and end up finding that out, anyhow)
DON’T tear yourself (and others, like, your ex) down in your profile – MAJOR impression-killer (there’s a difference between, “Am I the hottest thing that walks this planet? Probably not,” and “Not sure who’d want to be with me – I’m ugly as sin.”), but also DON’T be flat-out arrogant and haughty, either (discernment, my friends, discernment)
DO add a couple of interesting facts or *tid-bits* about you in your bio that not many know about you (it adds a bit of mystery and invites conversation – just don’t LIE)
DON’T make your bio a novel (refrain from going on a rant or giving away TOO much – gotta find that right balance)
DON’T talk about why you’re dating online or why you’re not [currently] in a relationship in your bio (if someone really wants to know, they will ask)
DON’T let anyone else write out your bio or make your profile for you (for starters, nobody knows you best – that’s not to say you can’t get external suggestions or help)
DO state on your bio what you are looking for as far as in a relationship/person to date (keep this to one to two sentences, and focus on the *positive* – don’t reiterate your past wounds, “I’m just looking for someone who isn’t a cheating a**hole”)
When you’re on the online prowl
DO listen to your gut instinct (if you have any doubt, with justification to it, there’s probably more than enough reason to adhere to it)
DO be choosy (just because there’s many readily available, or you feel there’s nothing at all, doesn’t mean every or any person is right for the picking)
DON’T underestimate a good bullsh**ter (what he says in his profile may speak fluently poetic, but be sure to read in between the lines when he says he loves to gamble, yet is “between jobs”)
DO give credit to those who speak highly of something [*that may be important to you] (their family, friends, job, God, etc.)
DO take premature attachment seriously (especially those who are “open books”, love-bombing you with affection and attention without even knowing/meeting you, or trying to push/fast-track certain milestones [before you’re ready]…right out the gate; you may be swooning, but if you’ve never heard of ‘trauma bonds’ – Google it)
DO take heed against those who only uploaded ONE photo of themselves (more than likely he’s saving the rest of his pictures to send to you “privately” – don’t go there if you aren’t looking for a “show”)
DON’T obsess over minute, insignificant details (so he lives 30 minutes away instead of your preferred 15, drives a beater older than your grandma, owns a condo instead of a house, prefers dogs over cats – is it really that big of a deal?)
DO understand that if he’s posting pictures with a woman other than his mom, grandma, sister, or cousin…raise questions as to how he’s trying to sell himself to be (ahem – player vibes)
DON’T let your standards slip because you’re feeling hopeless (if your deal breaker is a smoker, don’t play the “I guess it’s not so bad – I mean, he’s just so good looking…” game)
DON’T infatuate yourself over a photo (Just because he’s a hunk in that one picture with his shirt off – please, do yourself a favor and get to know the guy before you deem him worthy of your emotional investment)
DO understand that pictures are worth a thousand words in online dating (if you want someone who is goal/family-oriented, confident, ambitious, cultured or well-rounded, and “stable” – their pictures WILL reflect that, I PROMISE you)
DO realize that just because someone’s interests and hobbies don’t align or match with yours, doesn’t mean you should rule them out (unless that interest/hobby goes against your morals and values, differences in hobbies can create a diverse relationship)
DON’T succumb to the one who has a live-in EX, is “in the middle of a divorce”, or tears down their previous partner/relationship in their profile (they’re certainly not looking for your compassion – they’re looking for you to fulfill a particular “role”, while having their cake and eating it, too)
DON’T bother getting more information from the ones who wrote absolutely nothing in their profile other than “DM me if you’re interested…” (this is not a casting call – that smells like low effort all around, including how he will treat YOU)
DON’T make [bodily] assumptions based on what you can and can’t see (if there’s no [close to] a full-body profile in their pictures, what [else] are they trying to hide?)
DON’T get butt-hurt over a miss-match (if you were matched with someone non-religious when religion matters to you, stop overthinking it and move on)
DO hone your detailed “expectations list” or keep it to yourself (nobody needs to know that he must be taller than 5’5, with dark hair – preferably long – green eyes, puts the toilet seat down, and waxes their nose hairs monthly)
DO take breaks from time to time if you’re beginning to feel overwhelmed or obsessed over the process (You are bound to experience lulls – new people join more than you think, and the old will continue to recycle through your search results before new ones settle in)
DO allow yourself to believe that age is just a number, but remember that the number also has everything to do with maturity and current life aspirations. Just because he’s 22, in school, job-less and a party-goer, or 32, established, divorced and experienced – he may or may not be truly ready for the kind of relationship you’re looking for out of the deal.
DO try really hard not to judge as to why he’s online in the first place (Whether he’s 19 or 35 – everyone’s got their beef – people are dating online for different reasons)
DON’T judge solely based on a thumbnail profile picture (Make the effort to at least read their bio and look at the other included pictures before concluding a disinterest)
DO set a “within range” vicinity and age wise (This will narrow your options, and you won’t receive messages from others outside those ranges)
DO take note that some profiles are actually scam/sex bots (They’re not real people, and they’re likely to message you multiple times, and spam you with fake links and pictures – ignore them)
What to say, and what not to say
DO make the first move in messaging (It isn’t a game of cat and mouse, just be prepared for messages left unread or ignored sometimes – it’s not a new thing)
DON’T fester with the guy who asks you 20+ questions, or sends you a 1,000 word life story in the first message (It’s not worth it, trust me – he will write you again a couple days later the exact same thing – you’ll soon realize he’s known as the “copy and paster”)
DON’T be so easy to exchange numbers (Keep a margin of your privacy until the intentions are clear or a “date” is set in place – don’t go the route of having 10 call blocks on your list when you are perfectly capable of communicating on the app)
DON’T feel like you must, should and are forced to respond to someone (Call it rude, but sometimes letting certain messages you receive go ignored is the better option all around – some people are bat-sh** crazy, creepy and don’t take well to rejection in the first place; don’t compromise your peace, protect your energy)
With that, DO expect to receive multiple messages from the same people (Some harassing, some not – a lot will be simply follow ups, or “copy and paste” messages – meaning you’re not the only one they’re scoping – just delete them and move on)
DO try to say more than just “Hi”, “How are you”, or “What are you up to” in the first message (Get creative and stand out – make a point to announce something you read in their profile – spark a conversation that is meant for meaningful reciprocation)
DO be flirtatious, without being promiscuous (Know the difference)
DO avoid those who talk about sex or their sexual encounters like the plague (Don’t think twice about it, if they have to talk about sex before having even known your name or met you – it’s obvious what their intentions are)
DON’T beg for validation (If he hasn’t responded, don’t write him again or question his intentions – if it’s been days or weeks, move on – this goes for physical validation as well, ladies, you’re better than that)
DO take cover from those who cannot articulate (This is likely more a personal preference, but you might want to consider that someone’s ability to communicate and articulate is a big indicator of their maturity)
DON’T take the words “sexy”, “cutie”, “ma”, “bae”, or online cat-calling as a heartfelt gesture (It in no way displays their interest, other than into your pants – guys know physical attention is something insecure women will swoon over – someone real will try to steal your attention having to focus on your looks)
DO make a point in asking specifics that may be deal-breakers to you (Don’t assume that because it isn’t in their profile that it doesn’t exist – so if it looks like he may have kids but you’re not certain, ASK)
DON’T talk about your past relationship experiences (Don’t let your previous love life, or theirs, dictate or influence opportunity)
DO try to be light-hearted in the process, and give some credit to nervousness (Not everyone is tech-savy, and online dating won’t come “naturally” or easy for everyone)
DON’T lose sleep over the guy who only messages you to talk late at night (It’s not the only chance he’s got – trust me – if it’s not because his girlfriend finally fell asleep next to him, then you just aren’t worth the effort other than for a late-night hoo-rah)
DO be honest in terms of initial chemistry, interest, and connection (With yourself, and the other person – if none of it is there BEFORE you meet, let’s start making a change and let them know where you’re head and heart’s at ahead of time)
With that, DO understand the meaning of social connection and it’s potential before a meet up (No matter who says “You don’t know if there’s chemistry, interest or a connection until you meet” – it’s a total lie. You should go into the first date, or meet up, with something instead of unclarity)
DON’T continue having conversations with those you are not, or no longer, romantically interested in (This creates not only confusion for you, but for them, and you’ll quickly lose sight in finding that romantic connection elsewhere)
DON’T respond to negative activity brought upon you (Nasty, vile, abrasive comments, messages, or initiations – you’re likely to get a few, many, or none if you’re lucky – but they aren’t worth engaging with, period)
DO ask all the right questions, without it seeming like a drill-lecture (Asking right off the bat if he has ever cheated isn’t the meaningful way to initially get to know anyone – no matter how many times you’ve been played)
DON’T feel obligated to answering too personal of questions, just as it works the other way around (Be mindful of your privacy and others’ – trust is also earned, remember that, so save the deep questions for a little way down the road)
DON’T subject yourself to someone who whips out their number and a day to set a date in the first message, or even the first few (These are known as the solicitors of online dating – you are one of many they have sent that same message to – they’re honestly looking to fill, nothing more)
DON’T make sexual references, or egg on sexual references (There are more than not those who are looking for that satisfaction – don’t give it to them)
DO be the one to initiate a “meet up” or “first date” (When it’s right for you – there’s no reason a woman can’t make the move)
DON’T write him off for not immediately asking you on a first date (He may be respecting your boundaries in asking, afraid of possible rejection, or wanting to take things slow – do your part and start asking the right questions)
DON’T internalize the “dick pic” situation (You’re likely to run into those ‘lower than the earth’s scum’ type of people – laugh, and move on without engaging)
DO take note whether the conversation is reciprocal (He should be asking you questions, as you should be asking them in return – it should be a constant flow of question, engagement and reciprocation if there is an honest interest)
First impression is everything
DO have common sense, especially street smart common sense (What you put in is what you will get back – the way you portray yourself is likely to define the people you attract and who you are attracted to)
DON’T lower yourself to anyone who feels the need to try and “convince” you they are “right for you” (Only you know that, and nobody should have to go the route of “convincing”)
DO set the standard as far as setting a date or when to meet up, stick to it and make it known (Many are quick to set a date within the first or few initial messages – more than likely simply wanting to pencil you in their busy calendar of dates (last minute), or are simply desperate for anything that accepts (their almost “too” flexible)
DO know the difference between someone who is patient, and someone who is rushing to get to know you (This isn’t, by any means, a race – Rome wasn’t built in a day – as shouldn’t any relationship)
DON’T hesitate to cut him loose when need be (He says something to offend your beliefs, rights or dignity, makes you uncomfortable or crosses the line too far by words, actions or behavior – those are more than enough reasons to let him go)
DO manage to get through the entire date, even if it’s a dud or lost cause (Whatever you do – do not up and leave by ditching your date mid-way – suffer through, be pleasant and make it clear by the end that there is nothing more than friendship – you wouldn’t want the other way done to you, would you?)
DON’T give him the benefit of the doubt if he cancels last minute, or bails on the “first date” more than once (It better have been for a funeral, or saving a drowning puppy during a hurricane – but one and done is the name of the game)
DON’T just settle for the “meet up for drinks” strategy (The idea is so boring today, even as a “meet up” or “first date” – go for the guy with a little more creativity instead of the one who needs alcohol to lighten the mood)
DON’T live in skepticism by standing on the sidelines (Saying “no” to every guy, or to every date isn’t going to get you anywhere – granted, being “yes” girl may not get you into a relationship, but you’ll get your feet off the ground and that’s a start)
DO keep your “first date”, or meet up, rather short and no more than a couple hours (Even if things are going well – don’t make it an all day affair – leave it to the 2nd date or “first REAL date”)
DON’T force something if it isn’t there (This will backfire on you, and you’ll wind up wasting your time in the end)
DON’T solely expend your energy on one person who wouldn’t be worth “deactivating” your profile for – be open to others – and just know that this is to be expected vice versa (especially if you’ve never met or only met once/a couple times)
DON’T let him pick you up for the “first date” or meet-up (Give yourself leeway to and fro – out of safety concerns – and if there’s a 2nd date out of the deal, then he can show his chivalrous side)
DO let go of your sensitivities (You’re going to make mistakes, you’ll [unintentionally] hurt people and be hurt by others – don’t let these obstacles mold you)
DON’T underestimate your power – you are in control of YOU (The ball is always in your court)
DO make sure that if and when you meet, make it public (For safety concerns, and the mere fact you shouldn’t be in seclusion on a first date/meet-up)
DON’T buckle over sweet coos and romantic insinuations (That sounds harsh, but c’mon, he probably has yet to hear your own voice – so no normal, stable, sane human being is going to tell you after a few days that they wish you were in their arms, especially when they’ve never met you)
DO go by the “First Five” rule (Ask yourself after 5 messages back and forth if there is a definitive interest – if you answer, “Eh” or “Maybe”, give yourself to 10 but no more before calling it)
DO realize that if he doesn’t seem like he is interested in you – just assume he isn’t (Bottom line is: if he’s truly interested, you won’t need to question it – moving on may just be the fire under his a** to step up his game, anyhow)
DON’T feel like you need to accept a date, or meet up, if you are asked sooner than your comfort level (Surely, they will understand, and should respect you – how he reacts will show you more than half his initial moral and character – I weeded out many this way and was able to quickly see who was truly interested in me and not just the imagery of me)
The cold, hard truths (whether you want to hear it or not…)
DO come to terms with the fact that you might not get any messages at times (Or you may go from 10 a day to 2 – don’t let this discourage you)
DON’T flatter yourself by playing hard to get (It gets you nowhere in the end – prospects will drop like flies – so be real, proactive and up front with your feelings and true intentions)
DO expect to be part of the competition (If you’re dating online only to talk and date one guy at a time, doesn’t mean he’s inclined to doing the same)
With that, DON’T take losing to heart (If someone else has captivated his interest over you, it was honestly meant to be – don’t let it affect you)
DON’T be the pushover (Most never realize this is even happening, but when he starts guilt-tripping you past your limitations – such as trying to get you to do or feel things you aren’t comfortable with – or making an attempt to control your feelings – cut him off immediately)
DO read into the signs of possible “disinterest” (This can even be as easily overlooked as initiation – are you making too much of the effort to communicate, to set a date, picking the time and place, and being too readily available and flexible?)
With that, DO allow him to lead (You know, to take initiative or pull his own weight – so unless you’re cool with the more passive approach that many would call “lazy” and unmotivated, then be ready to make all the moves and pull out all the stops)
DON’T be fooled – a “first meeting” or “first date” should never consist of meeting/spending time at one another’s place (If you honestly believe this is justified, you’re dating against the grain)
[mailerlite_form form_id=23]DON’T play the mind games (What I mean is: don’t [purposefully] do things to get a rise from him (I know you know) – he’s likely going to heed the warning that you’re immature – don’t be that gal)
DO realize that you are easy to find on other social media accounts the moment you’ve given away your name and identity (So if you’ve been dishonest they are likely to find out the truth fairly easily)
With that, DO know that you’re likely to have been found and crept on social media within the first few messages, if not before (keep your socials on PRIVATE if you don’t want the intrusion, just sayin’)
DON’T smother, hover or interrogate, no matter the situation (That’s a surefire way to get yourself ghosted, sorry)
With that, DO take being “ghosted” as the simplest form of “disinterest”, or that there’s someone else (Don’t read into this or give it the attention it doesn’t deserve – if he was truly into you, there would be a full-force effort on his part)
DO be skeptical of guys who come back for round 2 (If he ignored you, or declined you once, then came back in a change of heart – be weary that he may be using you as a back-up or rebound)
DON’T expect the horse and carriage first date (The very “first date” is technically a “meet and greet” – don’t go all in expecting a dozen roses, romance, and candlelit dinner – expect to go “Dutch” unless he offers and insists on paying)
With that, DON’T automatically knix someone for initiating to go Dutch on the first date/meet up (if traditional dating values are important to you, make_that_loud_and_clear)
DON’T play the whole “3-day rule” after a date, and don’t settle for someone who plays that in return (It’s the 21st century with instantaneous gratification in communication – the 3-day rule is just another way of saying, “I need time to decide if you’re worth keeping around”)
DON’T be arrogant, even if you blame it on “nerves” (It’s a major turn-off, so don’t make the entire conversation about you, and watch for this the other way around)
DON’T take it so personally – he’s likely going on dates or has been on dates other than with you (He’s not doing anything wrong until there has been a mutual and communicated understanding of exclusivity)
With that, DO make sure it has been communicated that exclusivity is mutual, and that is the point where both should be deactivating and deleting their profile accounts (Don’t just assume that after 5 dates, and him having once said “you’re special – I’ve never met anybody like you – I’d like to see where this goes” does not mean “I only want to see you – I’m deleting my dating profile”)
DO depend more on concise communication during the process of online dating (It’s all you have initially, through messaging, so be sure to make yourself VERY clear from the beginning and ask him to explain things you do not understand)
DO come to terms with the fact that a “meeting” might be the true face of incompatibility (You might realize almost instantaneously that he is just not the person for you upon meeting them – be OK with that, and get through the date with poise)
DO be your whole-hearted self over pretending to be who you’re not in order to “Woo” them (Do not, and I repeat, do NOT mold or conform yourself to be the person THEY need/want in order to be accepted/CHOSEN)
DON’T make your first “meet up” a double-date (Don’t make the situation tenser than it is, besides, you will spend that time talking as a group and not actually getting to know each other)
DON’T overestimate a good “first date” (Though something to be hopeful and excited about, it’s not the time to go ahead and start planning the wedding, by any means – things can quickly change the moment emotions start playing a part)
With that, DO look into the logistics (If the first date was great, but no mention or plan of a 2nd – it may have been “great” for you but not the other way around – just something to bear in mind)
DO realize that the process may take you going on several “first dates”, with no seconds (This is why it is said that the “first date” is relatively defined as just a “meeting” – there may not be any romanticism behind it to classify it as a “date”)
DO understand that just because you went on a date with someone – you do not “own” or “owe” them (1. They are not committed to you, meaning you are not entitled to their time or energy, and 2. You are NOT obligated to “return the/any favors” – PERIOD)
