Okay, do I speak for *all* women when it comes to online dating advice for men? No, obviously not. But I would still advise taking notes, because its 2024 going into 2025 and here’s what women are saying about dating online and what they want you to know about their online dating experience.
For reference, I wrote a post for women on what men have to say about online dating. And when I say I did my homework, I mean it. Gathering and sorting through information from multiple sources – that you can fact check me here, here, here, and here – the same work went into both sides.
Funny thing is, both men and women complained about similar things. So isn’t that nice to share commonality? Moreover, if you’re dating online, we should be asking, “What is my role here? Is there anything I’ve taken away from this post that I can stop or start doing?“
Online dating advice for men – sincerely, women
As a former online dater with online dating success (meaning, I met my now husband from dating online), the insight and opinions I dish are solely based on my personal experience. Everyone’s personal experience will be different, so this post is not meant to discourage but to help you be more aware and lead with caution while remaining hopeful. If you have any personal or specific questions, feel free to reach out to me!
Avoid responding with one-word answers, especially without a reciprocal question. While, yes, women are also guilty of this it’s important to focus on the end-goal: if you’re truly interested an effort will be made where it is due. Prepare to twitch, but we need to stop allowing pride to take the driver’s seat.
Listen, the same logic also applies to both parties: one-word or short answer responses, especially without a follow-up question or reciprocal engagement SCREAMS that you’re either playing games (stringing them along), already have your mind made up (about that person and your intentions), are just in it for the attention (gratification), or avoiding rejection (by the slow-fade, let down approach).
If you’re going to act all interested and then flake last minute, at least be a considerate “jerk” about it. Nobody likes being rejected. Nobody actually likes doing the rejecting, either. Many don’t see what the big deal is to just ignore, block and move on from someone you exchanged a few messages with, set a date with and ultimately change your mind about.
In some cases this tactic might be necessary, but being a jerk either way is inescapable – whether you ghost her or let her down by a simple text. You’re a jerk, to her, because she’s hurt in some way, even if you don’t mean to be or were honest in good faith.
I’ll keep saying it even though we never learn: you’re only doing more harm to yourself when you treat dating like a round-a-bout.
Single men in their 30s, or 40s (Unmarried, divorced, etc.): we hear your struggle, and we just have many reservations. Again, while I don’t speak for *all* women, I am simply stating what I find women are commonly saying on the matter.
The reservation begins at the big Why: *Why* is he still single? *Why* has he yet to be married? *Why* did his marriage fail? *Why* did he wait so long to prioritize finding a life partner? *Why* is he suddenly ready for marriage and kids only at 40? And so on.
Even as a married woman, I concur with these reservations. These are very valid questions, and the same reservation can also apply to single, unmarried or divorced women of the same age range – I’m aware and I understand. While I didn’t get married *young*, per say, it was part of my life aspiration to seek out a life partner earlier in life rather than later.
It is a matter we are dealt with and must navigate in a culture where individuals are choosing to forgo, minimize or postpone certain relational life aspirations for others. I would argue we are even discouraged from it.
My piece of advice here? Stand firm in your *Why* – allow it to make you better, not bitter.
More women (now in their 30s) don’t want kids. And this is a fact. Honestly, reading through the many comments of women saying they CAN’T find a man who doesn’t want kids was….astounding!
I always believed it was the opposite – that women struggled to find men who wanted kids. But when reading and investigating further, I noticed a pattern: men in their 30s dating online were often the ones ready for marriage and wanting kids.
While I don’t have advice on this point (actually, I do, but I think it’s best I keep to myself on this one), I’m more so shedding light on a fact.
Do not invite her to your place on the first date or meetup. Don’t go there. No other explanation is really needed here – we’re really not interested, no matter how good your cooking is. It’s giving predatory vibes.
Yet if you do or make a mention of it, and she reluctantly agrees (meaning, her response is not immediate and enthusiastic), do your part in revoking your suggestion.
Stop telling women their standards are too high as if you have none. Also, stop telling women what standards they should or shouldn’t have. Men, too, have standards just like women. Men’s standards are also different from women’s, notably because I believe we’re wired differently so we seek out and require distinctive things in a partner and relationship.
That’s not to say people don’t have unrealistically high standards – oh, boy, we do – but that is something each individual will face and have to work out for themselves in their own time. Or they won’t, and they’ll be stuck in the same loop expecting a different result.
Though, I must point out the obvious – are you simply big mad over the fact she’s *perfect* in every other way except for her high demands, so your go-to is chipping away her morale so she is more likely to tolerate maltreatment?
Everyone has their own standard in a partner, but the truth is…no one existing on this globe will fit a person’s standard 100%. So let’s redirect this thinking to, “I cannot meet or fulfill their standard(s), and that’s okay,” or “You have a certain standard to be met, and I’m not the person to meet it.” And let it be that.
Many women are simply not down rushing to meet face to face or to meet in person right out the gate. It’s a personal safety thing, and we’re not sorry. Sure, on the flip side there are woman who are totally up for this level of spontaneity.
Still, I came across more points from women who were very against meeting too soon. As if meeting a stranger online isn’t weird enough, there’s something about taking a little time to get to know someone – you know, banter a little – before making the jump to meet.
There’s lots of fakes, phonies, stalkers and scammers online, yet most are not going to spend a ton of time fake-earning someone’s trust before their true colors eventually slip and are revealed.
For instance, I spent a good week or two conversing with someone, but when I declined meeting in person (because I felt this sense of things being rushed along) they had the most revolting reaction for someone who hardly knew me. Their level of anger over my desire to wait made me dig my heels in deeper on my stance of taking my time before meeting anyone face-to-face.
For those who didn’t have to sit and wait long enough for dial-up to use the internet (those who know, know), then you’re going to have to try a different tactic to get that instantaneous gratification. I’m just saying, patience and self-awareness goes a long way, and if you’re dating online there needs to be a little more of it.
We have plenty of “good” and “nice” dates, there’s just something missing. I read this, surprisingly, a lot. Women who say they go on a pretty awesome date with a genuinely great guy who, yes, they find attractive…there’s just something missing. That whole instantaneous, romantic *spark* thing. You might call it getting that crush-like feeling we experienced in grade school.
Granted, I can fully understand the distorted Love at First Sight mess. I unpack that big time on the ladies’ side of this post (here). But as a 30-something year old married woman, I NOW know that Love is not something you stumble upon, are rescued by, or get swept up in unknowingly; it’s something you create and share with someone over time.
When you’re building a fire, a flame doesn’t just appear from thin air – it requires the tools, skills, effort and persistence necessary to create that spark (and keep the flame alive).
So what exactly am I saying here? Well, give us some grace, please, while we sort this out. More importantly, since our heads (and hearts) are in the clouds, it could do wonders helping keep our feet planted on the ground. Lovingly, of course – not how you would if you were talking sense into one of your bros.
We can read *attitude* in your profile, and whether its giving D-bag vibes. The same works the other way around, too, don’t worry! I do think it’s fairly easy to read someone’s profile and go, “Huh…they must be fun at parties,” or “Wow, they sure are full of themselves.”
Right? You get me?
Just, you know, take that into better consideration.
We can’t tell who is shy, anxious and more introverted over a dating app – we’d rather you be up front about it when it counts. As an introvert, I completely agree! Many times I was unsure what to say, was nervous about talking on the phone, didn’t respond or text back as much as the other person, or meet ups surfaced many anxieties (i.e., blank stares, awkward silence, dead-end conversations, making a fool of myself, etc.).
The best thing for me to do was to simply state what I was feeling in that moment, regardless how stupid or uncomfortable it felt saying it aloud, because at the very least I was reassuring that person it wasn’t because I was disinterested.
So for the men with frequent nerves or social anxiety, and those with fewer words (literally), your best option is to lay it out on the table – you know, like informed consent.
“Hey, just so you know, I’m not like a huge *texter*, so please don’t take it personal if I don’t respond right away.“
“I get super nervous on first dates. I thought I’d tell you ahead of time in case there’s awkward silence between us. It’s me, not you.“
You put up a good fight or front online, but we get yellow/red flags of who we meet in person. Let me explain this one a bit. You’re talking to someone online and you’re gathering this persona of who they are based on the things they say and how they came across. Then, when you finally meet in-person, they’re seemingly polar opposite of the qualities exhibited online.
For instance, she noticed the guy she was talking to from Day 1 was willfully engaged, asking questions to get to know her, made direct remarks about wanting a long-term relationship, etc. etc.. Then on the day they met, the entire date he talked mostly about himself, hardly asked reciprocating questions, and even mentioned that he wasn’t looking for something too serious.
Blame nerves, introversion or anxiety, but there comes a point when contradicting qualities or a personality shift can have someone question whether or not the person they got to know online (or vice versa) is genuine.
When we ask you the tough, serious questions, it’s because we’re not looking to waste both our time. From whether or not you’re ready for marriage and want kids in your future, to your stance on certain topics like divorce, relationship equality, gender roles and the like, we’re really implying that we’re not messing around.
Both parties seem very Pro “not wasting time”, so to figure out the concrete answers to your personal aspirations in life, a partner and a relationship seems like a no-brainer these days.
That said, please don’t alter, sway or sweeten your answers as a way to facilitate or extend the life of a connection that’s not likely to share a similar end-goal.
Please don’t assume our kindness for flirting. Men: when someone (anyone) does something “nice” for you, do you automatically assume they’re flirting with you? More than likely you don’t.
While women are not off the hook for mistaking kind gestures as advances (“Omg, he let me borrow his pen, he totally has feelings for me!“), we have to do a better job deconstructing the difference between kindness/friendliness and flirting, because clearly we’re enmeshing the two. That or we need to be more direct when we are, in fact, flirting.
For instance, buying a woman a drink is common knowledge flirtatious behavior. On the other hand, opening the door for a woman is not – that is mere kindness. Unfortunately, I do find men are confusing a woman’s personality (including acts of kindness) as flirtatious, when it’s not.
I get it – when Jessica Rabbit is batting her eyes, it can be difficult to distinguish whether she simply has an eyelash in her eye. Yes, many cartoons taught us that body language, facial expression, direct attention, and proximity (physical closeness) go hand-in-hand. Hello, Pepe Le Pew and Penelope.
Now all of a sudden, in a tech-based world, a “Thank you!! [smiley or heart emoji]” somehow equates to flirting. There’s a huge gap missing here, and I can’t put my finger on it.
I’ll go out on a limb and say when you thank the FedEx employee for handing you your package you’re likely not hand signaling them with a heart in return, nor are they. It’s really far fetched to assume that random acts of kindness, even if their somewhat consistent and vivacious – like your co-worker who surprises you with a coffee, along with their own, every Tuesday – are implicitly flirtatious in nature.
But, seriously, let’s not be rash and completely incinerate flirting altogether! Again, women have been just as guilty of this with men’s behavior – I meannnnn who hasn’t seen He’s Not That Into You?!
All in all, more discernment is needed in this area, and when in doubt you’re better off assuming its not or asking directly, “Are you flirting with me?“
Bottom-line is if you’re separated you’re still married, not divorced (single). Here it is in simpler terms: get divorced before you start dating and calling yourself a single man. That’s a nuclear mess a lot of women aren’t even willing to entertain these days.
Your personal safety may not be of your concern, but for women it’s a constancy. It’s true – most men don’t have to fear for their life, anywhere, anytime, and for no reason. I used to not fully understand the gravity of this situation – I always kind of sided with the idea that threat is equal across the board and that situational circumstances can dictate more or less (which I still find true). But now…I’m fully grasping the bigger picture.
For instance, men generally don’t fear for their life over a woman stalking them. But women generally fear for their life over a man stalking them.
You may full and well accept your end of responsibility, but when you’re inconvenienced by her more guarded approach (i.e., she isn’t ready to go to one another’s place) or annoyed of certain measures she takes (i.e., she has a code word for her friends on standby) then its safe for a woman to presume you to be a threat.
So my advice here isn’t just to take measures in earning her trust by making her feel safe, but to also have a shift in mindset.
You can stop with the dirty or sexually explicit messages already. This one probably doesn’t even apply to the person reading this, because if there’s anything I’ve learned is that those with enough self-control aren’t the ones sending n*des or s*x-focused messages, and they’re definitely not reading through the entirety of this post in an attempt to reform or refine themselves.
But, obviously, I had to add this one in there because a lot of women are still experiencing it. So let this one just be a reminder.
If we don’t reply to your initial message, or just stop responding altogether, we know. Getting ghosted is not a new thing, online dating just made it more prominent because you’re getting matched with a pool all at once. It’s a saturated market of categorically derived individuals. You name it, online dating has it all. People looking for different things for different reasons, good, bad, healthy and unhealthy.
At the same time, someone may be conversing with multiple people – this can get rather difficult! There were definitely messages that went unread and ignored while I was focusing on [x] number of people. That was the risk I took and the possible chances I missed out on – that was that.
Therefore, we know what we’re doing when we don’t reply to your first message or when we stop responding to you altogether. It is personal, but it also isn’t. It’s personal because we have our own reasoning – we live with that decision and, yes, we know there’s a not-so-nice receiving end of that decision. I hate to say it but we’re just choosing to look the other way.
When I also say it’s not personal, what I mean is you shouldn’t take the passive rejection of a stranger online personally. Online dating, unfortunately, makes it incredibly easy – in fact, it sets us up – to behave more passively and passive-aggressively. While we thought the ease of being behind a computer screen would make it easier to be more up front and honest, it has only paved a way for us to take the path of least resistance.
Both parties are insanely guilty of doing this, so it just makes the most sense to avoid letting this level of rejection get to you.
That being said, how you handle rejection of any kind says a lot about you. Sometimes messages get lost in translation – I get that. There are even times two individuals part ways for a bit but then one may end up rekindling the conversation again down the road – that’s what my husband did to me!
How you carry yourself, and handle any level of rejection, is going to tell us enough about you. And when I’m talking about levels of rejection, this includes feeling rejected simply because they did not respond to your message right away, in a timely manner, or left you on read for hours before responding. Mainly, the point being, we expect your confidence not to be easily shaken.
My husband took a MAJOR leap to reach out over a month later from a conversation he sent to its grave. He could have easily made the snarkiest remark or wanted the last word to tie up loose ends, but his out of the blue, “Are you alive?” was the very message that made me cackle in the middle of work and since then it’s been history.
Really, avoid overthinking what to say in your initial/first message. I see you guys, struggling to come up with something witty, interesting, funny, original – the whole bit. I know you’re trying to stand out from the crowd, we get it. *I think women ought to take some of the blame here because I don’t think we struggle with this as much when making the first approach (in the majority, we aren’t)
That being said, are we saying we’re totally inclined when we receive, “Hey,” over “It says in your profile you’ve traveled to X, X, and X – if you could live in any of those places, where would you pick?” I mean, we’re drawn towards the latter.
I was a big Skyrim nerd at the time so obviously I reflected that on my profile, and my husband’s first message (not knowing a lick of Skyrim lingo), took it upon himself to dig and came up with a related question. I do remember chuckling, that’s all I know, and – duh – of course I responded.
But honestlyyyyy, stop overthinking this, otherwise you sabotage any chance by not making a move at all.
While women certainly don’t want a push-over fella, we DEFINITELY aren’t attracted to the Type-A. Allow me to take it a step further: we’re repulsed by the guy who says and acts like he’s superior to women, always wants to fight everyone, can’t even handle their own testosterone (lack of self-control and emotional regulation), puts their sex and physique on an ungodly pedestal, and feels entitled to power and control (especially in the relationship).
It’s just not a *welcoming* approach – never has been, never will be.
Women who are dating for a commitment date with a potential partner in mind. It’s not that your interests, job, hobbies, and your passion for staying fit aren’t important – really – it’s that women who are looking for a long-term relationship (and beyond that) date specifically with partnership in mind.
Meaning, compatibility is at the forefront. Like, are you good company? How would people describe you as a companion or friend? Because there’s no point in spending time with someone to only get to know them strictly on a surface-level basis. And sometimes the focus can be too much on a good time or going with the flow – aka, the connection remaining stagnant and going nowhere.
This sounds a bit brash, but in the big scheme of things it’s not mutual interests and similar foodie favorites that set the foundation or keep a relationship together.
On the flip side, more women (as of late 2024) aren’t even interested in getting married or serious dating anymore. As far as why that is, there are a multitude of answers. For one, they’re simply not happy with what’s (who’s) available to them. And that’s as far as I’m willing to unpack there.
As for men who are looking for the more casual dating approach, this may be a win for you, but at the same time maybe not. So this point may be a good indication for why there are online dating struggles increasingly on the men’s side: there are far less women online dating now more than ever when the numbers were already not in your favor to begin with.