Yes, Love bombing in friendship does exist – it’s a real thing! We didn’t think that was solely applied to dating, did we? All relationship types can experience Love bombing, even familial ones, not just romantic relationships. That leads us to question what exactly this may look like, and whether or not it differs from connections beyond the platonic level.
How do we typically define Love bombing, and under what light? We probably view Love bombing as more of a negative extreme, right? For instance, Love bombing is often defined as knowingly manipulative behavior displayed from selfish motives, meaning, the person is Love bombing (knowingly, aware) with motive, which makes the behavior insincere. The behavior of Love bombing is on the extreme side, but at the end of the day drawing that hard line is pretty subjective. What may be extreme, excessive or bothersome to one person may not be to another.
What we unpack in this post..
While this is all true, I also think there’s another side to Love bombing we often see but call it by other names. So a lot of this post contains personal reflection and experience from me, and the aspect of Love bombing in friendship that is a bit different and maybe not considered or talked about. Personally, I do think it’s possible for Love bombing behaviors to have genuine motive (of Love, care and interest) yet unknowingly operates from a place of insecurity and control, and extremity of behavior remaining subjective.
So I wonder if behaviors rooted in over-performance and over-extending (popular topics among the self-healing and personal growth movement) can be another form of Love bombing. Tell me in a comment, what do you think? Like I said, Love bombing is relational across the board, but shouldn’t only be viewed from a romantic level or a negative extreme.
In terms of Love bombing in friendship, or also known as friend bombing, what could this look like and is it always in a negative light? Are we guilty of softening Love bombing’s definition? Just some questions to keep in mind and reflect on.
Love bombing in friendship is a real thing, and this is what it looks like
Bids for emotional connection that are excessive
Contrary to belief, friendships and especially new ones can also experience a similar falling in Love effect. Namely, for the Love bomber, there’s a level of connection they desire and are striving to meet. Is this technically a bad thing? On the outside, not always. I also left out that they may seem desperate to achieve it, which means their passion or intensity toward that connection greatly exceeds the other’s.
Remember, over-performing and extending stems from a level of insecurity. The technicality here is that we’re not comfortable openly admitting that these behaviors are still manipulative and self-focused in nature, even if without malicious intent. I can say with confidence, as someone who has been guilty of over-performing, from the core I do so out of deeply rooted insecurities and as a means to control (to gain approval, acceptance, as well as to avoid abandonment and rejection.). There’s a reason it’s called over-perform, since the reality is we all perform for others as a means to give and receive.
Moreover, when considering Love bombing as an over or hyper extreme, the Bomb part here is rather internal combustion, where the Love bomber is usually the one more directly affected by its damage. Through personal experience, I find it hard to disprove being the one to hold and ultimately set off the grenade in my own hands. And maybe this will resonate with someone, too.
Is it possible, in circumstances through mainstream, we’ve quietly replaced Love bombing with much softer language, and instead telling particular individuals they simply “have a lot of Love to give,“, “Love people *too much* or more *deeply* than others“, or “haven’t found people who will pour the same amount of Love and energy into them“? In other words, have we really just been patting Love bombers on the back? I am certain this is true.
That being said, if someone is prematurely and/or excessively pouring or dumping themselves into a friendship (maliciously or not), is that not still considered Love bombing?
Have we not encountered friends or individuals who seem to give excessive praise or adoration, move too fast too soon, share too much (with little to no filter or privacy), and have an uncanny level of comfortability when the feeling isn’t mutual? If I’m being honest, I guarantee there are many who even totally vibe with that kind of person. So Friend bombing in and of itself would boil down to what’s “excessive” and when on a per individual level. Some friends end up friend bombing each other, and that somehow working for them…until it doesn’t.
On the receiving end, this “excessive” outpouring can be suffocating, because that’s how Love bombing typically feels – depleting, smothering, and even conscience-stricken (i.e., this feeling of guilt as if you’re not doing enough to be a better or good friend). When something begins to feel like it’s too much, the friendship can then feel forced, fake and ultimately blah (undesirable), which can make bids for connection hard to receive and return. That sucks, too, because it’s true as they say that sometimes too much can ruin a good thing.
Implied or demanded unlimited access to time, space, effort and resources
Notice I included both implied and demanded here, because they’re equally appropriate when talking about Love bombing in friendship. We know what it means to demand something, which is more obvious. A friend that demands access to you is likely to condemn you, make you feel guilty, target your character (i.e., villainize you) or even give you ultimatums (as to threaten the friendship altogether).
Here’s the thing, the math isn’t quite mathing if Love bombing is in the same room as malicious and tyrannical behavior. I get it – who in their right mind is going to be smitten over someone who showers them with affection and at the same time says, “Now I demand you to give all of yourself to me,”?
Hence why I included implied, because it’s more indirect, unspoken, suggested and intended. To be fair, we all imply things on others, friends included. For instance, when you call or text a friend that goes unanswered, our implication is that they will or should get back with you. Notice I didn’t specify when or how long it would take, yet we all typically have an implied expectation.
Now we have to add unlimited to the mix, and we all know in a general sense that means endless or boundless (without bounds). I’m doing my best not to trample on but also not to dance around the bush when I say that a friend who Love bombs will have unrealistic expectations when it comes to access (to you) with limited to no recognition or respect for space and boundaries.
A Love bomber, in the case of friendship, will make an example of your unlimited access to them. In their mind, that’s just what friends do, hence why they will also expect the same in return, even going as far as to weaponize friendship. For instance, emotionally chaotic friendships means you Love each other, if you share a bond then there’s no such thing as disrespectful behavior, there’s a sense of *anticipated*, first-tier entitlement to one another’s personal space, effort and time, or certain lines are allowed to be crossed because forgiveness is assumed.
The thing is, a friend may truly, truly want to be an intricate part of your life, and to be an involved friend, but they do so with little to no awareness, understanding and respect for space (distance, separation, boundary lines) and usually end up diving headfirst. Or, like the song, they come in like a wrecking ball. They operate according to their own standard with the tools they have, much less the tools they were given. And in the case of Love bombing in friendship, this behavior can come off seeming oppressive when that friend disguises themselves behind *good friend* behavior.
Unfortunately, I think for many, they prefer the wrecking ball over a low-maintenance friendship, and that’s where we may end up minimizing Love bombing behaviors as the preferred norm.
Massive amounts of attention and affection following disruption
Couples may do this, too, no? You know, the whole make-up after an argument sort of thing. So what’s the big deal? In the grand scheme of things if you experience ups and downs with a friend where, in conflict, it almost always follows with grand gestures, hyper-reactivity and vigilance, and/or an overload of culpability (self-blame) …the sustainability of that friendship is in question.
Again, with insecurity at its core, Love bombing with attention following conflict or as a resolution may be that friend’s way of dealing with the fear of potentially losing the friendship (abandonment). Either way, the behavior may be more overwhelming than it is flattering, and at some point it can feel like walking on eggshells with them.
I am guilty of being this person, where I find it difficult not to attribute a minor discrepancy or friction as friendship death. Having experienced situations of rejection in the past from surfacing hurt (bringing awareness to or expressing my feelings), it’s as if I look to, receive and internalize any setback as lethal. It’s been a tough and painful journey undoing this, and it certainly hasn’t been easy. Though I tend to react differently, through bouts of passive-aggressive withdrawal, Love bombing may look like behaviors of hyper-sensitivity in the face of fallout, conflict or sign of disruption in friendship.
Staking a claim on the friendship
If this speaks to you, then you know what I’m talking about here. Love bombing shouldn’t be mistaken as solely having to do with the showering of gifts, admiration and affection. If you were to actually unpack the two words separately, “Love” and “bomb”, you’ll notice one sounds dreamy and the other catastrophic. It’s called a Love bomb because it’s deceptive – sweet on the outside but grossly and unexpectedly sour or rotten in the middle. It’s unhealthy behaviors cloaked as seeming healthy, or *good*.
From the outside, this friend may just be protective of you – like as if they have your back in anything. You might even be convinced there’s a serious bond forming between you because this friend practically drops everything for you. Meanwhile, you also notice this friend only seems to want to hang out with you, not others, and this includes expressing a distaste of you having other friendships as well. Staking a claim on the friendship isn’t always pointblank behaviors of jealousy, but can be pretty subtle, too.
Lo and behold, this friend will Love bomb you out of jealousy and possessiveness. While this friend will talk you and your friendship up til the cows come home, they will slyly belittle your other friends when they don’t show up, they will elevate your friendship above others as if to paint your connection as the image of friendship and they will do and say things that quietly give off “You’re mine,” vibes.
Girls, especially, and the surface-level Best Friend facade are so guilty of exuding this point to a level that is considered Love bombing.
The *twinning* effect
For lack of better words, depending on who I’m speaking to, either you become that friend’s whole personality or that friend becomes your whole personality (identity). This really isn’t as uncommon as we think. And I don’t necessarily mean copying one another’s fashion and music taste like in grade school – though these aren’t totally ruled out. I’m talking about this friend, in most facets, revolves around you or you revolve around them.
Again, this isn’t outwardly a negative – I’d call myself cruel to think that – at the same time I can’t claim the behavior to be healthy, either. As someone who fairly easily chameleonized with friends – as to fit in and feel included – I only learned that to be accepted by others meant I was to conform myself to them.
If you haven’t gathered by now, I’ve called myself out now several times for being a Love bomber friend. Even if I don’t fit the entire bill in every point, I can’t deny that many of my learned behaviors played a role in Love bombing in friendship. I friend bombed by making sure certain individuals saw themselves in me, and therefore saw me as indispensable (or worthy as a friend).
On the outside, I cared about that friend, I liked them, and enjoyed their company…but at my core I often did what I thought I was supposed to in order for that friend to feel the same way, which was usually to abandon who I was for who I thought they wanted me to be. For instance, I would endure being uncomfortable for the sake of that friend (though I can’t say this equated to giving into peer pressure, because it wasn’t necessarily). Like I’ve said above, much of the internal damage here is likely on the Love bomber, though on the receiving end the other friend may simply find the whole twinning thing weird, annoying and immature.
For one thing, a friend bomber will be neutral in everything – “..whatever you want to do,“, “..I don’t care,“, “..I don’t mind,“, “..doesn’t matter to me,” kind of energy, all the time, as a way to avoid possible conflict, rejection, opposition and disconnection. Listen, I may not be directly but maybe I should be calling all Peacekeepers and Easy-Going gals out there on this one. I will be the one to stand up and shout it from the rooftops – there’s a negative extreme to this, too.
You’re being Love bombed if that friend’s individuality persistently and unequivocally mirrors your own, which includes whether or not they have and use their own voice. This may be the friend who always goes along with what you want to do, agrees with everything and anything you say or think, tolerates how you treat them no matter what (meaning, they allow their personal boundaries to be violated) and supports every little thing you do (even if that thing ultimately hurts you, them or at the expense of dishonoring their core values and beliefs).
At the end of the day, I don’t think Love bombing solely equates to master manipulators with malicious motives. I really do think Love bombing includes those with the genuine intention to Love…it just isn’t always coming from or resulting in a healthy place.