To get this out in the open, there is a wiiiiiiide spectrum as to what is considered healthy and unhealthy space in relationships. Yet we tend to focus more on too much or too little when it comes to space, not health.
Lean too far on either end of that spectrum and you risk relationship chaos!
When we’re comparing his need for so much space in order to hook up with someone else, to simply needing a day off from seeing you because [helloooo from a fellow introvert] an overload of human interaction can be physically and emotionally draining, it’s important to distinguish the difference.
I had guys lose their damn mind when I didn’t text them back right away.
Yet many outsiders would say I was being inconsiderate of his needs and that not texting him back right away is without excuse.
Personally I believe we have been slowly conditioned to instant gratification as our lifeline – always needing more, and more right now. That the idea of space, or needing space in relationships, is inconceivable and unhealthy. And thanks to technological advancement, we are not in a good place as far as healthy relationships are concerned.
I. need. my. space. I do not like to be encroached upon (though with some exception), therefore I am a firm believer in honoring personal space.
So naturally I tend to pull back more than I push in. This meant that whether I felt someone I dated needed too much space or gave me too little, I was one to pull back on my reins regardless.
Call me crazy but I quickly lost interest in guys who had no sense of space, and didn’t respect my need for it.
Not to be gender-specific here, or only to focus on one end of the spectrum, because I am well aware both are insanely guilty and lean heavily on either side when it comes to too much or too little space in relationships.
But for those who often fear his need for space as an inevitable doom to your love life, or you’re just afraid you’ll lose him, listen up.
No matter how much or how hard you love him, or how much space in the world you give him, he still has the choice to leave you. Remember that.
Besides, if you’re living in fear of losing him, this simply means you’re willing to tolerate less than you deserve in order to keep him in your life. Hence why out of fear, most tend to sway to the unhealthy approach of space by clinging on too tight.
What you really need to know is that healthy space makes for healthy relationships.
If you fear losing him, here’s why relationships need space
too much or too little space is subjective
Either way, space is a right. The same when it comes to privacy or choice. Take that away and you are left with control, which we all know is something very touchy when it comes to our relationships.
But because space is subjective, that in no way means everyone should tolerate either unhealthy extreme. You should not stay in a relationship with someone who can go days or weeks without speaking to you or someone who becomes irate if you are not in constant contact and/or within eye’s reach.
Therefore it is vital to find and establish that gray area between attachment and detachment – or smothering and neglecting – by setting personal boundaries and making them clear from the getgo.
For me, that meant if someone made me feel guilty or wrong for not responding back to their text or phone call at their earliest convenience – I was having none of that ish.
Your needs, in terms of space, will be different from someone else and likely your partner. This is an area in dating and relationships that is often ignored, which instead should be explored, understood, accepted and respected.
a relationship isn’t based on “all or nothing”
As new relationships would have it, when you are truly interested in someone it’s pretty natural to set aside other aspects of life. Obviously, you really enjoy one another’s company and you willfully choose to spend more of your time with that person and conversating seems to flow endlessly.
And in the beginning, you’re both totally cool – maybe even smitten – by that. Going more than two and a half minutes between texts would be a rarity, right? When things are going swimmingly, hey, no shame there.
But when can this become shameful, or harmful?
As that once new relationship settles in and inevitably comes down off that high, you start to re-implement those neglected areas back into your life piece by piece.
Like, oh crap, I have friends, a job, and a family – guess I should make sure those still have an appearance in my life.
This does often come across as sacrificing or focusing less on the attention of your partner, even if nothing actually drastically changes between you. One weekend your partner may slip on asking you on a date because he made plans with a friend, or you may start to slide on how often you respond to his texts while you’re at work (you may even go the entire day without speaking to him – *gasp*).
How atrocious! [sarcasm]
This is the moment most couples will feel off-balance. They will irrationally assume the relationship is failing or becoming uninteresting, but do we ever take one slight moment to realize that it isn’t space that creates this imbalance?
It’s actually the lack of space! Who knew?
the need for space is not an insult
Can I get a drumroll, please?
… the need for space does NOT mean he:
loves you less.
doesn’t want to be with you.
is tired of you.
doesn’t care about your needs.
is actively pursuing others.
DUN. DUN. DUNNN.
Look I’m not saying this is never the case, but if you know you have a good one on your hands then please let me reiterate that when he’s honoring his space he actually cares more about the relationship than you want to believe.
When he asks you for space, he is setting his personal boundary by being transparent and honest with you. Therefore he’s actually being vulnerable, and that’s a good thing!
Maybe he disappears randomly. Not ghosting, not breadcrumbing, but plain ole’ out of the ordinary decides to stray off the path of routine with you every now and then.
Again, this only applies if you’re with a good guy.
You know, maybe he doesn’t call or text you at a time he normally does. Or he gives you the implication that he is busy on a weekend you had no plans together by simply letting you know, “I’m with the guys tonight – call you tomorrow.”
Are these things really a crime? Are they especially worth compromising all the other good he and the relationship possess?
Ask yourself when and why this behavior has become abnormal, hurtful, worrisome or neglecting.
When it becomes malicious, spiteful and increasingly unmindful, yes, that is one extreme. But as difficult as it can be to fathom him wanting even a minute, day or weekend apart from you (and simply enjoying it), his need for space is not to oppress you, it’s self-care. And frankly, if that bothers you, it could also be a sign you need more of it, too.
Because when he takes care of himself, he can better care for you and the relationship.
honoring each other’s required space is an act of love and respect
While I was dating, more often than not I had to be outspoken when it came to my personal boundaries with space. I had to tell guys not once, twice but three times in one sitting that I wanted to leave or go home (from a date).
As much as in the moment it was simply that he was enjoying his time with me, setting my personal boundaries didn’t mean the feeling wasn’t mutual. But many didn’t take a liking to my importance of sleep (sometimes on a work night) over spending that extra hour together.
That’s. a. freaking. problem.
For me, that was downright disrespect and disregard for my feelings, and well-being. There came a point where this level of romanticism goes from cute, sweet and endearing to creepy, needy and straight insult toward my personal boundaries.
So, no, it wasn’t necessarily because I wasn’t enjoying myself or wasn’t interested. As an introvert, my space is my time to recharge, so when I run on empty… I’m empty, yo. Gotta go, sorry.
This didn’t mean I turn into a vampire at the stroke of every midnight, either.
Many have a difficult time understanding the importance of space on a basic, self-preserving level, let alone controlling their repulsion of not having things go their way. And unfortunately, some always will, which may make finding and maintaining a healthy relationship difficult for them.
The thing is space isn’t always for others, it’s for you. And when it’s not freely given, respected or is being robbed of you, well, what does that say about someone right off the bat?
There it is again…controlling. It’s antagonizing, to say the least.
I won’t deny there aren’t feelings of discomfort when someone isn’t accustomed to enduring space on one extreme level or the other, but if your relationship is solid you will be able to discuss this discomfort in order to find common ground to work with while honoring one another boundaries.
Honoring one another’s need for space, and allowing for space (even when it feels uncomfortable) is and will always be an act of love and respect. Because when you give your partner space, you are allowing them to do two very beautiful things that are paramount for every healthy relationship (read on).
without the balance of space, you risk the quality of your relationships
We alllll know too much space creates distance, and often uneasy feelings of unworthiness, disconnection, loneliness, detachment, mistrust and simply not being desired. Many long-distance relationships reap the consequences of too much space, but there are those who can distinguish distance from space, remain happy and are willing to make it work.
Yet you don’t hear too much success coming from the other side of the spectrum. With too little space, IMO, there are far more detrimental risks – such as distrust, control, disconnection, obsession, codependency, a loss of identity, individuality and personal freedom, as well as emotional, verbal and physical abuse.
Unfortunately many are easily triggered to either extreme, and each can bring out the worst in every individual and couple. That is why understanding the reason for that balance is super important when it comes to the quality of your relationship.
without space, you cannot grow and thrive
If you’ve ever gardened, then you know why instructions will always tell you to plant plants about 1 foot apart from others and to refrain from planting them too deep. Space is vital for survival.
That’s not to say plants don’t thrive on the existence of other surrounding plants – they most certainly do – but some plants can also deplete the moisture and nutrients of other plants that are incompatible, invasive or too close.
Alright, alright, enough about plants. But in similar ways, people can experience the same challenges. And if you’ve ever felt smothered, consumed or controlled, then you know the feeling of your space being invaded. As individuals, personal space allows us the opportunity to thrive and grow.
The same goes for our relationships. A relationship has zero chance of growth without space. Growth may not always be linear, but it is never depleting, controlling or toxic. And without growth in a relationship, it has zero chance of thriving.
At least not for very long.
