And I completely cut out dating from the bar scene. I’m not talking about your craft brewery down the street or a bar within a restaurant, but anything that requires you to pay a cover or the joint with all-night $1 shots that serves to minors next to Club Vici.
Why?
Honestly, my fast-track answer would have no point in writing this post in the first place. So I am going to go more in depth other than just saying, “It wasn’t my thing.“
There’s way more to it than that, and I think it’s time to shed more light on the reasons why as well as bringing awareness to these reasons.
First I want to start off by saying “to each their own” – the bar scene may work in a completely different way for someone else. Just like there are those completely appalled and against online dating (which is ultimately what worked for me in the end).
Everyone is entitled to their own personal beliefs and opinions, as well as the choices they make for themselves. This just so happens to be my raw perspective as to why I refused to meet someone at a bar or implement the bar scene in my dating life.
[Related Read: To The Single Woman Tired Of Dating (Sometimes The Princess Has To Save Herself)]
I’m not saying it isn’t possible to meet the love of your life in a bar, but throughout my period of dating I came across more times (through the grapevine) where this ended up doing more harm than any good.
It was a concept in dating that never sat well with me to begin with. And as far as the type of person that I am (more introverted, over-analytical and, well, anxiously cautious) – that alone is one of the biggest reasons why the bar scene was not the wisest dating option for me.
Whether you’re someone who is struggling and wondering if meeting someone at a bar is right for you, or you need the clarity (a perfectly good reason) to not implement the bar scene into your dating life, what I’m about to tell you is the brutal yet best decision I made for myself and my love life.
IMO, my negative stereotype was continually evident
We may never notice, but we all have dating stereotypes. From hair color, height, fashion choices to the kind of car they drive, their education or area of town they live in.
We’re told we should stop stereotyping in this way – or at all, for that matter. Although, I think this stereotype is within a fine, gray area. Not just a single type, but included all walks of life. I think more or less I was stereotyping a place, and the negative idea those created with it.
Needless to say, I had an ugly stigma dating anyone from a bar.
As terrible as that sounds, it didn’t matter who they were – the nicest, most generous man could have stepped foot in a bar – yet you could not convince me otherwise to give him the benefit of the doubt. But if I met him sober at the coffee shop four blocks down – totally different story.
Isn’t that nuts? It’s OK – you can think so.
This stereotype didn’t come from personal experience, and it didn’t need to. I never even dated anyone from a bar, yet I was conditioned to believing that they were the ones who sought out only one thing, or had less than ideal intentions the moment they set foot in a bar.
For lack of better words – I had zero trust in that anyone was actually looking for an honest relationship that way.
This is the same as those who feel online dating is just a cesspool of people looking to hookup. And you aren’t wrong there.
Being married to my husband, who deals with rape and assault reports on a daily basis (substantially from those having met someone at a bar, and being intoxicated in the process), I had more than enough reason not to trust the bar scene, or the people in it, without having to experience it first hand.
Sure, am I generalizing men? In a sense, yes, but I still couldn’t let go of my negative perception of meeting someone in a bar setting.
The last thing I wanted was to allow that negative generalization to consume my love life. So instead of contradicting my beliefs, I made the choice and commitment to cut out dating from the bar scene for that very reason. I’m not ashamed of it – I’m proud, in fact – and years later it’s still something to this day I still stand by.
IMO, alcohol is not a love potion whatsoever
I didn’t want alcohol to be the reason someone found me interesting, or liked me for one night. This works the other way around, too. Because if you drink then you know that it alters your perception of others, including yourself.
As the saying goes… people are either more or less interesting when they drink. So let’s be real and just admit for a second that alcohol either enlightens or darkens our true colors in some way – good and bad.
It can help the shy, quiet person come out of their shell, or the short-tempered, naturally ill-willed individual become violent. But the last thing that alcohol will do is make two people fall head over heels in love with one another.
If anything, it will make two people fall in love with a false perception of one another, or the lack there of perception of that person (meaning, when all sense of standards, quality and judgement go out the window).
I’m in no way saying you can’t have a drink to help lighten the mood or calm your nerves – its all in moderation, my friends.
But I’ve also heard the streamline of stories of, “Why he never called after that night”, “He’s ghosting me ever since that one night stand”, or “I thought he really liked me so I don’t know why his mind would change the next day”.
Alcohol, IMO, still stands as the culprit. And one good, fun night to test the waters with someone new doesn’t guarantee a meaningful, healthy relationship.
IMO, the idea made me feel nauseated
OK, I was there once – young, in my early twenties.
I wanted to look sexy, go out to the bar or club and just have fun. Did I do that at times merely for the attention? I’d be lying if I didn’t, so no shame there.
Did that mean I wanted it to go beyond just that? Nope, and there were times I had to make that crystal.
Did that make me a tease? [Haha] To some, probably.
By the time I was ready to date, or started looking for something serious – the idea of going to a bar to find someone just made me feel absolutely disgusting. Because if you were to read the first paragraph again, what did I sound like in that setting? Plus, if I were to think about the kind of people I attracted then, were those really who I wanted to attract in my love life?
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IMO, it’s not as easy as you may think
Unfortunately it’s the 21st century, so technology and the way of finding a mate has only become worse (by worse I mean having easier access).
Online dating was still relatively new at the time for me, but now it is as crazy as Black Friday year round. Peoples’ lives are consumed in swiping left and right, going on petty first dates and meeting people without actually giving them a decent chance before jumping to the next.
For those who might feel there are so little options, they take what they can get and manipulate themselves, and others, into making it work (which, as a witness of countless number of people who engage in dating this way, it never does).
Online dating now is far from what it was like years ago. To be honest, I’m embarrassed by what online dating has become. It is now far too easy, and disingenuous.
Yet still today the bar scene is and will always be known as this place of gathering – for meeting people. I don’t think that will ever go away. And since the bar scene is still known as a place of gathering, you’re likely to find just as many if not more more couples and groups of couples in a bar scene than singles.
Does this mean you could be scraping the bottom of the barrel? Maybe, but there are those who also say the same for online dating.
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if the bar scene wasn’t really my thing – why go looking there?
We are all told to explore beyond our comfort zones, or outside our normal boundaries in dating. That in order to find someone, or to allow someone to find you, you must be more open-minded in areas you wouldn’t normally.
So, if the bar scene was never really my thing to begin with – did that mean that’s where I should start looking?
No, absolutely not.
First of all, aside from a rebellious period of my teenage life where I thought I loved to party, by the time I reached the legal age limit to drink, partying was nothing but old news to me. As I peaked into my mid-twenties, my interests progressed elsewhere and I no longer felt the desire to go to bars and clubs altogether – eventually realizing I truly wanted someone in the same mindset.
That’s right, I wasn’t attracted to someone who felt the need to go downtown every weekend….for more ways than one.
So for obvious reasons, it only made sense to completely take out the bar scene from my dating life. The point is we need to be able to start being true to ourselves (in our dating lives), listening to our gut instincts, becoming aware of what is and isn’t working, and making choices for ourselves regardless of what society is doing or tells us to do.