On the surface, many would say my marriage is unequal, unethical, outdated and, well, oppressive. To some, I am the face of disgrace as to how far women have come. Those might perfectly describe me as that traditional, submissive wife, or 50’s housewife. I mean, that much is true – on the outside we fit the bill of some of the most frowned-upon stereotypes in modern relationships.
White, young, privileged, working-class couple; a husband who is fiscally responsible, an obvious right-wing (but in actuality more moderate) member of what many call “the patriarch”, and a police officer (yep, he’s the golden cream of the crop, which also means he fits in the box of a controlling, abusive cheater – oh, and a racist), and a wife that cooks, cleans and irons her husband’s underwear while offensively portraying a hectic life as a SAH dog-mom, who blows smoke up her own a** over a pyramid-scheme-type business (er, blogging, because THAT’S a hobby) in order to feel she has a purpose in her #tradwife life by overcompensating for her indeed oppressiveness.
[Exhales deeply]
That was sarcasm if you weren’t totally aware, yet this is the stereotype and box we’re shoved in, and I can imagine that is exactly what some people think by reading the cover.
But they’re actually dead wrong. My marriage is equal, and I am not oppressed by the “outdated” inequalities my marriage does have.
That’s because my marriage doesn’t fit the true definition of equality. If it did, everything would quite literally be split down the middle 50/50 regardless of fairness. Do you know what that sounds like?
Divorce.
50/50 in marriage equality – why I believe it’s impossible
Yep, I said it.
Divorce is when you wind up splitting your life efforts and expenses (regardless of who put in more or less) down the middle, which is determined by a random stranger who doesn’t give a rat’s a** about you, your marriage, and all the time, money, blood, sweat and tears that was put toward it.
Besides, equality also isn’t established out of selflessness. One spouse rarely goes, “You know what, babe, you work so hard and so many more hours than I (yet bring home less money), it’s unfair for you to pay half the rent.“
It’s egocentrically measured, like a loading bar, hence the 50/50 thing most couples believe in following. By barricading marriage to the constant, “Well I gave my 50% today while my partner did not, so I’m going to sit my happy a** on the couch, give him the stink eye and wait for him to catch up,” you are then focusing more on your partner’s efforts than your own, which means, in reality, you’re actually not giving 100%, er, I mean your half.
See how this can bring so much chaos to couples who live this way day in and day out?
To others I am an oppressed wife, but I see my marriage as equal in ways they don’t.
*Warning – brace yourself for a crazy-long post that particularly boasts about my husband and my marriage. Not for the faint-hearted…er, actually, maybe the opposite.*
Surprisingly enough, my husband values what I do as work, regardless of what I make. After I quit my full-time job (which hardly made a living wage on its own), it was clear to me that my husband cared more about my happiness than I did. He didn’t force or persuade me to quit my job, he simply wanted me to be happy doing what I enjoyed. There was never an ounce of, “You worked your ass off to get that college degree and you’re not even going to make use of it? What are you even doing with your life?“
At the time I thought money and career-experience mattered above all else. I had this idea that I needed to be successful career-wise to be seen as worthy or ‘wife material’. In my mind – though I could never admit it – I just really wanted to be a starving artist, you know, like one of those street vendors selling paintings, photography, or arts and crafts. It’s still a dream (*[2021 update] it IS my current dream come true!), which really puts the college degree I took 9 years to finish to shame – eh, happens.
But throughout young-adulthood, I had been drilled with this fear that if my life purpose wasn’t surrounded by an established, money-making career, I would end up being a purposeless loser with no real ambition or life credibility or experience as an adult. Talk about a social construct – a career literally defining me as a person let alone determining the quality of every aspect of my life.
I was left with this feeling that if I didn’t have a well-paying, stable job into my 30s (even if that meant one I hated), I didn’t belong in society, or worse: no one would see my value, other than that I bring ‘nothing’ to the table from the outside.
At the end of the day, my husband made it clear that quitting my job was exponentially worth coming home to a happier wife, a peaceful, well-taken care of home and a stronger relationship. And that I didn’t need to feel guilty doing something I love, even if it pays nothing.
Lucky for me – actually, no, it wasn’t luck – I sought after and married an opportunist, overtly exceptional man when it comes to my best interest and finance guru who established himself early in life (before I was ever in the picture). He had a long-term financial plan regardless of my job or income. This means, as we entered the thick of our relationship, our lifestyle and financial decisions together were solely based on his income (because he made significantly more than my full-time job). And no, the intent was not to patronize me and my capabilities as a woman.
I didn’t see this as a control factor but financial savviness since my parents were not the prime examples or role models of financial stability. I did grow up in a more traditional home, yes, with a mom who made the decision to be a homemaker and SAHM, so that did have some impact on my personal values in terms of marriage. But I also knew that I didn’t want to be in their financially-unstable boat. It’s a major reason my husband and I live comfortably within our means and remain debt-free, because of the choices we make together and individually. So this aspect never bothered me – having a husband assume the reins of the finances, and managing them – because I respected someone who prides himself in providing and protecting his family in that sense, the same my dad did. I really am blessed to have had that father-figure in my life growing up, while many don’t, and that breaks my utter-freaking-heart.
Nevertheless, even before quitting my job, I became triggered by the growing voices surrounding a woman’s independence – that it’s empowering, liberating and it defines strength in a woman today. Sure, I can resonate with that…but I only agree to a degree.
Here I am…essentially depending on a man. It felt unnatural at first, then I realized it was this image of who a woman was portrayed and encouraged to be today that did not serve me, and felt most unnatural to me. So it was actually my own shame for wanting something others are fighting to cancel. Or otherwise that I’m simply condoning, ignoring or pardoning (whatever you want to call it) the patriarchy. Needless to say I am considered exciled from the modern woman’s club if I fail to match even .1% of their ways.
So about 6 months into this ‘transition’ of working-from-home in starting my own business, those voices grew harsher, stronger, and louder (mostly coming from social media). I swear sometimes I convince myself all would go silent if I just deleted every social media account I have. But then what about MY voice – it matters, too!
I spent more time wallowing in those voices, being in my own head and began to have fear and doubt in myself and toward my husband. I was beside myself for the decision I made. It was really hard to separate my joy for what I was doing from ‘what if something happens between us – then I have no leg to stand on‘.
It was a scary feeling – having that level of trust and vulnerability with someone. Boy, but in pure, unfiltered light it really is something beautiful because, for me, the feeling really is true. I completely entrust in my husband, in all aspects of our marriage, and the scariest part is because I’ve always aspired that in a husband.
In the end it’s always been the harsh voices and pressure of social media that left me with the most skepticism, doubt, guilt and shame – not my gut feeling, desire or aspirations.
I am tired of thinking I need to feel less of a woman for depending on my husband, in any way, as if that makes me incapable or weak. Not to be confused with codependency, but I no longer want to cover up interdependence as this dirty, appalling and offensive word or way of life.
Sure, a lot of things changed when I quit my job. We spent many long nights talking about these changes, our roles, and fairness in that I was technically working from home. I started this blog and treat it like a business, which meant I am putting in the hours of work. But there was still a part of me that felt a little phony – like I was trying to use my self-given title as a way to avoid being portrayed as every aspect of a housewife. That’s how I knew I still had this feeling of shame, when the fact is I work from home, and I’m home while my husband is at work, which means I am the one more inclined to bear those responsibilities.
Yes, I do 99% of the cooking and cleaning – big whoop.
Are those duties bestowed upon me simply because I’m a woman? Nope.
I am his wife, not his mother. My husband picks up after himself.
My husband does his own laundry. He has a particular way he does certain things, as do I. Our duty isn’t to make each other the “same”.
I don’t remind him of things, like making dentist or doctor’s appointments, calling the repairman and things alike. He’s n ot a child that needs coddling, but of course, we go out of our own ways to do things for one another. Because as a spouse that’s just what you do.
And there are plenty of tasks we do primarily together when we can, like grocery shopping or meal planning. Does this mean he never helps me cook or clean? No, but not only do I have more time to do it, he prefers not to do it if he doesn’t have to. And let’s be real (sorry, babe), he’s not very good [adventurous] at it. Do I expect him to be like Gordon Ramsey? No. But at least he can make a PB&J in survival mode. And there are certainly things I don’t like doing, or aren’t as equipped/skilled in doing as he is – like scrubbing/shocking the pool, running the motor on the boat, fixing anything that’s broken, cleaning the gutters, filing our taxes, tending to the yard let alone touching the finances.
Yet I find that the more I show respect for all the things my husband does in our marriage, the more he wants to please me (meaning he offers to help me when he can).
But I primarily cook and clean because it’s what I enjoy – I get joy from cooking, making a meal my husband will love and I like the accomplishment of having a clean and tidy home. I mean, I am the one who spends more time in it, decorating it and making it into a “home”. Not only that, but I’m also significantly more proficient at these tasks [sorry, babe].
We could spend days going into the whole [teaching young boys that cooking and cleaning is a universal survival skill that shouldn’t solely be placed upon little girls to learn and be expected to do] – I’m all for that – yet I still think we dismiss two key points when it comes to interdependence or co-existing partners: skill AND preference.
If you haven’t guessed by now, yup, I’m a believer in gender roles and roles in marriage, period. They are meant to uphold structure, order, and uniformity. It’s a necessity we strive for in our everyday personal lives, and many rely on that form of government, so naturally this takes place in our relationships, too.
These roles were something my husband and I discussed fairly early in our relationship because in case you weren’t aware, we live in a world where many are trying to abolish them (along with more traditional roles) and push for sameness, or confusion for a 50/50 relationship. This means less innate chivalrous gentlemen and more guys feeding into the quick turnover of independent women by expecting to be equally courted.
And that’s a problem – couples aren’t discussing their ideal roles in partnership early on. They’re letting the chips fall as they may, then turning over and addressing each one as the relationship progresses…or implodes.
My husband learned how to cook, clean, and take care of himself before me – he knew how because he had to learn to do it for himself. Did he grow up with the expectation that someday a woman would do all that for him? Unlikely. I also didn’t grow up learning how to change a tire (even though I was shown how once, or twice), nor was I expected to do things like mowing the yard, fix the toilet, pressure wash the driveway, or help change the oil in the car. Though that’s not to say I haven’t – hand me a pressure washer and I would go to town. Did that mean I grew up expecting that a man would do these things for me in my adult life? Not exactly, but I’d be lying if I said that was completely false.
Unfortunately with so many luxuries that exist today, these are tasks that were once done manually we now pay someone else to do – like pool and yard service, meal subscriptions, Uber laundry services, Insta Cart (you literally don’t have to step inside a grocery store anymore), home repairs, and those alike especially if you live in an all-inclusive rental or have HOA. You could technically pay for in-home cleaning services since we’re already all about paying others to make our lives easier.
Let’s be real, big or small, my husband takes care of the things I want nothing to do with.
And he probably feels like a superhero for it.
Could there be a difference between having to learn to do something and the compelled interest in doing it? I’d certainly think so. Granted, we’re all going to have to do things in life we don’t want to do – am I right? With that in mind, I would like to think I was given the choice between what household “chores” I preferred doing when I was growing up. I know I hated vacuuming and mopping when I was young (because I’d experience the dread almost every other day), so I was keener on doing chores that consisted of being outside. I would have preferred to pick weeds or prune the bushes, but then we’d go into how those sort of chores doesn’t get done that often.
Now it is the total opposite! Curb appeal and pool maintenance just isn’t my ideal cup of tea, even if that’s once a week. If I had to, I would, but I prefer not to. So guess who has willingly taken on that burden for me because he wants to please me, has more of the interest in doing it, and is simply better at it?
I get it, not everyone has to tend to a yard or pool, or shovel snow and scrape ice off car windshields on a daily basis. Like I said, there are services that take care of a lot of that burden these days, and some of these tasks aren’t expected to get done on a daily basis, like dishes and cooking, so it’s incredibly easy to view equality falling short. I once thought that, too. But I actually took the time to really see all that my husband does for me and our marriage as not exactly equating a split 50/50…. but as a relieving of burden on one another. Again, because I believe that 50/50 couples strive so hard for is unattainable – someone is always bound to be taking on or doing more.
What still remains true is that men and women (okkkk, people, individually) have different strengths that are meant to work complementary with one another, but we always seem to avoid admitting that and would rather believe we can each do it all while having it all…whatever that means. It’s as if there’s no such thing as individual preference for the tasks we actually want to do, and naturally avoid doing tasks that are less appealing.
I rarely take out the trash or recycling – not appealing to me – so my husband took on that responsibility pretty early on. He gives himself a parade every Tuesday and Friday (jokingly) for doing it. He’s also the one fixing something that breaks, researching How-To on YouTube or being the one to call in the repairman. Most would call these tasks petty and insignificant (again, because they aren’t considered a regular chore). REGARDLESS of the fact I would have to do these tasks anyway, without him, they’re tasks I would prefer not to do. And REGARDLESS of these tasks being expected of to anyone as a part of life, they’re still important [small] tasks that must get done nonetheless.
We ignore and fail to give credit to certain tasks or duties simply because we’re so focused on what we do and what we want to avoid being EXPECTED to do versus what our spouse actually does. Even just the mental load or our ability to multi-task is enough to claim marriage as unequal. But I believe men have their own version of the mental load, too, and we shouldn’t dismiss that as irrelevant. My husband carries the mental load of providing, pertaining to our financial stability and future. And I try to do the best I can to ensure that he isn’t to carry that load alone. But if couples are always comparing who carries more of the mental load, unfortunately, the person who believes they carry more will always believe that to be true.
This is where couples will focus so much on measuring what is exactly 50/50, and keeping that a constant. And that’s just it, equality doesn’t exist because you can always find some way to conclude one another’s efforts being unequal, not enough, lesser, insignificant or irrelevant. To you, loading and unloading the dishwasher is not as ‘important‘ (or fair in effort) as say, sweeping the floors everday. As for example, you may rotate doing the dishes – you do them one night, your spouse the next. Your spouse may only wind up washing two whole dishes that day, while you did ten. Now the workload isn’t equal, so you insist he takes on the next day’s dishes to even out the playing field.
You see how that can get real freaking old, and cause unnecessary distress?
Equality goes beyond splitting everything 50/50, or not being expected of doing certain things simply because I’m a woman.
Equality is actually viewed more selfishly – it literally serves to benefit ourselves, not for our partner. Hence why many can’t seem to constitute equality when it comes to the spouse who works 40 hour weeks (8-5 Monday-Friday) over the other who works 60+ hours a week, 13 hour days and maybe has more than two days off in a row. There’s also more power and control with equality in terms of splitting the efforts of a relationship 50/50 because many don’t want their strengths to have any influence.
Meaning, for example, if I’m great at cooking I don’t want that strength to be assumed that I would fully take on that responsibility. That makes me feel less in control. If we constantly label everything we do or don’t do as a way of our partner trying to control us, how will we ever know what it’s like to be happy and grateful for our spouse? Besides, the fact is I am better at cooking, and it isn’t my job to make my husband a better cook or cook things as ‘equally’-elaborate as I do so that the workload is ‘split evenly’.
In my mind, when gender roles (or establishing any roles, PERIOD) are opposed while failing to realize that 50/50 never truly exists, partnership then becomes this ugly tally system. Keeping score of my husband’s efforts on an everyday basis just seems tiresome. Is it really even marriage at that point, or strictly business?
True equality begins when you eliminate expectations.
We all have expectations for the way we want to be treated, as we do for what and how certain things are done. If you’re one who wishes your spouse would pick up the slack or do more around the house, then there’s the off chance you’ve either 1. failed to appreciate when your spouse does help (because tHeY jUsT dOn’T dEsErVe It) or 2. criticized your spouse when they do help, such as for not picking up the rugs when they vacuumed.
I’ll bet there have been times you do the job twice over because their efforts didn’t meet your standards, which makes you resentful. Your partner sees this, and now believes there’s “no point in trying to help because what they do is never ‘good enough’.“
I still catch myself doing ALL of those things – I’ll admit it.
At that point, you run the show and manage the way certain things get done, which means you are taking leadership of that role and it is no longer a team effort, sorry. So let’s say you help out your spouse by washing the car, and he criticizes you for not drying it properly because now the car is left with dried water spots. Now he resentfully washes the car twice over without your help, making you feel useless and unappreciated. What incentive do you have to want to help again?
Maybe you’re someone who constantly reminds your spouse of things, like taking out the trash, scheduling his physical, dentist appointment or that the insurance needs to be renewed. You feel this is something you are enforced to do because, well, he just doesn’t seem to get these things done in a timely manner. Or he forgets entirely.
Now you’ve become his mother, not his wife. You’ve also confused yourself with being his personal secretary in hopes he will start to care about his responsibilities in the same manner as you – oops. By doing this you are trying to avoid disappointment when really you’re just enabling his behavior and left feeling like he doesn’t care enough about the marriage. Because if he cared, he’d remember without you having to ask, right?
Like you, he’s an adult. He is perfectly capable of handling the consequences of his actions or delayed, unmet responsibilities.
If you want any sense of equality in your marriage, you have to:
- stop mothering, criticizing and micro-managing.
- show appreciation for his efforts, big or small.
- be open to establishing roles, not pertaining to gender.
- be willing to do the tasks your partner does that are less appealing.
- be okay with the fact that sharing tasks won’t always have an equal workload (like the dishes example above).
- trust in that your spouse is capable, without your interference (basically allow him to learn from his own mistakes and consequences of his actions, or lack there of).
My husband is not me, and I am not him. We are not mirrored identicals of one another, so why should I expect our efforts to be the same? That means the way he does things won’t be the same as the way I do things – period. It doesn’t make him wrong and me right. So if I preferred my husband to help and take initiative to cook and clean more… well, I’d have to start accepting boxed mac-n-cheese being served and the floors not immaculately swept. No more micro-managing, and that’s something I was taught to do from a young age. That when I felt something wasn’t done to my liking or expectation, I had the ability to wrong someone and correct the problem to fit my standards.
In this 50/50 equality narrative it sure as F* can’t work like that.
That is the hypocrisy of equality. It’s essentially implying your spouse is not enough, what they do is not enough, and that they are incapable. There’s no positive outcome by trying to appreciate and criticize your spouse at the same time. It’s like jumping into water without getting wet – impossible.
Marriage will be naturally equal on the outside if there is a healthy balance of internal equalities
Again, my marriage is far more equal than the focus of external responsibilities like taking out of the trash. If couples seem to be struggling with surface layer “equality”, it really does prompt me to take a deeper look on the inside. A successful relationship is not solely dependent on superficial coexistence, but how two people coexist on a deeper, emotional level.
Equality is not sameness, period.
Men and women are not the same, and we are not meant to be. Don’t bother failing to prove me wrong.
Again, my husband is not me and I am not him. We are not the same – we do not see, speak, breathe, think, feel or believe exactly the same way. This means our perspectives are entirely different. We are two very different individuals who are meant to complement one another based on those various differences.
People tend to focus on relationship success in similarities or the things they think they can benefit from or change in the other. Hence why many look for a partner solely based on those similarities or are left heartbroken by someone they shared many similar qualities with.
For a long time, I beat myself up for not being more affectionate or talkative. As a woman, that is a more natural quality and generalized stereotype. But I’m just not, and I thought that would hurt my chances of finding a partner and ultimately being with a husband who is more extroverted and affectionate than me. So I was a bit taken back at the thought of feeling like I had to match or level up to someone else in order to be deserving of a high-quality relationship.
When the truth is we can all freaking do better. We can all improve upon ourselves in some way. The thought that to be equal to my spouse was to be the same didn’t last very long, because that would mean dissolving the very truth of who I am as a person.
Therefore I believe marriage success will never thrive off sameness or expecting your partner to be just like you.
We focus on making decisions together in the best interest of our marriage.
And we can do that while also respecting one another’s decisions. Do I consult my husband with 100% of the decisions I make – like what to make for dinner?
Um, no. If I cook, he will eat what I make him. And his appreciation is pretty blatant. But I’m not that snotty – I still consider myself the wife that takes into consideration what he likes and what he can’t necessarily eat in his diet. It gives me that sense of pride and accomplishment to make him feel worthy of a good, homecooked meal.
And I do this with most other aspects of the decisions I make – having my husband’s best interest always comes first, no matter what. But that doesn’t mean I never make decisions solely for myself and my needs, wants and desires. Oh, there it is, that word – independence. Yep, I still have it.
When you respect one another’s decisions with the focus of making decisions together, you are equally prioritizing the quality of the marriage that equally benefits both spouses.
Compromise is often still viewed as a split 50/50 – each person wins in some way – when that is furthest from the truth.
True compromise is altruistic. And it is almost never equal.
It means coming to terms with not. winning. You won’t have it your way each and every time. It just won’t make sense for both partners to get a little, yet equal, piece of the pie in every circumstance or outcome.
I often think of the question being asked, “And what do I get out of this?” That’s usually the focus.
There’s compromise, and then there’s letting sh*t go but slowly building resentment toward your spouse for letting sh*t go, so you hold onto the expectation for the next opportunity to have your way. True compromise doesn’t keep tabs on one another, nor does it have conditions. It’s still about having both side’s best interests, and the best interest of the marriage first. Don’t let the toxic extreme destroy your intimacy.
Avoid money problems with the shared mindset, “We are in this together.. for the long haul.”
Whether you have separate or joint accounts, both spouses work or one is the breadwinner or your salaries are drastically different, it doesn’t matter, you are both in the financial game together. You didn’t get married to avoid ever depending on one another or helping build on each other, so why should it be treated that way with money?
Sure, there are mostly external qualities when it comes to money, like materialism (lifestyle choices), who pays for what, salary comparisons, separate or joint accounts and one or two-person household incomes. But there are internal qualities within that, when disturbed, dismissed or nonexistent, can create further turmoil for couples.
The number one aspect that controls the quality of a business? Money.
The number one aspect that seems to control the quality of many relationships? Why is it still somehow money???
That keyword – control. It’s not easy for couples to see eye-to-eye, let alone focus on the financial long haul in ‘togetherness’. Some literally cannot fathom the idea of their money being part of what facets the promise of stability 15, 20, 50 years down the road with a partner. There’s a deeper commitment in that than it seems. This is why many couples keep money entirely separate – it focuses more on self-responsibility and less on dependency, or worst-case-scenario possibilities. And granted this works for some – kudos.
The problem is there is an undeniable amount of emotional loss in that. There’s a deeper level of trust, commitment, and dependability missing that couples who are on the same financial team gain.
And that’s just… sad.
Therefore many are simply not wanting or willing to give up that control. They don’t want to alter, compromise or sacrifice in the name of financial security for the long-haul. This may mean changing certain lifestyle choices, cutting back on spending (instead of seeing it as controlling when your spouse asks you to “stop buying shoes with money you don’t have”), learning the importance of saving for the future and making financial goals and decisions that are in the best interest of the marriage, not for the self.
I got married. That means it’s our money, regardless if I was working, making the most money, splitting the bills or had separate accounts and financial goals.
[mailerlite_form form_id=23]No one is, in any way, shape or form, above or below the other
But our ego sure as f* likes to pretend that is the case, doesn’t it? Media is driven off more and more women climbing the corporate ladder (and that’s freaking cool, don’t get me wrong) as fewer women who stay home not only slip into the shadows but in the negative spotlight. Sure, working women aren’t having it easy, but it’s somehow as if the women who choose not to work, raise kids, and tend to the home need to feel scrutinized, too.
Personally, a well-respected, deserving CEO – even simply the hardest-working employee – of a billion-dollar company holds THE SAME value as a stay-at-home wife and mom. Both jobs are incredibly empowering, liberating, laborious, purposeful, AND hold vital importance. So if you’re the CEO of a billion dollar company? You’re worthy. Just an average-joe, hard-working employee who loves their job? Yup, worthy. A home-maker or stay-at-home mom? Still f*cking worthy.
The same value applies to each spouse because the ego has absolutely zero business being in a marriage. Though unrealistic, it can greatly determine and impact the quality of marriage and the ability for couples to connect and stay connected. Personal strengths, weaknesses, successes, and failures aside, neither partner is above or below the other, but along-side one another in order to build each other up respectively and honorably.
And that, my friends, is each spouse’s number one achievable duty to uphold in marriage…not 50/50.