You went on a date, maybe it’s the first, third, tenth or more, and you’re wondering if you’re being left hung to dry? In more blatant terms, are you being ghosted after a date? And how can you know exactly?
If you know me, you know that I don’t throw around the term ghosting lightly, especially in the early stages of dating. In fact, oftentimes they’re not ghosting you at all. But I simply believe ghosting gets overused, and that its primary application was to highlight ghosting behavior in mutually invested, committed relationships.
Does that mean someone can’t be ghosted from someone they’re just dating? Of course, its possible, but ghosting in dating is out of disinterest. Ghosting in mutually invested, committed relationships is abandonment. When someone is truly ghosted they had zero inclination of disinterest, discontentment, unfulfillment, or calamity (from their partner or in the relationship). Either way, ghosting is a way for people to avoid accountability involving another person.
Yet I find more and more people are hyper-fixating on the word in the dating realm, where it is constantly being redefined and misunderstood. People have become obsessed with the behavior (a behavior that has long existed) by constantly trying to avoid and even read into it. The fact is, ghosting isn’t super easy to predict since it is technically a calculated ceasing without previous awareness, sign or explanation. I would argue it’s also not exactly possible to prevent, either. And, frankly, there’s nothing more to read into other than what the behavior means: impassivity.
With that being said, it’s important to take into account that the points addressed in this post are speculation and based not on whether you will be ghosted but if you are or have been. So let’s talk about it – how can you tell, by what signs or red flags, if you’re being ghosted after a date?
How to tell if you’re being ghosted after a date
For starters, you simply won’t hear from them
We’re all in the same understanding boat on this one, right, I hope? If someone’s ghosting you, you won’t hear [back] from them – period. This doesn’t include the in and out response-type, going MIA every three days dynamic. That’s not ghosting.
Now I know it’s never always that simple since each person is different as far as communication goes, but this is numero uno for a reason and I’m not about to leave you hanging with these first two points because I know full and well you’ve heard them time and time again.
Secondly, you simply won’t be able to find them
At least not easily. If you’ve gone on a date, haven’t heard from them, and are now wondering if they’ve ghosted you…the second nail in the coffin is that they have quite literally disappeared. Meaning, unless you stalk them at their place (please don’t), they are unreachable and they do not want to be found.
They have either blocked your number, blocked you on their socials or have made themselves untraceable to you on their devices and the interwebs.
I find that this isn’t as often the case, which encourages people to continue attempts at making contact. Or, at the very least, to plead their unnecessary case.
Thirdly, all the hints prior point to disinterest
Like I’ve said before, ghosting in dating is simply disinterest. We forget that dating is the non-committal, zero strings, low to no investment, contract-free, go-with-the-flow sector apart from exclusivity (relationships). The people wanted dating for convenience, and unfortunately that’s exactly what we got (including the inconvenient parts we didn’t read in the fine print). Dating made it a lot easier to say, “Nah, not interested anymore, and because we’re just dating and I don’t owe them anything they’ll take the hint when I just stop calling.“
So now, dating culture today whole-heartedly believes its called ghosting when they don’t call back after a first date. What would typically be called Breadcrumbing or the Slow Fade approach to rejection, letting a person down, or hoping they “take the hint” (of disinterest), these are replaced with Ghosting. Whether or not people are as discerning of disinterest or not as accepting to passive rejection, they still want to claim ghosting even when someone has given them enough indication that they were Outty5000.
So if you think the person you went out on a date with is ghosting you, you’re reflecting on this very question for a reason and that usually means there are clear signs prior to a disappearing act.
Their words and actions don’t match up
They tell you one thing then do another. They will have you to believe everything’s fine or all is well one moment when its not. This is merely impossible to predict because in circumstances of ghosting where there were no previous signs the behavior can make people feel utterly blindsided.
So if you want to really know if you’re being ghosted after a date, their walk won’t support their talk. For example, they told you they would call you the next day but didn’t follow through. Or they told you they had a great time on the date and *hope* to do it again soon, yet their radio silence the following days says otherwise.
There are sharp and abrupt inconsistencies in their behavior or character
I use the word sharp and abrupt because they’re impactful and seemingly out of character or norm. The problem is this requires actually knowing the person over the course of some time, otherwise you’re heavily relying on evidential treatment or first impression. For example, if you’ve been dating someone for a few months who always talks very sweetly to you and then out of nowhere changes their language in a way that is degrading or disrespectful, that would be considered a sharp, abrupt inconsistency.
The bottom-line is when someone is not or no longer interested, and plans on ghosting you, they will either continue or drop the act but eventually who they really are will inevitably pop up through the cracks.
Take note of any changes in their behavior that give you negative physical sensations, like the feeling of disgust, anxiety, uncertainty or dread (a heavy, sinking pit in your stomach). Those signs are almost always trying to tell you something that your lovey-dovey, surface-level feelings for the person shouldn’t dictate.
They’ll have a playbook of excuses
Excuses for why they’re late, why they have to cut the date short, why they haven’t asked you out again, why they’re too busy for you but not their friends, why they only seem to text at odd hours and infrequently, or why they reach out off and on while avoiding initiating plans to get together.
All the excuses, one after the other. Now, sure, incessantly isn’t always the case. For example, if you’ve been on three dates with someone and weeks have gone by to no avail and they say “work has been crazy”…his reasoning might be legit but his excuse is that you are not worth factoring into his time and priorities. To put it plainly, most excuses (even if they’re valid) spell disinterest from the rear and usually spell themselves out rather quickly and clearly.
They lose that *spark*
I think men and women can both resonate with this. There’s that initial glimmer, or spark, when a potential connection is made. This spark usually manifests in their behavior and how they speak to you. You know, they’ll say things like, “Hey babe, how are you today? *kissy-face emoji*”
Oftentimes people can tell when the other person loses that spark, and people usually know without a doubt when their spark is out and unrevivable. Unfortunately, a lack of chemistry or disinterest is like water on hot coals, and the vapor it produces is more evident than we care to admit.
So when the usual, “Good morning, Beautiful,” turns into, “Hey,” and stays that way, the feelers ought to be going off at that point. Granted, that is such a hair-fine example (and the loud ones usually are) when there are countless others, the point here is to take note as to whether they engage with you like a romantic interest or if you’re just another friend or colleague.
The motivation and effort fizzles
Two key words here that both apply in unison, so remember that! After being married for almost 10 years and together-together for 12 years, I’d be lying through my teeth if I said we didn’t go through periods of fizzling, even in the 2 years we weren’t married.
BUT, I will say, fizzling is different when you’re dating and should have nothing to do with motivation and effort. Again, I repeat, you shouldn’t be experiencing unmotivation and a lack of effort in the early stages of dating. When I say fizzling is different, that might mean taking mutual steps to slow the pace a bit as to avoid a burn out, or to accommodate effort in other ways, say, if someone has to travel for work for a few weeks.
If you’re worried about whether or not you’re being ghosted, you will know if motivation and effort comes to an absolute screeching halt. There’s no hiding it because it’s one sided and there will be no constructive consideration for building or strengthening a connection.
- They no longer seem to anticipate getting together or planning a date – they wait until the last minute or randomly to find time to get together, or mustering up the time in advanced is treated like a chore.
- The time in between you’re together gets unnecessarily longer and dragged on – there’s simply less excitement and anticipation to get your next date in the books, and other “things” tend to be at the forefront of any free time or making time together.
- You truly start to wonder if they even think about you when you’re not together – they seem to “miss” you less because they’re attitude shows you they’re content not seeing you or planning to see you.
- They seem unbothered by other *priorities* taking up or getting in the way of your time together – they’ve adapted to interruptions or have allowed them to supersede your time together (i.e., constantly replying to texts or talking to people on the phone during your date)
Talk to me! Do you feel like someone might be ghosting you? Or have you ever experienced the true definition of ghosting?