Fear not – How to talk about money in relationships

This is relationship and marriage edition of how to talk about money with your partner/spouse. In another post I unpack having The Money Talk while dating. I made two separate posts and created two workbooks pertaining to the finances in dating and relationships because the information provided in each are entirely different.

If you’re not in a relationship with the person you’re seeing, or you’re newly dating someone, you would be better served reading the dating edition post on this topic.

Now then! You’re here because you want to know more on how to talk about money in your relationship – this is for married couples, too. I’ve said it and I’ll say it again, hopefully the money topic has surfaced at some point, and preferably before making a commitment.

If not, insufficiently or ineffectively, I highly encourage you to consider this read (I’m sorry, it’s a long one) with an open mind. Money is a big deal, the finances in relationships are a huge deal, so the topic isn’t something to take lightly. BUT, since money is one, big, scary and sensitive topic for many couples…it is one to tread lightly.

Though, honestly, it isn’t something to fear the more comfortable we are discussing it. Besides, money isn’t everything, and no one should let money become the be all end all.

That being said, I also highly recommend you snag my printable workbook on How to Talk About Money – it contains more insight and critical exercises that help bridge the gap money can often create in relationships.

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How to talk about money in relationships

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Be open to discussing discomfort surrounding money in relationships

Everyone is bound to have experienced some level of discomfort in relationships pertaining to money – big or small. This discomfort may not have left residual scarring or bear little to no weight on your ability to form healthy relationships, but we can certainly carry discomfort in how we treat the finances in relationships or even within our personal relationship with money (which still has an impact on relationships).

Let’s not forget, culture can also be an influence – through our social circles, popular trends, upbringing (our parents), social media, etc. etc.. So when the content we follow or the relatable experiences of others we surround ourselves with are touting certain narratives, belief systems, opinions (or even the abolishment [canceling] of them), we’re likely to conform or be easily swayed.

My husband and I did not personally experience seriously negative financial discomfort in previous relationships, but we still carried and formulated certain defaults, beliefs and assumptions surrounding money from our parents and generational upbringing. We have many similarities but also distinguishable differences. It was important for us to discuss these things, bring them to light or out in the open, as difficult as parts of doing so was.

When couples struggle to or refuse to openly discuss their level of discomfort or negative experiences surrounding money, partnership can become strained. It’s not necessarily about differing financial goals or combative spending lifestyles, it’s the fact couples no longer want to talk about it in order to achieve or maintain a common goal.

Hence why many refer to money as being taboo (in dating and relationships). Money and the finances in relationships has become almost untouchable, where couples are confusing dissolution in the relationship with harmony.

What, specifically, makes money so taboo (uncomfortable)? I boiled it down to these six major triggers with real-life, relatable examples. This is meant to help you and your partner dig out what may be your personal triggers, and to discuss openly.

*Note: keep in mind you may may not resonate with all of these examples, or parts of them.

Judgment

• Judgment surrounding money is more often comparison, criticism, condemnation, blame, disapproval, envy and jealousy over common sense, reasoning and knowledge [wisdom].
• I.e., You’re judged (criticized, looked down upon) by how much money you make and what you can afford; your partner may have made comments referencing…[why you only buy them the *cheap* flowers].
• I.e., You’re condemned (ridiculed, shamed) by your spending lifestyle, whether it be modest or lavish; your partner may have called you high maintenance for prioritizing self-care necessities (hair, nails, makeup, skincare) even if they are expenses you can afford.
• I.e., You were mocked or insulted when others find out you “come from money”; your partner often resorted to comments about “daddy’s money”, “having things handed to you” or being privileged.
• I.e., You were blamed or disapproved of when others find out you couldn’t afford college, had to work right out of high school, and are scraping by to make ends meet; your partner may have always pointed the finger of fault towards you as the reason for any money problems.
• I.e., Your partner made comments about what you do for a living, about getting a *better* job or *moving up* in your career….even though you love what you do, and are capable and able to provide for yourself.
• I.e., Your partner always pointed out your *missed* potential [in how much money you could be making, how you could be utilizing your skills to maximize financial return].
  These are sneaky, since this may be a partner trying to “build you up” while also instilling that your value is dependent on the money you make and your financial contribution in life.

*Entitlement

*Entitlement, superiority and control/power do share similarities but I’m particularly pointing out their subtle differences in these sections.

• Entitlement is having the “what’s yours is mine” and/or “what’s mine is mine” mentality in a self-deserving and self-righteous manner.
• I.e., Your partner felt entitled to your money (and even took advantage) without respect or regard for what you can afford.
• I.e., You felt entitled to your partner’s money in times of your own financial trouble, particularly without regard for your partner’s financial standing.
  For instance, you didn’t have enough money to pay your phone bill and you expected/anticipated your partner to fit the bill without considering whether or not they could (this is instead of having a mature conversation about your predicament in advanced, and asking your partner rather than assuming).
• I.e., You base your worth and value on what and how much your partner spends on you, in turn creating the idea, “if they Love me they’ll [take me here, buy me this, spend this much]” and a sense of entitlement (having a say or influence) over your partner’s financial investment in the relationship.
  This can be subtly overlooked, such as having unrealistic expectations of how much money your partner should spend taking you out to dinner.
• I.e., Your partner assumed access to and management of your personal financial logistics [your bank accounts, spending activity, income, etc.] in the name of financial transparency while denying you the same transparency (of their financials).
  Many times this simply looks like, “Hey, I need $50. Thanks. Oh, you need money from me? No, you can’t have my money – it’s mine.”.

*Superiority

• Superiority says “I’m better than you” and elevates one’s self above or against the other (their partner). Superiority and inferiority work hand in hand when [financial] power struggles between couples are present. Since the corporate ladder is a hierarchal structure, couples can often slip this same structure in their relationship.
• I.e., Your partner made significantly more money than you and consistently made you feel that your financial contribution (whether you worked or tended to the home) was “worthless” or less valuable.
• I.e., Because you have the degree, the stable career, manage your finances and spending [better], you assume your partner has less intellectual capability, that they should have no say in the financial decision-making, and cannot be fully entrusted with money – in turn deeming your partner to be financially incompetent and you their “watch-dog”.
• I.e., Your partner who works more hours and made more money assumed you responsible, by default, for more of the workload at home.
  This can be tricky because the superiority [mentality] is without a fair, reasonable approach in mind – it comes off as one being more deserving of less household responsibility. It can sound like, “Housework and those responsibilities are *beneath me*,”, and ultimately deem themselves higher on the hierarchal totem pole.

*Control/Power

• Control/Power says “[I make the rules, You will do as I say/ask *or else*]”. The other side to control/power says “[I do what I want, I don’t have to consider, abide by or respect you],” where someone blatantly shows no regard for their partner, and the consequences of their actions bear no weight. Control/Power in money is designed to create fear, submission, *powerlessness* and inferiority in individuals which is considered financial abuse.
• I.e., Your partner frequently told you what you could and couldn’t spend [your] money on, while spending their money on whatever they wanted.
• I.e., You often spent money excessively and/or unreasonably outside the requested parameters without regard or respect; the power/control aspect here is someone who continues to disrespect their partner by rebelling against what was asked of them.
  An easy example here is simply draining your partner’s bank account on purchases without their knowledge, consultation or against their wishes, continuing to spend money needlessly in the midst of financial issues, or maxing out credit cards when they’ve stated a boundary with you.
• I.e., Your partner gave you a strict budget [allowance] on how much money you could spend and/or what you could spend money on; I’m not implicating that I am against an allowance, the key here is that this level of control is not mutual (agreed upon), fair or reasonable.
• I.e., Your partner often held money above your head as a way to threaten your livelihood, safety, security or standing in the relationship.
• I.e., Your partner never considered or consulted you regarding mutual financial goal(s) or agreement(s) made between you.
  They followed the, “I do what I want [regardless or whether it affects you/us or not]”. Your partner knowingly made expensive purchases, racked up credit card debt, or made certain financial decisions/changes without your knowledge, consent or consideration.

Division

• Money is often used as or can become a driving wedge between couples due to unresolved differences, lack or failure of communication, loss of connection, combative behaviors, and an enemy mentality.
• I.e., Money problems in your relationship often resulted in you and/or your partner becoming “every man for himself”, which created an ever-growing gap in disconnect and failure in having/maintaining mutual financial goals (as well as trust and honesty).
• I.e., Financial differences or one-sided compromise always seemed to result in frequent discord (fighting, arguments) as well as combative behaviors, like Tit-For-Tat, defiance and vengeance/retaliation.
• I.e., Your partner had very rigid boundaries pertaining to money (maybe they were deceitful or secretive) and the more you tried to push for financial transparency or to conjoin [financial] forces the more your partner withdrew and resorted to secrecy/deceit.
• I.e., You have fairly unreasonably loose or lenient boundaries when it came to the finances; for example, in the midst of financial strain, your friend wanted money to which you gave willingly without considering your partner’s feelings on the matter (who may be taking extra financial measures to stay afloat).
• I.e., Your partner was heavily focused on saving money for the future, while you were more focused on making money for the present (now); even your differences in how you save or invest can create division when there’s no common or middle ground.
• I.e., You have a much more lavish [expensive] lifestyle or a lifestyle with more personal necessities while your partner did not; a simple scenario is your partner likes to spend more money going out and partying while you do not, and this causes you resentment because you feel their spending choices reflect their level of respect for the financial standing of the relationship.
  If lifestyle and spending differences are not mutually respect, accepted and managed, this can cause divisiveness between couples’ financial goals short and long-term.

Consumerism/Addiction

• Addition to money, or consumerism, says “money buys happiness” but also that no matter how much money we have we will never have enough (or be fully satisfied) so we’re deceived into the never-ending cycle of more money means more spending to consume which results in more happiness. There is also the opposite extreme to the addiction to money that says “there is never enough so we must conserve” – we often refer to these individuals and behaviors as being “cheap”, stingy or financial hoarding.
• I.e., You or your partner struggled with spending money you/they didn’t have; these individuals may have experienced the consequence of living paycheck to paycheck, battled with accumulating credit card debt, or felt a sense of hopelessness surrounding never being truly “happy” monetarily.
• I.e., You or your partner were excessively frugal, in an unhealthy manner – often resulting in not getting the things you actually need that may have negatively contributed to overall health and well-being.
• I.e., Your partner often badgered you about making more money in order to fulfill their materialistic desires [elaborate dates, expensive car, big house, trendy vacations, weekly shopping binges, etc.].
• I.e., Your partner lacked an understanding of “living within your [financial] means” and therefore justified making unnecessary or expensive purchases on credit.
• I.e., You’re blinded by this *ideal* of constantly leveling up in life, whether it be pushing yourself at work for another promotion, going from a 2 to 4 bedroom home, paying off 2 cars for the price of 4, eating out at fancy restaurants regularly instead of cooking, checking off countries from your bucket list quarterly instead of annually, etc. etc..
  While this isn’t necessarily wrong, per say, we have to be willing to understand when the mindset of constantly needing to *upgrade* our life is our sole motivator and goal. This can especially create strain in many relationships who do not see eye to eye, or that you are inauthentically connecting with your partner through this lifestyle and wonder why you fall apart when faced with trials and tribulations.
• I.e., Your partner had the “I want [this, that]..” but without a *sacrifice* mentality; an example of this would be that they wanted the new car that was outside the allotted budget, which meant they would need to give up or let go of something in order to afford it.
  Oftentimes one partner tends to make the sacrifices for the other’s [financial] desires or expectations, such as picking up extra shifts or a second job in order to afford [the car, the house, the vacations, etc.].
• I.e., Your partner viewed and treated money as strictly a long-term investment or for emergencies, so they rarely, if ever budged when it came to enjoying a hard-earned reward.
  Oftentimes couples call this partner “boring” and “stingy”, for instance, because they refused to try new things, engage in a hobby, or travel.
• I.e., You or your partner (or both) are workaholics, with a work ethic and mindset that exceeds beyond a love for your job and financial stability.
  The addiction to work is a very real, often undermined reality for many couples that can certainly cause strife because to many workaholics “time is money”, where contentment and the relationship (connection) becomes compromised.

It’s better to bend than to break

We hear this throughout life, right? To bend means to compromise, to yield, or to be flexible. And when we’re overly rigid, we’re bound to snap.

Sure, are we to become so pliable that we conform to ALL things? No, because what eventually happens to rubber bands when stretched too thin? But, we certainly ought to be more willing to preserve the intimacy in our relationship over being right or getting exactly/everything we want all the time.

In fact, I stand by this: the right partner WON’T give you everything you want, nor will they give you up to all your desires. I mean, think about this, because the partner willing to give you everything you want, ask, need or desire includes the good and the bad. *Not everything we want is good or beneficial, period.

And there’s no exception when it comes to money. Sure, the right partner will never expect you to drain your bank account or to live out of a literal shoebox, but those are not a fair extreme to justify inflexibility. There’s compromise and understanding to be had on both ends of the spectrum – for the partner who is considered “The Spender” and the partner who is more “The Saver”.

Figure out a team-focused strategy that works for both parties

This one is surprisingly the scariest part for couples. I’m aware and I understand, truly. It is especially cringey and less appealing for those who are currently wrapped up in financial turbulence. You’ve got to start somewhere, though, and if not opening up about your individual discomforts surrounding money, then a middle road approach should be the alternate step for now.

Let’s break down this main point and focus on key words here. Team-focused, Strategy, and Works for Both Parties.

Team-focused

You know, team, like a duo, pair, gang, squad, unit, club, a body or being yoke. The function of a team is to be other-oriented, not self-oriented, otherwise…you’re not a team if you’re only for you, taking care of yourself and making decisions for your self [benefit].

Now, cue the couples who will immediately seat themselves at the head of the blame table and point the finger at their partner as the culprit for not being team-focused. Listen, as much as I am for holding others accountable (as long as it is lovingly, that IS an act of love, by the way), let me put it this way: are you more likely to acknowledge and change your faults, mistakes, habits, wrongdoings, or behavior when those things are being pitted against you by those who supposedly Love you?

On the flip side, if you are behaving in a self-focused manner, how can you expect your partner to still be team-focused while you continue to walk the path that benefits only you?

That said, both parties usually need a good reboot, in different ways, to truly understand what it means to be team-oriented. The problem is couples anticipate the other to lead with the right foot first. Fact is, change will never happen the way we want when we hold onto that belief.

So what are some examples of key characteristics to becoming more team-focused, or other-oriented, pertaining to money and the finances?

• You don’t make decisions (or make up your own mind about something) without considering your partner and taking them into account; for instance, your car is in the shop and the employee offers you a great trade-in deal, but without hesitating or a second thought this is something you take home with you to mention or discuss with your partner.
• You’ve committed to and willfully accepted the fact you won’t get everything you want, or that to have what you want may mean giving up [sacrificing, setting aside, relinquishing, letting go of] something else; you and your partner are ready to buy a house, but your list of *wants* for the perfect home will rely on both your incomes combined, which then means you will struggle to afford certain necessities and will have to negate some in order to comfortably pay your end of the mortgage.
• What ultimately affects you will also affect your partner (whether you do the finances separately or jointly); you can’t do anything to hurt your partner without, in turn, hurting yourself (and vice versa) when you and your partner are sinking in the same boat (the boat = your relationship). That said, you *desire* to do things in such a way that adds to financial trust in your relationship rather than deducting from it.

Strategy

Yes, what works for some couples won’t for others. Yet at the end of the day – unless you’re living in separate homes! – each couple must have some approach or strategy to how they will go about handling, managing and respecting – a big one! – the finances.

It can boil down to who is the most intelligent and savvy with money (let’s not get our panties in a knot over this). Though, sometimes the person most savvy with money can also be the person who actually spends it the most! So keep that heavily in mind when figuring out your strategy.

What does strategy look like? We can simplify this easily by going the Separate or Conjoined route, but that seems to make already uneasy couples around money pretty squeamish. So it may call for a much more detailed breakdown of appointing one another to certain responsibilities, like paying bills, overseeing a [weekly, monthly] budget and expenses, keeping watch of fraudulent activity on the online accounts (a bigger task than you think!), ensuring one another has a $20 weekly cash fund, etc. etc.

Having personal and mutual financial goals are also included in forming a strategy. Without them, you would need to ask what you each/both are working/building towards (in life, as a couple and your relationship). Remember – goals can change; some may even need to be “sacrificed”, re-evaluated or placed toward the back of the list to suit other goals, or simply to prioritize other things in life and your relationship.

And whether we like it or not, a major part of any effective strategy is 1. first entrusting one another to these responsibilities WHILE ALSO, 2. holding one another accountable when someone is not holding up their end.

When one side is lagging, the other will eventually. Though it shouldn’t be unheard of for one partner to pick up the slack for the other now and then – why do we act like this is unfathomable if we’re expecting a relationship to be full of unconditional Love? Both grace and correction (or redirection) can exist simultaneously, but it’s important not to take either for granted!

Works for Both Parties

We talked strategy, but more importantly you need to figure out one that is not only effective but works for both parties. In life, things change, so will the finances – that I can promise. What strategy works currently may need revamping down the road – this is normal and anticipated!

Again, what works for some won’t for others. Many are inclined to follow the 50/50 or 100/100 rule, which is fine in a general sense and works good enough for some, but it doesn’t necessarily equate to being as fair and effective to others (as portrayed) when broken down to brass tacks. For example,

• You and your partner both work full-time yet your partner makes way less than you. While most treat the team approach with a strict 50/50 strategy regardless of who makes what, splitting two vastly different incomes in relationships that way may not wind up being fair or team-oriented.
  Rather, since you make the majority of the money (i.e., let’s say you make 60k/yr and your partner makes 40k/yr), the fair, team-oriented approach would be a 60/40 strategy instead of 50/50.

With endless ways couples are managing their finances that work for them, this is just one singular hiccup I commonly notice. I also find that financial strife between couples boils down to one partner rebelling financially and/or abandoning any financial strategy altogether. This points directly back to the information above, where some couples will need to unpack the finances literally from the studs.

Hence why it’s so, so important to talk about money (and an individual’s relationship with money) sooner than later – financial compatibility is legitimate when its so often undervalued.