Money and relationships are often depicted to be like oil and water – they don’t mix. The problem is couples fail to ask the right questions and make observations regarding finances early on in dating because it’s taboo – it’s uncomfortable, vulnerable, private, forward and superficial. Yet having this discussion is still important, so here’s how to talk about money with someone you’re only dating.
My husband has a finance degree, and even though its not his career choice it’s his secret but not so secret passion. Savvier than I am, I wanted to completely pick his brain on this topic. Particularly, how couples who are freshly or newly dating should have The Money Talk.
First thing’s first, he said couples need to get more comfortable talking about finances sooner, especially when you consider that each and every person’s livelihood ultimately depends on that paper dollar. And by doing so, almost right off the bat you will be able to distinguish two things about someone:
- They live to Work,
- or they work to Live.
I’d say that alone is pretty freaking important and impactful, right??? So let’s start taking the steps to remove that stigma and untouchable “POWER” behind money because at the end of the day it can either divide you or bring you closer.
You choose.
**This post is Part 1 of an upcoming 2-part series on how to talk about money (in the dating phase) as well as helping couples get more comfortable discussing finances through the progression of their relationship. Stay tuned!
How to talk about money – Dating Edition
Again, my husband is a finance guru , but he also has detective skills (no, really), so he knows his stuff when it comes to asking the right questions to get certain answers. Bear in mind that some of this may not apply to you, but we collaborated on particular questions to help you get a better understanding of one another’s money “savviness”, financial goals, and spending lifestyle.
The focus, at this point in the dating phase, is compatibility.
It’s also important to note that individual income is NOT the determining factor for financial compatibility. For instance, two very well-off individuals with extreme differences in spending habits or financial goals may not be financially compatible. And remember, inflexibility (the inability to compromise, bend or meet somewhere in the middle) is also incompatibility.
And while it’s no secret that asking someone on a first date, “How much money do you make?” and others alike are not considered normal questions to ask someone you hardly know. Those questions also don’t guarantee long-term compatibility, either. When you’re dating, or on your few first dates with someone, you want to keep it light-hearted and fun, not interrogative.
It’s understandable that there are certain questions deemed private and invasive per individual, so the key is making observations and to ask leading questions to get the ball rolling and hopefully unpack those questions more in-depth if/when there’s progress through connection.
Focus on potential connection, not logistics
You’re just dating, so you should solely be focusing on a potential connection. Sure, while financial compatibility does make up a portion of that connection – since you probably want to be somewhere on the same page in terms of goals, lifestyle and stability – money shouldn’t be the determinant.
Yet most tend to focus on the logistics when getting to know someone, and this can be a bit of a drab. What logistics am I talking about? Well, it’s really anything that sounds like a check list. Nobody wants to feel like they’re only good for what they provide to the table in terms of monetary value and financial success.
Be more observational, not interrogative
Touching on the above, the worst kind of date are the interrogative ones. You know, where it’s no longer really about getting to know the person but it’s basically a partnership interview.
How…romantic.
Okay, okay, okay, technically, it is. I’m not denying it, but we can do so in a way that is less interrogative and more observational. What do I mean by this? Instead of asking questions, start paying more attention to certain details about them over time. While nobody likes wasting their time, we really have to come down off this hill that says we ought to make a point blank decision about someone on the first date.
Getting to know someone takes time, and most aren’t chomping at the bit to share certain, sensitive information (that, frankly, isn’t anyone else’s business at that point) right away – it is what it is. It’s not necessarily about dishonesty, per say, but it’s figuring out who is genuinely getting to know them for them and not for how much is in their wallet and what’s on their resume.
Pinpoint not just red flags, but also green flags
Noticing red flags are important – we [should] know this by now. But we should put just as much emphasis on the green flags as well. Not necessarily to cancel out red flags, but that in the event there are none. We’re quick to point out the dangers but are we as keen on pointing out the good?
These flags will obviously look a lot different for everyone, so it’s important not to base red flags in terms of money on what mainstream tells you. “Don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t make at least six figures,” and the slew of nonsense alike. My husband didn’t make anything close to six figs when I met him, yet he’s incredibly smart with his money that enabled him to own and pay off a house on his own. That’s besides the point – financial compatibility isn’t about a number or scale, remember that.
Unpack financial compatibility more in depth
While this post is simply a brief overview, I’m a business and I can’t just give out all the good stuff for free. So I came up with a more in-depth guide to helping individuals understand financial compatibility in dating.
Trust me, if money, stability and financial compatibility matters to you in a potential partner…you’re going to want this printable on hand. I’m not jerking your chain, or your wallet, here.
