How to find Love in a world of casual sex (hookup culture)

So many people claim to hate the whole hookup culture thing, yetttt I see some of ya’ll still touching the flame when you know it’s HOT. Hell, many are just turning the burner on high heat and walking away without batting an eye. So here’s TIP #1 on how to find Love in a world of casual sex that tends to fall on deaf ears: quit supporting it. Enabling is still participating!

**Warning: I will be diving into a controversially “triggering” topic – all beliefs and opinions throughout this post are respectfully my own.

I get it – liberty; “you do you, boo“. But there’s some confusion with the whole, “I can [should be able to] do whatever I want…without consequence” and “wHy Do ThEsE tHiNgS KeEp HaPpEnInG tO mE?!” Our actions, our choices, our patterns, our perception through life – all have consequences. And, sure, you can ab-so-freaking-lutely “do” whatever you please, but that doesn’t guarantee the desired outcome you want.

As much as casual sex (hookup culture) is being praised as self-entitlement, liberation, and empowerment as well as integrated as a *healthy* norm that is acceptable and even admirable in society, negative [undesirable] consequences will ALWAYS, I repeat, ALWAYS exist. In fact, I truly believe it comes full circle because we are seeing this directly affecting dating, relationships, and even marriage – as we know it – today.

BTW, if you haven’t already, you might want to first read my other post on how, thanks to hookup culture, dating is now in ruins. *Forewarning on this one, though, because it may sting a little.

Anyway, if there is no intent for commitment, what is there exactly? Let’s quickly define hookup culture, while I’m sure you’re already [hopefully] aware:

• It’s sexually driven and motivated (sexual temptation and desires of the “self”/*flesh*), beginning and ending with purely sexual intent and gratification with no emotional strings attached (hence, casual sex).

That’s it. If you were hoping for something more, I hate to break it to you – and the world – but hookup culture is categorized as just that. Everything and anything non-committal and purely [*sexually] self-gratifying.

I hope I haven’t lost you yet. We haven’t even gotten to the good parts.

Either way, both men and women are equally guilty for contributing to, participating in, supporting and enabling hookup culture, even if that’s not the intent. Some are honestly here for it and have no intention of stopping. If that is you, then this post is probably not going to serve what you are wanting to hear.

Again, we’re all guilty, so we only have ourselves to thank for helping keep the culture alive and thriving while permitting, condoning, and enabling that behavior to be cross-promoted as normal, healthy, or my favorite…empowering. And I assure you, it’s really not.

That is, it’s empowering until the time comes to want an actual, meaningful relationship…then wondering what happened to all the monogamous, loyal, committed, good-hearted people. [Banging my head against the wall]

Look, I am not here to judge. Correction is not judgment. Engaging in casual sex leads to more self-harm and destruction within society, therefore I encourage you to open your eyes and your mind to what this path has or can lead to, and to change direction. Yes, this can be uncomfortable to accept and difficult to do for fear of what we might lose or miss out on.

Ultimately, what others choose to follow and willngly practice is not my call, and it certainly is not my responsibility. As one, singular person I can only lead a horse to water but I can’t make them drink it. So if you’re out there struggling to find real love in a world where people are willfully and aimlessly hooking up left and right, and drinking from the casual sex cauldron that *promises* empowerment and liberation, I’m going to give you my honest thoughts here. What path you end up choosing is all up to you, because either one will have its own pitfalls, sacrifices and even consequences.

Therefore, I think it’s fair to say that if you’re not dating with the intent to commit (meaning, beyond “loose” or casual intentions), then you’re not dating – you’re engaging in hookup culture. See, because nobody dates [casually] *for fun* without getting or wanting something out of it. And it isn’t about a free meal or making *new* connections with people – at least, ones that aren’t physical – I’ll tell you that.

If you claim it’s the *fun* in getting to know someone without emotional strings, then chemistry (and acting on it) shouldn’t be in the picture, either. Otherwise, there you have it – hookup culture. And if you take away chemistry altogether, then what do you have? Yup, that’s called friendship.

Yet, unfortunately, women [tend to] fall victim by turning to sex as a replacement or gateway for approval, affection, and attention. While men, on the other hand, seemingly don’t care (about the harm behind casual sex) or still view sex entirely as a biological “need”; and yes, women do, too. Either way, the focus is on the self, and our lack of control.

In the big scheme of things, dating today – in and of itself – is merely about exploration in finding connection without, yes, [emotional] strings attached. But if you take that connection away, most also aren’t willing to take away the very thing that’s left on the table [sex]. Why? Because we’ve separated the two. We’ve separated sex from connection. We don’t need to connect with others to have sex with them, anymore. Then there’s the addiction – to both sex, and connection (premature attachment). People (especially women) connect prematurely due to having sex [casually/prematurely], AND there are those who connect prematurely to solidify sexual compatibility.

This all goes without saying the p*rn epidemic is only a contributing enemy to it all. That is why hookup culture isn’t going anywhere for as long as there is little to no real value in sex, or commitment.

But for those who strive to find real love and to commit while being surrounded by a world full of casual sex, you might find yourself believing that dating authenticity, traditional dating values or courtship, and chivalry in dating, no longer exists. Sure, certain [dating] styles and beliefs are everyone’s prerogative, yet I also believe this wisdom applies: just because it’s good doesn’t mean it’s beneficial; just because you can doesn’t necessarily mean you should.

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How to find Love in a world of casual sex (hookup culture)

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Avoid the hookup apps and nightclubs

Go ahead and delete the Tinder App and those alike – for good. As much as the online dating platform has skyrocketed, it really shouldn’t be your be all end all to finding Love. I may have been successful in my online dating journey, but that was some-odd 10 years ago now – a lot has changed since then, and not necessarily for the better.

With that said, there’s motive to proceed with more awareness and caution. Most of the swipe apps are meant for hookups, even if they do push the optimism for relationships. They don’t require much information from you and are heavily based on algorithm – they don’t filter who you see based on interests or preferences, and frankly, they don’t care, either. They only care about whether you’re using the app and how often you’re engaging in it.

[Related Read: As an online dating success story, here are my online dating Do’s and Don’ts]

Most apps today are really shallow – you judge someone solely based on looks right off the bat. What a great way to enable objectification without ever getting to know someone beneath the surface. Granted, meeting in person isn’t totally cliche just yet, but boy is the face-to-face social climate in real-time decline.

With women feeling less and less safe, it’s no surprise there. But why is online dating any different? You’re trusting a stranger you met online to then meet face-to-face. That seems worse off, so let’s quit the double standard while we’re ahead. It’s also time to eliminate the Tinder meetups IRL. That means stop looking for or meeting people in the presence of alcohol. Call me a prude – don’t care – since this is just as likely to be falsified and inauthentic, let alone risky. And we really need to take heed of that last part.

[Related Read: Why I refused to date anyone from a bar (+ cut out the bar scene, period)]

Reevaluate your dating etiquette (you laugh, but I’m serious)

chivalry + courtship is “outdated” or misogynistic

Not if, but when a man opens doors for you, pulls out your chair, offers you his jacket, or insists on paying…avoid automatically thinking it has to do with patriarchy, power, control, submission, or “transation”. You know, him doing something nice because he’s looking for something in return, and I don’t mean a simple “thank you”.

Listen. He knows you are a strong-willed, capable woman, and perfectly equipped to open your own doors, let alone take care of yourself. But in doing so means he is holding you to a higher stature, out of respect. It’s actually taken me years to realize that a man’s weakness is his inability to treat a woman as superior to himself. Suckle on that one for a minute.

Yet chivalry and courtship are in decline. More women feel it implies submission and control while men are up in arms about unjust and unfulfilled expectations (the *respect* and appreciation in return). And without a shadow of a doubt, I believe this societal push on independence is one of many things to blame; where interdependence has become an integrative part of “cancel culture”.

We’re still so hung up on the “50’s Housewife” regime. Hearing about it still today is such a drab; we’ve made it, we’re past that – women are free to choose to work in or outside the home now! Doesn’t mean everyone will fully resonate with, agree or support every and all ins and outs. In saying that, it’s time to let go of our bitter grip on an era that while, yes, benefitted many (by choice) it also hurt others. *True* chivalry and courtship does not carry this implication that men look to women as a *weak* vessel they can control, its simply a standard [of respect] as to how women should be treated and cared for.

I mean, really, are we prepared for the stakes if it comes down to it? Women being mandated to sign up for the draft? Men and women equally fighting for the life rafts instead of women and children being prioritized *first*? Not standing up against a man who hits a woman merely because she instigated it first by hitting him? *This having nothing to do with zero-tolerance to violence, but enabling “self-defense” in a case where a man can justify physically protecting himself against a woman.

I can’t believe I’m even going here, but it’s men that make me feel most like a woman. Therefore I am not ashamed to admit, or weakened by the fact that I need men. But even mouthing that today, especially in the online presence, seems to create an outroar. *This does NOT minimize those who have been hurt by men, either, because so have I.

That being said, I don’t condone intolerable, unacceptable and abusive behavior. Yet I don’t feel needing men somehow makes me in support of those who hurt women. Needing men also doesn’t make me controlled or incapable, but rather I feel my strengths are complimentary to men’s strengths, which is THE POINT. So, women need men and men need women for very different things. Therefore I have a deeper understanding as to what “opposites attract” truly means.

In order to allow love in you must be willing to let go of this so-called power struggle. So if I want to get real technical, *submission* is a two-way street, and men are called to submit first because they are called to Love.

A King bows to his Queen because only she can reveal his true strengths, and a Queen supports her King to lead in allowing her to feel safe honoring her true strengths.

Netflix is not a date, it’s a distraction

Whether you’ve been seeing one another two weeks or two months – doesn’t matter – Netflix and Chill is not a date. As much as I convince myself of that when my husband brings home WingStop, whips out our sweet TV dinner trays with Black List on standby, and heroically says, “Date night!“… it is but it isn’t. Ten years in together, he knows that – he jokes with me a lot, and I gotta love him for it.

Classifying a real D A T E goes much deeper, but the line must be drawn somewhere, right? Because, you know, not everyone can afford to go all out and spend boo-koo bucks all the time. I’m well aware, a movie is easily $30 for two these days, not even including snacks.

Yet, at some point (hopefully not too early on) couples will begin to mimic the stereotypical ole’ married couple. Some really dive in for that phase (like it’s a status symbol) even though it can become an invisible, dark hole too deep to get out of. It’s the norm for *newly* dating couples today to spend more time together, and the importance of space in dating culture has consequently become a thing of the past, especially with texting and social media literally at our fingertips.

I remember when I would spend the ENTIRE week waiting and anticipating Saturday night date night! And that be the only time we spent together that week. So it may not seem practical – $$$ wise – to go out on a real date 2-3-4 times a week, which means couples spend more time connecting from the comfort of their homes or on their phones. Along with premature attachment, this then becomes normalized and habitual, hence for unnecessary boredom, complacency, increased conflict, indifference and incentivized behaviors occurring much sooner than it should for couples who are still just dating.

*Boredom can mean that loss of the spark, lack of spontaneity, seeking external temptations (looking for fulfillment in other things or other people), emotional laziness (allowing or perpetuating disconnection between the relationship), [etc.]. This is why *newly* married couples today are having to be spoon-fed to revert back to DATING each other in order to rekindle or maintain that “spark”.

Therefore, it’s super important to date intentionally, like actually planning and going on real dates to connect, and setting that standard for yourself and a [possible] relationship. Because once you continually enable that point of no return – the infamous Netflix and chill “date” – it’s almost irreversible and rationalized from there on out. When the effort to learn, grow, and connect is made, you’ve stepped off the block of complacency and emotional laziness. You can’t connect on the couch, in silence, zoning out to the TV, which only inevitably leads your minds (and hands) to *wander*.

Have we reached a verdict – is coffee a date, or no?

I’m also beside myself when those claim that coffee is not a first date or real date, but I’d argue that ultimately depends on how well you [already] know one another. There’s nothing wrong with a coffee date (especially as a first date, or *sporadically*) when you’re getting to know someone. And if you both love coffee and its aesthetic, then this is a nonissue.

So when is coffee considered low-quality? When it’s a constant, used as a fallback or for *last minute*, sluggish planning (“What do you want to do?” “IDK what do you want to do?” “Um, idk, coffee, I guess?”).

If this is your case, you are either 1. seeing each other too often [this could be a financial issue or not enough space between dates for new ideas], 2. not ready or willing to take the dating process seriously (proactivity is low), or 3. at a point where anticipation (to see each other) is low and you’re utilizing coffee as the *fallback* (just to get together), so you probably shouldn’t be seeing one another, period.

How is a coffee date considered low-quality? If there’s an expectation or anticipation for the connection to *advance*. To make this clearer, a coffee date is in and of itself very basic (which is fine, you can focus on talking) because its very public. YET, your local Starbucks is not necessarily going to help facilitate that more *intimate*, personal connection you might be trying to build on. At some point, these quick-stop, in and out, coffee shops lack SUBSTANCE – this is NOT about money spent.

For someone, like me, who struggles with distractions and concentration in crowded spaces, high noise-levels, having to speak loudly or quietly for privacy, or feeling comfortable/*relaxed at places with people always going in and out or about to and fro, this is not going to help me to connect [more] with who I am with. That being considered, THAT’S how *coffee* gets such a bad rep for being low-quality.

HIGH EXPECTATIONS VS LOW EXPECTATIONS

BEAR WITH ME, because this one cuts deep!

Many people (men particularly, but women definitely do, too) date beyond their means, from a financial standpoint, and there are those who place severely low standards in the quality (definition) of a *date*.

Point blank, they’re spending money they don’t have, nor would they typically spend according to their budget or lifestyle. I see this ALL. THE. TIME. Men taking women out on expensive dates and lavishing them consistently with expensive things they wouldn’t and couldn’t necessarily buy or afford on a regular basis. This is usually superficial because it’s to *impress*; you might say it’s considered Love-bombing, if you’re not careful.

After a while, usually, these high-end dates become far and few and fizzle (along with the *romance* aspect women often say is the first thing to go), which gives women a multitude of impressions that aren’t necessarily positive. Does this mean she’s being unreasonable and shallow? Sure. Does this also mean the guy is being fictitious and misleading? That *is* the impression here.

Then there are those who give zero thought and consideration into a date – for lack of better words, as long as they can check off a few [required] boxes they convince themselves it will suffice, all while holding onto hope that they get lucky. It’s pure laziness and skeevyness, is what it is. *Yes, there are those who will use money, and spending a lot of it, in hopes of getting lucky, too.

At the same time these individuals (who date outside their means, to impress, or with low-quality efforts) are bitter and disappointed when their date either has *consistent* unrealistically high expectations OR practical standards to what constitutes as a date. The point is we’ve completely lost any sense of balance; the focus is primarily on a superficial impression (winning someone over materialistically) or due diligence (doing the bare minimum in order to move along the bases or to the next checkpoint).

Far too many people (particularly women, sorry) put an unrealistic dollar sign on their worth, and there are also those willfully accepting low-quality dating efforts. I see both sides to THIS a lot, and what I’m about to say many aren’t going to like.

From a dating standpoint, men are guilty of placing a woman’s worth unrealistically low, and women are guilty of placing their worth unrealistically high. I often see men shouting from the rooftops that women should only expect – and be *grateful* receiving – the bare minimum, at best (at best, meaning, including any effort made he has deemed she is not deserving). I often find that the bare minimum differs for men and women, where for men it’s solely the principle of *expending* their resources [initiation, energy and time, primarily].

For women, the bare minimum is obviously more complex, which isn’t unrealistic or unreasonable, to say the least. Yet there are also women who expect men to date according to their means [material, financial expectations or lifestyle], because women have attributed their worth to what [how much] men are willing to spend (on them). I will hear women shout from the rooftops, “I’m worth that $200 steak dinner!”

Whatever sense these may make for some, what’s being shouted from the rooftops on either side is not practical, impartial or realistic! The bottom-line is we need to do better.

Am I implying you’re only worth a McDonald’s meal? No, because like I said practical standards are different. I, for one, am someone whose diet does not consist of McDonalds so this would not be acceptable to me, ALTHOUGH, it would be insanely shallow (and, truthfully, objectifying) to place such an unrealistic dollar amount on my time, presence or even existence. That’s like saying, “You can buy me [have me] if you can afford me.” Being priceless takes on a whole new meaning when we remove equating our worth and value to being bought.

On the flip side, I do also see women continuing to bend their standards, or simply doing away with them because the last thing they want is to lose someone’s interest by being difficult or too much. Listen, times may be hard for many – I get that – but standards don’t revolve around MONEY spent, *regardless of what men will say in response. It’s about intent, thought and creativity – hell, the date CAN be completely free AND STILL serve its purpose (going beyond the “bare minimum”)!

At the same time these individuals (who place their worth unrealistically high or accept low-quality dating efforts) are bitter and disappointed when either faced with having to split checks, initiate, plan and pay for dates (because, you know, equality; more men are taking a step back from being the default planner, initiator, and “pursuer”) or when their expectations aren’t met, likeeee in terms of the absence of courtship or chivalry.

I’ll get a lot of hate for this but unrealistic demands, high expectations (*NOT the same as standards) mixed with low-quality effort and, yes, *equality* has placed its setting at the dating table. And with that, the point on both sides of the coin is almost always missed.

Look, a sunset picnic at the park with strawberries and $7 sparkling champagne from 7-11 costs next to nothing, and that’s a date. It doesn’t need to be a 6-hour affair with seven different destinations on the schedule, complete with lunch and dinner provided. And that being just one date of 2, 3, 4 + for the week or month! Money isn’t what creates or sustains true connection, so there are those who aren’t going to like hearing that dishing $80, $100, $150+ every single date, multiple times a week or month is not always practical. Money being at the forefront will almost always be destructive, so every individual and couple MUST find that balance and, yes, COMPROMISE.

Again, SUBSTANCE is about thoughtfulness and creativity, not money.

make it known, loud and clear (when and if) you are no longer interested

I know we already know this, but we obviously don’t well enough, since we’re increasingly becoming less and less forthright and communicative with each ignored text and emoji sent.

This whole conflict, discomfort, and shame avoidant thing in dating needs to stop – it’s bad enough in hookup culture where there is no shame, and the message is loud and clear, “Too bad, so sad, your discomfort is not important, only my sexual gratification is.”

And the whole letting others down *gently* to save face thing – enough is enough already. The only face being saved is the one doing the let down, and it’s ego-focused to begin with.

PSA: You can be direct with someone without being mean or disrespectful! And yet, no matter how *nice* you are the other person might still call you a jerk and think you’re a cold, heartless human being “for hurting their feelings“. Lawdy, have we really forgotten that getting broken up with HURTS?? No matter how *gentle* someone is being or the *nice* things they’re saying, it’s all the same pain. It SUCKS to be rejected, to feel unwanted, and to know that someone doesn’t share mutual feelings.

It also sucks having to be the one doing the rejecting, not wanting the person, and not having the same feelings as them. Does that mean we deserve to escape consequence, since our intent is not to hurt the other person? Rather than doing everything in your power to avoid emotional chaos, so you feel *less bad* about yourself for hurting someone, it’s time to shift the mindset to THAT being exactly what we sign up for when we participate in dating, relationships, and simply making connections with others.

Plus, when you break up with someone, we know the inevitable disruption of peace and inconvenience it brings. Why do we pollute our connection with others by preaching honesty, integrity, and humility when we’re not ACTUALLY willing to practice it when it matters most? The sole purpose is to give you and the person you’re with the dignity and respect deserved, though it won’t always be glorifying like we hope.

Not every breakup is mutual, civil, or effortlessly absolved, and even then it’s still painful. Whether you’ve been dating someone for two weeks, two months, or two years, every single circumstance deserves an honorable death. Make sure it is as clear and concise for them as it is for you, instead of hoping they get the hint or stabbing them in the back and running.

**Granted, in some cases, the easy out may be absolutely necessary, but if there’s anything I regret it was the time I ended a long-term relationship (over Facebook DM) that poorly reflected who I was and how much I truly cared for the person involved…just to avoid the feeling of shame, facing repurcussion, and pain I brought upon them.

“Nix the Vix” – Patti Stanger (Millionaire Matchmaker)

Let me explain before you assume I’m telling you to become a robot or doormat. If you’ve ever watched Millionaire Matchmaker with Patti Stanger (a relationship/matchmaking expert), she says this to her more masculine, sexually-driven female matches like it’s prophesied.

What even is a “vixen”? Think hot-headed, temperamental, lacking self-awareness, borderline arrogant, flirtatiously aggressive, overtly sexual, and entitled in nature. You might say the “bad girl”, “IDGAF” tough exterior (leads with alpha-masculine energy and wounded feminine, withdrawn, cold-shouldered, in a constant guarded state or in defense-mode), takes-sh*t-from-no-one-yet-gives-them-hell-back (seeks and responds with retaliation or vengeance), confident-yet-still-flaunts-it and primarily attracts [controls] others using their body or sexual deviancy “type”. *Exhales*

As much as this can be seen as irresistibly attractive (like the female version of the “bad boy” type) and “inspiring” [to be like] for other women, honing this attitude in hopes to attract a meaningful relationship can also backfire…hard.

Even I once had this persona, though I was far more shy, quiet, reserved, and *angelic* on the outside. In my late teens and early 20-something, I knew what I was doing because it worked in getting the attention I was looking for. Yet I didn’t care that it was the wrong attention from the wrong people, nor did it matter that it was at the expense of self-respect and dignity.

Again, this persona is considered liberating, more and more today, but in time it began to feel unnatural and imprisoning. I wound up feeling like guys only liked me (or desired me) for the fantasized aspects of that falsified version of myself, not for the real me. To some guys, they looked no further than what it would simply be like to get me in bed. That once they had a taste and lifted the veil they would wipe their hands of me, essentially. Others, the real, decent ones, gawked from afar but clearly saw me as nothing *more* (long-term)….and I honestly don’t blame them.

This leads me to my belief that this vixen persona is initially a competitive and arousing challenge or “fantasy” for [unhealthy] masculine or more feminine men – which is why I experienced guys who were immediately attracted to me, but only until they were greeted with what soon became “threatening” and combative qualities to them. And this type of woman, initially, was probably attracted to the [more feminine] guy who would “submit” (oop, there it is) – that they could “walk all over” or control.

Of course, I enjoyed that, too – I never felt so…desirable. And it felt good to have this sense of, what I thought to be, power over men. But, in the end, I was more often left unfulfilled and empty. It wasn’t until my mid twenties that I took strides to simply be what felt the most natural, grounding, and authentic to me…even if it meant less attention or seeming less desirable. I was SICK of portraying that *pick me* type – it was exhausting and excruciatingly damaging to my sense of self.

I quickly understood that guys were inclined to commit when I exuded a softer (I could also say “graceful”), feminine side – not to be confused with weak, submissive, or voiceless. My femininity actually encouraged me to hold stronger boundaries, honor my beliefs and values, and uphold more self-respect (especially pertaining to my body). This does mean I made certain physical changes to compliment this feminine shift – my hair, clothes and makeup choices changed, and even in the way I presented and exuded myself to others.

In this sense, Patti also says to “Lead with your mind, not your body.” This is meant to deter her matches from trying to impress men with their external qualities (as in your assets and cosmetic/material attributes) and instead with what matters from within. You know, the qualities that actually define you and won’t fade with time – your passions, aspirations, beliefs, values, moral compass, energy, outlook, [etc.]. Because the truth is not every man with the intent for a serious relationship defines Jessica Rabbit or the dominatrix as long-term material.

meaningful sex > sexual liberation

There’s a gross amount of social pressure (toward men and especially now women) to engage in casual sex – go figure – merely for popularity, experience/exploration (belt notches), self “empowerment“, and self-gratification – that “release” or biological “need“. It’s no wonder many are cool with walking backward into dating and relationships.

With that said, lust is not Love. Mistaken that too soon, and too often, and you will start basing this idea of real love off the wrong foot every. single. time. Although it would be very hypocritical of me to be all anti-sexploration (hello former high school and college flings), the whole random one-night-stand thing just wasn’t for me (that’s a whole other blog post of reasons). I was always more of a relationship kind of girl, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t partake in some form of hookup culture. See, even I’m not innocent, but these moments were pretty seldom, usually a short-lived rebound, and not some of my proudest moments as a young adult.

In the end, I never overall enjoyed what is apparently sexually-*liberating* today, and usually regretted my decisions and felt a personal sense of deep disgust thereafter. The whole casual sex thing equated to allowing others to simply use me, temporarily, to their advantage and to take for granted. I wasn’t about that because I thought myself as more valuable, and casual sex would only solidify how cheaply I viewed my worth, my body, my spirit, and sex itself.

Therefore I don’t believe sexual liberation helps women. At least not generationally, or long-term. And sure, some are part of that crazy exception, I guess. But overall I think it can be destructive to a woman’s emotional capability in having a healthy relationship, and knowing what one even looks like. I felt more liberated knowing I was sharing the most intimate parts of myself with someone worthy of me rather than being at anyone’s disposal (even if it was, to some extent or what I thought to be, for my own benefit and pleasure).

stop going home with him on night #1

Or 2, 3, 4…even if you do NOT intend on having sex! Yes, MA’AM, I went there and we’re gonna hang for a bit.

If you really want to make a drastic impact on hookup culture, there needs to be more common sense and self-discipline in the areas that literally define this low-quality ethic in dating. You teach people how to treat you, and there’s really no better way of making that message clear for those with modern dating views. The truth is when you place sex on the table (period), you sleep with someone too soon or on a first date, they are more likely to have zero incentive to put in [*the/more] effort.

The problem is with the stigma behind going to one another’s place. Many take this at face value – meaning, it SHOULDN’T have any sexual implications. Yes, we KNOW it shouldn’t, but that’s not the world we live in. The fine line sits somewhere between perception, temptation, and wishful thinking. If you were to ask any male on the street what it implies [to them] of a woman who willingly goes back to his place at the end of the night on the first date, I can guarantee more men aren’t initially thinking ya’ll are going to laugh it up, share some good stories, and simply hang out. Even if there’s no intent, there’s hope.

Call it what you will, this has been conditioned, and you can’t change that by simply trying to redefine the meaning (of going back to his place). It requires actionable change, yes, on both parts. But you are responsible for your part in that change.

This is without saying I 1000% agree that you should be able to go home with someone without the implication or expectation of sex, just like you should be able to leave your car doors unlocked without the risk of being burglarized. Again, that’s the [fallen] world we live in. And for an especially new and exciting connection forming between two people, the home is a far more private, seductive, vulnerable, and intimate setting than, say, a coffee shop.

And as my mother would always say growing up, “Nothing good ever happens after midnight.” To this day, and the way I look at how dating has evolved in the last decade, she’s never been more right about that. To fully understand this you have to understand context. This is wisdom.

For the many who wish they would have waited longer, or had the instant regret of going home with him on date #1 (or #2, #3, and so on) I guarantee it began the moment of agreeance to spending time at another’s place. So do yourself a favor, if you really want to avoid partaking in hookup culture, or casual sex, steer clear of spending time together at one another’s place before you have mutually established something. Simple as that.

“No sex before monogamy” – Patti Stanger, again

Meaning, no sex before E X C L U S I V I T Y. Also meaninggggg, you both mutually agree not to see other people.

Ew boy, I can FEEL the pursed lips, shaking heads, and furrowed brows. Not that I haven’t already throughout this post, I’m sure.

It’s the same as having fitness goals. You’re dedicated to abstaining from having that chocolate cake until after you got your workout in. It’s a reward for hard work. Some justify having the cake first then fail to put in the effort after. And you know how that usually goes.

So when you’re looking for that authentic, meaningful relationship the same needs to apply to sex. S T O P entertaining those who say you are “dangling the bait”, “holding out” or “playing hard to get”. In hookup culture, nobody in it for sex will wait it out long enough to get it. That’s the tea.

Someone who sees you as worth the wait will want to invest far more than just the physical aspect and will want to make it clear they’re committed to not only you but also committed to patience. These individuals know that a foundation is required to sustain true connection, and sex is not one of those pillars but the cherry [prize] on top.

Start remembering that, because there are still people that value sex as being the honey (a result [reward] you enjoy *together*), not the glue.

invest in a dating and relationship coach

The difference between the advice a friend will give you and a dating or relationship coach is that one actually helps you achieve the very relationship you want – not just tell you what you want to hear to earn friend points.

As adults, we do not grow up equipped with the knowledge behind relationship success. We think we do by those close in relation to us, such as our parents, caregivers, or role models (i.e., influencers, celebrities – EW). That doesn’t always guarantee them to be healthy models to follow. Even therapists, counselors, and relationship coaches can be single or divorced and still be referred to as experts in relationships and marriage. Crazy, right?

While therapists and counselors focus more on the clinical aspect (diagnosing), coaches solely take the goal and action-oriented approach. By investing in a dating coach they will guide you to reaching your relationship goals through personal accountability, acceptance, motivation, and willingness to change.

It’s not about the *why* and looking back, it’s about the *how* and moving forward.

This being a major factor in why I decided to get my coaching certification. I believe relationship success ultimately lies within what YOU can control, and that’s YOU.

believe the red flags that say he’s after anything BUT commitment

If he leaves you hanging (literally) for days or weeks on end, that’s a red flag.

If he won’t or refuses to make you a priority or valuable asset in his life, that’s a red flag.

If he won’t define or affirm the exclusivity of the relationship in appropriation to mutual feelings, that’s a red flag.

If he leaves you with more doubt than security, that’s a dead-end red flag.

And that goes for all the bits in between!

Maybe you see their *potential*, or you focus on the good in them. You have this *faith* that they will change for you, to become this person you need; because you’re this *special* person that can help or fix them, and then ultimately your hope is that they will *choose* you.

First off, it’s time to lay that [thinking/belief] to rest. If you tolerate or justify behavior that doesn’t spell out commitment, or believe you have to perform in order to receive positive treatment, then that is what will continue because you allow it. As long as low-quality relationships are enabled there are fewer reasons for people to show up in them.

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stop dismissing your needs simply because he’s hot AF

You want a relationship. You need security, trust, stability, honesty, and safety. You’re a catch, and you’re worth the solid A+ effort. Yet he’s already shown you he is incapable of meeting your needs and unwilling to give you the A+ time of day (consistently), but you keep clinging on by that thread because he’s just so damn good-looking.

[Related Read: 4 truths to getting over a break-up]

You know what you’re doing? You’re engaging in a one-legged ass-kicking contest.

1. You’ve defined your worth in someone else (you’ve handed it over to them), and
2. You’re minimizing what you actually need in disguise for what you think you deserve, which is less than (oof).

That’s like saying, “I know he’ll end up breaking my heart, but it’s okay because he’s really nice to look at and when things are good there’s that spark of attention [affection], even though it doesn’t last very long before he treats me like dog doo-doo.”

There’s that cycle everyone knows and loves! Now you’ve romanticized sh*tty behavior and emotional heartache by convincing yourself out of what you actually deserve. This chaos will then be a norm to you and, in fact, you will crave that level of turmoil in others and call it passion, or chemistry. Underneath it all, you’re hoping they’ll change for you and become the person who will free or save you from the chaos you ultimately bring upon yourself by tolerating poor treatment for the sake of being thrown a small bone every now and then (even if that small bone is wild, hot sex).

Look, there’s no D good enough in this world if the man attached to it doesn’t surrender to you his trust, loyalty, and commitment.