People too often forget that communicating your dating boundaries is about what you want and don’t want.; setting boundaries with others is about honoring what you need, not driving or pushing people away. Otherwise, how does someone know they are stepping on your toes if you aren’t communicating that to them? Throw in the fact you’re dating someone new – there’s this assumed expectation that you’re simply supposed to go with the flow and be easy-going.
And you absolutely can without compromising your limits.
Do you struggle with understanding, asserting, and reinforcing your boundaries? My Boundaries Workbook can help you!
Nonetheless, [some of] your boundaries are bound to make people uncomfortable; your boundaries may even trigger others, even if you communicate them in the nicest way possible. That’s just an undeniable fact. Your boundaries are going to ruffle some feathers, likely because that person genuinely thought they weren’t doing any harm. For example, the person you’re dating was showing their “obvious” interest in you (and doing what is considered natural when you “like” someone) by making all attempts to keep the date going past 9pm when you’ve made it clear that you want to get a good night’s rest for work in the morning. And that’s the problem behind the whole, “treat others the way YOU want to be treated.” No one desires similar treatment, we just assume it’s universal beyond the societal norm, in saying, “Well, it’s what I would want/expect“.
I digress. You’re here to understand how to communicate certain boundaries you may have (in the dating process), what they sound like…and obviously, duh, you want examples. I got’chu.
But first, know this: a boundary without consequence is simply a complaint. Every boundary has [should have] a consequence – it’s whether or not that consequence needs to be stated, and it’s solely up to you how and when to follow through. Some boundaries do not require vocalizing repercussions because, with enough common sense, they should be understood. That, hey, if you continue pushing me to do something I don’t want to do I will no longer engage with you. You shouldn’t need extra hints there.
It should be that simple, but it never is, right? That’s why it’s important to get more comfortable voicing our boundaries in a way that sets the tone for a [hopefully] POSITIVE dating experience. Expressing a boundary doesn’t mean you are needy, bitchy, controlling, or difficult to please…if you are fully aware of, understand, and honor your boundaries, and how to communicate them.
How to communicate your DATING boundaries [75+ examples]
Emotional + mental boundaries
When you’re first getting to know someone, being emotionally vulnerable can be scary…and, of course, risky business. Even if that means simply stating your differences in preferences. They like beer, and you prefer wine – can you still be compatible?
But in order for the opportunity of growth and progression, being vulnerable (by exposing and honoring our true selves) is key – among other things…like honesty, dignity, respect, compassion, etc. That doesn’t mean someone else is responsible for fulfilling your every need (and your happiness), nor are you responsible for theirs. It’s about self-responsibility, transparency, and mutual respect for your emotional well-being in time, energy, values (beliefs, morals, likes, and differences), autonomy/identity, and overall safety…as well as theirs.
A common example of an emotional boundary is simply saying “No” (without further explanation), which for many is a lot easier said than done; on the contrary, a more rigid, self-inflicted boundary to be more careful of using is saying “No” to help (when it is wanted, needed, gestured, and offered).
Boundary examples
“I enjoy spending time with you, but rather than getting together daily [or x times a week] I would prefer to commit one day a week to spend together. Does that work for you?“
“I don’t want to be out past 10.“, “I want to be home by 10.” or “It’s time for me to go.” [without over-explaining/sharing]
“I don’t feel comfortable [with that, doing that, talking about..].” or “I don’t feel safe [in this situation, with you] right now.“
“I’m not ready to go back to your place.” or “I’m not ready to spend the night at your place.” [without over-explaining/sharing]
“It’s hard for me to be open and honest with you when the will to get to know me is not reciprocated.“
“I don’t appreciate when you shut down, dismiss or belittle my..[POV, opinion, ideas, thoughts], and if this behavior continues I will..[stop sharing things with you, go home, no longer see you].”
“It’s important for me to wind down after work – can we talk later/tomorrow?“
“Last time we watched movies at your place – this time I’d like to go out and do something.“
“We can disagree, but I will not tolerate you [belitting me, patronizing me].“
“The way others treat strangers speaks volumes to me, and I really didn’t like how you spoke to the waiter/waitress/bartender.“
“I’m enjoying getting to know you, but I don’t appreciate…[you making me feel guilty for wanting to end the date after dinner].“
“I know you’re just trying to be helpful, but I’m not looking for advice.“
“Integrity and faithfulness is important to me, so cheating is a dealbreaker for me.“
“I don’t want to [do that, be a part of this] be in the presence of you and your friends doing drugs, so I’m going to leave.“
“It’s difficult for me to communicate with you when I’m being interrupted, and it makes me feel like I am not actually being heard.”
“On Sunday mornings I…[do this]…take my son to the park. Then I am free after noon [time] .“
“I want to discuss this with you, but right now..[at Sunday family dinner].. is not a good time.“
“I’m enjoying getting to know you so far, but I take things slower and I’m starting to feel [smothered, pressured] by your attention/affection…[*optional* when you call me “baby”].”
“I’m flattered you feel that way (about me) and it’s important that I remain honest with you, but I [haven’t reached that point in my feelings, don’t feel the same about you, am not ready to say “I love you” back].”
“I can tell you’re not in the best mood so I will give you some space.” or “I’m not in the right headspace – I need some alone time right now.“
“I need some time to process this, can we come back to it..[in 15 minutes, when I get home from work, after my girls weekend]?”
“I’m a vegetarian – can we go somewhere with more dietary options?” or “Going to [that place] goes against my [morals, values, diet, religion, etc.].”
“No, thank you – I don’t drink.” or “I will not be drinking tonight.“
“I don’t feel safe getting into the car with you after you’ve had [x] drinks – I’m going to call an Uber or a friend.“
“(*optional* When you [call me a “bitch”, tell me my feelings are wrong, weaponize your silence]) This/Your behavior is not okay.”
“Trust is super important to me, and I don’t feel I am ready to share that [information] with you.“
“I’m not feeling up to going out tonight – can we reschedule for next week?” or “I changed my mind, I’m [too tired/not feeling up to it]. How about tomorrow?” *Rule of thumb: if you like them and value their time and effort, and you have/want to cancel, make the initiative to reschedule.
“Stop making jokes about/fun of [my body, health/mental disabilities, physical abnormalities/insecurities] – that’s not funny to me.”
“I am responsible for me, and I know what is best for me. But I am looking for a partner in life, not a mentor.” *This boundary applies in situations where you feel someone is trying to “fix” or change certain aspects about you or your life; i.e., your lifestyle (clothing, makeup, money), changing careers, conforming you into being someone you’re not, displaying control tactics as “loving”, etc..
“I prefer to make plans in advance over last minute. If that works for you, can we discuss our schedules/plans weekly?” or “I [already have plans, have settled in for the night] so tonight is not a good night for me. I’m more than happy to plan out the next time we get together.“
“I look forward to hearing from you, but my [job, space, free time, time with friends] is important to me and that means I won’t always be inclined to respond to your calls/texts right away.” or the less fancy version, “I like getting texts from you randomly, but I may not always respond right away because I value/balance my [me-time, time with friends, work, space, etc.].“
Physical, sexual + relational boundaries
Physical and sexual boundaries are different, so separate the two. We forget that physical intimacy is not just sex, but also that physical boundaries are comprised of closeness (touch), aggression (volatile behaviors), and proximity (personal space and privacy). This is suuuuuper important to remember because nobody is entitled to access or threaten our physical body or space what.so.ever., nor is anyone granted maltreatment (even if they don’t mean it). Your physical and sexual boundaries serve to protect your physical limits.
Relational boundaries, in a sense, have to do with the “closeness” of others. For instance, a relational boundary may have to do with behaviors that you feel are considered infidelity or cheating, such as flirting. You could even break it down further from there – that flirting may not necessarily in itself be cheating, but that if the flirting becomes pathological or deceitful is where you draw the boundary line.
Boundary examples
“I’m not ready to [be physical with you, go that far, kiss you yet].” [without explanation]
“[This] is as far as I’m willing to go (sexually).” or “(Sexually) I draw the line at…[experimenting with toys].“
“Stop – I change my mind – I don’t want to do this anymore.” [without explanation]
“[Holding hands, kissing, embracing/caressing, etc.]…makes me uncomfortable and I need to get to know each other better first.“
“I will not be sending you nudes.” or “I don’t want to receive any nudes.” *In addition*, “…if you continue to [ask for them/send them], I will [stop responding to you, no longer be seeing you].“
“I [don’t like, don’t want] to [kiss, hold hands, hug] in public.“
“I need some space from you right now.“
“I’m not ready for you to spend the night at my place.”
“Please don’t touch me…[*optional* when I’ve moved away from you].” or “I don’t want to be touched right now.“
“I’m not in the mood to [be physical/intimate, cuddle].“
“I’m not ready to meet your friends/family yet.” or “I’m not comfortable meeting your family when we are not officially exclusive.“
“I don’t appreciate you (invading my privacy/space)…[going through my personal things, looking through my phone, coming over unannounced, opening the occupied bathroom, taking food from my plate, making yourself inappropriately “at home” in my home].”
“I don’t like being affectionate in front of friends/family.” or “I’m not comfortable with [you grabbing my butt] in front of my/your parents.“
“I don’t appreciate you talking down to or about my friends/family.“
“Unless we have mutually and verbally expressed exclusivity of our relationship, I still consider myself to be openly single.“
“I will not be sexually intimate until the relationship is exclusive.” or “Just because we have been (sexually) intimate, that does not mean we are exclusive…and I am not bound to you.“
“I would appreciate it if you kept our intimate/personal matters between us.“
“Trust is a major factor for me, and your relationship with [said person] makes me uncomfortable.” or “[This] behavior with [said person] is not okay with me.”
“I am willing to hear your feelings on the matter, but you do not get to dictate who I should and shouldn’t be friends with.“
“I think it’s acceptable to have [female] friends, but I don’t think it’s right to be spending alone time together in private.” or “I’m not okay with you being in contact with your EX, and I feel this behavior jeopardizes the quality of our relationship.“
“I believe certain interactions/relations with the opposite sex are inappropriate (in a relationship). If [this behavior] continues then I will have to question the integrity of this relationship.“
“(*optional* When you [yell in my face, poke me aggressively]) This/Your aggressive behavior is not okay.”
“If you do not stop [getting in my face, grabbing me aggressively, threatening me], then I will [walk away, call the police, leave].” *Important: if you feel you are in an abusive situation and fear for your life and well-being, you are advised to seek professional help when it is safe for you to do so.
Material, financial + digital boundaries
Material and financial boundaries pertain to your personal belongings, assets, finances, and financial lifestyle. Giving someone access to your material possessions can be as big or small as, say, lending someone your car or your home, or simply a toothbrush. You are in control of what and how much you offer someone, whether they respect it or not.
Digital boundaries now exist thanks to cell phone advancement and social media platforms (our private digital world). Just another thing for others to abuse, and another thing we feel we must protect at all costs. Either way, digital boundaries exist because they pertain to our privacy AND possession – your phone and socials are still considered your “property“.
Boundary examples
“Money is tight at the moment – can we [do this] instead?” or “I need to watch my spending right now, but I’d really like to spend time with you the best way I can.“
“Since I picked up the last few tabs, would you mind getting this one?” or “Would you mind splitting the bill this time around?“
“Since our spending lifestyles are different, I want to live within my [financial] means.” or “I cannot afford [that]…a hotel room that is $500 per night.“
“I am not okay with you sharing pictures of me on social media without my permission.” or “When you opt-out of sharing me on your social platforms, it makes me question your integrity.“
“I’m not comfortable leaving my purse at the table – I will bring it with me.” or “Thanks for offering, but I want to hold onto my purse.“
“[This] is what/all I can contribute (financially).“
“The last few times we’ve been out, when you add it all up I spent a lot of money. I can’t make a habit of this kind of spending, so can we lay low tonight?“
“I understand [you forgot your wallet, your cards got declined, you are low on money] this time – things happen. But I won’t be the default for picking up/carrying the weight.“ *Note: this applies to instances where you feel the person is consistently taking unfair financial advantage or using “excuses” to avoid personal accountability and responsibility.
“It is my understanding that we are in a mutually exclusive relationship, and I also want that to be reflected on our social platforms.“
“I don’t appreciate you using my personal things..[razor, toothbrush]..without asking first.“
“I won’t lend you money, but if I can help you in another way I will.“
“For me, digital integrity is important, so I don’t feel it is appropriate or respectful to Like and Follow [certain] people/strangers.” or “I see ulterior motives behind aimlessly, inappropriately and unnecessarily interacting with [women/men/strangers] on social media, and I will not tolerate that behavior.“
“I want you to have a key to my place, but I still need you to respect my home by informing me that you are coming over.” or “I’m just not ready to give you a key to my place.“
“I won’t lend you my car, but I will take you to where you need to go.“, “I understand things happen, and I am willing to help you in any way I can…*optional* [by driving you to work until you get your car back from the shop].” or “I understand things happen, but I will not be expected to be your fall-back.“
Intellectual + spiritual boundaries
We could sum up this section fairly easily by saying it has everything to do with political and religious compatibility, but that would be too simple. Besides, it’s merely impossible to find someone who shares the EXACT way of thinking, views, beliefs, and values in life as you, so this is where boundaries come into play. When considering intellectual boundaries, think autonomy and individualism. Each person is entitled to their own thoughts, ideas, and belief system in respect of others who differ. Of course, again, easier said than done but practicing acceptance is crucial in relationships, and the only way you’re going to gain that is through boundaries.
Boundary examples
“I don’t see things [in life] that way, but I understand where you’re coming from.“
“It’s clear we have different perspectives/opinions on [this topic], and I think it’s best that we respect our differences or go our separate ways.“
“I value open-mindedness, but I sense that you believe your [views, values, way of thinking] are superior to mine.“
“If we can’t get past [our political difference(s)] then I don’t think this is going to work between us.“
“I don’t want politics and religion to dictate [our connection between us, our compatibility]. Let’s focus on getting to know each other beyond that.“
“I need someone who is willing to hold themselves accountable for their words and actions. If you can’t be willing to do that then this relationship will not work.“
“I can appreciate that [fishing, cars, stocks] are your interests/hobbies, and I want to be supportive of that, but that doesn’t mean they are expected to be mine.“
“I understand that you and your family spend the Holidays differently, but I plan on spending it with mine.” or “I don’t think it’s fair that I am expected to forgo my Holiday traditions – it’s important we be able to compromise or meet somewhere in the middle when it comes to spending the Holidays together.“
“It’s okay that we don’t share the same political/spiritual values/beliefs, but I will not tolerate disrespect.“
“My mistakes and flaws do not define me as a person, and if you aren’t able to see past that then this relationship will never work.“
“If you take my belief in God as a personal attack, then that is on you, but I will not tolerate you outwardly disrespecting my spiritual beliefs.” or “I respect your spiritual/religious beliefs, and I expect you to do the same for mine.“
“I value your input/suggestion/advice, but I’m going to [do this, go about it this way, figure it out myself].“
What other DATING-related boundaries come to your mind? Share with me in a comment!
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