IMO, most people possess some quality of clinginess, one way or another at some point. Even if you think you’re not, here’s how to avoid being clingy, and it destroying your relationship. It’s the way you manage that quality before it reaches a tipping point. Have you ever been accused of being too clingy, even when you actually aren’t?
If so, your response was likely along the lines of, “Sorry for actually caring about the relationship…” And, honestly, you’re probably right. There’s also a difference between *caring about your relationship* and the constant need for external validation from your partner. You know, sometimes you do things because you really like him but it’s actually because you desperately want him to feel the same for you, so you *love* him harder into loving you. By this is typically clingy in some fashion.
Maybe it’s that one quality that gets the best of us, or shows up as our worst. For instance, we easily become insecure over a menial, platonic conversation he has with another woman, so we get jealous and start surveilling his every move. Eventually this will blow up in our face while we’re remain convinced this is protecting our heart, but that only reinforces clingy behavior.
This has happened to me, too. I’m a logical thinker by nature, which means I tend to over-think. Now think of an emotionally combusting time bomb. You can see how well that quality may go over in relationships.
If you really think about it, clinginess is often a silent consequence or battle with our personal insecurities and/or negative experiences from a current/previous relationship. This could be a combination of distrust, obsession, control, jealousy, uncertainty and manipulation disguised as a way of Love. It’s important to take into consideration that how you treat your relationship is often a reflection of how you treat yourself.
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How to avoid being clingy [Even when you think you’re not!]
Sloooooooooow your roll
What’s the rush, girl?
Let’s not throw around the “Mrs. So and So” freely just yet. Just because he really, really enjoyed that slice and is begging for more doesn’t mean you should give him the entire pie!
That may work in the movies (does it, really, though?), but in real life that can come across as a bit of an overreach (desperate). So watch that you don’t allow your emotions to, quite literally, replace logic. Realistically, when you rush through relationships you’re essentially compounding or prematurely forcing the things couples naturally go through (conflict, disagreement and hardship) over an extended period.
There’s no need to slab on the romance theatrics so thick. It’s important to remember what *real* Love also consists of: patience. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither should your relationship. Otherwise you’ll end up skipping over a lot of the important stuff that holds it together if and when you both hit a wall or reach rock bottom.
Hold onto your sense of self + allow him of his own
Holding your own is still so important, even in exclusive relationships because you rely less on someone else to fulfill your expectations and instead you are the default in creating your life happiness. Nobody else is responsible for that.
When you lose yourself in others, you not only end up looking for yourself in someone else but you allow others to determine/*define your worth.
You can love him without giving up your entire being for him, and vice versa. So don’t cancel Saturday morning yoga with the girls in order to sneak in extra post-hookup snuggle time together. While, sure, relationships do some with sacrifice, but if you’re in a place where you’re sacrificing everything – at the expense of who you are – that’s not sacrificial Love.
You had a life before him, and it’s likely part of the reason he’s interested in you in the first place. For instance, honor your separate Likes and hobbies, and avoid slithering your way into every one his. Listen, having shared hobbies or enjoying one another’s interests together is perfectly healthy, but when you expect to be a permanent player or part is when the red flags start appearing. If he has game night with the guys on Tuesdays – let him have just that, (I’m about to push some buttons) *YES, even if he makes the effort to include you. You have to understand the implication behind his wanting to make you feel “welcome” as him really just wanting quality time with his guys. And, no, this is conniving or deceptive.
Learn this, embrace this and don’t twist this into anything else.
Give him S P A C E
Especially when he asks for it, so don’t take this request personally. I’m aware – some people may not be the type who need space or alone time, but I find those have a more difficult time understanding and accepting those who do. Granted, I understand: needing tooooo much space can mean one thing, but also consider the damaging effects when there isn’t any, or enough.
How often you communicate on the phone (yes, even texting) or how frequent you’re together can impact a need for space. Everyone has [should have] boundaries, and sometimes those boundaries, even when you reallllly like someone, are crossed. We need to take a step back and understand that personal boundaries are a critical part of relationships, and respecting them is even more important.
Unfortunately the drive for instant gratification in connection has become an obsession. And become of instant gratification we expect constant validation. Try going a whole 24 hours, or two days, without any contact – then tell me your thoughts. I guarantee the obsession will be painfully evident when those will say, “But there’s no reason *not to* when we have 24/7 access to technology at our fingertips – there’s no excuse!” My point exactly. So you have to remember, at one point the only communication couples had was through a landline.
A little distance, or space, shouldn’t automatically be linked to a negative. If you’re constantly talking on the phone or texting all throughout the day, this is easily and likely to detonate each of your *triggers*. Not only is this unnecessary, it’s an unhealthy habit that can be the culprit to constant bickering, arguing, jealousy and mistrust.
Many will still scoff at this, but the truth can’t lie. Put your phone down, because asence REALLY does make the heart grow fonder.
Avoid making assumptions
This can send your relationship into a spiral… downward. Particularly, when you feel uncertain or insecure in the relationship, you are more prone to assume what your partner is feeling and the intentions of their actions based on how you feel (how they make you feel).
Reaction and response plays a huge role in communication. When your reaction or response is to come to your own hypothesis and conclusions, you’re setting up for failed or miscommunication. So when in doubt (or even if you’re not), it’s best to get [aim for] clarity.
For instance, if you don’t live together, don’t assume it’s OK to bop over to his place whenever you want – unannounced and/or uninvited. Hint dropping can be vague, calculating and misinterpreting, so resist taking things out of context, like when he says, “I love having you over to cook together – it feels nice.” Or, to put it blatantly, when he tells you that he’s the happiest whenever he’s with you, that doesn’t mean he’s expecting to see you everyday.
Rain shower VS a monsoon
Some guys like the flattery, and some don’t really care. It is what it is. IMO, when flattery is in overabundance (or when it becomes overbearing), it can be off-putting [*too much*]. Women are just as capable of Love-bombing, and we need to be more aware of that, such as showering him with gifts, compliments, affection, and romantic gestures. Those are all wonderful but, again, boundaries because those are meant to serve you, too. Women are already notorious for [conditioned to] over-functioning, over-extending and hyper-vigilance, *especially when it comes to our relationships.
For example, this would look like constantly gauging his mood (his feelings for/*toward you) and therefore using that to dictate your *performance* (i.e., going straight from work to pick up groceries to surprise him [over-extending] with a home-cooked meal [over-performing] after an exhausting day of work [over-functioning] because he seemed a little *off* and *distant* in his texts [hyper-vigilance]).
LBR, we are called to serve others. It would *be* a relationship if we weren’t going out of our way for our partner…*every now and then. But when this over-functioning, over-extending and hyper-vigilance becomes an unconscious pattern [learned, embedded] is when there’s more harm than good.
Get a serious grip on distrust, control and jealousy
Those three things will eventually eat you alive – they will wreak havoc in your life, and not just in your relationships. All the more important to nip those three evils in the bud before jumping into your next relationship. *PSA: these factors may not be something a relationship can fix!
When you enter into a relationship, you do not have control over your partner’s faults, inadequacies, short-comings, *baggage, or personal choices. You may have an impact – good or bad – but the only thing you can actually control is you. Therefore you cannot force someone’s honesty or loyalty to you.
Distrust and jealousy can also have irreparable or damaging effects on relationships as much as the pain that caused them. If you’re dropping in on his whereabouts or prying him of information (IE. on his phone), this doesn’t change or fix the root problem. And justifying these behaviors, or using them as a crutch, won’t ever promote what is required for a healthy relationship.
He doesn’t need another mother – be his Lover
It isn’t your job to raise him – his mother did that. Don’t pour all of your energy and effort into his glass at the expense of depleting your own. This not only leads to unrealistic and unmet expectations but also resentment.
You can help him, but he has to be wanting and willing to help himself. You don’t exist in his world to coddle, enable or make excuses for him. You aren’t his personal housekeeper, chef, side piece, assistant OR his mother, nor should he be looking for/*expecting one [another].
And, again, as women I think we’re often conditioned to over-perform and over-function. So we’re also often labeled for being judgy [micro-managing], naggy and totalitarian in the relationship roost. If we’re raised to over-perform and over-function, then we’re likely to react accordingly [offensively] with those who don’t (whether this be in the workplace, in our relationships, and even passed down to our own children).
Both sides, men and women, have to be more mindful when we confuse partnership as a *mother complex*.
How has this realization influenced my life, personally, my marriage and the way I [now] see/understand my husband? For starters, I’m more at *peace*, in general, if I simply SURRENDER to this farse idea that I *must* over-perform and over-function. Surrender as in let go. It does more harm to me than it benefits anyone else, husband included.
Secondly, life is so freaking short and temporary. Worrying and being anal over things that really don’t even matter (and won’t later) frees up SO. MUCH. MORE. space for me to fill with other more important things – like PEACE.
[Related Read: Wake up! The healthiest relationships are not boring, that’s called PEACE]
Leave social media out of it
Seriously, though. Some of the best advice I will give in any relationship is to keep your relationship private. Unfortunately, relationship statuses, tagged photos and cutesy comments is the social intercourse of our relationships. It’s just another thing that makes us *feel good*. To me, it’s just another ridiculous responsibility we add to our plates.
Look, I get it, social media has become an entity in order to connect with those we know on a personal level. It would be strange, at this point, if he didn’t want those in his life to know he was “in a relationship” with you. So I’m all about defining your relationship – the problem is it has to be equally valued and willingly mutual.
But if you’re obsessing over the fact that he won’t change his relationship status to “In A Relationship With…“, you could be simply barking up the wrong tree. Is he really worth it? If you are a priority in his life, he will want those in his circle to know he is off the market – plain and simple.
Don’t get me wrong, some take social media in relationships waaaaay too seriously.
I mean, if you’re basing the quality of the relationship solely on whether he Likes and comments on your status updates, or photos on the reg…. girl, get yourself else to concern yourself with. And if you’re constantly surveilling or digging through his socials, what kind of relationship is that?? Being in a relationship takes *work* – don’t make your socials a whole other relationship he needs to keep up with in order to make you happy.
[mailerlite_form form_id=23]Talk about other things besides the relationship
Communication is key to a solid foundation in a relationship. Regardless, you can also be improving even if there isn’t conflict or distress present. And when things are good, for God’s sake, let them be good.
Don’t go conjuring up something to fix in the relationship, and rehashing old problems is never the answer.
Moreover, find other things to consume yourselves with other than just your relationship. I, for one, struggle with this. I feel most connected to my husband when we are consistently on the same page or wavelength. For example, sometimes I have intrusive thoughts that will tell me, “He doesn’t love you because he’s not doing this or that [..giving you as many compliments, only wants to have surface level conversations, initiates sex but then that’s it.”
Yet there are times my husband will tell me, “Can we just enjoy one another, and not take things so seriously all the time?“, because I have the tendency to want to peel open/*back or “check-in” with the quality of our marriage. Sometimes too much. If you spend too much of your time together always treating your relationship like a therapy session, then that is all your relationship will be.