He says he’s not interested, but his behavior says otherwise – 4 Signs he’s not into you when his actions don’t match up

I see this posed in a question quite often. “He says he’s not into me, but he…[does or says this thing that doesn’t align with that]. So, what does this mean now?” Have you experienced this – he says he’s not into you but his behavior says otherwise?

I think it’s important, more important, rather to acknowledge that anybody can say they’re not interested and engage or behave in ways that go against that – just like anyone can say they’re interested yet engage or behave in ways that are the opposite.

Culturally, this is why we *define* behavior (by applying meaning and value to it) with universal acceptance. But we have to be careful with this because people will also take advantage of others through deception and confusion.

A perfectly, prime example on the opposite and extreme end of the spectrum of this post is the person who says they Love you yet smack you in the face.

In this post, we’re not only going to unpack certain things often experienced in this scenario but also what this means for you and what your options are.

He says he’s not into you, but his behavior says otherwise

He’s calling and texting you pretty regularly

Sincere question: do other people in your life embody this similar behavior, and because you *like* this person that particular behavior stands out to you with a different meaning?

That question does not negate what someone may believe or determine to be behavior or effort beyond a civil or platonic manner. Here’s what we need to remember: everyone communicates differently, in quality and frequency.

If he’s reaching out, calling and texting you more than the typical *friend* would, it’s certainly valid to think that, but that doesn’t make it true.

We individually determine – outside of what is universally accepted – what is normal when it comes to communicative initiation and connective presence. For instance, “He only reaches out a couple times a week – he’s not into me,” or “He reaches out a couple times a day – he *must* be into me to do that.“

In this point, we have to be careful if we’re wrongfully or inaccurately assigning meaning and value rather than taking someone’s behavior at face value, especially when it does not match up with their words (in this case, his quality and/or frequency of communication with you).

What are your options?

It’s not that you necessarily have to endure the behavior or bend your standard on the meaning of that behavior, but in this example, there is no option to change or convince the person that they like you despite what they’ve told you.

You have the option to change your response or involvement in the behavior, which can include expressing how their particular behavior paints a different picture from what they’ve communicated.

[Related Read: Why the bad boy type is irresistibly attractive]

He’s being borderline or even flat-out flirtatious

I want the first point above to be implemented here as well. With that, is flirtatious behavior fairly subjective? Can it even be misunderstood? There are those who only view flirting as being sexual in nature whereas others believe it can be both sexual and completely non-sexual.

Genuine kindness or respect has even been misrepresented as flirting, let’s be real. There’s a better need for discernment here, where non-sexual flirtatiousness should typically be followed by a level of direct initiation of interest. Otherwise, flirting across the board is categorically just playful or kind acts with no meaning or intent.

Sure, it can certainly be confusing when he says he’s not into you then tell you how good your backside looked in those jeans you wore the last time they saw you or in that recent picture you posted on your socials.

The fact is, we ought to know by now a compliment is a compliment – it doesn’t default to, “I like you and I want more of you,” on its own. By itself, it’s purely surface-level. Besides, make no mistake, it’s possible that he can be totally into you physically and nothing beyond that.

What are your options?

Similarly to the first point, you can’t tell someone they’re into you just because they find you attractive (and slightly act on it), especially when they’ve told you otherwise.

What you can do is share how their specific behavior can be taken as flirtatious and confusing when the universal consensus is that flirtatious behavior is designed to get the point of interest across.

He seems to get jealous of other guys

He says he’s not interested, but have you noticed certain odd behavior whenever you speak of other guys or when he sees you with them? The behavior can range from pretty quiet to loud.

Maybe he goes quiet for a while immediately following a particular incident or has replied to dudes in the comments on your socials that are fairly snarky, possessive (defensive?) and unnecessary (for someone who claims they’re not into you). Maybe he has even gone as far as to ward off other guys, as if to say, “She’s mine, step off.“

Sure, in this case he may deny, deny, deny til the cows come home, but jealousy isn’t far-fetched behavior to notice. And if he’s already been pretty clear otherwise where he stands with you, this behavior can make you feel like you’re stuck. Maybe even delusional.

I can’t necessarily speak for those who do this, since they could either be lying altogether or engaging in this behavior as a means to satisfy competitive desire, but either way the behavior is beneficial to no one.

What are your options?

For one thing, boundaries. When he has made it clear he’s not into you, then he has no claim on you. This means he is to honor and respect your personal space and volition (your free will and discretion). In other words, you could say he needs to ‘Sh*t or get off the pot‘ and to step off.

Oftentimes we think jealousy brings out people’s true feelings and motives, and that entertaining the behavior could also manifest what we want as well. That’s an individual’s prerogative. But if you find that you’re only engaging in a cycle of jealousy met with repetitious denial of his feelings for you, you could simply be playing a dead-end game.

[Related Read: 7 Signs your type is the wrong guy for you]

He’s still making moves on you, or sleeping with you

He told you he’s not into you yet he’s still displaying affection, making attempts to be intimate or is willingly sleeping with you. This is equally unfortunate as much as it is disorienting.

Of course, it’s confusing when one minute he’s kissed you and the next telling you he’s not interested. Better yet, when he’s given you signs he’s not into you from the horse’s mouth then backtracks with the initiation of physical intimacy.

The behavior alone is fusty – it wreaks of foul intention. Who even does that? Someone who is using you without any regard for your feelings. And if you did call him out on his game, he’d probably say you’re the crazy one.

What are your options?

First, stop sleeping with him, pronto, and deny his advances. While it’s true that someone can be affectionate and intimate (or DTF, for those who know) without wanting something more (aka, he’s interested in you sexually but not romantically), doesn’t mean we are to condone or endure the behavior.

Here’s the thing: you can’t sleep with him into getting him to like you. No amount of affection will suddenly make him wake up and realize he is, in fact, into you. When he’s been pretty outright about his feelings for you yet still down for affection, that should tell you directly where his mind is at.

I think the moral of this post is that when someone tells you they’re not into you, even if their behavior suggests something different, believe them. The bottom line is words and actions are to align, not oppose each other.