Dating today – has it been replaced, or destroyed, by Hookup Culture?
It seems as if dating is now the black sheep, the outcast, and plagued to the point of unrecognition. It is is also seemingly undesirable and, to many, impossible. Personally I think Hookup Culture is much to blame.
Sure, not everyone bows down to Hookup Culture like it’s a new-age cult, but most don’t even realize they’re guilty of humming its tune even when they’re not in support of it. That’s the worst part.
**Just so you know, the opinions and beliefs expressed throughout this post are entirely my own.**
Let’s go with this for a moment, because if you know me I like to push the envelope a bit.
Say Hookup Culture is like a song released by a top artist – better yet, your favorite artist. A song isn’t designed to make you fall in love with it the first time you hear it – no, no, that’s not how it works, my friend. In fact, it may even make you question your fanhood. Yet, some/many do fall victim to a siren song the first go around. But hearing it, in full, one time – that’s not what’s going to lure you, capture you, surrender you; it takes tiny, repetitive baby steps to sway you, bend you, condition you. In enough time, it grows on you; now you start to believe this song was somehow for you.
Programming is a painfully slow and distorted process – it HAS to be done this way if it is not good for us. And that’s what became of that song, Hookup Culture. *Along with SO (so, so, so) many things in this w o r l d, even dating – in itself- isn’t exactly beneficial for us. The idea of casual, non-committal, superficial and surface level connections has slowly been programmed, experimented, adapted, embraced, encouraged, and even normalized. Even for those who dismiss or justify their experience and say it’s not the color Red – Pink is simply another shade of Red, people.
But truly, I’m really not here to judge – rather than shame people, casting a spotlight on the problem is a far more impactful way for people to SEE – to see with their own eyes light exposing the darkness, and the darkness far too many blindly walk alongside.
Has Hookup Culture replaced Dating Culture?
So what am I getting at with this post? IDK. That dating absolutely sucks today, oh well, move on.
Totally kidding.
I guess we could unpack this: what changed? And are we just succumbing to defeat (the change)? Like, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em“? Oof, I hope not.
No, but really, since people are the problem, then it’s certainly a heart problem. If you’re someone who genuinely believes Hookup Culture has served you (in some way), I promise you it only serves to keep you shackled, not “empowered”. It’s like being imprisoned but believing you’re free since you’re allotted 30 minutes outside per day to do what you please within the confines of a mile-high, indestructible fortress. Well, and because you’re told this is good for you, so enjoy this *freedom* as much as you can!
Like I said before, I didn’t write this post to simply bash those who [willingly] engage and totally approve of or support Hookup Culture. Those who are like, “Nah” and refuse to join in on the fake Kumbaya circle may actually still be participating in more ways than one, even if it’s unintentional. *I will touch on this below.
Unfortunately, Hookup Culture isn’t going anywhere. It’s here to stay, but I definitely don’t think that means we have to bend over and accept it as “normal” or “healthy”. It simply means we should learn to be more resistant to it, and this requires enduring discomfort as we’re in a time when dating and even relationships, as we know it, are suffering at the hands of Hookup Culture.
We can’t bear walking the narrow path
Especially walking it alone while we’re watching everyone else, even those close to us, parading down the broader, *more popular* highway. This is the first point because it’s the one that tends to fall on deaf ears, and most simply don’t want to hear.
The narrow path = the unpopular path, the path less traveled, the path that gets berated, the path with the most resistance, the path that often endures rejection or limitation, the path that requires your sacrifice or self-control.
It is the undesirable path now. We look at the narrow path and wonder IF or HOW we’ll ever reach the other side – if there even is one, since you may not see those pearly gates from where your standing. You know you’ll be met with resistance in the thick of it – overgrown with weeds and vines, thorns, and venomous snakes.
What does this resistance look like? Well, you might get mocked or made fun of, be taken for granted or advantage of, be shamed, rejected, ridiculed or judged (for simply honoring your opinions, values, personal decisions and preferences) while being called names, and maybe even shunned or segregated against [cancelled/”silenced”]. For lack of better words, you’re going to displease, dissatisfy, disappoint and turn away many people.
Many will argue that the [now] popular path was also once (and still is) berated, mocked, shamed, ridiculed, judged and even segregated against. And while this is true, it still doesn’t mean it is good.
So, behind you, in the opposite direction you see the [almost cheerful, applauding] crowds, neck-to-neck on a road as wide as a highway, and their entrance – just as gaping and mile high to the sky – is within reach. It always looks so fun and inviting, especially when we’re on the narrow path feeling helpless, hopeless and defeated.
Oftentimes I find those who will straddle both paths – *here it comes – where they will succumb to, enable, implement and justify certain things. Claiming one thing but not fully mirroring these claims. *I think this [being on the fence] makes up far more of us than we imagine. There are many who completely detest the likes of Hookup Culture, yet engage (oblivious or not) in behaviors or beliefs, and make choices that qualify as the Culture. For some not-so-obvious, slightly uncomfortable examples,
- You realize you don’t foresee a long-term future [relationship] with someone, but you allow yourself to continue having interactions (physical relations) with said person because they’re attractive. You might do this until you have sought out someone else with long-term potential. We might call this *stringing along*.
- You stand firm in your belief that you’re only engaging in Hookup Culture if you are not actively seeking out a relationship – that for as long as you’re after long-term potential, you can *date* and engage [physically] with multiple people, or go from person to person without a second thought.
- You experience frequent instances (while dating) of regret following physical intimacy with someone. *This doesn’t have to mean sex, but physical intimacy or contact across the board.
- You meet someone who has made it clear or mentioned in passing they don’t want anything serious. You choose to continue entertaining this person in hopes they will change their mind (to settle or “choose you”), or as in order to satisfy your immediate desires (you stay with them because of the chemistry or because you like their company).
- Physical intimacy with someone is your “turn key” to [potential] compatibility (meaning, you base compatibility on chemistry); but when you have a less-than-desirable intimate experience with someone (or compare them to others) you become no longer interested in them. Basically, if the sex is not what you hoped, it’s enough reason to lose interest or not continue seeing that person.
If you haven’t taken the hint yet, Hookup Culture is the easy, popular path. It’s the encouraged, safe path, riddled with false promises that lead to nowhere, except self-destruction. This is not always self-destruction you can see or that you’re necessarily aware of. It’s also the most tempting path, and met with the least resistance [from others] today.
Many, or even most, have stepped foot on this highway at some point. I certainly did, and some are here for marching in that highway parade, yet the truth still stands: just because you can do it, since everyone else is, doesn’t mean it’s beneficial/good for you.
Dating, at it’s core, has been inverted
You might say turned inside out, or upside down. So, sincerely, what is the point of dating?
Dating is already fairly westernized since we have cultures that still implement arranged marriage today, including marital purity (saving oneself for marriage). So what was the supposed value dating would have or bring to society? Not everyone will agree with me, but I’d like to think dating originated as a way to seek out and facilitate potential partnership through compatibility…without [emotional, committal] strings attached.
Meaning, no upfront or default commitment is made or promised.
I also don’t think dating was meant to be valued (on such a large scale) as to how we determine a potential mate. As in, I don’t think dating was meant to be used as a way to be with multiple people at once or casually for longer periods than necessary. If we think back, way back, dating was often viewed as the phase of courtship. Here’s where many aren’t going to be in favor, but it was the time when a man would step up (to a woman he fancied) to prove his worthiness and honor – of her hand. Hand, I believe, was referred to mutual commitment (aka, in marriage).
Whatever the case, in more traditional dating values, men pursued women. This is viewed differently than what it’s referred to as today…the “chase”. That’s why women were often said to play hard to get, and today The Chase has been skewed, manipulated, perverted and even demonized to being called “mind games”. The thing is…when a man was courting a woman, back then, he didn’t HAVE [entitlement to] her. Therefore, that meant there were obviously no [deeply, invested] emotional or sexual relations, either.
Anyway, that there is an acquired or disgusted taste to many mouths today. The nature of courtship (dating back then) is very much rebuked; the whole gender roles, toxic-masculinity, courtship, oppression, patriarchy – the whole bit. But over decades and generations, dating has slowly evolved into, implemented, and normalized the practice of casual sex or “testing the waters”.
“Empowerment”, or liberation being the undertone, winds up destroying proper grounds for courtship in the first place. “What’s the point if those are willingly having sex with low, minimal, or no required effort, let alone commitment?” Nobody needs to put in as much effort (integrity, humility) nor do they really need to exude any self-control (or respect).
People are literally being handed (or, in most cases, expecting) a piece of the pie without even having to ask, say please or thank you, let alone any effort in making it or cleaning the dishes after!
The argument [division] with this is value – in terms of sex. Many view and treat sex as something invaluable and sacred/”special” while others view and treat sex as inconsequential, and casual (purely “biological”). I laugh when I hear (especially from women today) that sex is their right; I laugh because this implies you are entitled to it under any circumstances. That sounds pretty dangerous to me. Nonetheless, sex has been depreciated, and glorified for it’s use of self-gratification and so-called “self-empowerment”.
Hell, many are [willingly] having sex with those they do not [know], have no connection with, let alone aren’t even attracted to. This is where chemistry is now broken down to two, unstable sub-categories: physical attraction and sexual motivation. Imagine one without the other, because it surely exists.
Notice how these two sub-categories have been introduced and implemented in dating; heavily and increasingly as of late. Yes, people are literally having sex with others their not *attracted to* just to satisfy their sexual desires.
So when I say dating has been inverted, it’s because sex takes precedence in terms of connection and compatibility – well, and priority, let’s be real. Many (most, who are willing to admit it – even I) require test driving the car before taking it off the lot. Whatever the reasoning is, I don’t care – it’s self-focused and corrupt-minded.
We’re REALLY going to justify comparing people to CARS, as if that isn’t considered “taking advantage”? In a world embracing Hookup Culture, the entire basis of a commitment [relationship] is surrounded by sexual compatibility. Yes, physical attraction still matters, but we know people lose interest or leave someone if, say, the sex is horrendous – even if the person is good looking and has optimal or superb long-term qualities as a partner.
All in all, sex is at the forefront, and has so much dictation, of our relational standing and decision-making. What those aren’t willing to admit is that they’re not actually in control, sex is.
I can only imagine this is justified simply because we have knowledge and experience (regarding sex with others) to compare – knowledge and experience that supersedes self-control. Then implement the damage p*rn has added to this. If we didn’t have any knowledge or experience, would we treat and value sex differently? Uh, duh.
Therefore, dating [today] has evolved into a fancy, more dignified word for sexploration in terms of potential partnership that focuses on (or is driven by) sexual compatibility. This is often smoothed over even more with the use of the word *chemistry*.
Is Hookup Culture a new thing, or is it simply a cover for Casual Sex?
Hmm, interesting, since casual sex is already an implemented aspect of dating [casually]. In other posts, I’ve already made it clear that no one dates *casually* without motive, and this is usually sexual in nature. Because if you’re just dating casually that means you’re not seeking a long-term commitment let alone with or for one individual.
Then, if dating casually doesn’t involve sex, what is it? Peopleeeeeeeee, that’s called Friendship.
So is Hookup Culture really a new thing? Some may argue that those simply looking for “hookups” follow the trend of bait and switch, which means someone portrays genuine interest but then suddenly, usually without much warning, disappears or ceases interaction following physical intimacy.
Hookups are hookups because they’re short-lived, short-term. Casual dating, on the other hand, may not necessarily mean two people only date for the short-term, but that they’re end goal (for the time being) is not commitment. Nonetheless, the “hooking up” aspect generally revolves around sex and nothing more – the difference is that many are tricked into believing a person is actually interested in more when they’re not following physical intimacy.
Then what would be the difference between Casual Dating and Hookup Culture – really? Aside from the fact you can – technically – casually date someone long-term, I’m not finding much, except that maybe there are those who aren’t as honest about their casual intentions, or they’re being deceptive about it. Either way, to me, it’s two wings of the same bird.
People have been hooking up with people through Casual Dating [casual sex] for a long time, and now suddenly it’s as if Hookup Culture came into the picture becauseeee….people looking for commitment are sick and tired of the hyper-sexualized and falsified dating scheme???
I mean I can think of a multitude of other reasons, that of which many aren’t going to like hearing, but it boils down to the way we view and treat the aspects of dating altogether. Dating that leads to no where is what it is – it’s temporary, directionless, and partial. And if we continue to treat dating this way, Casual Sex – I mean Hookup Culture – isn’t going anywhere, in fact, we’re feeding into its existence because we have been so conditioned to playing the field, one way or another.
So, how has dating been ruined?
Hopefully you didn’t just skim through the main points of this post to reach your source for enlightenment on this one, because if you didn’t read the other points in full you’re probably going to be A. triggered, and B. completely lost here. Though I suspect there will still be discomfort with what I’m about to unleash.
Hookup Culture has ruined dating because, like I mentioned above, the primary focus revolves around chemistry and sex. Even if we take away the “test drive” aspect, sex is still often treated as the “Heavenly gates” (a pivotal milestone or achievement), a glorified “reward” (for “hard, earned” work, effort, money spent [on someone]) or a twisted version of Pandora’s Box (you think you’re unlocking/discovering this secret “sexual” side/version of who the person is).
Sex is no longer viewed and treated as a supplement – a reward for commitment (marriage).
Hookup Culture has ruined dating because it teaches people to seek Love from sex. And once you’re in that mindset, it’s not only more difficult to curate an authentic, healthy relationship (and to know what one even looks like) but it’s harder to get out of that mindset.
Hookup Culture has ruined dating because it completely minimizes and diminishes the need and requirement for authentic human connection. We are so blind and asleep to our own ignorance and immediate, all-consuming desires of the *flesh*.
Hookup Culture has ruined dating because it replaces the long-term mindset. Notice that high school sweethearts and marrying “young” is a thing of the ancient past. There is good and bad to this, since we likely often view marrying young as having to do with immaturity and impulsivity (again, a falsified, sex-derived Love) with the increase of divorce in today’s age. Relationships and marriage should be more carefully considered, and more importantly valued, which has also been in decline. Now, Hookup Culture is aimed and encouraged directly at the youth (especially now with social media at the forefront), for all the wrong reasons, when they are the most impressionable and vulnerable.
Hookup Culture has ruined dating because it institutionalizes casual sex full force when a greater portion of society refuses (denies “science” – that reproduction is THE result of sex) or doesn’t have the means (knowledge, resources) to practice safe sex. Hookup Culture seeks to denounce individual/personal accountability and responsibility of consequential choices in the name of “sexual liberation”.
Hookup Culture has ruined dating because it creates separation between sex and connection. Hookup Culture says you don’t have to get to know someone, connect with, have feelings for, or have regard for anyone (including yourself) to have sex.
Hookup Culture has ruined dating because it has conditioned and normalized sexualizing EVERYTHING.
Hookup Culture has ruined dating because it has conditioned people to think they have a “right” to [have] sex. Whatever anyone’s thoughts might be on this, the logic of sex being an individual “right” perpetuates a thinking that someone should have “access” to another person’s body in order to exercise/fulfill that “right”. Again, this is a heart issue at its core.
Hookup Culture has ruined dating because it conditions people to treating sex as transactional in dating. In fact, Hookup Culture has made it worse: there’s no need to implement the aspects/”effort” of dating if sex is somewhere [anywhere] on the table (or readily available and guaranteed elsewhere).
Hookup Culture has ruined dating because dating now runs on a specific timeline. That if you haven’t kissed by this date, gone to 2nd, 3rd or 4th base by this date…game over, interest lost. People are much less invested (emotionally), but will invest their bodies (vessels) for self-gratification; making it easy to walk away unscathed or when they’re no longer satisfied.
Hookup Culture has ruined dating because we forget that we can use sex through words, attitude, appearance and body language. When two individuals, who barely know each other, are able and comfortable making sexual references or talking about sex so soon – rather than establishing a connection apart from sex – they’re still leaning on connection through sex.
Hookup Culture has ruined dating because it conditions people to disconnect, detach and move on from others more quickly. We need to be able to view this from the other side of the extreme, opposite to those who tend to connect and attach too easily while struggling to let go and move on. On the contrary, Hookup culture has also conditioned people to resort to instantaneous, “forest fire”, unhealthy connection and attachment because they’ve been taught repetitively that an instant connection is genuine and healthy.
Hookup Culture has ruined dating because it has conditioned people to jump quickly into relationships, or from relationship to relationship (bypassing forming a genuine connection) as in order to reap the supposed benefits or to avoid the shame of non-committal sex.
Nevertheless, Hookup Culture has simply become a clusterf*ck to navigate in the modern dating world.
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