In a culture geared towards self-betterment, are we still likely to engage in harmful dating trends (that continue being downplayed)?
We’re more than willing to spread positive trends like gospel, that continue to circle the viral grapevine through the ages, but what about the not-so-healthy dating trends we know aren’t applause-worthy (for good reason) yet may be guilty of enabling, anyway?
There are many harmful dating trends we know about, though are probably quietly shoving to the backburner when it comes to exposure. In this post, I’m calling out 6 dating trends that desperately need more room in the spotlight.
What are some specific dating trends, that are alive and well, yet do more harm than good?
Dating someone for the joy ride, not a legitimate connection
Casual dating is dwindling, supposedly. While people may be less likely to engage in casual hookups or dating multiple people at once with no strings attached, there are other negative factors we’re up against.
For starters, the idea of dating with the intent for a genuine connection is definitely a positive turnover, yet individuals are still guilty of going on Sunday joy rides.
What am I saying exactly? I’m talking about the trend where people go on dates just to go on dates, whether they’re interested in the person or not, for the enjoyment of a planned activity, a free meal, or the hopes they can get *lucky* a few blocks down the road.
When the focus is more on the joy ride, the heart posture in dating is still skewed toward self-gratification (or, “What can I make sure I get out of this experience?”) rather than a genuine connection.
Getting into a relationship before you’re actually ready
This one’s basically common sense, or it should be, right? And still, I think it’s not taken seriously enough, especially when the cost is high.
The simple fact of having to revisit loneliness or endure the void of a romantic connection can create this illusion that accepting anything is still better than nothing, even if the illusion isn’t really wanted.
For example, individuals will jump into a relationship just to avoid being single, commit to someone despite a lackluster connection or accept exclusivity so as not to risk losing someone altogether (or the affection and attention someone gives them).
People will also reluctantly agree to a relationship because it’s easier than having to turn the other person down.
This is a trend that is alive and well amongst a culture that touts self-love and personal growth. We’re still engaging in harmful dating trends such as this one even when we know it hurts more than it helps.
Equating relational value to appearance and worth
A while ago I remember seeing a viral video of a woman absolutely losing her mind when a guy she was on a date with had asked her what she brings to the table (in a relationship). In a desperate attempt to fluff her ego feathers, she uses her hands as if to attract attention to her face and body, saying, “This! This is what I provide.”
For one thing, I thought we were standing up against objectification because this surely implies the opposite. Besides, one’s appearance has nothing to do with what they “bring to the table”, nor does intrinsic worth equate to relational value.
We’ve all heard someone say, and even some of you may have said to someone, along the lines of, “You should be lucky that I’m with you – I don’t need to prove or provide anything in this relationship.”
That being said, mere existential presence in someone’s life (or, in this case, being in theirs) does not equate to relational value. In addition, personal status, success, title, beauty, desirability, reputation, and bounty also do not equate to relational value (or “what one brings to the table”).
Somehow this assessment – “what you bring to the table (in a relationship)” – has become an insult. Many are sensitive to this inquisition because it makes relationships out to be a performance of value where connection is conditional and transactional.
Unfortunately, relational value is so often confused for superficial and materialistic value.
Under wraps, most people actually understand the meaning of this question as being particular strengths or positive traits, and relational skills as well as partnership principles and a level of emotional maturity (growth).
Figuring out what one brings to the table (in dating and a relationship), when understood properly, can only mutually benefit individuals seeking compatibility and connection.
Some genuine examples are monogamy (i.e., loyalty, faithfulness, commitment), stability (i.e., financial, emotional), self-motivation (i.e., drive, desire, proficiency, responsibility), ethics (i.e., values, morals, integrity), merit (i.e., skills, principles), and proactive partnership (i.e., sacrifice, compromise, team-focused).
While these are primarily traits pertaining to character, to a degree they also pertain to what a person is able and willing to provide (i.e., for themselves, a partnership, and a partner). Whether someone embodies and is leading with these qualities is the real question.
Rigid self-preservation as opposed to vulnerability
We’re in an era of culture that will do quite literally anything to protect our peace. This is not to say self-protection is bad or unnecessary.
Singlehood is on the rise and is actually being encouraged or endorsed. More and more people are either choosing to be single and/or aren’t submitting to an ideology that says you must be partnered up in order to fit in with or follow society’s life aspirational principles.
Having the choice is awesome, and it’s great that there are people who don’t need a partner or romantic relationship to be happy or fulfilled (and live that out authentically).
We’re also human beings and we often miss the mark, obviously, which means we may know when something needs correcting…we just tend to over-correct it. And we’ve swung from one side of the pendulum to the other.
Over-inflated self-preservation, rigid boundaries and a strict “me first” focus has definitely infiltrated potential and opportunistic connections (and not just romantic ones). For those with an aspiration for partnership, these things can be more hindering and damaging than helpful.
While clear walls and boundaries are necessary, we have to be able to gauge when they end up hurting mental health and preventing personal growth and development, such as the importance of experiencing vulnerability, navigating hardship as well as strengthening resilience and cultivating repair and restoration.
We’re doing none of that when protecting our inner peace is a fixed absolute. Hence why vulnerability and flexibility are such an underrated dating trend in this day in age. People have become hyper-sensitive to discomfort to the point they’ll do anything to prevent it, even at the expense of genuine connection.
Here’s maybe a thought-provoking and potentially squeamish take: we’re quick to point out when a person’s behavior is toxic (and to expunge them from our life), so then there’s no refuting that self-preservation antics can also be toxic.
Dating is now considered scary and too vulnerable because it means exposing ourselves to examination and judgement (at the risk of rejection). The harm is that in order to protect our peace we must not only be less tolerable but less forgiving and flexible.
Dating with vulnerability is less about tolerating harm or risks (i.e., sacrificing our peace) and more about establishing an openness to dating opportunities and potential connection despite potential risks.
Taking breaks from dating as a means for an effortless cure
The issue is with everyone else, right? It’s them – they’re the problem. I can guarantee this is the very thing many will say when they decide to temporarily step back from dating. And I’m in no way saying that fault is never others. But everyone’s a victim of something or someone, which means everyone – at some point – is also a perpetrator.
Oftentimes, we’re clueless or in denial of being the one to blame for our own problems, too.
Nevertheless, taking a break from dating may be treated as a hopeful cure-all, for all your problems and hard feelings to simply be washed away, only for them to resurface once you re-enter the dating pool (if not worse off than before).
The problem is when nothing’s changed besides the day, month or year, when taking a break from dating should be a period of introspection (self-examination and reflection).
It’s not running away from the source of your problems as if to close this imaginary door on them, only to wait 5 seconds to reopen the door in hopes they’ve disappeared. This can do more harm than intended, including to others (new people you meet).
Nexting someone because they don’t meet your criteria 100%
I’ve literally seen women reject a guy, whom they stated checked all the boxes…except that she wished he was taller (despite actually being taller than her with heels).
I’ve literally seen men reject a woman, whom they stated checked all the boxes…except that he didn’t like her sense of style (even though he still considered her attractive).
Standards and preferences are one thing, but we’re obtusely blurring those lines with shallowness, and calling it empowerment.
A woman is empowered for not settling until she gets exactly what she wants. Since when did settling become accepting anything less than perfection?
It’s as if we’ve deceived ourselves into thinking perfection is realistically achievable, and that we’re entitled to it. Then we’ve taken it a step further by raising the bar higher once damn-near-perfection is met in many cases.
I get it – they oppose your religious values, don’t aspire marriage or a family, have a pattern of trouble with the law, or have a history of cheating on their ex-partners. There are certain qualifiers, despite a compatible personality and common interests, that are deemed significant in a life partner.
But how likely are we to inject more value into the many superficial aspects, and allow those to outweigh or even disqualify the things that actually matter?