This may get me in trouble, I don’t care, but I’m not into “following my heart”. The heart is deceptive because it desires chaos (in the name of man’s version of Love and what we deem as “passion”), which often led me along the path of blind ignorance and self-destruction. Woo-wee.
So when it comes to first date red flags, there’s no shame in waving that white flag and peacing out. Yet there are definitely those out there doing exactly what I did – trucking along the path of ignorance (or curiosity, temptation, and chaos), thinking to myself, “Nah, it’s nothing,” or “But he’s so [handsome, charming, funny, etc.],” and downplaying low-key Ted Bundy vibes.
People [usually] are intentionally on their best behavior on a first date – some are so good at faking it, in fact. BUT, if you look close enough, you really see people for who they are between the lines. And, frankly, when we’re really dead set on finding something – like Love at first sight – I don’t think its as obvious.
This may even contribute to our likelihood of accepting or tolerating maltreatment, because we’re hyper-focused on someone’s *potential* while ignoring the red flags. And when you do this, you’re essentially violating your own personal boundaries.
[Related Read: 4 Red Flag DMs You Shouldn’t Respond To, #OnlineDating]
If this sounds like your struggle, then I encourage you to read on because there are some pretty crucial first date red flags to become more aware of and to STOP sweeping under the rug.
First date red flags to STOP sweeping under the rug
His phone is the third-wheel
I get it (but not really) – the Gram is the mothership of worldly connection and self-image these days; it is the epicenter of our social standing and community. Our phones have literally become our social umbilical cord, and we’ve got to admit that it is something we idolize beyond recognition, which is destructive.
There’s a time and place for everything. You really can do without that first date selfie or picture of your food. Your posse can even wait to hear how your date is going until after. And this same standard applies for him. We need to stop making excuses for why our phones must sit, front and center at all times, or for having knee-jerk reactions to check or use our devices.
Therefore, IMO, you can really tell a lot about a person by the “relationship” they have with their phone. 21st century, technological advancement BS aside – if someone can’t detach and disconnect from their phone for a few measly hours to connect face-to-face, that’s only a precursor to other real problems.
And on a first date, this is a “respect” issue. Sure, while there are certainly emergency “exceptions” and fairly minor occurrences that don’t automatically need the boot, there just needs to be more attention paid to the way an individual – whom you hardly know and are with to discover more about – treats a mechanism that is designed and meant to be a tool in life, not their identity or lifeline.
Who really wants to feel like their third wheel to a cellphone (that gets more attention and consideration) on a first date, anyway? No one.
A piss-poor attitude; how he treats you, himself + others
I know we can all agree that as human beings we all have bad, off days, we don’t always have it together, and are not pathologically chipper 24/7. Still, a bad attitude on the first date is absolutely jarring.
We’re also “encouraged” to be our authentic, unapologetic selves. But where is that fine line between authenticity, awareness and self-responsibility? If he can’t communicate his feelings or regulate his emotions (frustration, anger, annoyance, etc.), and instead acts on them or projects them – that’s the only fortune telling of the future you need right there, my friend.
I’m sorry but if we’re advised to “leave our personal issues at the door” when we come to work, why do we think this no longer applies on a first date?
So if he badgers you on being 1 minute late while he was early and waited around 15 minutes, complains more than he compliments, or pitches an unnecessary fit (you define “fit”) when his requested medium-rare steak was, in fact, medium-well…then you may want to take his mannerisms into future consideration.
Moreover, a bad attitude on a first date should hit different. At that point, is he even aware of himself and how he’s coming off to those around him? Does he really think he’s making a good impression? Does he even care to? What compels him to believe he’s providing a sense of safety and security by bringing his date into his field of negativity?
I’m just saaaying, this is why first impressions are first impressions, because they matter.
Premature neediness, affection + adoration
When you’re hitting it off, like real deep, it may be cute to jokingly talk about growing old together or the gorgeous babies you’d make. Sometimes these conversations, as some like to put it, “are not that deep” – though, I could beg to differ.
Tread lightly, because what may be transpiring is an unhealthy bond between you. You have yet to scrape the surface of this person and vice versa. Avoid jumping into, let alone grazing the deep end, even if you’re somehow convinced “he’s it” or can’t help but to melt into his instant obsession over you. Again, this is why I believe the heart is deceptive at its core.
Love-bombing is designed to be both enthralling and deceiving – it can seem and feel real and normal but unhealthy by nature. Someone who comes on too strong too soon can be a pretty good indicator of their relationship patterns (and in life); this can mean they tend to rush into relationships too quickly, base relationships on feelings and instant chemistry, and therefore have unrealistic expectations.
This can also mean they struggle connecting and committing on a much deeper level, where infatuation is often substituted. Love-bombing can also be a manipulation tactic – *ahem*, yes, as in order to get into your pants. Why let time be the guide (the low and slow way) when you can put the attention and affection into over-drive and round the bases in half the time?
I’m sure you’re sick of hearing but a real, genuine connection is a slow burn, not a forest fire.
Abusive behavior – *the low-key signs
Let’s unpack infatuation and Love-Bombing a bit more. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your date showing signs that they like you – let’s get that out of the way. But if they’re putting out all the stops, and I mean everything they got, or they’re willingly and frantically putting all of their eggs into one basket, this is your cue to put on the breaks.
Why? For starters, this kind of behavior is not as genuine as you think. That level of attention is coming from all the wrong places, so not for the right reasons. Am I saying Love-bombing could be a backdoor contender for abuse, or is a foreshadow?
*Crickets* …. *Crickets*
I’m no psychologist, but I will say the few guys I encountered who exhibited Love-bombing behaviors ultimately exposed verbally and emotionally abusive patterns of behavior in the end. Coincidence?
Likewise, any form of abusive behavior is unacceptable behavior. Whether it’s verbal, physical, psychological [mental] or emotional. And things like manipulation, possessiveness, jealousy and controlling behaviors are many abusive tendencies on the blurred lined spectrum. Meaning, how many people often tolerate (and have even normalized) those things while denouncing it as abuse?
Thanks to books and movies like 50 Shades of Grey and Twilight (yep, I went there), there are many of these “blurred-line”, red flag behaviors that have been *romanticized* and even glamorized today – like possessiveness disguised as protection and even loyalty (devotion).
So what should you watch out for, specifically?
- He finds every way to blame others for his mistakes, excuses, failures, disappointments, etc; It’s always the waiter, the Uber driver, the weather, the government, his sh*tty boss, his cellphone, his crappy car – he severely lacks personal responsibility and accountability. *All in all, he’s out to make himself a perpetual victim.
- He’s hyper-sensitive/hyper-reactive/passive-aggressive or aggressive; he easily picks fights or is “set off”/triggered by little mishaps, insults, offenses, or other people’s behaviors. This may come off as over-reactivity or shutting down completely. *All in all, he comes across as a loose canon, and you can feel it.
- He is vocally hostile; he curses at you and others, makes explicit threats (even if “jokingly”), talks down and/or over you and is vocally aggressive (i.e., yell-talks, raises voice in discomfort or frustration, has a violent tone). *All in all, vocal hostility can make you feel unsafe (being around them, in their space, in your space).
- He Love-bombs you minus actually taking the time to get to know you; referring to premature attachment/infatuation, he might confess his “Love”/adoration for you (i.e., call you his “soulmate”), tell you how “perfect”/rare you are, becomes overly touchy, affectionate, and eager to “take the next step” with you. *All in all, the way he’s coming onto you doesn’t feel “natural”, but either forced or falsified (doctored up).
- He’s meticulously controlling and possessive; i.e., he got angry/frustrated when you took too long in the bathroom, he conspired that the waiter was hitting on you, he is interrogative with your whereabouts, and he doesn’t take your boundaries (or “no”) well for an answer. *All in all, he aims to elevate his entitlement at the expense of any respect for you as your own person.
- He talks down to you (condescending and patronizing); he criticizes you for still being in school and living with your parents, he questions your “intelligence” and makes comments about your decision-making and aspirations in life, or he treats you as if you are an incompetent, incapable “child” (for instance, he judges the way you eat and points out the way you improperly hold your fork). *All in all, he’s not looking for an “equal” but for someone he can make as his inferior.
- He puts words in your mouth or twists your words (manipulative); i.e., “We’re having a good time, right?” [When you’re clearly not], or “You know that’s not what I meant (I didn’t mean to “hurt”, “offend”, “insult” you, etc.).” [In order to avoid an apology] *All in all, he’s looking for someone he can easily “play”.
- He has severely unrealistic expectations of you; this is the guy who will blatantly tell you what clothes or hairstyle would “look good” on you, he will make subtle remarks about your body type or weight (he’s looking to make changes to your appearance), and he will address certain topics with the intent to challenge you, sway your mind or question your reality (your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, opinions, etc.). He will amplify your minute “faults” and “flaws” and devalue you while exaggerating your “assets” or “strengths” at the same time. *All in all, he’s trying to test how “soft” you are as in order to break you down, mold you into who he wants you to be, or make you submit to conforming to his ideals.
Anyone who makes you feel uneasy or fearful (this can often be disguised as “butterflies”, or anxiety) – whether that be of leaving or rejecting a relationship, of your autonomy and your life – is someone you need to nip in the bud from the start, even if they come off innocently misunderstood.
He’s either too private (secretive) or a public billboard on display
Here’s the thing: boundaries are healthy. Yet boundaries that are too rigid or too loose can be a red flag as well. So if its like pulling teeth (I mean painfully difficult) to get your date to talk, elaborate, open up, initiate or reciprocate the conversation, this should be a clue that he likely has more to hide than what little you’re allowed to know.
Yes, this could very well be #introvertproblems or #hellosocialanxiety. It could also be that you encountered someone with sub-par or ZERO interpersonal, social, and relationship skills whatsoever. We do need to be a bit more mindful of this, as well as both sides of the extremes here.
[Related Read: 5 Key Signs You Are Dating An Introvert (Our Dating Personality Explained!)]
Evasiveness can also mean he already has his mind made up – this isn’t uncommon for individuals [on a first date] to do immediately following their first impression of the other person. Or, he just has no moral standard [good intentions] when it comes to pursuing a relationship, or anything, period. So if he goes in knowing he won’t commit, that’s going to be reflected in his behavior one way or another eventually.
For example, unless he works for the government (and is legally not able to disclose his work), if he refuses to tell you what he does for a living (or whether he has a job at all)…we can safely assume he’s not trying to play off *mysterious vibes*.
The same works for the other way around. Someone too eager to dish every minute detail of their life is someone who often treads this path with others. Every rose has its thorn, we know this. But someone who is an overly ripe, open book translates to a fragile binding that greatly risks falling apart.
Therefore, sometimes we have to be careful of those who say they “wear their heart on their sleeve” (or if this is you), as this may be an indicator of a long line of non-commitment, self-neglect or betrayal, trauma bonding, unhealthy patterns of behavior, boundary violations or lacking personal boundaries to begin with.
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