We know each other’s passwords [Our marriage has no secrets!]

**PSA: There’s a way to be transparent about your digital privacy while also maintaining respect for that privacy. You CAN respect both ways – shocking, I know. I’m about to get real. If you’re in a serious, committed relationship (like marriage) then nothing is secretive or on lockdown from your partner – sorry, not sorry.

They can see your private parts (physically speaking), but not your internal parts (figuratively speaking). There’s an awful lot of this “mY pErSoNaL pRoPeRtY – mInE, mInE, mInE!” mentality, and frankly, it screams, “YOU ARE BANNED FROM THIS SPACE; I NEED ACCESS TO SOMETHING YOU NEVER WILL.” There’s a difference between withholding or denying your partner access, and demanding or feeling entitled to your partner’s “privacy” – a sticky difference, nonetheless.

Our world revolves around technology and the constant use of devices like our phones, laptops, Apple watch, tablets, etc. In marriage, this even includes online bank accounts, life insurance policies, and credit card statements. These so-called “private properties” or entities have become idolized – a lifeline or part of our identities that we have normalized withholding or deeming “off-limits” from others. Meaning, the very person you’re committed to, who DESERVES full transparency. The thing I think most tend to misunderstand is that transparency doesn’t necessarily mean access or entitlement.

Therefore, I apologize in advance because this topic gets me HOT.

When writing this post, I specifically wanted to focus on privacy in committed relationships, and marriage. When I say committed, I don’t mean someone you’ve been in a relationship with for 6 months. And when I say privacy, I’m not talking about whether or not you and your partner keep the bathroom door closed to do your business.

I also want to establish that I do not condone prying, checking or snooping [through my husband’s *privacy*, and vice versa]. The most important factor is that I do not have the desire to, regardless of the fact our *privacy* is an open-door policy. Meaning, if I need or want [access] to use my husband’s phone…I DO have permission, though I do NOT abuse it.

It’s YOUR job to define “abuse” – those are your boundaries.

I’m always a bit taken back when I see the backlash regarding something that, frankly, should be a non-issue in marriage. Sure, what works for some couples won’t for others. But this battle between lack of trust exists on both ends of the spectrum – even for those who claim their right to *privacy* – say, denying your partner [any] access to your phone. Point blank: if it means so much to you to withhold certain things from your [committed] partner, it’s no longer a privacy issue…it’s a trust issue yourself. And yet, either way, there still exists the many who believe they are quite literally free to do as they please without consequence.

My husband and I happen to fall under the category that many would consider controlling, distrusting, and unethical. I laugh because the other extreme could be described the same way! Rather, I believe in holding each other accountable for our piss-poor behavior.

The biggest pitfall is that many couples aren’t on the same page, and won’t see eye to eye when it comes to understanding privacy versus secrecy. In relationships, privacy is not the same as secrecy. Privacy doesn’t always constitute as being personal identity. It is also the amenity of ourselves, which does not have any effect on others. [Ahem], like closing the bathroom door while you pee. Secrecy is the deliberate act of defensively closing off others by hiding or withholding information…generally being deceptive.

Like when you’re texting your ex and you go into overdrive; protecting and hiding your phone from your partner, proactively deleting those texts, and changing their name on your phone for ‘appearances’.

Now before I start unraveling my thoughts and perception, know that there are boundaries and exceptions for just about everything. So no, I’m not flat-out telling you to give your significant other your bank account information. It’s up to you to evaluate the depths of your relationship, period. That being said, none of my previous long-term relationships had access to my privacy, and digital privacy – not like my husband does. You might say he earned that privilege, but I also see it differently: in my eyes, when the trust is mutual and validated, full transparency follows suit. This means all cards are out on the table. I know my husband’s phone passcode and his passwords to just about everything, it’s what I do and how I treat knowing that information, and that it can also be revoked. *Again, this is where our behavior and choices have consequences.

Bottom line is…we have no secrets. Sure, realistically, my husband doesn’t know EVERYTHING, but there’s also nothing I feel the need to hide. Besides, God forbid I am kidnapped without having my phone on me, he best not have to hack his way into it in order to find clues of my last whereabouts. There’s no digging, begging, or relinquishing of control or ownership. We simply believe it’s in our best interest to be able to have that level of maturity and integrity in our marriage, and here’s why.

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Secrecy vs privacy in my marriage [My husband and I have nothing to hide]

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we each understand first hand the delicacy of trust

I get asked this question fairly often, “Yeah, but, how do you KNOW he doesn’t have a secret account he’s not telling you about?“

The truth is I don’t – I simply trust that he doesn’t. We both came from broken-trust past relationships, which is why we value the importance and significance of transparency.

If there’s nothing to hide, you simply won’t need to hide it or deny access to it. This includes applying a sense of betrayal in ant event your partner does utilize that access (not when they’re abusing it). For example, when you catch your partner taking a selfie with your phone.

Therefore, my husband and I know how delicate yet resilient trust truly is, and felt it was always something not worth compromising. Trust only takes seconds to break, and a lifetime to rebuild. Couples have a hard time understanding that painful truths are nobler than selfish lies. And defining risk versus reward is the fine line in trust most are willing to cross first.

So in my marriage, we find greater benefit in sharing the vulnerable parts of ourselves as a way to reinforce trust rather than holding back for the sake of self-righteous power and control. And yet we still honor one another’s right to “privacy”. I won’t even bother going into AuToNoMy for as long as your internet service provider, primary care doctor, bank teller, retail companies, and SOCIAL MEDIA have more access to you and your “privacy” than your partner may ever have.

So ask yourself if there is anything worth risking relationship trust by keeping your partner from having access.

the need to withhold information is no longer privacy

Now let’s not get our panties in a knot just yet. You should never give out your bank account or social security number to every Tom, Dick, and Harry you end up with like it’s your Resume Of Reputable Trust And Loyalty – “…sign the contract at the bottom for discretion, please.”

Absolutely not!

I was engaged before making the initiative to merge that realm of information. And nobody prior to my husband ever had information regarding my personal identity, nor were they freely given access to my digital privacy. But I guess what it boils down to is when you’re in a committed relationship, at some point trust should expand beyond the things we want to control independently.

Look, I’m not telling you to be gung-ho and create a shared Facebook account (though some do, and that works for them). But outwardly going out of your way to prevent your partner from ever gaining the ability (even by chance) to access your social media account is a stretch in the wrong direction. More or less, keeping my phone tucked under my pillow at night doesn’t spell out mutual trust, either. These similar behaviors many claim as their “right to privacy“, when it’s not. Not only is that implying, “You have a reason to be suspicious of me,” but it’s such a wielding of superiority – it’s not even a joking matter.

So the pettiness of turning your back or walking away to avoid your partner from being able to read a text is just – yup, I’m going to say it – another level of immaturity and insecurity that will eventually extend to other avenues of the relationship.

honestly, the need for control stems from the ego

And what it’s really saying is:

“There are parts of my life, and myself, that are off-limits. And only I am in control of what I want and allow you to see.”

It all really boils down to hiding and avoiding the parts of yourself you’re afraid or ashamed to face. And your behaviors are an indicator of how you view and feel about yourself.

Many will say that they don’t need a reason. That what they consider “privacy” is merely a boundary, and that their partner should respect this boundary. Remember, a boundary is a perimeter or confinement that separates what someone is no longer willing to accept (exceeding beyond their comfort zone). Boundaries pertaining to privacy are critical in dating and new relationships – they establish mutual respect as much as they should instill healthy relationship habits, openness, and trust.

Although, IMO, there comes a point where if I’m still uneasy about entrusting my husband with my privacy, is that really in line with the progression of growth and trust? I mean, that would be like if my husband punished me for something I have yet to actually commit – he hides his phone or goes above and beyond to guard his digital privacy when I have given him zero reasons to.

When you have a partner that respects, trusts and honors you – meaning, someone who hasn’t intentionally or maliciously violated your trust, or privacy – there simply won’t be room for barriers of control. And when you truly love, respect, and trust your partner, nothing will be off-limits – there would be no limitations, conditions or restrictions.

Therefore I think oftentimes this “boundary”, or need for control, stems from a lack of trust or fear of the abuse of power.

transparency and respect go hand in hand

Hold your thoughts, questions, and steam line of curse words.

Okkk, it’s not like my husband and I have a set time every day where we exchange our email accounts, phones, and credit card statements to snoop til our hearts’ content… simply because we can. Though it wouldn’t surprise me if couples actually do this (again, if it works for them) – everyone will have their own unique way of regaining, rebuilding, or reinforcing trust.

But one thing should always remain the same: Marriage isn’t about ownership or gaining this sense of entitlement over one another because you are now one. All relationships need necessary, strict boundaries, but as relationships progress is when to think about whether certain boundaries are actually restrictive access disguised as mistrust.

I know, without a doubt, there are couples who lack the understanding of both, and why they are equally significant. Some are vigilant about keeping their phones private (carrying them incessantly, sleeping with it under their pillow, etc.), while their partner then becomes wary of secrecy. Some have actually had their digital privacy violated and abused, while some feel it is their right to abuse that access to their partner’s digital privacy. Annnnd some will never admit that they use their secrecy as power and call it “privacy” while expecting their to uphold respect for that “privacy”.

Regardless of the circumstance, there’s a lack of transparency and respect. This is why both go hand in hand.

While my husband and I may be completely open – with our phones, social media and other sensitive information alike – that doesn’t mean we are obtrusively violating one another’s right to privacy. We also don’t condone one another to abuse the power of access to privacy. Unfortunately this does happen, which in turn can be detrimental to trust and respect.

As a traditional wife, I could technically say his phone is also my phone, and my phone is his phone. But that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Althoughhh… once I married, it became very natural to reiterate things that no longer separated us as two individuals. Like the house is no longer his house, but our house. It’s no longer my money, it’s our money.

Regardless whether you believe marriage to be this way, commitment is NEVER about ownership. It’s about UNITY. Meaning, yes, I have the accessibility to use my husband’s phone (as he does mine). No questions asked. Honestly, it feels a little stupid to say that in writing.

Transparency and respect are a two-way street. I’m not incessantly violating his privacy, nor do I feel entitled to do so. This means I am not logging into our bank account every chance I get to monitor his paychecks and spending, nor am I purposefully digging nosily through his Facebook (because he left the tab open and logged in as him on our shared computer). I’m also not checking his phone and scrolling through his calls, voicemails, and text messages whenever I see fit.

But damn, if I need to use his phone because I left mine at home on charge or my husband needs to use my laptop simply because it’s easier to look up something…there’s zero hesitation. We ASK for permission, yet we NEVER deny one another’s request.

There’s still that required respect for one another’s right to property…and privacy. If there’s the willingness to be vulnerable with your privacy, there should also be the willingness to respect it. And no, it’s not about which needs to come first, it’s about implementing them together.

So just because my husband and I are open as far as access to one another’s digital privacy., that doesn’t mean we have full rights to take advantage of that transparency.

transparency is far more difficult for those with trust issues

Openness actually effects both parties – the one who broke the trust and the one enduring it. Yep, even the person who lied, cheated and deceived, whether they’re remorseful or not.

Unfortunately being open and vulnerable becomes even more imperative when distrust is an issue. Ego is a major culprit for this fallback because it wants to take everything personally, to be important, and make everything about you (them). And with that, respect and transparency are usually the first that go bye-bye and the most difficult to accept back. If you’re not practicing transparency from the get-go, and the trust is broken, you will actually have a harder time giving and receiving that transparency and respect.

It’s times of distrust that make vulnerability feel like imprisonment.

If you value transparency, respect and integrity in your relationship prior to distrust, then being vulnerable as a direction toward repairing the relationship won’t feel like you are living an indefinite prison sentence.

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it’s rather simple – there’s way more important things to focus on

TBH I could have shortened this article by simply saying my husband and I just don’t GAF. Marriage is enough hard work as it is, so why purposely create a thorny barrier that shouldn’t be there in the first place?

Not going to lie, if every time I happen to need to use my husband’s phone and he insists on secretively entering his passcode (or chances his passcode afterward), I would question his life and marital priorities as his wife.

Imagine (or maybe it’s your reality) all of your time and energy spent and wasted on maintaining this keep-away game of, “Crap, left my phone on the counter – I’m mid-wipe on the toilet – better hurry in case my partner gets within eye’s reach of my phone.” Meanwhile, worrying about your privacy becomes more important than a clean rear end.

If the one thing straining your relationship is the constant battle of upholding your privacy with your partner, then one of three things are happening – PERIOD:

1. You have things you are blatantly hiding (meanwhile shifting blame to your partner),
2. You are committed to someone who abuses your transparency and skeptically violates your privacy, or
3. Trust, openness, and respect is a mutual and major underlying issue in the relationship (or unresolved personal issue).

So if you find yourself in the midst of a heat flash to race home before your partner, because you left your Facebook account logged in on your shared computer, there are far bigger issues than simply upholding your privacy.

More good comes of relationships that are an open book than a chest wrapped in chain, bolted shut with a lock and key.

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it’s 2019 – it’s only going to get worse from here on out

I might as well bring out the big guns because if you’re one who sways to uphold your digital privacy in your relationship then guess what? The government and the internet already have more beef on you than your partner.

Sad, but true. In fact, you allow a hacker the better chance of getting into your Facebook account or your sensitive bank information, yet many are more triggered by what their significant other is and isn’t allowed to see, read, hear, know and have access to.

And that’s saying something.

When people are asked what the most important thing in their lives is, the majority say family and connection. Unfortunately experiencing authentic connection requires valuing vulnerability over being guarded. That means prioritizing openness and honesty over controlling your digital privacy.

As technology advances, upholding our privacy is only going to be more uncertain and risky in the world, yet we willingly continue to add onto that risk each day. So if you think upholding your privacy is the biggest concern in your relationship, think again because it may actually be mistrust and integrity.