Dear men, the literal fact is you keep missing the point. Notice, in caps, that I said want. This isn’t a matter of why she won’t; she won’t have sex with you, say, because she is waiting until marriage. This post extends to the bracket [of men] [with women] who fail to recognize the spectrum of other key factors as to why she doesn’t want to have sex.
The title of this post also does not take into account the basic, most obvious reason, either – that the sex she wants won’t be with you, period. Then that would be the end of this post [for many] and what reason would you have to keep on reading?
Yet here we are having to emphasize “enthusiastic consent” – since that point is also being missed. First, allow me to perform a quick Lasik procedure in order for you to see more clearly:
*Ahem*, a woman not WANTING to have sex [with you] has less to do with sex [itself] and more to do with…well…the desire to have sex. This lack of desire includes but is not limited to all the things that inhibit, diminish, or supersede her desire [for sex]. And, because it needs to be said, you can also be the contribution to her desire (or lack thereof).
What exactly does this mean? Her desire [to want to have sex] is heavilyyyyyyyyyy impacted, affected, and influenced by what’s happening IN, TO, and AROUND her; her surroundings, environment, current level of connection (with you) and trust (or lack thereof) as well as her routine, experiences, trauma, taxation, mental health, pressures (i.e., societal, social, self-esteem), needs (and unmet needs), biology (i.e., hormonal, menstrual), and external relationships (i.e., personal, family, friends).
*This is just to name a few.
So if her wanting to have sex [with you] means that much [to you], you’re going to have to focus less on the fact she doesn’t want to have sex and focus more on her desire.
Dear men, here’s why she doesn’t WANT to have sex
She just isn’t in the mood
“BuT sHe ShOuLd WaNt To HaVe SeX wItH mE aLl ThE tImE!”
Or my fav: “If she doesn’t desire to have sex with me, what’s even the point?!”
This baffles me, while many men would concur that they’re not always in the mood to talk about their feelings. Yet you not wanting to get all mushy doesn’t always have to do with her, does it? You’re just not in the mood, or you desire emotional vulnerability *less*.
Nobody demonizes men for being less emotional beings as much as women are demonized for wanting less sex. Besides, sorry but not worry, there’s far more to life and relationships than sex.
So let’s call it for what it is here – her mood. Her not wanting to have sex isn’t always about not wanting you, so here’s a pro tip: stop always making it about you.
As a woman, I am exhausted of hearing [from men], “I don’t feel desired [physically] when she doesn’t want to have sex.” Not only does this statement focus primarily on the self, particularly how you feel toward her lack of desire (or for not being “in the mood”), but it places the responsibility of your sexual/physical self-esteem (and, frankly, fulfillment) on her.
As if that’s her *purpose* of being with you.
This is often done so in a way that instills shame and guilt. Therefore, that statement (and other variations of it) also shows how unaware/unattuned/inconsiderate you may be of her needs. Yes, including needs that contribute to her mood.
Too often women are shamed over this utter idea of simply not being in the mood. If Hollywood and p*rn has tainted your vision or idea of women when it comes to sex, then that’s on you. And I’m mostly talking about the seemingly constant, instantaneous, ravenous [sexual] drive being misrepresented.
If we’re called to avoid making assumptions (in life and relationships), then this equally applies to sex. We have got to stop automatically attributing her not being in the mood to rejection, and therefore as an absolute detriment to your manlihood.
The blatant showiness of entitlement to the satisfaction of your physical needs and use of her body are insanely obvious here. Using your biology as justification for getting your sexual needs fulfilled is simply manipulation – that might even be considered abuse if you’re not careful.
The gist of the matter is she won’t and shouldn’t be expected to be in the mood 24/7/365 for you. And her body should not be treated at your disposal, nor should she be made to feel that way.
Regardless of all my alleged nonsense, many hear “not in the mood” and likely translate that to “not attracted [to you]”, or not desirable. Many will say not being in the mood is a response heard often.
In response to her not being in the mood, if she’s met with emotional withdrawal, shame, guilt, stonewalling, or manipulation then her growing lack of desire should be of no surprise, if I’m being honest. And while men will say women control the act of sex, and whether or not it happens, this is the unspoken proclamation: men’s entitlement and satisfaction of physical needs > whatever mood she’s in (or lack of desire because she’s not in the mood).
The one at fault is seemingly always the person who desires sex less (or rejects sex because x, y, z). So I would argue that “women controlling the act of sex and whether or not it happens” is simply…tolerated, at best.
Sure, of course, not *feeling* desired physically/sexually by our significant other (SO) hurts – consistent rejection can and does take a toll, especially when it appears your partner shows no inclination to prioritize physical intimacy in the relationship. I am not denying the impact and effects this has.
My question is how often BOTH sides (from the beginning) are being genuinely and thoughtfully considered, communicated and respected (through empathy, compassion, self-reflection, and introspection).
What can “not being in the mood” look like [translate to] exactly? These are just a few examples. You can get a better, more personalized understanding of what this means [to your SO] by simply asking her yourself.
- She’s not a light switch when it comes to being “turned on”; she takes more time to get in the mood, and this doesn’t necessarily involve romanticism or foreplay, but setting “the mood” – lighting candles, non-sexual compliments, non-sexual affection, space, emotional availability/attunement, awareness of tasks or things to be done (so that her mind can focus less on what needs to be done or what to do and more on de-stress, relaxation, and quality time to connect and feel connected [with you]).
- She’s listening to her BODY; for instance, if it’s that time of the month, sex might be the last thing on her mind as she’s dealing with menstrual pain, hormonal changes and overall physical discomfort; she’s entitled to the respect of giving her body what it needs without feeling guilty, as should you be encouraging and supportive of that.
At the same time, if you treat her self-respect (for her body) as a burden [on you], she’s going to see/sense that, too. So, it really isn’t too much to ask, that if you care and love her body (enough for sex) to show her that you love and care for her body when it comes to everything else (apart from sex). - She’s [literally] tired or stressed; yes, even if you catch her laying in bed on TikTok; mental exhaustion is still a thing, because if/when her mind has not had a chance to wind down from running a marathon all day, or for the last 5 days with less than 4 hours of sleep at night, she knows she will not be able to relax and actually enjoy having sex.
Men experience this, too, when they want to be left alone to binge on video games, soooo – for real – where’s the G R A C E? - She just doesn’t want to; sometimes there are just “other things” she would rather do/be doing. As much as sex is supposed to be enjoyed and sought after (without defiance), we really have been conditioned to put sex on an overreaching pedestal.
The fact is, there is still more to life than sex, and these things aren’t always more extravagant. It’s like the saying “Chocolate is better than sex”. At times (as cringy as it might be to some), binging a show on Netflix will be more appealing/satisfying to one’s mood. - *There’s an existing wedge between you and her; point blank, makeup sex isn’t always a guarantee. Sometimes a recent or unresolved argument is the culprit, and lingering negative energy that festers won’t help or allow her to be in the mood. At this point, temporarily, time, assurance, and non-sexual connection is often the desirable substitution.
Is there a respectful, healthy way to help/allow her to get/be in the mood? Of course there is – have you troubled yourself in asking how you can be of better help?
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She’s not feeling connected
If she doesn’t want to have sex, disconnection is a huge – almost guaranteed – factor, one way or another. To better understand, she’s not feeling desired or valued apart from sex. And this is not a laughing matter.
Connection is your desire for her, not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, intellectually, spiritually, etc.. When one or more of those things are missing or lacking, the other forms of connection can also suffer as a result.
Sex does not *fix*, facilitate or make up for the lack of connection in other areas. Though I would love to know if there’s truth in that men can still have/want/desire sex even if those other areas of connection are lacking, whereas most women require the other forms of connection in order to feel a physical connection or desire.
So here’s a question you ought to hold onto at all times: we haven’t had sex in a while and this has been weighing on me – what OTHER area of connection needs more attention and focus?
If sex is [truly] about the physical “connection” (and not a pleasurable release), how can someone actually feel connected to their significant other (let alone willfully engage in sex) knowing they’re not [fully, enthusiastically] into it? Or if you had to do some convincing (not the same as honest effort to get her in the mood) to get it?
Even if you aren’t aware of her lack of desire (for sex), if you [truly] know your SO, you should be able to sense a disconnect or misalignment in desire, to some degree.
Therefore, if you’re completely aware of OR unable to notice her lack of desire and misalignment in connection during sex, then the focus is not physical connection but sexual gratification. Where’s the respect – men so desperately want – in that?
I could ask, in laments terms, are you valuing sex for the right reasons (aka, as more than a bodily function)?
Sex feels “Transactional”
Yeahhhhh, we’re going there. And I’ll start by asking: when was the last time you were receptive to OR gave your partner physical affection without the insinuation, expectation or implication for sex – genuinely?
I don’t mean a quick kiss on the lips, once. I’m talking, like, a full-on make out sesh. And without making sexually implied jokes, a mockery of, or holding it above her head (score tallying).
Look, sex does appear transactional to healthy, happy couples. You know why? Because both parties are proactively contributing to the pillars of the foundation in their relationship. As a result, they are mutually benefitting from the reward of their ongoing efforts.
Yet, let’s not forget, this isn’t something that happens overnight. The difference is sex is not one of those pillars nor is it the fabric of those pillars. Sex should not be treated as though it is expected as a return on investment. For example, just because you cooked dinner and did the dishes one night does not mean you are entitled to compensation. The problem is when it’s also anticipated, to which loving deeds are carried out with the hope for getting lucky.
But when is transactional sex unhealthy? Refer to the other sections of this post, but especially if that’s how most physical interactions or sexual intentions are founded. Meaning, I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine.
The couples who are guilty of this the most? 1. Those who can’t be physically affectionate without leading to or resulting in sex, and 2. those who treat their relationship like a business, where sex is the paycheck for doing the bare minimum AND/OR as a reward for going *above and beyond*.
Women are usually portrayed as being the “bad cop”, in this case, because they are the ones more likely to avoid or decline physical affection.
Think about it from her perspective. Is it unfathomable to want physical affection without sexual implications? Otherwise, what ends up happening is she feels less safe to be vulnerable because sex is always anticipated (on the table) and back-door expected.
If that doesn’t say we live in a hyper-sexual and sexually *liberated* and dependent culture with distorted beliefs on sex and physical connection…then I don’t know what.
Her plate is too full
I’m talking about her physical, emotional AND mental plate – including but not limited to stress, hormonal fluctuations/imbalance, obligations, overstimulation and dysregulation. This plate, as “unnecessary” and chaotic as it may seem, is quite literally piling over (if the dam hasn’t already breached its walls).
Moreover, you’re watching from a front-row seat with popcorn in hand as she reaches her breaking point or silently implodes. This is usually when she’s known for being naggy, clingy, needy, over-emotional, b*tchy, crazy or *too much*.
She’s exhausted, over-extended, burnt-out, and the like. Her plate, which undoubtedly keeps the wheel turning (effectively and smoothly most of the time, I might add), tends to be berated by the person who is supposed to be that wheel’s biggest support. You’re supposed to be the axel.
Yet there’s this audacity to question why she can’t/won’t prioritize [more] time in the bedroom. Or, rather, why she can’t simply set some of the added weight aside – temporarily – in order to cater to your sexual fulfillment. That was brash, sorry, but it’s true.
Again, of course, this isn’t all women. But if she doesn’t want to have sex, I can promise you this scenario describes the majority of women [at some given point] in their relationship (with you) – the imbalance of the scales (plates).
Of course, it would be easy to advise these women to simply stop “doing it all”, or filling their plate (with things [to you] that easily don’t matter or aren’t that important). Part of me genuinely does believe women need to stop biting off more than they can chew, assuming the reins, caring too much about [obsessing over] menial things, or taking on doing it all *because they can* – this goes against the essence of their being.
But this advice also invites a bigger [inevitable] problem, threatening their sense of safety and security: who will do it/get it done [if I don’t]? That’s a whole other topic.
I’m compelled to admit that most women [today] feel they cannot rely on men [their SO]. This does involve trust, as well as an overall sense of, again, safety, security and stability in the relationship.
It’s about letting go of control, but reliability, vulnerability and trust must run parallel. And if she can’t do that (whether this has been proven by personal experience or conditioned by new-age societal norms), this can subsequently affect her vulnerability and desire surrounding intimacy (sex).
I digress. The main issue here is her plate is simply full, and you’re either likely adding to it and/or not helping alleviate it. And when her plate is [always] full, she’s less likely to be in the mood, she’s more likely to feel disconnected [from you], and at that point can’t help but treat sex as a buyout for time (time in between the guilt of rejecting your pleas).
As prideful (stubborn) as men can be (and are) when it comes to getting help or asking for it, women are, too. And it’s likely that she has asked [you] for help, in an attempt to hold you accountable (so that she won’t always *have to* ask), resulting in the response of your own combative pride [refusal and denial] time and time again.
This is boldface rejection, as well. Being a partner, you shouldn’t need to be told or asked to step up in your role. The reality is, in this case, you’re already showing her how blind and incapable you’re willing to be to the imbalance of intuitive and proactive care, consideration, and compassion that a relationship requires.
The problem always falls on her
She doesn’t need to hear it in words in order to see your disappointment. She can feel your growing resentment. She knows that every time she chooses to honor herself (her lack of desire), another tick mark appears on your subconscious Rejection Scale against her.
She also knows, as a result, this likely pushes you further away when it should be your sign to pull up closer to her. The problem, at large, does fall on her. This is usually by default, if we’re being real here, since sex is deemed in the woman’s court.
So you say, this isn’t my problem and I’m not responsible. But I see it like this: it is as much your problem as it is hers (her problems ARE also your problems), and you are, too, responsible for as long as you choose to be in a relationship.
If you call yourself the vessel of strength, integrity, protection, and provision, then you would NEVER place, let alone allow her to carry or bear this weight on her own.