I do love my husband. And I think I love him more for the things I wasn’t expecting to – for the things I never saw in him while we were dating, honestly. So I think I really lucked out with that one. But in reality, nothing in this world truly prepared me for marriage. And I mean nothing.
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You can read every book, take the advice of every “old and wise” and do that marriage counseling they provide before tying the knot. But none of those things prepare you for your own, unique, cobblestone path you’re headed down with that special someone. Not having a clue what lies up ahead. It’s either thrilling, or terrifying, however you look at it. But the course is something to endure and face the challenges as one.
It’s explained enough that marriage is not about reaching the “end of the tunnel”, it’s the journey that matters. That journey isn’t always blue skies and rays of sunshine, by any means. We stress enough that marriage is work, but I want to dig deeper than that. I want to surface some of the brutally honest aspects of work, in marriage, that nobody really talks enough about.
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It’s NOT like in the movies
This one seems pretty self explanatory, but you’d be surprised. Any relationship, or marriage, is far from being anything like you see in the movies.
TBH, the relationships movies portray are exhausting.
Just like on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter feeds, you know what you never actually see? The negative in people’s lives. They aren’t going to confess their personal or marital problems – like letting it be known to the world that they lost their job and they’re struggling to make ends meet, or that their spouse had an affair.
Hence like in the movies, there is usually always something dramatic happening. This can give couples the impression that if the relationship has plateaued, or isn’t always spinning on the fairy tale wheel, then it is not real love.
We must remember that is not the true face of marriage.
It’s not effortless, easy or warm and fuzzy 24/7/365. There will be times that require more than a feeling, but intention. Choosing to love your spouse, not simply from a feeling of being “in love”. Because the truth is… he won’t always be that prince charming or Christian Grey you envisioned. He will simply be human.
Your partner is not you + it’s not your job to change him
Your partner is their own, individual, unique person with their own unique qualities and characteristics.
Hence why you chose to be with them to begin with.
They are not always going to have the same understanding or way of thinking as you. Besides, who they are now may shift 5, 10, and 35 years down the line.
People change, people grow, but in a marriage you are supposed to do so parallel to one another.
The idea of our unique differences is something to learn in one another, and to embrace changes in your lifetime together. It’s not your duty, or right, to expect change in order to appease an image of him you wish to see.
there’s no such thing as “winning”
There is no winning in marriage. You’re in the very same boat, no matter whose side is sinking.
Who’s right or wrong – none of that truly matters.
Couples have a really difficult time seeing and treating problems in their marriage as a separate entity. They see their spouse as the enemy, based on who has done wrong or caused harm.
In marriage, it’s not you versus him.. it’s you and him versus the problem.
Maturity determines a couple’s ability to fully implement this understanding. That any marriage will not thrive on keeping tabs, double standards, superiority and righteousness, or holding resentment above one another’s heads.
The mindset of “winning” means you fail to work as a team as much as you are working against your partner. In a marriage, no matter what, that is what you are – a team. If you’re working against one another, even in conflict, that is a step closer to emotionally disconnecting from your spouse.
[Related Read: When he won’t open up emotionally (What I’ve learned + started doing)]
Your pride is the thorn
Pride is just another way of refusing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable in the relationship – avoiding further hurt, disappointment, or weakness within ourselves. Pride generally stems from differences and conflict within the relationship.
You’ve got to learn what it means to spend the next 70-80 years of your life apologizing (even when you feel you shouldn’t have to), compromising (even when doing so doesn’t benefit you in the least), letting go (especially if you’ve chosen to forgive, or know it’s not worth holding onto), and knowing and admitting when you’re wrong (even when maybe you know in your heart you’re right). Be able to acknowledge there’s another important life force with feelings, thoughts and opinions that matter just as much as yours – especially during conflict (even when your blood is boiling like the Hulk).
Because here’s the truth in the matter: pride wants your relationship to fail, especially having and showing too much of it. It’s goal is to strip away at your happiness and true meaning of receiving and giving Love. Remember that.
Give without limitations
True love is naturally reciprocal. It won’t always be equal, or timely, but with patience and grace comes reward.
It’s in part of our nature to want to feel loved, and if we’re not getting it – we’re probably not amplified to giving it, either. But if you listen to the world preach, “Treat others the way you want to be treated”, “Do unto others”, “Give, and you shall receive” – it’s actually difficult to take those verses into account in our daily lives.
If you give, give and give and give, and receive nothing in return – many usually end up pulling back.
Even I’m guilty.
The thing is… nobody’s perfect. Nobody is the same, which means how we give and receive love won’t be the same to the next person. We also all interpret that love differently. This being the reason couples need to be willing to learn and understand the differences in how one another feels loved.
There are going to be times where the effort isn’t equal – think of the 50/50 rule. Marriage will never be 50/50, nor should that be the goal. The goal should always be to give 100/100, even if your spouse isn’t pulling their own weight. At some point, you will be the one carrying him through periods of struggle or imbalance… as he will with you. So the one thing never spoken enough is that it’s important to never withhold love from your spouse, or to have conditions and limitations of your love.
Sex isn’t why you’re married; Nor is child-bearing
Marriage isn’t about sex.
Marriage isn’t even about fulfilling the aspiration of children.
It’s about true, everlasting companionship.
I know in saying that I will have poked a few bears and made a few eyes and ears bleed, but the truth in my marriage is this: I didn’t spend years getting to know my [now] husband, choose to marry him and spend the rest of my existence with him… solely for physical pleasure, or to be a mother.
Love is not a feeling
Personally, I believe most idolize the wrong definition of love that is being portrayed throughout society and unfortunately conditioning our view of true love. Many think that when you’re no longer in love, that the relationship is nonredeemable.
Being in love is simply a feeling (feelings come and go), like the “honeymoon phase”, but genuine love is about making the conscious and intellectual choice to love.
If you base love on a feeling alone, marriage will never thrive.
Life in itself, the good and bad, imposes changes in you, your feelings, and every aspect of your life. Priorities change, complacency comes and goes, habits form and awareness is blinded. So there are too many obstacles for having “fallen out of love” that are actually unavoidable, yet controllable.
From another insightful marriage blogger, she mentioned in her post “Why Date Night Takes Priority Over Family Night” that
so many things in our lives compete for our time, but our husbands shouldn’t be one of them.
-Ayanna (21 Flavors of Splendor)
With that, through the changes in life you will both inevitably endure, the point of marriage is not to rely solely on a feeling to define the existence of love.
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Needing therapy is not a sign of marital failure, or being weak
I know there are perfectly healthy couples who take on regular therapy for the sake of it being what simply works for them.
We’re human beings – we’re not going to get marriage right all the time.
It’s difficult to do right by ourselves, so how can we expect perfection otherwise.
Unfortunately there’s an undermined meaning to “marriage counseling” or “therapy” as being connected to failure. Feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment or pride make up much of the resistance to professional help within marriage. Some treat it has having basically filed for Love Bankruptcy.
That if a couple has reached the point of seeking outside the marriage for help, it’s likely the end of the road or last resort.
Out of the billions in this world, you chose one person to learn and grow in a commitment that stands the test of time. I think that faith alone is more reason to embrace help when needed as a sign of strength and honor. The strength to do whatever it takes to make marriage work.