The Worst Dating Advice I Ever Received [+ Totally Ignored!]

Woah, hey, stop right there – what you’re about to read may be shocking. Can’t say I didn’t warn you, so if you can manage a little sour taste in the mouth, then let’s goooo. Besides, the truth isn’t always comfy, so if you struggle with feeling convicted and sitting with discomfort then there are bigger issues than what’s in this post.

Truthfully – I didn’t date a lot. I was picky and choosy about who I wanted to give my time and effort. I hated the short-lived dating game. I wasn’t the “why the hell not” whether-I-see-something-long-term-or-not type, either.

If I wasn’t looking for something serious (an exclusively monogamous r-e-l-a-t-i-o-n-s-h-i-p), I wasn’t looking at all. I was a one-guy-at-a-time and friendship-forward-first kind of girl. If you don’t know what that means: I didn’t date multiple people at once (at least not after the first or second date) and I initially focused on finding/building that emotional connection rather than skipping or leading to the physical (chemistry) to find that “spark”.

So when I dated, I did so with the intent of a relationship. But I do have those to thank – who taught me all that I know now than what I knew before them. So,

Thank you to the guy who told me I was too high maintenance. My standards and expectations when it comes to a relationship are NOT “materialistic”; not only are they the same as they were then, but they’re even deeper rooted.

Thank you to the guy who said I was never going to be their light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t want to be someone’s saving grace/”savior”, I wanted to be someone’s person, and you taught me that I do not/should not [need to] perform in order to be CHOSEN.

Thank you to the guy who made it clear to me that I needed to find my own worth, and that it was never going to come from a man. Instead of being heartbroken by you – I was empowered to be better, and do better.

And thank you to the guys who non-verbally told me I deserved better – you succeeded, I’ll give you that.

I learned some of the best from my previous relationships – hands down. But I also received some of the worst dating advice from others – advice I can bet you’ve heard before, too.

Therefore, I began to question everything; sometimes leaving me confused as to what was really up, down, left, right and wrong. And much of this terrible advice is STILL continuously floating from lip to lip today. In hopes that I can inspire change in your love life, here is why I completely went off the wall and ignored some of the worst dating advice I was given.

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The Worst Dating Advice I Ever Received [+ Totally Ignored!]

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“You just need a nice guy in your life.”

I didn’t need a “nice guy” in my life, I needed a good-hearted man. Not someone who feels the need to inform me that he is “one of the nice guys“, either.

I wasn’t looking for a lukewarm comparison that says, “Pick me! Pick me!” I wasn’t down to be played by a wolf in sheep’s fur.

A genuinely nice guy will treat a woman the way he knows is right – without having to exploit it, let alone expect an award or standing ovation for it. I don’t need convincing or reminding of a man who knows how to do right by a woman – just do it. Actions will paint a truer picture of someone’s character.

“Don’t give up on him just because of x, y, and z.”

Sure, this ultimately depends on what x, y and z are. We’re always encouraged to work through our relationship problems, and in marriage, you can’t [shouldn’t] just buy out simply because of disagreements. What would even be the point if no one in this world is destined to be PERFECT?

Yet, if x, y and z aren’t sincere human mistakes – then they are deliberate excuses.

The difference? Mistakes are not intentional or predetermined. They are generally met with accountability and remorse – a lesson learned and [hopefully] not repeated twice.

Repetitive mistakes, on the other hand, is called emotional laziness. This ultimately does become a choice. So if he forgets your number the first time – that’s a mistake – but the second and third round is plain disrespect. *Though I wouldn’t blame you if forgetting a first time completely turns you off!

I was, however, always a three-strikes-you’re-out kind of girl, but had a zero-tolerance policy for cheating and any form of abuse. Because if someone cares that little to cheat, what does that say as far as their will for commitment and loyalty 10, 15, 25, or 50 years down the road?

There are just some things deemed unacceptable and don’t deserve second chances in my book.

“If you aren’t sleeping with him, he will find someone who will.”

I mean – is that supposed to be a threat? TBH, I can just as easily spin that the other way around. If he won’t respect my wishes to wait, I will find someone who will.

Look, I take sex fairly seriously – not casually. For me, it’s a very private, intimate thing. I needed to feel [emotionally] safe in order for pandora’s box to unveil itself. So, yeah, a guy had to earn that key.

Therefore, why would I EVER feel inclined to give away free samples before I’m ready…in order to keep him interested? Regardless of having my own sexual needs, as a woman, did I honestly think offering up the icing and cherry on top would undoubtedly make him stick around for the whole cake?

If him not having his cake and eating it too was a deal-breaker, then I held the door wide open for him. I wasn’t looking for a relationship where sexual priorities were a required ingredient or used as a way to “test the waters“. A healthy relationship is not built on sexual connection, and it sure as hell isn’t what keeps a relationship together for the right reasons, either.

Lust is not the gateway to Love.

“Love hurts sometimes.”

No – no, it doesn’t. Love can bring discomfort, but it never inflicts pain. Love is Loving. Love doesn’t inflict pain, people do.

Love can often be disappointing, misunderstood, or raw at times but it never inflicts pain, suffering, or hurt. For instance, Love can convict us (which can be uncomfortable for many), so Love may actually be triggering because it act as a mirror, informing us of the very things we need to [heal] work on.

Also, Love is not a feeling. It is a verb, an action – it’s what you do, not what you feel.

There is no Love in cheating, lying, or abuse. Because we’ve heard cheaters, liars, and abuser claim to Love the person they cheat on, lie to, and abuse. Nobody lies, cheats, or purposefully inflicts pain onto you because they Love you. So when we often hear that “Love can hurt sometimes“, we misinterpret that as what we are to withstand or endure in relationships instead of understanding the real definition of Love.

“If you’re withholding (or dangling the bait), you’re playing hard to get.”

What was once called “The Chase“, behaviors that are now considered “playing hard to get” have been given a toxic reputation, and rightfully so. Yet, The Chase and Playing Hard to Get are still so vastly different, but unfortunately have been corrupt and misunderstood.

Today they both constitute as manipulative mind games. But let it be known, people are still all about it even when they preach otherwise. And most of the time I find this to be a teeter-totter of double standards. Meaning, if he wants to treat the relationship as something casual, this is considered acceptable and normal. But if you do, you’re playing hard to get.

If he’s withdrawn, hot and cold, or wishy-washy, this is to be expected (since he is a man, and “boys will be boys”) and therefore considered normal. If you are, you’re playing hard to get.

If he texts you sporadically, it’s automatically concluded he’s just not a talker (or texter) and that he’s [rightfully] honoring his personal space. If you do, you’re playing hard to get.

If he does or says anything that makes you feel insecure or have doubt, it’s directed as being your fault for being insecure or it’s your responsibility for not gaining clarity. If he feels insecure, it’s because you’re playing hard to get.

If he won’t go further [sexually] with you (past a certain point), with or without reason, this is seen as respectful and admirable. If you won’t, with or without reason, you’re playing hard to get.

If he keeps his past or private life guarded, or refuses to be open and transparent with you, it’s deemed as his privacy that you’re required to adhere respectfully. If you do, you’re playing hard to get.

If he has other priorities in his life (other than you), this is considered healthy and respectable. If you do, you’re playing hard to get.

Nobody is innocent here, yet often times certain behaviors are taken majorly out of context to fit a specific, self-benefitting narrative. No matter, the difference is that mind games are deceptive, deliberate, and pernicious (harmful), while The Chase is explicitly defined as [more traditional] behaviors within courtship.

This means “dangling the bait” has mutated and been redefined over time with malicious connotations. But frankly, I went against that hard grain that exists today because I genuinely believe there’s a way to uphold The Chase without being misleading, disingenuous, manipulative, and devious.

“You need to lower your standards if you EVER want to find someone.”

Ew-boy. Let me save you the trouble in understanding this one by saying: it is never worth lowering your standards in order to have someone in your life, otherwise what you are essentially doing is comprosing your worth for the sake of having someone.

Standards are NOT the same as your expectations, so make sure not to confuse the two. A standard is, for example, [desiring] someone who can [financially] take care of himself; an expectation is [needing] someone who will meet or exceed your material and financial needs.

By lowering your standards, you are essentially doing yourself a disservice.

“So he cheated once in the past – give him a chance.”

I could say we shouldn’t penalize someone for their behavior or choices from a previous relationship, because hopefully everyone can learn from their mistakes and take accountability for their decisions. Yet, honestly, there are just some things (based on individual values and preferences) that are simply not worth taking a gamble. This is entirely subjective, so one person might deem it acceptable to date someone who, for instance, got out of prison for aggrevated assault.

For me, a history of violence is a history, but I am someone who does not carry the emotional capacity to deal with that kind of history. I still believe a person who is truly remorseful and has repented is worthy of mercy and forgiveness, but those were shoes I did not prefer to fill. And it doesn’t end there, that goes for infidelity of any kind as well.

For a good comparison, I would never seek out, let alone date a married man, in the middle of a divorce or not. Many people today don’t seem to have a problem doing this, and it’s striking to me because they’re denying the bigger picture in that scenario. Who’s to say he won’t turn around and do the very same thing to you if he’s willing to do that to his wife?

This has nothing to do with forgiving, judging, or accepting someone for their past (when it had no direct impact on me), it’s simply a matter of what isn’t worth entertaining in my book.

“He’s just busy – stop overthinking it.”

When I received this advice the person told me to wait it out when he should have said to let him go. Sorry, but there’s a difference between someone who takes initiative in making plans to see you and someone who gets in touch only to remind you that he hasn’t forgotten about you.

This is the guy that will tell you, “I know my work schedule is crazy – I really can’t wait to see you – I just don’t know when I’ll be free next.” Yet, he’s clearly out and about with the guys no problem (by way of Insta stories) and taking it upon himself to claim that his schedule weeks out is nonexistent, or not up for grabs. For me, that’s his way of saying, “I don’t want to make plans that far in advanced because something better may come up.“

He’s not busy – he’s stringing you along by dental floss. And he doesn’t really care if it snaps because he’ll keep on walkin’ until someone else takes a hold of what he’s putting out. This is called bread-crumbing. He’s giving you juuuuust enough to make you think he’s interested but only in a way that is accommodating for him. 

I am guilty of saying that every woman should strive for an ambitious, well-established man (that’s still true), but let’s not forget that it’s not about having time for someone… it’s about making time. This means, yes, it involves a little sacrifice in his “busy life”.

“If the butterflies go away – it means the relationship has fizzled.”

Not true – at all. You know who are the kind of people that say that? Those who associate chaos with connection and chemistry for compatibility. Not only that but they can’t stand when a relationship exposes the parts of themselves they’ve worked hard and long to avoid facing.

It IS possible to always feel the butterflies with someone. BUT, it is just as likely, if not more, not to at some point. We could argue that the butterfly feels aren’t exactly healthy, either. This still doesn’t mean the relationship has fizzled. So we need to stop associating butterflies with the “spark”, and that when the butterflies are gone so is the spark.

Like a hormone in our body – we aren’t ALWAYS producing it, or enough of it, especially not on its own. So in relationships, the butterflies may seem so natural at first – effortless, in fact – but over time may require more effort. The same way exercising produces endorphins.

I would be lying if I said that I always feel the butterflies in my marriage. In fact, I would say over the last 10 years together the butterflies have grown quiet because I genuinely feel they’ve been replaced with peace. That, in itself, feels infinitely better than the butterflies ever did.

“Don’t text back right away – you’ll seem too available.”

To respond in .698 seconds, or wait 4.922 hours – that is ALWAYS the question. Here’s the truth: you’re damned if you do or damned if you don’t. 

If you hold out – again, here it is – you’re playing hard to get. It is what it is. As much as everyone is entitled to a life not glued to their phone, or responding to it, too bad so sad. Welcome to the future of instant gratification and all that isn’t socially acceptable anymore.

If you answer too soon, you’re too vacant, desperate, or overbearing. This also is what it is. With instant gratification and social access to the world attached at your hip (literally), it can also leave those questioning your emotional capacity and self-control. Like in relationships and life in general. You know, for instance, he may question how you can talk or text so often during work, or why your schedule seems so flexible and open – as if you [literally] have nothing else [better] to do.

So this is pretty much a lose-lose scenario here. The simple answer would be to stop overthinking it, and just do you. You shouldn’t have to count the minutes between texts, nor should you feel you have to [consistently] neglect or over-extend yourself just to respond back, either. Like, “Hold up, boss, I know we’re in the middle of this important meeting, but if I don’t respond to this guy I’m dating right now…I’m going to get an earful later about how they had to go 3 hours without hearing from me (even though they know I’m working), and I don’t want them to think I’m cheating or something.”

And you think I’m kidding – that’s a prime example of how sad and real this whole texting thing has gotten today. When the fear of losing them becomes the default (in all that you say and do), it’s no longer serving you in a healthy way – just saying.

For me, I didn’t worry about how soon I texted back. I also didn’t worry if it had been hours since replying, whether it was me or them. So if you wouldn’t whip out your phone to text – or better yet answer a call – in the middle of an important work meeting or when you’re spending time with friends, then we need to better grasp what it means to value our time without taking it personally when others value theirs.

“To keep him you need to show him you would make a good wife.”

First of all, I don’t know if you know this but God made women for men to be their helper. Relationships – specifically, marriage – is designed for [to benefit] men. OHHHH YEAH, went there. So if men are the ones who, obviously, need the help, then I don’t need to prove myself.

Okay, okay, in all seriousness, now. The opposite has actually become the push today, if not already the norm – to show men that women don’t need them, like, at all. And while I am against that 1000%, I will say that men have always seemed to flourish with a “challenge” – they like feeling needed while providing or accomplishing something. I’m not saying they want someone who is combative and difficult, but I’m also not saying they need someone who is spineless and easy, either.

I do believe they like someone who challenges them, but I also believe there are too many boyfriends openly given husband privileges.

You can “show” wife-ly qualities without actively treating the relationship like a marriage. Because if you weren’t aware, there’s a reason the two are vastly separate. Like many women, more men also don’t want to get married, claiming that there’s nothing in it for them. So if you have to perform as being an “honest woman” in order for him to “settle down” and make that commitment, then why get married?

“Just pretend you have a life – you’ll seem more interesting.”

Pretend? So, I’m expected to lie and fake my way into gaining his interest?

What about when someone finally gets to know me – like, really knows me. Do I just continue to live out the falsified version of myself who cooks elaborate meals, has tons of friends I hang out with multiple times a week, attends happy hour after work on Fridays, volunteers at the Human Society, and works out three days a week like clockwork?

No, of course not. LOL, because that would make me a fake!

If you are adventurous and spunky, that will show. If you’re lying about it then that eventually will show, too. So why do we think we have to pretend to be someone we’re not in order to be more interesting (especially to someone we like)? If you exaggerate or falsify parts of yourself or about who you are, you’re only hurting yourself in the end when A. the person finds out it’s all a lie (or an exaggertion), B. they lose interest because you “changed” (when in reality you just slowly dwindled from being this made-up person to being the real you), or C. they actually like (or fall in love with) the person you pretend to be, which leaves you stuck between a rock and a hard place since the person they’re falling for isn’t even the real you.

“If you act like you don’t care, you’ll never actually get hurt.”

First of all – not true. If you enter a relationship with someone with zero gives whatsoever, you’re actually only hurting yourself more. Why? Because you’re subconsciously telling yourself what you deserve – or, moreover, what you don’t…which is an authentic, loving connection.

Self-healing is your responsibility, not anyone else’s – not the previous guy, or the next. So by chugging along in the dating realm with a piss poor attitude, or low-quality energy, you think someone will buckle at the knees for you. I promise you will either attract the wrong type of people in your life, or you’ll wind up rejected by the right people.

“Just be yourself.”

I both agree and disagree with this one. Being “myself” implies that I should not only be comfortable around someone at my worst, which is absolutely true, but also that I should be comfortable being my worst around someone. Ehhhhh, we gotta be careful with how we use that last part.

This could also undervalue the significance of first impressions. Sure, we ultimately want to be seen and loved for our imperfections, but we also shouldn’t glamorize them, either. We need to be able to find that balance in authenticity while still making a conscious effort. After all, we are all in hopes – at least, we should be – of attracting a high-quality partner, right?

This means we also need to measure up.

“Don’t ask him how he feels about you – you’re being needy and clingy.”

IDK, maybe it’s just me, but dating has really made me learn that there are NO stupid questions, ever. You’re always better off asking, no matter what.

Anxiously waiting around for his text back (whilst still incessantly texting him), stalking his workplace just because, or over-analyzing some old posts or photos on his social media, for mere examples, are considered the extreme in neediness and clinginess.

Honestly, if you genuinely need his reassurance, we shouldn’t be making a big deal of it. And you shouldn’t need to justify asking for it. I did a lot of tiptoeing in many of my low-value relationships (*that were unhealthy and toxic as hell), which actually made our problems worse if not created more. So, ladies, tell them what you need. And for the men out there spelling out their desire for a s-t-r-a-i-g-h-t u-p woman, that is exactly what I am telling her to be – straight up. Therefore, guys need to do a better job at keeping their ego in check when she expresses to you that she doesn’t feel like you care about her.

“He hasn’t texted you back in 3 days – big deal – maybe he’s not a talker.”

He’s not big on communicating, period. He’s also not keen on making you a priority. It’s called consideration, respect and plain ole’ he-actually-cares kind of effort. If he truly likes you, his texting etiquette will show.

He could be on a cruise for 3 days – trust me, the guy that’s interested would make that collect call for $25 to let you know that he won’t be in reach for a few days (just saying, from personal experience). At the very least, he would be open with you about his “inconsistent” texting habit – meaning, he’s informing you of a way OUT if you’re not down with his communication inconsistency. *You’re welcome*

YET, there are still those who hold onto more traditional values and approach to dating. If you matter he won’t wait 3 days, let alone sunrise to sunset to get back with you somehow, someway.

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“When you don’t feel the physical connection anymore – just dump him.”

OK, and when you have a bad day at work – just quit.

Same thing. And if you lived that way, you’d never keep a stable job let alone grow within a company [move up, create seniority]. So when a light bulb burns out, are you going to just buy another house? No, you’re going to fix the light bulb!

You can’t expect a garden to flourish when the soil goes bone dry. To have a garden, in the first place, you need all the right preparations in order for flowers to bloom. There’s weeding, tilling, feeding the soil, and daily watering.

Am I saying that people tend to take the easy way out? No, of course not. But do I think we’re being desensitized to what may be necessary or required to make something work [optimally]? Yes, because we’re all about promoting efficiency. Just take a look at certain goods today – like appliances (IYKYK) – and how often they have to be replaced because of their low-quality parts and how cheaply they’re made. Instead of trying to fix appliances today, because that’s more costly if they [inevitably] break sooner and more frequently, it’s easier to just simply cough up the money to buy a new one.

And we’re literally treating people in the same manner.

[Related Read: 3 Ways To Connect With Your SO + 130 FREE Re-connection Questions]

“You need to wear your heart on your sleeve.”

I know, this sounds like I’m contradicting myself and going from one extreme to another. That’s because I am.

Listen, just because something is “Good” doesn’t mean it’s always “Beneficial”. So just because the first date went great – like, he’s THE ONE, great – that doesn’t necessarily mean we should go ahead and put all of our eggs into one basket. Establishing a connection (for one thing) and sustaining it are two very different things, yet both are a slow process.

Contrary to what many believe, Love doesn’t work like a light switch. That whole Love at first sight thing isn’t a guarantee, much less authentic or *healthy, and it shouldn’t dictate relationship success or potential. Regardless, many are pretty quick to unleash the floodgates, pouring their heart and soul out, because “why hold out on possibly something ‘Great’?“

Wearing your heart on your sleeve is a good thing – it means you value vulnerability and are open to Love. But you do have to be careful that wearing your heart on your sleeve isn’t the leading to or result of *trauma-bonding. Go ahead and look that one up for yourself.

“If you think he’s cheating, you’re entitled to know.”

Be careful with this one. You have a right to know. But that doesn’t mean you are entitled [to certain things]. Yes, I said it.

Oftentimes I think that if you sense your significant other is cheating, it means you already fell victim to poor treatment long before it. Meaning, there were likely red flags or fairly obvious clues [unresolved conflict, unfair treatment, unhealthy patterns] that were missed. *Granted, this isn’t always the case. But more times I think people look back, after the fact, and realize what they failed to “see”.

So when I say you aren’t entitled to certain things, it means I do not necessarily [fully] believe the saying, “It becomes my business when business involves me.” The reality is that if you are worried your partner is cheating, your are to address the issue and your concerns. If you have enough evidence that points to they are cheating, you have two choices: to address the issue and your concerns (providing your evidence), then either stay OR leave…whether your partner admits or denies it!

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, you can’t make someone BE accountable. With that, you do not have entitled access to their property or privacy, such as their DMs, texts or emails. If they refuse to take accountability or offer transparency, then you must make a decision for yourself (and the relationship) from where you stand.

Someone’s level of integrity is all the proof you should need.