One of the most difficult yet inevitable moments in relationships are dealing with conflict. Nobody actually enjoys arguing with their SO (well, some do, which is a whole other thing), but it’s part of our natural instincts to either 1. Find a solution, 2. Run away from the problem or 3. Seek validation from others about how we feel.
The goal in resolving conflict is to maintain CONNECTION – to acknowledge, understand and validate one another’s perspective without compromising intimacy.
Sure, that isn’t always easy – I hear you.
Personally, I think we ALL have a listening problem. It’s not necessarily that we are deaf to our partner speaking, but we are hard of actually hearing what they are telling us (outside of our own little corner of the world). So you may be someone has made your best attempt at resolving issues time and time again – all ending in failure or disaster. You might be wrapped up in trying to get our unheard feelings and unmet needs across, all the while making the situation worse off. Oftetimes both partners wind up being completely misunderstood.
[Related Read: He Won’t Listen To Me – 10 Tactics To Being Heard In Your Relationship]
I’m learning that conflict in my marriage is a process – not something to be rushed, squashed by a simple exchange of words or swept under the rug through affection, kind gestures or toxic positivity. And you know how they say “never go to bed angry”? While I do agree you shouldn’t be going to bed angry all the time, but reality just doesn’t work like that. There are times we have learned to fold our issues into an un-licked envelope, set aside our differences to kiss one another goodnight, and promise to pick back up where we left off the next day. It mean the issue at hand simply disappears. There has been conflict in my marriage that took days to process emotionally and discuss proactively in order to reach, uncover or discover the root cause. Or to find that common ground we can both stand on without compromising intimacy, which is super important.
In this 8 step process, you will learn what it takes to overcome obstacles in your relationship by focusing on CONNECTION (which is where couples usually destroy in conflict). You can also download a FREE Conflict Resolution Exercise Guide (at the bottom of this post).
*This post contains affiliate links. If you purchase through these links, I will receive a teeny weeny commission!*
8 Important steps to resolve conflict in relationships
![How To Resolve Conflict With Your Spouse [Through 8 Simple Steps] | How to properly communicate with your spouse in order to improve conflict resolution | When fighting with your significant other, the first priority is resolution | When arguing with your partner is ruining your relationship | Maintain a healthy relationship through conflict resolution | #healthyrelationships #datingtips #marriageadvice | theMRSingLink](https://i0.wp.com/themrsinglink.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/Resolve-Conflict-With-Your-Spouse-By-Learning-These-8-Simple-Steps-pin.jpg?resize=600%2C900&ssl=1)
1 | Mutually and openly discuss the issue(s) in your relationship.
Improvement in communication won’t be an overnight change. It can take days, weeks, months or years for those to fully be willing to understand and value the meaning of proper communication. Much of which has to do with how much the relationship is valued, and being open to change in the relationship.
The first change is being able to openly express your immediate thoughts, feelings, and concerns with one another. Being comfortable in that aspect will open the gateway to better communication in resolving conflict with your spouse.
2 | Be able to discuss these issues in a calm, collected, helpful manner
No finger pointing, blaming, yelling, or resentful behavior such as tit for tat. Resolving conflicts in a relationship and marriage require two mature adults.
If this seems to be a struggle in terms of communication and resolving conflict with your spouse, the first piece of advice I can offer is the “do unto others” approach. Because rarely is communication ever successful when two people create a bitter environment full of tension.
Again, improvement isn’t expected overnight. This change is dependent on how much the relationship is valued, and being open to change.
3 | Learn and apply the LUVE phase
Listen –
And I’m talking about active listening – not “listening with the intent to speak”. This is the time to allow your spouse the chance to express their emotions, feelings, and reasoning – without receiving interruption, correction or negative feedback.
Each spouse should receive the chance to speak their side (not in response to what the other spouse said), while the other actively listening. To actively listen means you are taking in the emotions and message your spouse conveys, allowing to open yourself to the idea of there being two sides to every story – whether who is right or wrong.
In conflict, it isn’t about who is right or wrong (you’re not in high school anymore). It’s about finding a solution.
EXAMPLE.
Wife: It frustrates me to no end clothes are left on the floor. I feel like I am your mother, not a wife, and it offends me. I feel disrespected from it all.
During that time, the husband should be actively listening without the intent to speak, interrupt, correct or give negative feedback. And the chance to speak their side is reciprocated.
Husband: I work so hard. I do so much for us that I feel it’s always ignored and forgotten. I am frustrated that the little bit of bad outweighs the good that I do. And it makes me feel degraded as a husband – when my greatest efforts are to provide and be appreciated for it.
During that time, the wife should be actively listening without the intent to speak, interrupt, correct or give negative feedback. Once each have both spoken and listened to each side, move on to the next phase.
*It is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is not about winning, or playing the victim. It is about each realizing the center of the problem, that there are two sides to every story, and coming together towards a resolution.
Understand –
This is the moment where each verbalize the understanding of one another’s feelings, emotions, thoughts and opinions. Yes, whether you want to, or not. Yes, whether you truly understand, or not.
The intent to understand may not be that you agree with what they are feeling or saying, but that you are verbally opening yourself to listen and further leading to empathize with how they feel. The key in this phase is that there should never be the use of “BUT” in your response.
EXAMPLE.
Wife: I understand that you are frustrated, and that you do not feel appreciated. And I know first hand how hard you work to provide for us.
During that time, the husband should be actively listening without the intent to speak, interrupt, correct or give negative feedback. And the chance to speak is reciprocated.
Husband: I understand why you are upset. I can see why you would be feeling disrespected.
During that time, the wife should be actively listening without the intent to speak, interrupt, correct or give negative feedback. Once each have both spoken and listened to each side, move on to the next phase.
*It is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is not about winning, or playing the victim. It is about each realizing the center of the problem, that there are two sides to every story, and coming together towards a resolution.
Validate –
As a spouse, we want to know that what we say is being heard. We want assurance that we are able to speak without being judged, rejected or ignored. All of which are major indications of poor communication in relationships when present.
The validation phase is actually quite simple, once understanding has been followed through. It is basically reiterating what your spouse has told you in the listening phase. Many times, when we express our frustrations to our spouse – we want to know that they were listening. It’s the acceptance and recognition of our spouse’s feelings, emotions, thoughts and opinions – even when we do not fully agree or understand.
EXAMPLE.
Wife: I know you are disappointed. I can sense your frustrations in my lack of appreciation for how hard you work, and that you are hurt when that recognition is ignored or forgotten.
During that time, the husband should be actively listening without the intent to speak, interrupt, correct or give negative feedback. And the chance to speak is reciprocated.
Husband: I can see that you feel disrespected by my leaving of clothes on the floor. I know that it frustrates you that my actions make you feel less of a wife.
During that time, the wife should be actively listening without the intent to speak, interrupt, correct or give negative feedback. Once each have both spoken and listened to each side, move on to the next phase.
*It is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is not about winning, or playing the victim. It is about each realizing the center of the problem, that there are two sides to every story, and coming together towards a resolution.
Empathize –
This is often the most difficult area for many couples, especially in the heat of an argument or when an argument is one sided (meaning, there is only conflict between one spouse). Empathy is simply the awareness of feelings and emotions in others, whether or not you agree with that person’s feelings or emotions.
Empathy isn’t necessarily expressed in words, but having empathy is the ability to understand and be able to share the feelings of another. Empathy differs from sympathy in a way that you are “putting yourself in that person’s shoes”, even if you don’t necessarily understand their feelings. Having sympathy is to pity, or feel sorrow for another.
Basically, acknowledge the fact that your feelings and emotions aren’t the only ones that matter in your relationship. The goal here is to show your spouse that their feelings (different from yours) are also valued.
EXAMPLE.
Wife: I realize why you are vividly upset. I would be upset with me, too, if I was constantly avoided of appreciation. I know how that can feel when the good is constantly overlooked by the bad. I am sorry to have made you feel that way.
During that time, the husband should be actively listening without the intent to speak, interrupt, correct or give negative feedback. And the chance to speak is reciprocated.
Husband: I realize that some of the things I do frustrate you. It would feel expected of me, too, if I was constantly having to pick up after you. I know that would be disrespectful in my eyes as well. I am sorry to have made you feel that way.
During that time, the wife should be actively listening without the intent to speak, interrupt, correct or give negative feedback. Once each have both spoken and listened to each side, move on to the next phase.
*It is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is not about winning, or playing the victim. It is about each realizing the center of the problem, that there are two sides to every story, and coming together towards a resolution.
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4 | Mutually come to a resolution
Resolution can be mutual self improvement goals, compromise or changes implicated in order to satisfy both parties. As long as it is of mutual understanding and agreement, and establishes an effort in change – that’s a giant step in the right direction!
Now, some arguments may be petty – such as who takes the trash out – while others more serious, like differences in the raising of your child. Many arguments are caused by hurtful or wrongful words or behavior, as well long stems of avoided resentment over time. This is why it is important to address issues right away, not allow them to dwell in the back of your mind.
Either way, you’re bound to run into conflict and disagreement in your relationship – it wouldn’t be called a relationship if you didn’t. You’re not going to agree on everything.
And there is always, always, always a solution to every conflict – so don’t think your relationship is doomed for failure.
- Compromise: this is, you know, how marriage works – you compromise, on everything. You’re not going to get your way all the time. You made the vow to consolidate with your spouse – not make decisions solely on your own when it should be made by the both of you.
- Talking it out: I know there are couples out there that simply just do not know how to talk! Talk! Talk! Talk! Sometimes it might require listing pros and cons together, or how the situation benefits or negatively affects one another. It may be that one will need to let go of their pride and settle on agreeing to disagree. Like I have said – don’t expect to get your way 100% of the time. The objective is not to be “right”, or “win” the argument. It is to be heard, listened to, validated and empathized.
- Seek professional help: Don’t be ashamed of this! That is why they exist – to help get you and your spouse through difficult situations. Nobody was born absolutely, perfectly capable of resolving every Tom, Dick and Harry of conflict. And nobody should expect perfection – it’s a learning process for all couples!
If you’re that shy about getting help from a physical human being, be open to reading some books to engage your relationship on resolving the issue. Sometimes it’s not the actual problem itself, but something deeper within the relationship that starts all those petty arguments. Remember that.
And I’m always convinced that every couple should start out their long-term relationship or marriage reading The Five Love Languages. Not only do I swear by this book to help in preventing conflicts from arising in the future, but it changes your outlook on the meaning of your relationship (if you allow it!).
- Take the reflection approach: Not many couples openly do this, but in the case where you and your spouse tend to argue repeatedly, frequently or without warning – this might be a benefit to you. The self approach requires a cooling off period for both spouses (some time physically apart, or time without conversing on the subject matter) – whether that be an hour or 24 hours.
In conflict, it’s generally our first instinct to point fault in our spouse, without ever considering our own (whether the argument is one sided or not). Take this time to reflect on yourself, not continually drill into your mind all the things your spouse did, said, won’t say, won’t do – yada yada ya. You can’t change that, anyway, but you can change you.
Think about why you feel what you feel, and how you could have contributed to the escalation of the issue, and the issue itself. As referred above, try to empathize with your spouse on the current issue. Doing this exercise doesn’t excuse or condone behavior that has caused pain, anger or frustration in the relationship, but rather is geared towards recognizing a better you in your relationship.
5 | Schedule one-on-one time for communication
The only way to get better at anything is with practice, right? Sometimes practice doesn’t always flow naturally or easy at first. Don’t feel guilty for having to make a “schedule” for one-on-one time to talk.
Does this mean having the “Have I done anything wrong today? Have I done anything to piss you off? What do I need to fix now?” conversation? No, no no no. Practice in communication isn’t about ‘fixing one another’. It is about being open with each other – actively listening and engaging in conversation without distractions, being expressive in your feelings and learning how to openly and effectively communicate your feelings to your spouse.
There might not even be anything wrong at the time – take the time to express the good in your relationship!
6 | Leave the past in the past (don’t rehash)
For the sake of improving your relationship and bettering yourself, it’s important that once you have chosen to forgive – letting go and moving on is then established and accepted.
I see it far too many times, where they “forgive” their spouse yet their following behavior says otherwise. They hold that forgiveness above their spouse’s head, while making the relationship difficult to improve by failing to understand that forgiveness also means “letting go of all previous resentment, hurt or anger”.
“Well he cheated – granted, I forgave him – but I remind him of that because he needs to know how lucky he is that he got another chance in the first place…”
You know what that sounds like to me? A toxic relationship – full of poisonous, contagious resentment, fake apologies, efforts and emotions and manipulative entitlement.
That’s not genuine forgiveness – don’t get it twisted, people.
That’s saying, “I accepted his apology, allowing him that second chance, but I don’t want him to think I have just let him off the hook for what he did.”
There’s no moving forward in that, and your spouse will have no room to grow towards improvement if he is constantly set up to fail in your eyes. The point of forgiveness, and making the choice in forgiving your spouse, is starting with a clean slate or blank canvas. When you make the choice to truly “forgive“, you make that commitment to not letting it affect your view on your spouse and the relationship from there on out.
[Related Read: 10 Petty Arguments You Will Likely Have In Every Relationship]
7 | Learn to pick your battles wisely
Is it really worth the fight that he forgot to put soap in the dishwasher? Or that he couldn’t read your mind as far as what to bring home to eat? You’d be surprised that a lot more arguments arise over the things people want the most control over – the things that affect them directly, not pertaining to their relationship. Some do this out of the mere fact they have nothing to argue about within the relationship – so they go picking for imperfections.
The petty things – the hair on the soap, the empty toilet paper roll, or the imperfect folded towels stuffed in the closet. First off, men are hairy (check out the floor next time – I bet you will find most of your hair), they probably don’t use toilet paper every time they use the bathroom (let’s be real here – ick!), and hey, give him credit for doing the laundry (there’s your silver lining).
Had you thought about thanking him for making the effort to taking the laundry out of the dryer and initiating putting it away (even if it wasn’t done to your standards)? I bet you from a few times of that – he’ll start cleaning his hair off the soap, at least grabbing an extra roll for in the bathroom and putting away laundry more often!
Ask yourself, does this directly affect your relationship? If you answered “yes” because it drives you up a wall, then ask yourself, will this drive me to end the relationship, or am I just simply expecting things to go my way? If you would sincerely consider ending the relationship over a hairy bar of soap – well, you’re going to be ending every relationship you’re in over something.
So tell yourself this, there are things I do that probably drive my spouse up the wall, too.
8 | When choosing your battles, start back at Step #1
And believe me, you will repeat this process over and over. Unfortunately, it’s inevitable. You can’t plan for it or predict it – but the best we can do is prepare for it when it arises rather than handling it like an Apocalypse. Running from it, hiding until it subsides, or go in full on attack mode without a strategic plan whatsoever. None of those ways will end well.
Recommended materials from this article:
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff – (Richard Carlson) – Amazon $8.75
The Five Love Languages – (Gary Chapman) – Amazon from $3.57+
GRAB THE CONFLICT RESOLUTION GUIDE – IT’S FREE!
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