I’ve always been the kind of person who tends to see both sides to everything. The good, bad and even the ugly. I overthink, a lot. Catch me on a topic I love…and it will have me going off on a tangent.
That’s probably why I really, REALLY wanted to have a blog that focuses on relationships. A relationship in itself has it’s own meaning, yet do we know the extent beyond our relationships? How about the one with yourself – your connection to the world around you, your family, friends, pets, career or life itself?
If there’s one thing about Love that I’ve learned over the years it’s that – other than Love’s nature to be good – it should never be constant (static or stagnant). I believe Love is meant to be fluid, free-flowing and ever-changing. It’s having the ability to grow, improve, change, learn and evolve. Love is not just about having an obvious (yet infinite) understanding of what is, but also a clear vision of what isn’t.
And if it’s true love, it will never make you feel..
if it’s true love it will never make you feel..
unworthy + undeserving
You are not meant to be treated as criteria to be met. The moment he has you questioning whether being more this or doing more that will win his approval is the moment you are no longer in the relationship for your happiness but solely his own.
Never allow him to treat you in a way that in order to be worthy of happiness you must check all the boxes or live up to his expectations over your own.
replaceable + reversible
There are billions of people in this world. Yet if he makes you feel like any other person could easily fulfill his needs, desires and happiness, then his intentions are to dispose of the relationship when given the opportunity. Being in a relationship is making the choice, to commit, as well as to value and honor that individual as being indispensable.
You are also not his build-a-woman – morphing and changing you as he sees fit. This is someone who is insecure with who they are as a person, yet “out of Love” will try to victimize his faults, flaws and insecurities at your expense. In reality he will likely never be happy in his love life if he cannot understand self acceptance and accepting others for who they are.
Love will never expect or condone you to twist your own image to fit someone’s liking.
insecure + inferior
Insecurity can be complex, because it can be tied by distrust but also be the result of abuse. Whether he constantly leaves you questioning his motives or doubting his authenticity and intentions, this can hinder your trust in the security of the relationship.
If he intentionally says or does things to make you feel insecure in yourself, or is careless towards your confidence and self esteem, then be rest assured that until he understands and fixes the underlying problem within himself this does not define a healthy, sustainable relationship.
Every relationship should be based on equality – meaning you are neither above or beneath one another. Sometimes those feelings of being secondary, or unimportant can seem like you’re being left simmering on the back burner.
Like you’re just not good enough to ride shot gun, and he undermines you for it.
That you’re just not as good of a cook as he is, you make less money than he does, or you simply can’t measure up to his abilities or level of success.
This is often disguised as double standards or vengeful behaviors like tit for tat. Inferiority is simply another way for control and manipulation (and can also be displayed in abusive behaviors). In Love you are supposed to treat your partner in such a way that makes them feel foremost, adept and free.
hopeless + powerless
I sure don’t know anyone who believes that an ideal relationship is one with a partner who instills nothing but discouragement and hopelessness. If it wasn’t for my husband’s utmost support in me to quit my job and start this blog, I don’t think I would have had the confidence or means to do it.
He saw my potential and walks alongside me through the struggles as well as my success.
Nobody – I mean nobody on this earth – has the right to make you feel broken or incapable, and treat you as so.
If he downplays every means of hope, improvement, success, change or positivity in his life, your own and in the relationship, then his true feelings for you (and the relationship) are pretty crystal clear.
untrustworthy + distrusting
Even in a seemingly perfect relationship, we are all imperfect. We make mistakes, as well as choices. Sometimes even ones we regret.
Our regretful and hurtful mistakes and choices can be at the expense of those we love. Trust – a fickle bitch, at that – only takes seconds to lose, yet can take a matter of years to get back.
Though we often forget that gaining back trust is a difficult process for both parties. Once trust is broken our natural instinct is to avoid being vulnerable, along with one very critical part we refuse to acknowledge in aid of distrust: forgiveness.
Without forgiveness we are not only stuck with the wall we build, but all the negative emotions behind it.
But I’m not here to tell you that everything is deemed forgivable, nor will I tell you what mistakes and choices should or shouldn’t be acceptable in your relationship.
We often forget that forgiveness does not correlate with trust, but it does affect our ability to rebuild it.
No healthy relationship can be rebuilt on a crippling foundation of trust. No matter what side of the fence you are on – being labeled as untrustworthy or in suspicion of deceit – trust is a choice.
To trust is a choice, and to be trustworthy is a choice. Each carry their own risks.
Some may never make that choice, and others will destroy their relationships simply for fearing it. Many will also fight through the hurt, and endure the pain caused by others again and again because they know that pain is temporary. It isn’t worth missing out on the greater good.
There may never be enough affirmation given or reassurance instilled to erase what broke trust in the first place, so in order to do so will require the steadfast choice.
You must learn to forgive (even yourself) and choose to trust if you ever want to rebuild or build on a new relationship.
On the flip side, when trust is being placed at risk, this is also a choice. So if he is unwilling to prove his integrity (by valuing your trust), then he is neglecting to put your best interest at heart.
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insignificant + invalidated
The key to any relationship is to never make your partner feel alone and invisible – especially when in their presence. Not only is that feeling incomprehensible, but one that entirely defies the true meaning of a relationship.
Your individual self, as a person, is not meant to be treated as an inconvenience in Love. If someone can make you feel the lowest possible of any low as a human being, that is not love.
That is emotional abuse.
Without even realizing it, a common issue in relationships is not having the ability to separate your emotions and feelings from your partner’s. To acknowledge that you both will differ – at some point and in all aspects of life and in your relationship – yet to respect those differences.
Your partner has no right to tell you how you should and shouldn’t feel just as much as it is not for him to wrong or shame you for how you feel.
In Love it is his desire to make you feel important, as well as acknowledging, valuing and respecting you as a partner, individual and living, breathing human being.
trapped + controllable
A relationship should never be suffocating, or leave you feeling unstable. Your partner should also never make you feel like you have no way out. Leaving the relationship or stepping beyond those bounds should not feel threatening – to you or your life.
Maybe he just has a way with words, or the things he does. Though in the end, once all is said and done, you feel like you caved against your will (from the fear in the pit of your stomach). You wind up feeling more regret or inhibited than before, and slowly begin to realize that you’re no longer in control of you anymore.
Know this: niceness can also be manipulating.
This is where the saying “Love has no bounds” comes into play. Love is supposed to be given freely (without conditions) as much as it should make your partner feel free.
unsafe + fearful (for your life)
No shit, right? Well, you’d be surprised.
You’d be very surprised what people will do – the lengths they will go and things they will believe – when they feel they have nothing left (no hope, value, self worth, confidence or esteem), no where else to go, nobody to turn to (who won’t judge carelessly) and were conditioned to this being considered “Love” through childhood, personal experiences and upbringing.
You’d be surprised how little someone’s understanding and competency between right and wrong in Love can be, yet they simply don’t know better.
While Love can cause what we believe to be pain (heartache), true love never hurts. Love also never compromises your safety (mind, well being and life).
unloved + unloving
In every relationship it is inevitable (if not to be expected) to experience some level of discontentment, so it’s important not to confuse that with being unloved or with unloving behavior.
Your partner is not responsible for your personal happiness. And vice versa.
He isn’t supposed to be the answer nor have all the answers (like that missing puzzle piece). He is not intended to be a fix-all solution (to complete you as a person, so to speak). Expecting so would mean expecting absolute perfection, and we all know that doesn’t exist.
But it helps if he simply cares, right?
You see, his job is to love you. Not to fix you, change you or complete you, but to learn to love you in the way that speaks loudest and brightest to you.
Being loved is so much more than my husband bringing me home flowers. It’s more than me thanking my husband for taking out of the trash. We need to not confine such a big word in a minuscule picture. My husband’s love is not determined by whether he brings me home flowers, but his willingness to listen, acknowledge, understand and apply the way(s) in which I feel most loved.
Love is not stubborn, nor does it withhold. So in order to truly love requires learning beyond what we think or know to be loving. Love goes beyond what we believe to be loving and how we desire to be loved, and it is about giving without limitations.
He is to see you as both the person you are and the person you become over a lifetime – encouraging, guiding and supporting you to complete yourself, while striving to be the best partner he can be for you.