How To Stop Overthinking In Life And Your Relationships

I never knew this, or really understood it until I heard it, but overthinking is an addiction. The more I thought about it, the more I sensed how my mind would go digging for worries (when I wasn’t stressed at all), and would be searching for something to think about (in the moments I was simply enjoying being in the moment).

Our minds can play awful tricks, but because we enable it to.

Confronting an issue is better than ignoring it, but overthinking everything in our lives is the poison to living a happy life. In fact, it is the opposite of effective problem solving – by overthinking you likely never spend the time solving the issue to begin with. Instead, in overthinking, we focus on the problem alone, as well as our emotions of the problem – causing further destruction on ourselves and in other aspects of our lives.

This is where we start creating negative thoughts, doubt, fear and every What-If scenario and outcome – in life and our relationships. In order to find our purpose and hold onto happiness in life, we must start by living presently and learn to overcome our addiction to obsess and overthink.

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How To Stop Overthinking In Life And Your Relationships

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become more aware of your thought process

Just the other day my mind was spinning for hours on end. I was in the middle of writing a post and suddenly couldn’t concentrate any longer – as 3, 4, 5 more irrelevant thoughts and worries consumed my mind. I had accomplished nothing those few hours, to say the least. It’s like when you are cleaning the house, but doing multiple things at once and never actually finishing a task because you keep piling on more things to try to get done all at once.

Overthinking can cause you to over-analyze, especially on the things that don’t really matter. I know first hand, when I am overthinking, it forces me to rush and over-exaggerate everything.

In terms of our relationships, when we constantly overthink every ounce and morsel, it can have more harmful effects than good. Even when it’s over-analyzing whether to text them first or what to say. 

So it’s crucial to be fully aware when you find yourself overthinking – even if you find yourself dwelling on one, single thought. Being able to acknowledge the discomfort or anxiousness you feel due to your thoughts is a necessary step.

When I catch myself, I tend to stop what I’m doing, step outside on our back patio and say to myself, “Carissa, you’re doing this overthinking sh*t, again.” It’s always that pivotal moment because I absolutely know it, too. I will even usually say aloud [to my thoughts], “Yup, there I go, again.“

Instead of convincing yourself to simply stop thinking about [said thought] – which actually doesn’t work as well as you think – remove yourself from the environment/activity that is causing you to overthink. Social media can be my big contender for my overthinking, mainly because I often feel that if I don’t utilize it then I am not being “social” enough. The truth is we should be disconnecting from the technological world more often and be more in tune with ourselves.

lean on positive affirmations

For over-thinkers, I think it’s safe to say we can allow our negative thoughts to outweigh the positive most of the time – whether that be in life and/or our relationships. In fact, we may be content until the moment something negative or out of the ordinary pops up in our lives – causing us to doubt or question everything.

“Things were smooth sailing until he did this, or said that. What if….?” Now, that one negative moment has seemingly destroyed the pure bliss you felt just 24 hours ago.

We need to come to an understanding that everything we tend to overthink won’t actualize – our ego likes to tell us stories and to convince ourselves that those stories are your reality. Not going to lie, my ego is a self-critical, cynical, debbie-downing b*tch more often than not, and she really enjoys pushing my buttons so that I cower over in desperate need of her “consoling” comfort.

So it’s really important to notice when your ego tends to detonate over each negativity you encounter, but yet disappears amidst all the good. Spend more time proactively focusing on appreciating the good and using positive affirmations that make you feel good about yourself and your relationship.

“He’s a really good listener – better than my girlfriends at times, in fact.“

“Whenever he sees me, he calls out ‘Hey, Beautiful’ – in my baggy sweats and all.“

A positive attitude and outlook will help keep you from submitting to negative thoughts and the inevitable What-Ifs our complicated minds can create.

reflect + refocus

Allowing yourself to incessantly dwell on your thoughts is damaging to your overall health. I’m telling you the stress will turn physical without you even realizing it. But if I said to quit overthinking cold turkey was easy, I’d be lying. Instead, I guess you could say I am learning to manage it as it happens instead of doing everything in my power to prevent it.

Again, because I would be overthinking ways in preventing it. [Light bulb moment]

You are in control of the moment that you realize you are overthinking, and you are empowered with the choice to change it.  Allow yourself the time to reflect on your thoughts, then refocus. But only reflect for an allotted amount of time. When that time is up, refocus your energy onto something else by changing your activity or environment. This practice trains your brain into realizing that stewing over your worries isn’t productive, nor does it actually solve the problem.

[Related Read: My Anxiety In A Nutshell – What Those Without It Need To Know]

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aim for rationality + clarity

Overthinking is like experiencing failure ahead of time. When in reality, if we were to ask ourselves if [said thought] would matter a year from now – I bet it wouldn’t.

Clearly it’s easy to make mountains out of molehills, especially in our relationships. So that fight you both had over hair being on the soap – which you are now eating yourself up about – likely hasn’t and won’t make a difference next year, let alone next week.

Much of overthinking stems from previous failures, hurt or “What-Ifs“. So we really aren’t allowing ourselves to live fully in the present. What happened yesterday no longer matters (the past cannot be changed), and there’s no sense in worrying about tomorrow since it has yet to happen (and cannot be predicted). The time we spend worrying over the future is time wasted on the now.

Which, in case you forgot, is something you can control right this instant.

By practicing clarity and rationality, you are allowing yourself to live in the now. Instead of thinking of everything that has gone or could go wrong, think of all the things that have gone and could go right.

In our relationships, it’s important to stay grounded and get clarity instead of doing all the guesswork (in our heads). We will spend so much time wondering,

“Does he really love me? He said he does, but he hasn’t been spending as much time with me…”

If you’re an over-thinker (like “muah”), then you probably come up with endless What-If scenarios and the less-likelihood-outcomes. Instead of internally dissecting our negative thoughts and What-Ifs, we need to practice thinking logically and aiming for clarity. So in the case above, if we were to separate our emotions from logic we could put our thoughts into perspective.

“He has been working a lot lately, so he could also be stressed.”

For lack of better words, our overthinking can cause us to make assumptions. Those assumptions can easily be made based on how and what WE assume our partner feels and thinks.  If you want the simplest way to stop overthinking as much in your relationship, stop assuming what we don’t actually know. I’ll never forget this quote I learned in my teens that someone told me, which has always helped me in times of crisis and overthinking in my relationships (and even my marriage):

You don’t know until you know.

Bottom line is – get clarity. We fail to realize that our assumptions will dictate our attitude, and our attitude will then control our actions and reactions. Learn to open up to your partner, ask questions and get clarification with your emotions and thoughts instead of dwelling on them.

find your inner peace

If I’m being honest, when I over-think I am really just starving for validation in that moment. It’s like I am desperately needing to hear and know that I’m okay – that failure does not define me and that the lows in my life are only temporary.

The problem is we look for that validation in others, which can actually cause more worry – that we are not worthy, good enough or capable of being Loved. It has taken me years to understand that even when my husband tells me,

“Carissa, look how far you have come – your failures are only obstacles – you can only go up from there…“

I never actually believe him unless I believe it within myself. Sure, it feels good for a moment, but then it’s easy to slump back into negativity and doubt. This can easily become a continuous cycle – that if we hear it enough from others, it will eventually sink in.

Nope. It doesn’t work like that.

[Related Read: Why Knowing Your Worth Is Crucial In Life]

I have learned that I desperately need to strengthen the relationship I have with myself – finding myself and making peace with who I am and trusting in all the positive attributes I bring into life. Because when I am happy with myself, I am able to distinguish between my rambling, invalid thoughts with actual facts and truth.

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