How To Stop Being Defensive [When You Feel Under Attack]

Defensiveness – it’s the gut reaction to defend yourself when you feel someone has said or done something unfairly or negatively to you. This is instinctive – it’s biological – that when you feel attacked you will either shut down, run away and hide or retaliate to protect yourself.

You know all too well what that feels like. The blood is rushing to your face, you start sensing tunnel vision and your hypersensitivity has skyrocketed your breathing and heart rate, and your stomach is literally punching you in the esophagus to intuitively defend yourself with whatever is willing to escape from (or spewing out of) your mouth.

This is a feeling everyone wants to avoid because it is the fight or flight moment. All we want to do is put a stop to it, in whatever way possible. And the feeling – that out of body or entirely bodily experience – can vary in different environments, like your workplace, in a meeting with your boss, an interaction with a complete stranger, with a friend or group of friends, and in the company of family or your partner.

You will prooooobably react [defensively] differently around your boss than your significant other.

Defensiveness can also send different messages. Unfortunately, this mechanism being defaulted in your relationship sends the message to your partner that they don’t matter. That their feelings, perspective, and reality are false – or wrong.

Even if what they said is totally out of line or inaccurate.

This is something critical to remember the next time conflict arises in your relationship, as well as acknowledging the moment you feel defensive. Just as the mind is conditioned to behaviors over time (from childhood and upbringing, inherited family behaviors as well as your social environment), it is also capable of changing and evolving from that conditioning.

There is no positive or end goal in being defensive, not even for you. It actually inhibits you more than it protects you, in the long run.

Becoming un-defensive won’t happen like a light switch, and even in the world of “Self-healing” defensiveness is part of our human experience. Don’t seek perfection – seek progress. With self-awareness, a supportive partner and enough grace it is more than possible to break down those combative walls and lean into conflict with an open mind and heart.

How To Stop Being Defensive [When You Feel Under Attack]

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be more open to self-awareness

The truth is nobody likes to feel threatened, unloved, unsupported or blamed for something, anything – even if we are the cause. Especially by someone you love.

So when your partner uses criticism or expresses that you hurt them in some way, you might immediately pounce on the thought, “There’s no effing way I am even capable of harm or wrong. Do they really think I mean to hurt them? Besides, I’m not responsible for his feelings – that’s on them.”

Hence why you are quickly inclined to save face or defend the one person who [probably] knows you best – you. The thing is… it isn’t even about you. And it’s that moment you have to be willing to step outside yourself and see the bigger picture for more than what you feel. Yeah, yeah…the whole “feelings are not facts” ordeal comes into play, yes, but it’s really about not making everything about something to do with ourselves.

It’s about what your partner is feeling, and acknowledging that, period.

More than anything your partner wants to be heard, validated and consoled – not ignored, shamed or combated with. And turning toward the defense is simply a way to deflect your partner’s best interest and personal accountability. Again, whether the “fault” is directly or indirectly yours (and maybe it’s entirely not), your partner is also a human being simply going through another human experience worthy of attention and compassion (when you certainly have them, too).

To understand this, you must be able to have a sense of self-awareness – of more than just only seeing yourself in a positive light. It’s being able to recognize your emotions in that given moment and manage them. Self-awareness is the ability to also look at your words and actions from beyond yourself, or through the eyes of others.

You might ask yourself, “Would you tolerate you?” Would you be ok with [receiving] certain behaviors you exude, words you say when you’re triggered, or actions you choose in reaction to something?

It forces you to see yourself more honestly. In fact, self-awareness is humbling, which, for many, often results in feelings of shame at first. But it truly becomes this beautiful framework of expansive understanding – IYKYK (if you’re not there yet, be patient, you will). Besides, who wants to admit they have said or done awful, hurtful things, struggle facing their own fears and discomfort, or are difficult to be vulnerable around and communicate with?

Self-awareness allows you to see your partner’s perspective from their point of view. That how you interpret a situation is not the only reality that matters or exists.

Start by being more aware of the environment and situations in which defensive behavior grows, and feeds from. Maybe you notice you become tense and closed off the moment your partner groans out of frustration (because that is your cue to throw your guard up), rolls their eyes at something you said or becomes defensive themselves.

Your defensiveness is ultimately a reactionary mindset that needs to be acknowledged and changed, which will require you to be most vulnerable outside of yourself.

stop using the word “but”, and start spelling it out

No, like, really – tell your partner you are feeling defensive.

There’s a 110% chance the first thing that wants to come of your mouth involves the word But or disproving your partner’s feelings and claim against you. With that in mind, the one and only goal of being on the defense is to simultaneously revalidate your feelings while dismissing your partner’s.

Which, to be honest wastes so much unnecessary energy.

Enough times you’re told to breathe, count to five and think before responding. This may not always stick.

Instead, when you initially feel that sheer intensity of fight or flight, spell it out for your partner rather than acting on it. This will give yourself a moment to recollect your thoughts and emotions without overreacting and focusing on your negative energy.

pinpoint the irrational fear that is triggered

Is it rejection, control, inadequacy, shame or incompetence? Or maybe it is the fear of abandonment, judgment from your past mistakes, unacceptance or unworthiness, or simply not being enough?

Whatever it may be, defensiveness is merely an irrational fear unveiled. When your partner expresses their own pain in a way that triggers your fear (that you take in as criticism or shame), it can seem like they are intentionally pushing your buttons to instill that fear. Which is why you feel attacked, and then use defensiveness as a way to cope with that fear by lashing out at others or rationalizing your behavior.

Without even realizing it, this can get in the way of relationships fully building and sustaining trust and openness.

So if you can acknowledge that fear from within, it may help you and your partner understand these moments of defensiveness in a different light.

And once that fear has been surfaced you can start the process to heal from it.

avoid tit-for-tat

If you consider yourself a defensive person or are dealing with a partner that is, you likely know tit-for-tat all too well. It’s aggressive behavior that is intended to put down your partner in an attempt to build yourself up.

It’s retaliation.

“Well because you said/did that, you deserve this in return.” You might call it an “Ah-ha, take that!” scenario.

In defensiveness, this might look like –

Them: “I think you’re being very unfair right now.“

You: “[But…but, but,] Well… you’re being unreasonable!“

The biggest problem with defensiveness is that this mechanism’s only goal is self-preservation, by undermining or deflecting the other person in a more reciprocal yet aggressive manner.

And to your partner, this looks like – “I heard you, but I didn’t actually listen – nor do I care to – because all I took away from this was ‘Oh, look, he’s taking a jab at my character. Quick – attack!’”

If you’re in a serious relationship and are still in a place where you sincerely believe the person who loves you (and who you love) is sought out to maliciously hurt you, there is a deeper-rooted issue to uncover. And one that no defensive comeback will help fix.

The approach and skill to learn, and avoiding tit-for-tat, is to deescalate the given situation (your gut-reacting feelings) rather than table-turning by inflicting pain in order to relieve your own.

Pain in life will be inevitable as much as it will be unavoidable and also unintentional, but it’s how you manage it and what you do with it that is most important.

tackle other stressors in your life

A simple fact might be that you take things way too personally. By doing so you are basically giving up your power to those – or things – you allow to upset you. This is how I try to see it:

A bad day is only a bad day because you allow your negative emotions to affect you.

But, we’re human beings, and we want to blame the rainy weather because we trusted the forecast’s 40% chance and didn’t bring an umbrella, the cashier that didn’t give us back the right change at the store, our co-worker for slipping up which caused us double the workload, our partner when they brought home 3 lemons instead of the 4 that was asked, or the car manufacturer for not making infinitely long-lasting parts when the engine wears out because we kept putting off that oil change.

Nonetheless, our misfortunes cause us to expend more energy, resulting in stress. So if you have a range of stress-inducing factors in your life then you are also determining which of those factors get the best and worst of you.

Don’t let your relationship be what suffers due to unresolved stress – from your job, friends, family, mental/physical health, finances, etc.

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let go of your objective for righteousness

Because in defense, that is what you do. You will automatically look for inaccuracies or inconsistencies in what your partner tells you. Because how dare someone, who supposedly loves you, make such a heinous claim about who you truly are! This allows you to make your case and in return point out every flaw and wrongdoing of your partner.

This is easy.

But in life and Love, it’s not about doing what is easy, but what is right. And meanwhile you may be completely and totally right, but that isn’t the objective – it’s about placing yourself in your partner’s perspective, and getting a sense of their right.

treat conflict as reconnection rather than punishment

It’s likely to say that in moments of defense there is also conflict, or arising conflict. Most see conflict as a negative, or undesirable situation. That’s true – nobody should enjoy conflict, or anticipate its reoccurrence.

But conflict in relationships – spoken time and time again – is actually healthy.

Why? Because conflict is often a signal for change and growth in your relationship. But if you’re resistant, or hesitantly treat conflict as emotional suicide then the end result will feel more like a punishment – ultimately putting a pending and ongoing strain on the relationship.

This is often why you feel worse after a fight, or conflict.

Unfortunately, feelings of rejection, hostility, resentment, abandonment, unjust, fear, despair and loneliness are what can cause you to cling to the idea that any and all conflict is grounds for shutting down or protecting yourself – at all costs.

This requires letting go of all expectations in conflict, being vulnerable with your fear(s), being accountable for your part (as well as your feelings) and focusing on the problem, not each other.

When you train your mindset to view relationship distress as a need for reconnection (because essentially that is the glue that keeps the core of its foundation together), you won’t have the tendency to make conflict into a NDR (near-death experience).