And vice versa! With gaslighting being repetitive manipulation as a way of control, it’s almost a guarantee you have been gaslit at some point in your life – thanks even to politics, marketing, and the media. Gaslighting in relationships is no different, which means it could be coming from you.
Chances are you are guilty, and maybe not even realize. Are we just not willing to admit, or do we simply fail to notice we do it?
Really, though, who wants to be told or admit to exuding less-than-ideal or unhealthy qualities? Literally no one. In fact, most are probably going to deny it. We live in a society these days where correction (someone holding you accountable) is an insult. Here’s the tea: assuming self-responsibility does not mean you are the be all, end all *problem*. Yet we can barely fathom being told by someone that we hurt them. We’re even guilty of gaslighting our partner’s literal PAIN – the very person whom we’ve committed to Love.
You can probably remember a time when a parent, teacher, friend – someone – said to you, “Oh, it wasn’t so bad, stop that. That didn’t hurt, did it? No, see, you’re fine.”
IMO, gaslighting is a pattern learned (from exposure and conditioning) over time. Even as innocent children, you *definitely* learned how to manipulate your parents into getting what you want and need – right? The difference is, as a baby, you don’t know better – you only know what to do that ensures your survival and that your immediate needs be met. You cried, whined, screamed, or put on a sad, distressed, scared face when you wanted/needed something…because, all in all, it probably [should’ve] worked. Besides, your own little world is all you knew [understood], and it was the only one that mattered. Therefore, you weren’t *manipulating* your parents with malicious or fowl intent.
Then as you get older (into young adolescence, adulthood), through friendship, authority, education, the workplace, family upbringing, trauma, and relationships, you [hear] listen when others begin to dictate or question your reality (“That’s not what happened” or “Are you sure that’s how you experienced it?”), make assumptions or conclusions about how you [should/shouldn’t] feel (“There’s no need to get angry over something like that”), wedge themselves into your experiences or reactions to events (learning there is no separation between what you experience and others), and so on.
It wouldn’t be far-fetched to say that when we are exposed to this kind of behavior, it can make an individual rooted in fear, doubt, instability and insecurity in terms of their reality, the world around them, and ultimately within themselves. Exposure to this behavior can also condition others on how to control those around them as well. And that in order to feel safe or grounded in their reality they must minimize, manipulate, deny or alter other’s reality [experience, feelings, perception] by repeating the very gaslighting behaviors they have been exposed to.
So I don’t necessarily believe there is automatically ill intent behind the many waves of manipulation, but I do think there’s a whole lot of denial and over-exaggeration. Like I said, we either aren’t willing to admit we’re all guilty of manipulation or that we believe everyone’s a *narcissist*. Granted, I’m not about to throw that word around because, frankly, we all are to some degree. But I do believe it is also possible to unknowingly possess habits that are considered gaslighting in relationships. So having the maturity of discernment, and to distinguish and question behaviors you believe are silly or meaningless (when maybe your partner says otherwise), is a major and necessary step.
Otherwise, your choice of behavior would imply,
“I can do no wrong,“
“My reality/feelings/experiences is superior, so I need control over yours..[to change your perception],“
“In order for me to feel safe [in my reality], you need to feel unsafe [in yours],”
and “I don’t care how I make you feel.“
While gaslighting *is* considered a manipulation tactic through control, there are certain things you may be doing to your partner on a regular basis that have similar intent, without even realizing it. Nonetheless, the real step in growth is facing the light and realizing – as Taylor Swift would say – “It’s me – hi – I’m the problem, it’s me.“
4 Signs of gaslighting in relationships
you constantly invalidate or deny your partner’s feelings
When you ignore, dismiss, or nullify your partner’s feelings and emotions, it can have them question not only their own reality but their sanity. This can create an immense disconnect, unintentional or not, and can also be perceived as a threat (to your partner and the relationship). The last thing you should ever want to do is leave your partner thinking, “Maybe I’m not allowed to feel this way. Maybe I am crazy.” Because, honestly, if undermining your partner gets your rocks off…do you really even care about them and their well-being?
First, when addressing the extremes here: feelings are not facts (they are a response), people do overreact (to their feelings, emotions), AND I also believe – as individuals – we aren’t necessarily *responsible* for the emotions of others, we shouldn’t constantly seek external validation (of our feelings, emotions, experience) from others nor should we constantly have to validate *everything* about others.
Yet, people overreact as part of the dysregulated human experience in a dysfunctional world. In turn, this can also be a way of gaslighting others. For instance, when your partner addresses/expresses [a concern, *strong feeling] to you, to which you respond with hyper-sensitivity (stonewalling, reactive aggression, emotional outburst, etc.). This behavior is gaslighting when performed intentionally or purposefully as a way to control your partner [i.e., their mood] or to take control of the situation [i.e., deflect accountability].
In laments terms this can be seen as trying to portray your role as the victim in your partner’s expressed frustration while turning the tables by villainizing your partner. It isn’t crazy to assume we’ve all responded in a way that makes problems (i.e., our partner’s addressed concerns or strong, negative, undesirable feelings) as a perceived attack on our character, or bigger than they actually are. Our internal response is usually something like, “I’m not going down with this ship, you are.“
But in the case of consistently and purposefully ignoring or denying the way your partner feels – specifically how you made/make them feel – it should be far more important to preserve intimacy in your relationship. So whether you agree with their feelings and emotions or not, this doesn’t give you the right to punish your partner for when, what and how much they feel…or to simply make it go away by way of *solutions* or unsolicited advice.
So if in times of distress or conflict you catch yourself saying things to your partner, like,
“you’re blowing [this, things] out of proportion,“
“chill out – you’re being so sensitive [about this],”
“stop freaking out over [this, nothing],“
“you’re just [mad, jealous, scared],” *making the assumption of how your partner feels based on your internal, triggered response
“there’s no reason to get [angry, upset] / you shouldn’t feel [angry, upset, hurt],” or
“I was kidding – you know I didn’t mean it [that way] – take a joke,”
stop right there. All seemingly harmless on the outside, when said in a tone of amusement, or to lighten an unpleasant mood, but think about if roles were reversed and your partner said this to you in a time of distress or when you experience *big* feelings. Saying these things can actually be more destructive than helpful to your partner by driving a wedge between emotional connectivity. Visualize this as severing or withdrawing the connection [trust, faithfulness, devotion, reliability, safety] between you, because that’s what’s happening.
And, let’s be real, everyone has probably experienced a time where their partner’s *big*, “unnecessary”, and likely negative feelings or emotions about something – that maybeeeee you caused or brought about – were an inconvenience or *annoyance* to you. Maybe their feelings are completely *inaccurate*, to which you say, “That wasn’t my intention [to make you feel that way].” There’s wisdom and humility in acknowledging the harm a deflective response can and does have on your partner and the relationship.
Again, even without ill-intent, there are several variations to things said that can be harmful. “Are you sure I made you feel that way?“, “Why do feel that way?” or “I don’t believe you,” has the same implication. If you take pride in vulnerability in your relationship with your partner, then that means holding space for them to have, share and experience their own feelings apart from your own…and that mean something to you.
Your partner isn’t designed to think and feel the same as you, nor should they. They may take certain things said more personally than you, have sensitivity toward things you may not, or simply feel the opposite that you do. It’s important to refrain from negating those differences, or wronging your partner for what they feel whether you’re [part of] the cause or not.
you minimize the world through your partner’s eye
Much like invalidation, there are also ways you may be shutting down your partner’s perspective or experience. How your partner sees, views, perceives the world, a particular situation, or an event may be entirely different from the way you do. For example, you’re both looking at the same flower and your partner says it’s red when, to you, it’s clearly orange.
With that in mind, you may be disrespecting your partner’s view – like, by proactively excluding its existence completely. At that point it really isn’t about the color of the flower, it’s about being *right*. You see how this minimization might make someone feel like they are “cRaZy”, let alone insignificant? There’s that sense of inferiority when refusing to allow *space* for your partner to simply have an experience or viewpoint, wrong or not.
Granted, when we’re talking about truth, we’re all called to lead and encourage those to it, but you can only lead a horse to water – you can’t make them drink it. Yet everyone desires to feel connected and important, and it’s no less different with our significant other. You can still Love the horse even if it refuses to drink. There’s a clear difference between supporting and agreeing with their view of the world and outright denying your partner’s lens (including how they see you), which can be detrimental to that sense of connection and closeness.
Saying something as silly as, “You have no clue what you’re talking about,” (when maybe they really don’t) does just that. Even laughing at your partner, rolling your eyes, or making other non-verbal facial expressions implicates the same. You might say this is considered passive rejection. A fairly common scenario is when you are in the presence of friends, and your partner starts telling them a story or memory involving the two of you. At some point you but in,
“That’s not what happened – you’re not [telling it right, telling the whole story] . It went like this..“
I know I’ve done this. Out of pettiness, and frankly self-preservation (of my own image), I simply wanted my side of the story to be heard – salvaged, even. While there are two sides to every story, shutting one side out in order to preserve or sanctify your own is cheeky and self-righteous. And to your partner, if done often, can be backdoor abusive. This is not the same as having differing viewpoints or opinions – it’s a matter of allowing the space for their existence. You and your partner aren’t always going to align on everything. So you may say certain things (i.e., in regards to suspicion, distrust, or conflict) when the fact is your feelings, views, and beliefs are not in alignment. This is why it’s important to avoid drawing conclusions or making assumptions by willfully turning and working against your partner.
“Well, that’s not what I [said, meant, heard],“
“You thought wrong,“
“That’s not what you [heard, saw, said],“
“That’s on you to feel that way.“
Even in a circumstance where your partner is way off base, or wrong entirely, being right shouldn’t be the focus. Justice should not be the end goal, as difficult or impossible as that may be. When you dismiss what your partner perceives through their reality (even if that makes you look or seem like a *monster*), make them question their authenticity as well as instill a sense of wrong or judgment in how they view the things that happen to and around them is not the way. You are no better by trying to alter, correct or steer [control] your partner in order to elevate your standing.
[mailerlite_form form_id=0]you express or flaunt their inadequacy
It’s no lie, there are bound to be things you dislike about your partner. Hell, there are going to be things your partner fails at – they’re likely to fail you and fall short of. You’ll even go the route of *exaggerating* your partner’s inadequacies, because somehow you think if it bothers you enough they will simply try harder or do better. Yet the last thing we should ever want to do is make our partner feel like they’re not enough or not good enough. How you handle inevitable disappointment speaks volumes, literally. So when you say things like,
“I hate the way you fold the laundry – you know I tri-fold towels. It’s not that difficult. After [X] years together, are you still that incompetent?“
And that’s just a mere example, because I’ve been super guilty of instilling *my* way of folding towels is The Right Way. My husband knows I have certain things I like done a *certain* way (we all do). But I have been doing my best not to transpire into mean-wife-mode over things that shouldn’t have an effect on my husband’s sense of adequacy. He folds the laundry without my having to *ask* – that’s worth appreciating.
They are *just* towels, after all. After 7 years of marriage, I’ve only learned that if you’re quarreling over things so *meaningless* (like towels), there are much bigger concerns waiting to surface. I’m at the point where I’d much rather preserve intimacy than to bicker over and knit-pick one another’s menial differences.
While it may never be your intention to make your partner feel inadequate, or incapable, sometimes there’s the tendency of letting emotions run amuck in order to spell urgency [for change, control, righteousness]. It’s determining whether that change is necessary to your well-being, and acknowledging if your emotions are being projected toward your partner unfairly, or in a way that says,
“Who you are [as is] is not good enough.”
And in a relationship, you don’t need to spell that one out for your partner to feel that way if the bar is continually raised beyond his reach.
you deviate self-accountability
This one happens more often than you think. Gaslighting in relationships is not only through words, it can be behavioral in action. At some point in your relationship or previous relationships you may have experienced roundabout conflict (you argued in circles); maybe this is over a similar or recurring topic/issue. Either way, resolving conflict can be extremely difficult because one or both parties is easily triggered [hyper-sensitive, emotionally reactive]. Many are even emotionally addicted to the chaos conflict ensues. On top of that, deviating from self-accountability and responsibility (of one’s hyper-sensitivity, reactivity, and emotional addiction) is also gaslighting when you fixate on your partner as the problem and yourself as the victim.
“If you weren’t on my back constantly about budget then I wouldn’t hide my spending from you.” *The behavior is you hide your spending
“I wouldn’t *over-react* if you’d simply listen to what I said the first time.” *The behavior is emotional dysregulation/reactivity
“The issue here is not that I don’t text you when I’m leaving,” ..[deflecting to make your partner and their request *the problem* and you *the victim*].. “It’s that you have to know every little thing I’m doing and where I’m going all the time.” *The behavior is refusing to text your partner
We can’t sit here and act like table-turning isn’t a common tactic in conflict. We’ve all been there, and we’re all still likely making the mistake of perpetuating it. By table-turning the problem or concern [back] onto them, we become so consumed with proving our *innocence*, excusing our part or role we play, and preserving our pride/ego/righteousness that we’re willing to weaponize ourselves against our partner in the process.
This says, “I’m not the problem – you’re the problem.” Is that really Love?
