Dear estranged Friend,
After many years, my mind is often stricken with, “Why?” For everything.
Why did you come into my life knowing it would come to this? It was impossible then, and still difficult to grasp now, that many friendships are filled with lessons.
Why did we become so close if we knew at one point our friendship wouldn’t be worth it? I was oblivious to the fact that people change, and that change may not be parallel of one another.
Why did I open myself up to you just to eventually be turned away? I hadn’t realized the scope of what we expect in others, and that my vulnerability should not be dependent on your emotional capacity.
Why did I go on believing our friendship would build years and years of memories to come when it was clear you didn’t feel the same? I’ve learned that each individual values a friendship and the level of that friendship differently – some more or less, and this varies from person [friend] to person [friend].
[Related Read: Friendship Fallout: Fighting for the wrong friends]
Why did our individual changes have to change “us”? How selfish I was for thinking our friendship should remain a constant (“unchanged”) at the expense of our individual growth.
Why can’t we just hold onto what was good and not let our differences define what connected us in the first place? Because I realized, now as an adult, that our values shape who we are and how we connect with others; we often neglect the good we have until we’ve totally lost sight of it.
Why does it feel like you could suddenly care less about me – if ever – after years of calling one another “best friends”? I was sadly mistaken. The title doesn’t guarantee a lasting, close friendship; though I’ve learned the term Best Friend can still be true for a time, whether it remains or not.
Why can’t I just move on and let you go so that you cross my mind less and less? Moreover, why can’t I just accept (and, instead, cherish) that sometimes life brings two strangers together, they become friends, but ultimately endure an estranged fate.
This is an open letter to my friends after 35 years: I can’t always be both legs of support in friendship.
I also can’t expect you to extend a leg you obviously don’t have or aren’t willing to give. There are times I barely have a leg to extend myself, and I often felt burned for that.
The scars are there to prove it, now that it’s more difficult for me to let my guard down.
Granted, I’m aware that friends come and go in life – for a reason and maybe only a season. I get that. That is called Life, isn’t it?
We have our own busy, chaotic lives, other friends, and higher-tiered priorities. I understand, fully.
Did I back then? No, because those were the days with so little responsibility. Our only worry was who could come out to play that day and what our plans together were for the weekend. The focus was living to experience, not necessarily to learn or fully understand while balancing other priorities and responsibilities.
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I was taking certain strides to sustain our friendship for the years ahead without actually noticing what was really happening between the lines. I understand that now – I was in the wrong mindset.
I see now as my efforts had completely backfired into lessons I will carry with me ongoing. I now understand that if we were meant to be friends – then, now, and ongoing – we simply would be. I wouldn’t have to fight so hard for friendship and break both my legs in the process.
Instead, we would do better than to hold conflict above one another’s heads, avoid it completely like it didn’t exist (as we often did), keep tabs on the countless times we canceled plans or unintentionally let one’s birthday slip on by (because life just gets the best of us sometimes).
We wouldn’t react with pettiness when one of us bails on girl time because our boyfriend came through last minute, leave texts on Read for days (while noticing one another active on social media) and voicemails go unanswered (because sometimes phone tag was our easy way to justify *me time*). And we sure as hell wouldn’t allow other friendships to come in between or threaten the one we had.
In the wake of all that is used to test, try and tempt us, we’d still Love and respect each other above all things.
I can’t help but believe the only reason for our now estrangement was from discouragement. Now in my adult life, making friends seems even more discouraging.
I know there was a time I took your trust for granted, but from the bottom of my heart that was purely out of Love, and for your literal safety and best interest. It would have been unloving of me to sit back and not do the right thing. I refuse to regret that choice I made, though I can be remorseful for hurting you.
I didn’t have it all together all the time. I screwed up time and time again, just as you. Yet I needed to know you still cared, even if weeks had gone by without seeing or speaking to each other.
I needed you to be there for me during the worst of times, even if I isolated myself despite your outreach. It was heartbreaking to know you couldn’t be there *no matter what*, or when I was ready.
I needed you to simply hear me out, whether you agreed or supported me or not, and make yourself available to listen anyway. I honestly didn’t know better than to engage with a brick wall – I didn’t think the climb would be that high, either.
[Related Read: Adult friendships are difficult these days, and never seem to last]
I also needed you to be the one with the answers sometimes, or to face discomfort between us alongside me rather than shoving everything under a rug where it apparently belonged.
I needed you to help me, guide me, show me the light, tell me like it is, and just try to understand who I am, not who you wanted me to be.
I needed you to take one for the team and go the extra mile sometimes without holding it against me (surely that’s something to understand by now).
I needed you to see me as human and imperfect but still able to give me the benefit of the doubt. I understand now that not everyone Loves one another the same – it doesn’t make one more or less Loving. I’m learning to be more accepting of that and offering grace instead of expecting perfection.
In spite of things, because of you I learned the value behind true friendship, but also that friendships can be difficult, especially as we get older.
You taught me that friendship is a choice – encompassed by mutual effort, understanding, communication, empathy and forgiveness. Where time apart and life changes are no dictator.
[Related Read: 10 Gentle signs you’ve outgrown a friendship]
Are there times I wish our paths would cross again? Yes.
Are there times I wish I was able to let go of my pride, just to contact you and know how you were doing after the time lost? Yes.
Are there times I wish you could simply do the same? Yes.
All I know is that if I were to hear from you right here, right now – I’d respond to you, immediately.
And I still know at least one thing is true in the memory of us – I still care about you.
Sincerely,
a friend you used to know.
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