Right now this so-called lockdown, staycation, work-from-home, solitary confinement or period of unwilful solitude – whatever you want to call it – is about to test everyone’s relationships. Whether you’re newly dating, in a relationship, living together or apart, engaged or married, this indirectly enforced stay-at-home confinement is going to be the ultimate test if your relationship is built to last.
And hopefully so!
You likely stumbled upon this post and you’re thinking, “Oh? And what does that entail?” That’s what I’m here to dish, my friend. If your relationship is built to withstand either a period of abnormal long-distance or confinement together, this is what a lockdown is sure to test.
A Relationship Built To Last Can Survive A Stay-At-Home Lockdown
the value of the relationship
Here it is – commitment, determined by your willingness. Will you prioritize your relationship amidst the chaos? How important is it to you to keep the relationship going strong – say if you’re newly dating or in a relationship where you’re currently living separately? Even more so, will you be able to sustain optimal relationship health?
If you value the relationship, the frequency of togetherness – less or more – shouldn’t matter or change the way you view or feel about your commitment. That’s not to say it won’t have an impact, but it’s up to you as to how you will allow that impact to negatively affect your relationship.
Are you going to allow worldly problems to become bigger than the bond you share as a couple?
how effectively you communicate
Whether you’re enduring long-distance or managing your lives confined together, this disruption of normalcy or routine can make you feel suddenly out of whack and control. Or maybe your willpower to keep it together has reached its peak of combustion. Regardless, these are circumstances you may not be accustomed to, and the way you communicate with your partner can go through its own seemingly uncontrollable changes, too.
Effectiveness is not the same as the frequency in which you communicate, so try not to confuse the two. It’s about saying more by speaking less, being more in-tune to your emotions as well as your partner’s, and being more proactive than reactive. Tone, self-awareness, empathy, accountability, and mindfulness are critical now more than ever.
Effective communication means eliminating all guesswork (asking for what you want/need), being vulnerable and open with how you feel versus looking for blame, focusing on solutions instead of the problem, understanding the ability to look within in times of need for change, and the strength to be receptive (not taking things too personally or making something out of nothing).
Because your SO is not perfect, and neither are you. For that fact, in such times as now, it is important to be more gentle with each other.
intentionally staying connected
If you feel communication is troubling or making you struggle to hold your head above water right now (in your relationship), take a deep breath and step back for a minute. Let go of everything you think you know, what you feel, and what all or who you believe needs to change for things to be right again.
Most couples, when they bicker and argue nonstop, they likely do so over the most irrelevant, unimportant things. And the reason for this is almost always disconnection in the relationship. When you’re connected, communication is likely to flow more naturally and synchronically. You are then less likely to pick a fight when your partner leaves his dirty socks on the floor – just saying. If you were to think about a time in your relationship where things were good – maybe seemingly perfect (ie. the very beginning of your relationship) – it was because you focused on connection. And I’ll bet you barely noticed when he left his stinky socks on the floor in plain view.
Think of connection as closeness, or togetherness, whether that be physically or emotionally.
When your relationship becomes so focused on righteousness, order, dictation, perfection, and resentment… connection is the first thing to slip under the rug. Connection can obviously fall short for many other reasons (such as the focus on parental duties and priorities, to emotional and physical negligence), but disconnection mostly arises when couples lean too deep on communication to as the problem to resolve. This can wind up leaving couples enduring more miscommunication and ultimately creating a problem on top of another.
When communication seems more difficult during this time of crisis, remember this: when you focus on connection you will thrive as a team, and when you focus more on communication you become two players on opposite teams. So connect first, and communication should naturally follow suit.
respect for space and privacy
Which ultimately also tests trust in all aspects. Sure, if you’re dealing with relationship long-distance right now, you may think of space and privacy as null and void. You’re already apart, how much more space do you really need?
But… you’d be surprised how easy it is to become possessive, invasive and controlling from a long-distant position in your relationship. Space isn’t solely a physicality, and I go more into how important it is to have S P A C E in your relationship in another post. Enough of that physical time apart can play a crucial role in our inner securities, especially pertaining to trust.
This lockdown is deemed only temporary. You have to remember that many couples endure long-distance from an indefinite standpoint from one or both partner’s professions. Through trust and equal effort, they can still manage to make their relationship work.
Respect for space and privacy not only encompasses trust but also freedom, personal seclusion, or simply allowing one another their respected and uninterrupted quality me time. So even if you’re bound to the confinements of being around your partner 24/7, it is even more absolutely crucial to give each other their entitled personal space.
the unconditional empathy in giving + picking up each other’s slack
Structure and order in your life are likely somewhat of a mess right now. Maybe even a disaster. What you were used to has likely been imposed upon and discombobulated to the fullest extent. And you can imagine how this can lead to chaos within just your household and create an unwarranted strain on your relationship.
Yet the more resistance toward this the more likely for combustion or implosion. Meaning when you deny your or your partner’s reality (using the [“It’s fine – you’re fine – we’re fine” when maybe you’re really not] approach), you are dismissing the severity and impact of your and your partner’s emotions.
If you’re fresh in a relationship, living separate, together or you’re married, the important thing to remember is that the way you are feeling and handling this disruption (good or bad) may be entirely different from your SO. Maybe you lost the time to get certain duties completed since the kids are now home indefinitely during normal school-time hours, and you’re desperate for more help. Your SO might be dealing with serious or unruly changes in his job, and he may be needing more of your support. There could be the responsibility of caring for elder family members, so there’s even less time spent toward you or the relationship as a whole. Or say you are working from home alone, knowing so is your partner, which has you feeling the toll of the solitude from being apart.
Whatever your current situation, this is a time when you or your partner may unintentionally slack in certain areas that are usually an important part of your relationship. With that, 50/50 may not be reachable. Each partner will have to pick up one another’s slack, unconditionally, which also means giving one another that same slack, unconditionally.
As human beings, most of us thrive from structure and order. Change, like this, is super scary because we are being withheld of our normalcy, freedom, and options. And when change is not in our favor, or personally invited and accepted, it’s no wonder there are those scattering like ants or doing everything they possibly can to maintain uniformity.
Right now is the time to empathize with your partner even more as you face drastic, unintentional change while many couple’s lives have flip-flopped, are on the verge of combusting or have already imploded. This is not the time to keep tabs on how many meals he makes versus you, track how often he calls or texts (when you know he’s now working from home) or allow inconvenient inequalities to burden or even threaten the relationship.
Just remember, this lock down is only temporary. Soon normalcy will return. Date nights out will resume, intimacy will be re-engaged full throttle, the kids will go back to school and you and your partner will soon be able to go back to work (outside the home). But in the meantime, you will need to relinquish certain expectations and make some necessary adjustments so that when normalcy does return your relationship won’t be left in shambles.
and lastly, elasticity
You could call it grace, or your willingness to let go.
A lockdown is going to bring in enough uncertain, undesirable and weary feelings and emotions as is. So it’s likely that the relationship is going to face some of the backlash, or entanglement in these times of frustration, gloom, boredom, and distress.
Allowing these trivial emotions to get the best of you – to control you, and extending to other areas of your life – is the biggest factor here. This alone can facilitate a rise in tension within the relationship, leading to arguments, disagreements, resentment, apathy, distrust, loneliness and complacency. Your relationship is still considered a separate entity in your life – requiring the very same love and care as you would give yourself, your pet or your family.
How well will you be able to bounce back from crisis? Most of all, how forgiving and resilient are you prepared to be with your partner?
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