Both men and women communicate very differently. This is because most women find talking and sharing thoughts, feelings, and emotions as a form of intimacy. While most men, on the other hand, treat communication as a tool for logic, solving problems, or “getting to a point“.
Maybe the lightbulb went on – maybe it didn’t. That’s okay. It can be tough to not understand why “he never opens up emotionally” or “she never stops wanting to talk – period“, especially for those who have a difficult time communicating with their significant other.
So, we all can communicate. If we were to consider its purpose is to convey and translate messages to one another. But we also individually learn to do this in a different manner while negating our core Whys. This is why communication is not a One-size-fits-all blanket, yet we treat and expect it to be that way. More like…we expect others to communicate the way we do (like our significant other).
Yet in relationships communication serves its own unique purpose, and the best way to communicate effectively with our spouse is by learning and observing. If we started off every relationship focusing on learning how one another communicates – imagine the foundation more relationships would have.
The steps to BETTER communication with your partner
Before I delve into how we better understand communication, I want to share with you a few reasons why talking to your spouse may be like engaging with a brick wall.
- Communicating, or communicating unnecessarily, is not a “need” for him as it is for you
- He’s not interested or engaged in what you have to say
- He’s trying to avoid a fight; avoids confrontation – period
- He doesn’t understand what you’re asking, wanting, or needing
- He’s not actively “heard” or is interrupted when he does speak; therefore often shuts down emotionally
- He just doesn’t like confronting/expressing his problems/feelings; he may be trying to avoid feeling responsible for yours
- He feels “attacked“; that what he says/does/feels doesn’t matter or is wrong, causing him to go into “defense mode” or shut down entirely
I know because I was on both ends – receiving and transmitting. I had my own work to do – it was a baseball bat to the face for me to realize that I grew up with POOR communication skills. Seeing how my parents communicated, and the way they communicated with me, is how I learned to communicate. So it’s no surprise that communication is learned. Then that also means how we communicate can also be altered and re-adapted.
With that, my husband learned to communicate in a way different from me – some healthy and some very unhealthy ways. In order for us to fully understand one another, we must each be willing to confront what is not healthy (and is not serving our relationship’s best interest), do the inner work, and be more intentional through accountability, proactivity, patience, and grace.
1 | Create a calm and comfortable environment
Rule #1 – always: never initiate, engage or carry on confrontation over TEXT. Nope, no Buts.
When you’re trying to convey something important or confronting an issue about something, hopefully you want to do so in a way that promotes relationship growth, not setting it 10-steps back or into a spiraling loop. By not considering the environment you risk miscommunication, and all that follows.
So if one or both parties already has a difficult time opening up in what should be the comfortable setting of their home, going public may not necessarily be the fix-all solution. I’ve witnessed countless couples go head-to-head in public spaces – I’m talking finger-pointing, in their face, yell-talking over each other, name-calling level arguments – like restaurants, grocery stores, or in the car (with the windows down). It’s cringe-worthy because it only leads me to believe what the energy is like for them at home.
Choose a place that brings you both peace, neutral ground and comfort. If that is your living room couch (because that is where you snuggle up together to watch movies), then destine that as your spot to talk. If heated arguments tend to spark in the car while driving, make a point not to make that the time to start up a deep conversation or confrontation.
Catching your SO at the right time can also be key. It may not seem like something necessary to consider, but simply a bad day at work, a recent feud with a family member or friend, or a problematic event to cause a shift in mood can impact the communication you’re reaching for. And in those times, we can fail to consider their needs over our own. Timing can be everything.
2 | Fully engage with your SO
Don’t have Netflix playing in the background or phone in hand – basically anything that can easily be a distraction. The goal is to have one another’s focus and full attention.
Body language is another level of openness for engaging in healthy communication. Refrain from crossing your arms or legs, eye-rolling, “huffing“, sarcastic facial expressions, or reserved and uptight body language. Sit next to one another, or close in range – not across the room. In confrontation, turn toward your partner instead of away because that can send the message that you are not fully engaged or open and willing to listen.
In fact, make physical contact, like holding hands or lightly rubbing the back of the neck. If this is uncomfortable for you, the next best thing you can do is to lock eyes. Avoid staring off into the distance or wandering – again, this shows disengagement. Eye contact is an easy way to show your partner that you are listening, and it says, “I’m here – I’m in this with you.” For many, like myself, eye contact can be excruciating, especially in conflict, so other tactics you can practice is non-verbal, positive body language such as nodding or softening your gate.
Conservative, tense, or withdrawn body language is often a defense mechanism (in freeze or flight mode), and this can take on the appearance of disengagement or tuning out your partner. By engaging through physical touch or the right body language you are also approaching with the ability to take in new or certain information without receiving it as a personal attack.
3 | Tell your story from your perspective only; their story is not yours to tell
In many situations that threaten us or compromise how we feel, it is about us – “me, me, me, me” – when we’re trying to convey this to our partner. This is all very valid. Moreover, we probably mean communicate our pain as a way to say, “This hurts, acknowledge that you care, and please stop,” when instead it comes off more like, “You hurt me, you suck and it’s all your fault, but still fix this.“
But most of the time, we tend to want to create a story that also involves telling our partner’s story as a way to validate and point to cause of our pain. Our ego wants someone to blame and to assume responsible by writing their side of the story for them – as a way to protect you. Really, though, it’s safe to assume we’re likely painting the other side to look pretty ugly and malicious, and in many cases it actually is (from our perspective). But ultimately, if you’re trying to communicate your pain to your partner, that’s not the picture you’re entitled to paint. Paint YOURS.
For example,
A pretty basic scenario: “It’s no wonder you can’t be trusted, as you go behind my back again by telling tell your mom about our fight. You obviously care more about what she thinks and have no respect for me at all since you were just going to lie to me about it until I found out.”
Re-framed scenario that focuses on individual perspective: “To find out you went to your mom about our fight [insert feeling] ‘disgusts’ me. This makes me feel disrespected, and that I am secondary to your mom when it comes to our privacy. We’ve been down this road before, and now I am back to questioning your loyalty and whether or not I can trust you.“
4 | It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it
A lot of times, what you say has nothing to do with it. It’s how you say it. Not only with tone and body language, but with choice of words.
Not only does the “I” approach allow for better interpretation to how you person feels, without pointing blame on the other, but it also creates a natural calming of tone. Likely, with the “You” approach, our tone can come off sounding demeaning, stern, agitated, degrading and off-putting. Because we are directing our feelings, thoughts and emotions toward our significant other. With the “I” approach we are making an effort in thinking before we speak, and directing our emotions to our spouse by saying how we feel.
When we want something, we usually have no shame in calling out our spouse as the reason for not receiving it. Because, you know, we fail to remember that we are all human beings – responsible for our own choices and happiness.
“Why can’t you just pick up after yourself! What are you – a 5 year old? It’s so annoying that you expect me to be your maid around here!”
We bear this form of comfort with our spouse over time – with this idea that, “Well, he knows what I mean…”. We want something with the expectation to receive, we judge because we care, harsh words are just our honesty, and the weight of our happiness and unhappiness lies in the hands of our spouse. All with expecting unconditional love and forgiveness for our faults, flaws and vague interpretations.
Yes – even the mind reading.
It’s not a matter of whether he knows what you mean, but the expectation he feels behind it. He will be in constant fear of failure, or disappointment. Don’t put that upon someone when you don’t have to.
Some couples may say, “Oh, me and my husband just get each other – we’re so in tune – it’s like we can just read each other’s minds…” That’s great and all, but they’ve also established this expectation in communication that they will meet each other’s needs perfectly every single time. And I guarantee you – that won’t happen forever. You are going to have to know how to handle that bump in the road eventually.
Take the time to think about what you say before you say it. And think about how your choice of words would make you feel. Again, the “I” approach can simplify a lot of confusion, struggle in conveying messages, and creating additional tension in confrontation.
5 | Invite your SO into the conversation
When communicating, it’s never about one or the other. Even if the entire situation concerns just you. No matter what, communication is a two way street. When one speaks, allow the other to chime in, take the reins, share their voice or engage.
Never close off your spouse in the lines of communication. This only creates resentment and emotional disconnection. Avoid interrupting, countering or tearing down of engagement in the conversation. In fact, ask your SO to join with his thoughts, feelings or interpretations.
6 | Apply the LUVE approach
Use this method, especially in confrontation. More often than not, we fail to apply this method in the communication of our relationships. Doing so doesn’t ensure less arguments, but having a stronger and more successful way of approaching and getting through them together.
- Listen
- Understand
- Validate
- Empathize
7 | Avoid making assumptions
We really enjoy making assumptions based on our emotions. I know you’ve done it – I’ve done it. We do it to justify our feelings, and in quick accusation as to why we feel the way we do.
“I know you avoid making plans in case something better comes along – you would even cancel on me to hang with the guys!”
Reality is – that could be far from the reason. Or it may be – but that isn’t the problem. The problem is how you feel, and correcting it.
“I feel my time is being avoided, and I deserve more of your committed time.”
Coming to your own assumption will only lead for your partner to either comply remorselessly (holding it against you), or your spouse will withdraw from communicating since you seem to “have it all figured out for him”. And that is what you want to avoid in the first place.
Let him engage, allow him to express his side, his thoughts, feelings, and emotions without drawing to conclusions.
8 | Stubborn, or passive-aggressive communicators require extra patience
Boy, do I remember the time of being in one of the most stubborn relationships of my life. Communication with, let’s call him Vicious-Cycle, was like talking to a brick wall covered in spikes that jabbed you if you got too close. Our icky, unresolved differences, opinions, and feelings were often shoved under his personal rug. I don’t operate that way. And that relationship cycled through that pattern through to the end.
It was too late by the time I realized he and I both had unwittingly checked out of the relationship. It was that very relationship that surfaced what little I [actually] knew about my true self – who I was versus who I am. It was the initial crack to breaking the glass ceiling for me and ultimately waking up to my generational and family dysfunction. I began to notice that I was a product exhibiting the similar patterns and behaviors of my parents, who were products of their parents’ patterns and behaviors, and the cycle continues. I was born and raised within a generation of stubborn/passive-aggressive individuals who failed to communicate in a healthy manner, and are completely unaware of how damaging these repetitious behaviors can be. And many will continue to fail in seeing that.
He and I were both very stubborn (passive-aggressive) communicators in that relationship through and through and in different ways. It was the first and only relationship where I experienced what it was like being face-to-face with the very qualities I possess. And it was eye-opening, to say the least, because now I am able to see what my previous partners likely went through – including my husband now. Though, even years later I would still consider myself to be more passive-aggressive, and being proactive to change is still absolutely unnerving. You might say it’s like withdrawals from quitting smoking cold turkey – some can do it fairly easily, while for others it feels painfully impossible, and reverting back is imminent.
So there really is more to it deep down than what is seen and portrayed from others on the outside, such as how passive-aggression is often viewed as being manipulative. Not saying it isn’t or that it can’t be, but that there really is a depth that is greatly unknown and misunderstood underneath the exterior.
Unfortunately, passive-aggressive individuals require extra effort, stamina, and a revolving door approach of patience. It absolutely sucks, yes, and it’s like nails on a chalkboard. It takes that special person to put up with and know how to [gracefully] surrender these individuals. Granted, I really hate to paint such an ugly picture but at the end of the day, passive-aggressive communicators are generally hypersensitive or highly reactive individuals. We do not like being controlled, patronized, criticized, or told and admitting when we are wrong. I know, who does, right? But, again, there’s more to it. Therefore we can be inflexible, defensive, detached, withdrawn, and closed-minded when this is simply a coping mechanism in order to preserve our “resources” or to protect ourselves. The average “assertive” person can do this (stand up for themselves) fairly easily or more effortlessly, by communicating, but passivity has [deep] rooted difficulty in doing so.
Above all and vastly misunderstood, we deeply struggle with certain fears, which is why many often resort to like shutting down or withdrawing (stubborn qualities). Those fears may be of failure, being disliked, abandonment, control, inadequacy, incompetency, etc. As for someone who is admittingly passive-aggressive, it’s in my unconscious nature to gravely internalize my fears, so I will try to do anything in my power to avoid [causing] friction or disruption because I fear disappointment, abandonment, and disconnection from others. And unfortunately, conflict can easily trigger these fears – among other things.
Fortunately, though, stubbornness or passive-aggression isn’t genetic – it’s learned. While there is no excuse for the way passive-aggression can play a negative part in communication within relationships, the upside is there is the capability for change through deeper understanding, ensuring a safe and open-ended approach to conflict, and patience.
9 | Be open to “re-dos”
We say the wrong things sometimes. And in communication, we are especially imperfect. What we say to one person might come off meaning something totally different to another. We say things that could be taken out of context, or spoken out of anger, judgment, or irrationality.
We may all have said something that initially makes us go, “Sh**, why did I say that? Can I start over or is the damage done?”
Allow that to be fair game on both sides in your communication style. Be more receptive and forgiving to Do-Overs when asked of, because it implies that the person is willing to append their mistake, is open to growth that coincides with learning, and is being proactive in their choice of tone or words in order to avoid compromising connection.
10 | Converse without an “objective”
The goal of communicating is not solely to “win”, “validate” or to “get something” out of it. Communication should never solely be for “business” (checking it off the list of partner duties) or settling confrontation. Communicating should never become an obligation, competition, or a chore.
To communicate means choosing intimacy, always. So ask yourself: do you want to be right, or do you want to be connected?
11 | Make physical contact
Conversing makes it a little more at ease when joined with physical touch. Grazing one another’s arm, or holding hands, can be a way to lower tension or daunting emotions in tough subjects.
It even makes it easier on both when expressing your feelings in confrontation using the “I” approach.
12 | Ask the right questions
If you’re having a hard time getting your spouse to communicate – like pulling teeth struggling – it may be that the wrong questions are being asked to engage him.
If I ask my husband when he comes home from work, “How was work?“, I notice his response will usually always be, “Pretty good…not bad…eh, it was OK.” Notice how nothing comes out of that response?
What I really want is for him to want to tell me how his day was. Whether it was something that happened, something someone said that was funny, any big news or changes, or for reciprocation of the subject.
So instead, I may ask, “What did you get to do at work today?” He is a police officer, so each day there’s generally something that happens – some funny, exciting, scary or even boring. Either way, I get a better response than “Eh, fine.“
Another important part is engaging in discussions that aren’t necessarily up your alley of interest. Like football – I can’t stand it, know nothing about it, could care less of it’s existence – but I know my husband, being the guy he is, loves it. I do my best to support his interest of it when I can bear it, knowing he does the same for me.
Another tip: don’t ask questions for the sake of “needing to ask”. Ask because you want to – you’re interested in communicating with him and want to be genuinely engaged for discussion. Ask a different question each day – switch it up – even if it’s coming out with, “Tacos, burritos or fajitas tonight?“
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13 | Be more accepting
All in all, your spouse isn’t going to communicate just like you. They aren’t going to understand what you’re saying each time, and neither are you (though the aim should be making an attempt through the LUVE process).
It’s important that we accept one another’s flaws in communication, just as we have flaws in all other areas. As long as you are both willing to improve from those flaws in communication – that is a one-up in a life partner. And being more accepting of each other, and willing to forgive, is one of the ways to show our spouse the importance and value of the relationship.
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