My [now] husband is the first and only person I moved in with outside of living with my parents. Nope, I never lived on my own. #stillnoregrets. I know that’s not everybody’s ideals or current situation, but moving in together as a couple was a huge deal to me, in general, and especially because we took this plunge only a little over a year into our relationship.
How did I know I was ready? A question that is not often answered carefully or put into much real thought. “You’re never really ready,” or “You just know“. Some never take the time to step back and ask themselves that very question, then wind up becoming a relationship-dependent nomad. I didn’t want to set myself up to being that person, and only now do I realize the significance of and would have really preferred to wait until I was married before moving in together. *I give tons of credit to those who do!
I think there’s a balance in knowing risk vs. reward, and whether the not-so-guaranteed rewards will outweigh the possible and somewhat inevitable risks. I knew that I was open and willing to embrace new changes, compromises, and even sacrifices (and not the kind you’re probably thinking), as well as the ups and downs in order to welcome the next step in our lives together. Yet I also think the whole cohabitation thing is simply something you learn over time – you learn how to live with one another, which you can’t necessarily prepare for.
Maybe…just maybe…emotional maturity has a lot to do with this. Of course no one is a master of this – we’re all still babies walking through this journey of emotional maturity (we’re constantly learning, growing, experiencing setbacks, facing discomfort, resurfacing wounds and healing them, all the while making room for your significant other’s own journey). But I’d like to think emotional maturity also means accepting this very understanding with grace, so that we can see the value in what it means to be open to changes, compromise, sacrifice – since you are, technically, blending your life with someone else – without it meaning to fully abandon or relinquish who you are (your values, needs, beliefs, [etc.]).
Oddly yet practical enough, at the young and rather unripe age of mid 20-something, I had in my mind more reasons not to move in together. That destroying our relationship just to be under the same roof day in and day out seemed far too great of a risk for the amazing relationship we had to begin with. But I wanted to get married at some point, I was confident about that. And I knew the possible risks of premature cohabitation in relationships. I witnessed and experienced the consequences (from a previous relationship where we weren’t even living together). And there was a point where I actually thought moving in together would solve our problems – so, thank God, we didn’t.
I took away so many lessons from that, gained a whole new perspective on cohabitating relationships, and even partnership. And when it came time I was ready to move in with my [then] boyfriend, there were a number of things I considered and unpacked beforehand.
Before moving in together, UNPACK these things first!
cohabitation (in general)
1. the motive
Does it even make sense – regardless of financially – you know, to move in together? That’s definitely a question to be deeply considered. Why? You want to be on the same page – like, emotionally – otherwise, you could be merging your life and belongings into complete chaos. Trust me, the last thing you want is an already rocky relationship AND a sticky living situation. Granted, it’s not as complicated as divorce, but living together and going through a breakup still has its own inevitable complications.
What exactly is your motive for moving in together? Moving in might make the most sense financially, but remember money is one of the top contenders to relationship stress, especially if you’re on completely different or separate wavelengths.
Most couples may see cohabitation as a way to test the waters of compatibility *long-term*. I get it, but here’s the thing: any issues you have in the relationship prior to moving in together likely won’t be resolved by simply joining forces, so have a clear vision as to what you are wanting to learn AND willing to accept from the relationship, not what you are wanting to fix OR prevent.
2. the onion layers
How do you know you will be truly compatible with the person you’re choosing to live with? You won’t – only time will show you that. And if you’re worried about that “burning passion” or “spark”, guess what? You know how long and the effort it takes to build a fire? Not to mention what it takes to maintain the embers from going cold. Sure, a lighter ignites a flame at the flick of your thumb or push of a button these days, but eventually that lighter runs out of fluid. Chemistry – the “spark” – isn’t produced from thin air, either. I don’t care what anyone else says.
Though you may not see the reality behind sharing a bathroom with the same person or experiencing their day-to-day eating, cleaning, and daily living habits outside of that romanticized façade.
“But he’s so cute when he eats,” you think to yourself as you’re out on a date, sitting at a relatively crowded, loud restaurant where it’s obvious he has manners in public [applause]. Fast forward 6 months into living together and he now eats like a living, breathing garbage disposal. At that point his loud, obnoxious chewing may drive you absolutely crazy. And I’m not saying that’s any good reason not to live together or to sense impending doom. There are going to be things that grind your partner’s gears about you, too.
People mold, change, adapt, and shed their layers slowly over time – some much faster, seemingly overnight. I’d like to think this is called being comfortable being human, especially around the person we Love. So, remember, your SO (significant other) exposing their authentic, human, self does not equate to complacency OR a fizzled *spark*. What you are seeing is the true individual and human being behind that fantasized imagery when out on a romantic date.
This then brings up the whole “everyone poops“. You’re human, your SO is human, and we all have our weird, gross, undesirable, uncontrollable and imperfect habits behind closed doors. There are going to be things that annoy you, gross you out, and vice versa. It’s figuring out what you’re willing to accept, learn to love unconditionally, and focusing on what’s most important in that lifelong partner.
3. it’s not just about you anymore
Fact. When you live under the same roof, the essence of courtesy and respect matters even more.
Fact. Your way isn’t the only, right way.
Fact. We WILL have to pick our battles, because your SO is going to do life differently than you. *Like how he folds the towels – yes, I went there.
Three of the biggest truths I learned when I moved in with my [then] boyfriend. For instance, prior to living together, I obviously lived a fairly independent lifestyle, even for living with my parents. Though, even they had their own boundaries – their house, their rules. Sure, it wasn’t necessary for me to relay that I was going to be late coming home from work, or when I made plans with the girls. But out of courtesy, for my parents, I typically did.
Yet, I didn’t really need to consider another person’s feelings or time. When my husband and I moved in together, that naturally and respectfully shifted. Courtesy becomes critical and necessary. It doesn’t mean you lose out on all sense of freedom or independence, but that respect and consideration for your SO’s time, energy, and best interests should trump your ego and sense of entitlement.
You also aren’t going to sync up and do everything the same way. Maybe at first, which will seem undeniably magical – like you were made for each other, right? Just because he was super diligent about keeping the bathroom beard hair-free, in the beginning, doesn’t mean he won’t start to slip. That doesn’t make him lazy, either. Because I’ll tell you what, at first I was overly attuned to and aware of everything to avoid being…well…human; I couldn’t allow him to find a single, long, curly hair of mine on the bathroom floor or shower drain. It’s different now; I can rest assured he Loves me [no less], hair on the floor and all – that doesn’t mean I’m lazy, dirty or disrespectful. Can I get a PRRRRRRRRRRRRREACH!
You won’t always see eye to eye, and you will come across your differences – like the way he loads the dishwasher, how well his cleaning “skills” are, that he’s not very handy, can’t remember where certain things are, doesn’t read the directions putting together furniture, or when it comes to his diet choices.
It’s super important to be mindful that there is no one right way when it comes to these differences, and it isn’t your job to reparent or parentify your partner simply because you share a home. No matter how much freaking space-saving sense it makes to tri-fold over bi-fold. For those who know, know.
long-term expectations; the “wifey” talk
Not everyone will have this expectation, so it varies from person to person. I, for one, moved in with my boyfriend with the expectation that there was the intent of deeper commitment down the line.
I’m talking marriage.
Part of my expectations was that I would not be treated, labeled as or expected to be a “house wife” or “wifey” simply by moving in together. I wanted the clear notion that we have met this milestone in our relationship because we were on the path toward an ever-lasting commitment. I needed to be sure that he would honor the marital potential, and that we were both on the same marital track.
Even if marriage is not your end-goal, or aspiration, I still think it’s important to discuss future intentions.
Expectations and standards play a major role when conjoining households as far as where the relationship is headed in the long run. My point is – for the ladies who may or may not be looking to one day settle down as Mr. and Mrs. – if he has no intention in making you his wife (or marriage not being one of his aspirations) AND he your husband, but assumes you’ll take on the role as a wife without the commitment, you need to make your expectations in the relationship loud and clear before moving in.
Merging households is a stepping stone, not the end-game or diversion.
the financial spread
Understanding finances, and being “good” with money in general (even if you have very little), is SUPERRRRRR underrated in individuals – PERIOD. And many fail to realize the impact it has on relationships – PERIOD. I could end this section with that, but of course, there’s so much more to it.
Who’s paying what? Are you splitting everything down the middle, putting the bills in one big pot, or basing the finances on each other’s salary? Will one person take care of all the bills, while the other takes on the groceries, toiletries, and household repairs?
It’s no secret – money is one of the major pitfalls and causes of stress, tension, and conflict in relationships, and marriage. Money can be – scratch that, IS – a sensitive topic for many, as far as who makes what, savings, spending lifestyle, debt, and budgeting. Alas, because nobody wants to be taken advantage of let alone being dictated.
The biggest contender I find that negatively contributes to the issue with money among couples (at any given stage in a relationship) is the lack of transparency and financial respect that drives a wedge in the relationship. Money in relationships is seemingly off limits, which I think can be harmful! It then becomes a weapon of control. If you’re in a committed relationship, and you live together, it means you’re committed to not only each other but making it work in unison.
This does mean having each other’s best interest and consideration for one another out of respect. You can’t claim financial independence, yet expect him to be the one in compliance with financial equality. For example, therefore, you can’t expect him to monitor his spending on “dumb, unnecessary purchases” while justifying splurging on yours and calling it “essential” or a “necessity“.
[Related Read: 3 BIG money questions couples need to be asking]
Either route you’re going…openness, transparency, and compromise are key. *PSA: I’m not talking about swapping bank account info here.
You should discuss your personal lifestyles – your “luxuries” and “taste” in your spending lifestyle; how you spend the money you make. Some people require the finer things in life, they’ll compromise other things to have it and do whatever means necessary to maintain that. Others live within their means, or who don’t fancy or require a lavish lifestyle or of things – these individuals are often depicted as non-aesthetic, vanilla or “frugal/cheap”. Then there are those who can’t afford much, live paycheck to paycheck (people who live for the finer things in life can ALSO be this way), struggle to pay their bills just to have the basics, and only buy what they need.
Sure, in the beginning (prior to moving in together and merging the finances), he may have zero thought or opinion on the fact you go to the salon every 6 weeks (on top of other things). Or you’re unbothered that he gambles with the guys every Friday night (and loses far more than he gains half the time). The truth is, spending habits can go in one ear and out the other before conjoining your financial lives in one household. Many likely promising to uphold the “Not my monkey, not my circus“.
THIS IS THE FINANCIAL REALITY: people control the money yet money can (negatively) consume and control people (for the worst). And money can be the easiest target to come between a relationship.
But consider what happens when you are met with financial crisis, where *unnecessary* or irresponsible spending habits are the first to be in question. So it’s important to grasp one another’s spending and figure out if each of those lifestyles suits the financial budget as a whole. *That whole may simply be sharing rent (whereas otherwise, you keep all other finances entirely separate). It doesn’t have to mean “my money is their money; their money is my money.”
This is also the time to go over each of your personal financial goals and that as a couple. You should be able to talk openly about debt, personal expenses, and your credit score (more so whether you’re able to pay off your credit cards in full or only the minimum balance each month). If you’re living financially as a team, one should never have to reap the financial consequences of the other.
In this sense, one person is usually the saver and the other is a spender. And that’s fine for as long as each person is open to compromise or to do what is necessary for the financial best interest of the relationship and both parties in it. Time and time again I get wind of ADULTS who continue to rack up their own credit card debt while leaning on the assumption or expectation that their partner will take the fall (work extra, pay that debt off since they make more money, [etc.]).
It’s important to have discussions about an individual budget, overall spending, and what each partner can safely contribute financially, regardless of who makes what. Because it won’t always be 50/50 equal. My husband made 3x more money than I did, yet he never expected me to contribute to half the mortgage. So ask yourselves what you can both afford while still making room to save money. How much is too little or too much to spend on an apartment together? Compromise and respect are major key points to financial growth as a couple.
The big questions are: where do you draw the line financially, what financial sacrifices are you willing to make, and where are you willing to compromise?
compromise and sacrifice, speaking of
Moving in together is a major emotional milestone, likely assuming our lives will go on just the same as it was on our own, but we make the mistake of expecting it to be and stay on a certain, linear path. This is why some couples may go through a state of imbalance, shock, or struggle. Another person in your almost constant presence can be an adjustment period, especially when this person is valued romantically.
While it is very important to hold onto our own individuality, autonomy, and sense of self, there’s also the essence of “sharing” your lives together in the same household. Nobody freely calls the shots anymore, and you have someone else’s feelings and respect to consider. The same as you would for a roommate. But you’re not roommates, you’re in a relationship, so there’s far more complexity to cohabitation. From choosing the location to live between both your commutes, what furnishings stay and go, as well as when and how often it is appropriate to invite guests or friends over (because nobody truly wants to be unaware of or inconvenienced by their partner’s parents just *showing up*).
Also think about how will you share, conquer or divide the menial tasks of certain responsibilities. Who will stay on top of any household repairs, who is the most likely to be able to take off work (to take a sick pet to the vet), and who can most conveniently shop for and prepare meals as well as keep up with household chores (when and how often)? In a relationship there’s more focus on what makes the most SENSE, and less about making everything exactly 50/50. IDK, maybe it’s just me but I think in relationships the focus should be on how to make each other’s lives a little bit easier, and that may not LOOK or BE 50/50.
It’s also easy to think that moving in will increase the amount of time you spend together. If you think about the time you spend together living separately, you’ll notice that you devote a number of hours enjoying one another’s company – talking, laughing, sharing intimate moments, and giving one another your undivided attention (I hope). It wasn’t long after moving in with my [now] husband that we began to notice how often we engaged in “moments in passing” over quality time, such as getting ready in the morning before and after returning from work, and on the weekends or our days off when we spent more time on our phones, video games or computer in separate rooms.
While this is natural, right, because before moving in it was “normal” for me to take time to myself to unwind after work, or it was “normal” for my husband to play some video games during his free-time. We confuse the idea that our free-time now is not necessarily free, but that it should always/constantly involve our partner. Or couples will lean toward the other extreme where you’re in each other’s presence but you’re not actually present, acknowledging or engaging with one another. There’s significance in finding that balance that works for both individuals, where you can enjoy both individual free-time as well as quality time together. These efforts, over time, can dwindle or become part of a routine, so each partner must become more proactive.
So, think of it like this: are you willing to, at times, sacrifice weekly Friday night happy hour with friends in order to give your relationship the quality time and attention it needs? Without taking offense.
And also this: are you willing to understand and respect your partner’s need and request for personal, alone time (to do whatever that is), even if that doesn’t include you? Without taking offense.
the 50/50 divide; the 100/100 truth
How will you divide shared or mutual obligations? Not just with the finances, but like menial tasks such as cleaning, home upkeep as well as the mental load of all things alike? Maybe one person cooks (because they’re better at it) while the other cleans, is responsible for stocking the fridge and toiletries, or tends to the bills and yard work. “BuT tHaT’s NoT fAiR – i CoOk eVeRyDaY wHeN hE oNlY cLeAnS wEeKlY.”
Again, equal value in efforts big, small, or far and few in between. I’m now [mostly] considered a stay at home wife while my husband is the breadwinner who manages the finances (because he’s *better* at it; after all, he has the college degree in Finance), YET he views my efforts [work] EQUAL IN VALUE to his.
Also food for thought to consider,
- You might make more money than him, or vice versa.
- You might have way more flexibility in your job, or vice versa.
- He might work longer, taxing (overnight) hours, or vice versa.
- You have a strict diet, a set order of operations, a standard of cleaning when he doesn’t, or vice versa.
- He has more days off or more vacation/sick time than you, or vice versa.
- You have a shorter commute to and from work or work from home, or vice versa.
I could quite LITERALLY go on. Does this excuse qualities of a healthy partnership? No, of course not, but damn we can certainly neglect the meaning of this quote, “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.“
You can have a written contract set in stone, but here’s the filthy, dirty truth: a healthy relationship won’t always be 50/50. And the harder you try the faster the relationship will end up being 0/0.
The even dirtier truth: it may rarely ever be 50/50 – at least not in all or every aspect, and certainly not consistently or how you want it, when you want it. If you were living with a roommate you might say you split everything 50/50 down the middle. 50/50 implies that you are only required to give your half at all times (which is technically the bare minimum in relationships, by the way). Why? Because you’re not emotionally or romantically invested in a roommate. In a sense, when we treat our SO the same way, that once we reach our 50% capacity we can stop all efforts until our SO fills their half of the relationship cup.
That’s like saying, “I will only Love you up to 50% because, ultimately, I refuse to give more than I receive. And what I give is strictly based on what you’re willing and able to give in return.” And then this creates a relationship based on transactional Love.
I’m sorry, but, that’s not how Love works. Nor is that the “freedom” mentality people talk about wanting in a relationship. If my husband depends on my 50% in order to give or reach his, we’re in big trouble. Just like you’re also in trouble if you’re constantly giving 100% while your partner gives 0. And letting the laundry pile up or leaving the dishes in the sink for over a week because it’s your SO’s turn to take care of those duties isn’t going to alert or convince them to fulfill their end of the bargain.
Again, we shouldn’t need to reparent or parentify our partner or the relationship. That’s way, in terms of the finances and this 50/50 mindset couples would greatly benefit by focusing on equity since the relationship balance scale is not linear – it tips constantly. Sometimes severely to one side, temporarily, where one or the other will need to be willing to pick up the slack without keeping tabs on their partner to pay the remaining balance down the road.
morals, boundaries and respect
Just because you’re living under the same roof doesn’t mean integrity goes out the window. If anything, it’s even more important – whether that be about gender roles, courtesy, consideration and respect, setting boundaries, or personal identity and space.
Don’t forget – you’re still dating. The rules still apply even though you wake up and go to bed together each day.
I’m pretty independent when it comes to my time (in the introverted, valuing solitude, kind of way), so going from having a lot of time to myself to sharing my time in the presence of someone else far more often was a major transition after moving in together.
Let’s just say at first my husband didn’t really understand my need for space, solitude, or time to recharge from socializing with friends and family – more often than him.
The need for space can sometimes be overlooked as rejection or emotional distance, so it’s important that the need be clarified in order to avoid unnecessary turmoil. So if it’s personal “me time” and space you or your SO requires, this should be voiced, valued and respected.
[mailerlite_form form_id=23]talk about the *hard* stuff, plus your life and mutual goals
Hopefully this isn’t in the works or bouncing around in your thoughts before moving in together, but it’s crucial to have that backup breakup plan. Nonetheless, it’s important to have your ducks in a row as far as simply renewing that lease, where you will up and move next if someone changes jobs and how you will handle the living situation if one person can no longer financially contribute.
Oftentimes it not even that, it’s about the What-Ifs you’ll face together that pose a need for readiness and preparedness. Granted, you can’t know everything that’s going to occur or prepare for everything down to the T, but it’s more about the awareness and openness to the fact that [these] things can and do happen.
We don’t want to think about these certain things in the moment but, if anything, we need to be mentally prepared. Not necessarily doomsday prepper prepared, but you also don’t want to be a chicken with your head cut off. If you can communicate, delegate, and discuss these major Ifs in your relationship, without it leading to or initiating conflict, you’re in a solid place. It’s important to be able to talk about the sensitive, difficult topics many couples tend to avoid or deflect.
There have been many times my husband and I had to discuss if he was to fall in the line of duty. Gut-wrenching, but very necessary at this point in our marriage. This being just one example.
Be able to open up and discuss your personal goals, like that college you want to attend or dream job you want that would require you to live states away, as well as your mutual goals as a couple. Where would you both like to be in 5 years? Your personal, individual growth should be parallel to the relationship growth – I believe this is more than possible and should be prioritized as well as nurtured.
the no-brainers; me (and my beloved dog) were a package deal
I know I talked about the importance of compromise and sacrifice, but that doesn’t negate the fact we all have deal breakers. I wasn’t going to move in with someone who couldn’t accept me and my furbaby. That’s that.
While to many people this may seem pretty unreasonable and unrealistic, but to me those “many” are the very people I would never entertain relationship-wise to begin with. So, also, there’s that.
Before making the decision to move in together, figure out your no-brainer, no questions asked, no exceptions, it’s all or nothing package deal breakers. The last position and worst-case scenario you ever want to be in are your deal-breakers being tested or sacrificed.
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