Hello to the innocent, closet-weird, shy girl of the early 2000s. You’re 30 now, and I have yet to actually take the time to let you in on my secrets on Love and teenage boys as you enter that magical phase of your life. You’ll probably roll your eyes at me (your future husband LOVES when you do that) but seriously, though, some of this stuff may come as no surprise to you since you were a late bloomer to “girlhood” – having a tomboyish personality and all. But I think that gives you the upper hand because you have always seemed to easily relate to boys from a young age. And that’s nothing to feel ashamed of.
That said, I know you act older for your age and you have an itch for intellect – the deeper, makes-you-question-life-and-existence kind of conversations – so this is stuff you’re actually going to take with you as you navigate your first crush, first taste of heartbreak, first real relationship, first breakup and first great love.
And because I know you, I know you hate surprises, small talk makes you cringe, and you have to have all the answers to plan accordingly for the future (because you need to be in control at all times). So here is my letter (and words of wisdom) to you as you embark on your teen years of Love and teenage boys.
An Open Letter To My Teenage Self About Love + Boys [Words Of Millennial Wisdom]
No, girl, his hurtful behavior doesn’t mean he “likes” you. Go ahead – write this on your mirror with lipstick (wait, you probably aren’t into that yet so use your gel pens on a sticky note) and never forget it: Love never hurts. Heartbreak, now that hurts, but it’s a pain meant to affirm the Love you need to give yourself.
Therefore, a single ounce of mockery, harassment, dominance, or aggression of any kind is not loving, it’s abuse. I know you know this because you were brave enough to risk a friendship by confronting your best friend’s mother about her abusive ex-boyfriend. But don’t let that make you a martyr by putting all guys in a box one-size-fits-all. Just know that the way he treats you has everything to do with him and how he feels about himself – he weighs down and hurts others to compensate for his own pain (or tiny wiener) – you choose which option fits best.
And you’re not responsible or tolerating it.
Some guys are going to tell you things you want to hear. And you’ll believe it because him showing you attention has you weak in the knees – especially coming from one of the popular boys you’re crushing on but secretly know is one hell of a player. So make sure to read that sentence again… slowly.
Talk is cheap.
He may tell you exactly what you want to hear not because it isn’t true or how he feels about you, but for personal gain or as a way to keep you from discovering his deception. I know you’re young, resilient, and basically invincible, but trust me when I say that you will need to understand the difference between integrity and someone who has mastered the game of catch and release.
He’s mastered it because he’s continually gotten away with it. The guy with integrity knows that actions speak louder than words and that words and actions must match.
Don’t let Love sweep your friends under the rug. I know that once you meet him, kiss for the very first time and see yourself spending every. waking. minute. with him… it will seem as if everything else in your little world no longer exists, or needs to. You’ll start day-dreaming about being stranded on a deserted island together, and be overcome with this odd sense of peace and excitement at the same time.
Inevitably, you will begin choosing him over your friends for Friday night girl’s night. And even then, you’ll be clinging to your phone instead of giving your friends the attention they also deserve.
I beg you – as much as your heart tells you it’s what’s right – never let your friends become the dust in the aftermath. And, yes, they’ll do it to you, too. But be the better example of friendship, even for yourself. You are going to want your friends around if and when he is gone, so don’t neglect them in this phase of your life.
Maintain that space for them as you have made for your Love for him.
I know you think he is it, he’s the one, but it’s just the “high” talking. And it’s like no other high you will experience. The troublesome part is you will be hellbent on only experiencing it once – convinced that it’s the real thing. You’ll watch as your friends seem to bounce from one boy to the next like it ain’t no thang, while you’re envisioning walking down the aisle to him.
What you don’t know is that high is a huge chunk as to why many adult couples break up and get divorced in the first place. So do try to take this positively when I say you still have a lot to learn. Yet I want nothing more than to let you relish in that weightless feeling you’ll have, but at the same time the reformed logical part of me is also counting down to its end. Right now you are just far too young to understand, but one day you will – I promise.
Am I saying your feelings aren’t real? Absolutely not. Your feelings are very real, but what’s absent at this point in your life is reality. You see life through a Rose colored lens, and you’re free of the responsibilities of adulthood – that’s exactly the way it’s supposed to be. So enjoy the high… nothing more.
Good guys vs. The Bad Boys – I know you’re smarter than to fall for the charade. Yes, yes, yes, though you were told not to, you just have to flip over all the other cards you could have been dealt – I get it. It doesn’t mean it’s good for you. But who am I kidding, you’re going to do it anyway and kick yourself in the a** later for it.
You’ll learn fairly quickly, though, that the weird, enticing yet exhausting feeling you get for “the bad boys” is addictive for one reason: they always somehow know how to get you to fall for them over and over again. But one day you’ll wake up and discover the truth: No matter how good they look, inconsistency, uncertainty and mindf*ckery (eh, you know that word by now) do not equate to feelings of true L O V E.
Honey, I’m sorry but boys your age aren’t looking for that forever kind of Love – they have way too much growing up to do yet. He will probably tell you he wants to be with you forever, no doubt, but talk of marriage after high school will only slowly push him away. See where I’m going with this? Again, talk is cheap, but he knows he isn’t truly ready for that yet.
Maturing happens at its own pace; some are forced to grow up much earlier in life, and some unfortunately never do. Right now you are in a phase of your life where you have yet to experience critical circumstances of your young adult years (which can change everything on a dime). Think social, emotional and financial independence, fulfilling your dreams and goals (whatever they may be at the moment), sexual experience and exploration, no-strings-attached or non-committal personal growth, and the freedom from having to consider someone else’s best interest and well-being.
I know you say he’s different and not like that, but that’s because he has yet to experience those opportunities in adulthood. Besides, if he can’t yet take care of himself independently (without parental intervention) then he isn’t even close to ready for what it takes to sustain that forever kind of commitment to someone else. And frankly, the thought probably scares the hell out of him.
I know she’s your bestie for life, but sometimes your friends are the last people you should be taking Love advice from. Especially the one who has taken back her cheating EX five times over and who pressures you into doing things that make you uncomfortable or feel you have to do to “measure up”. I know you deeply relate to them and, well, because you’re besties for life (who swear to have each other’s backs), that doesn’t automatically mean they’re qualified to know what’s best for you nor do they instinctively have your best interest in mind. Just because some of your gals have endured some of the worst-case shenanigans when it comes to Love doesn’t mean they’re experts you should take advice from.
Just be careful.
Love at your age may be no more than a status symbol, and that’s normal. In middle school the idea of “having a boyfriend” may barely exceed beyond a social status within your group of friends – you know, the words simply leaving your mouth as you talk hush-hush about it to your friends at the lunch table will feel exhilarating. It’s like getting that shiny new toy, but maybe you’re not ready to take it out of the box and play with it. THAT’S OKAY.
You may hold hands and pass little love notes in the hallway between class, kiss each other before and after school, or sparingly (with mom and dad convinced) get dropped off at the mall for a Saturday night movie. Then you “break up” – it’s awful, maybe even debilitating for a day, then the next it’s like he never existed and you’re crushing on someone else.
This is merely amplified into high school – with confidence – as you are learning to navigate those feelings on more levels and with intensity, experiencing the good and bad from them.
At some point Love will no longer be just a symbol, and you will learn that Love contains lessons – it’s an ongoing learning experience.
Don’t seek attention, seek respect – it’ll last much, much longer. It’s high school, and texting (unlimited) was just discovered – oh boy. As if AOL instant messenger wasn’t already enough, soon you will start sending even more heart emojis and “I Love You Mores”, as well as pictures of yourself (per his request, or maybe because you revel in his reaction), and fingers-freaking-crossed you kept your clothes on.
In actuality it probably goes more like this: he gets your text(x 10), reads it, maybe smirks or huffs a chuckle, puts his phone back down (maybe responds to you, maybe leaves you on read) and goes back to playing his video game. But you’re hormonal now and in your sexual-discovery phase, so you’ll probably do it and find it [gulp] “liberating” – ew, newsflash, it’s not – even if it’s a bit more modest (hello, short skirts). It doesn’t matter what you read in the magazines or all over the media, just because you’re sending a specific message doesn’t mean he can’t receive it differently.
All I’m saying is… if you actually like and respect yourself, you won’t need this kind of short-spanned attention. And if he truly cares and respects you it won’t be invited, objectified or sexualized in any way.
I know you Love him – those feelings are very real – but this stage of Love is very blind. Who you are now is not the person you will be in 7, 14, 21, 28 years and so on. The same goes for him. You are not an adult living your life independently from your parents, let alone do you truly and fully know you yet – beyond what you want to be when you grow up, the kind of house you want to live in, how much money you’ll make, and IF/when you’ll get married.
And that’s okay, right now you’re not equipped to making those decisions, but you will. As much as you defy your parents right now, telling you all the things you don’t want to hear and doing things that prove they couldn’t care less about your (love)happiness, there really is a reason – I promise.
You have so many years of big decisions to juggle, mistakes to make and difficult obstacles to climb (and at times failing to do so). You will experience both pain and happiness on new levels (even at the same time, or one more than the other) that uncover the depths of who you truly are, shape your world and unveil who you become as a person. You will also experience Love again later in life – with the same feels you have now, just different– yet you will have accepted that they are only temporary and that Love goes beyond what you think you already know.
Having a boyfriend doesn’t make you whole. Because the last thing you want to do is give anyone the authority over your sense of self, or purpose as a human being. You need to be whole on your own. Sure, having others in your life is encouraged to make you more, but not whole. Nevertheless, it is certain that people you meet in your life can bring out the best in you, and the worst. Obviously that is all up to who you allow in your life and something only you can learn from.
When you Love, you Love hard, but please, please, please don’t allow heartbreak to make you bitter. You are stronger than your feelings. Do not allow one bad apple to cause you to trash the entire bushel. The pain he caused you should never be inflicted on someone who never cut you. Heartbreak is not meant to make you bitter, but a way to make you better for the one deserving of you.
Hold onto the innocence and youth of your Love… because the media is going to do anything and everything to brainwash you. I need you to brace yourself for this one, because it’s about to get real, and real ugly. And I know right now you can’t think of anything you love more than the lengths your boyfriend will go to make you happy, and vice versa. Hold onto that… for as long.. as you can.
[*Grabs your face and squeezes your cheeks in the Billy Madison voice*]
Sooner or later there will be pressure towards a shift in dynamics surrounding gender equality in relationships. And in that time, if not already, the media is going to gaslight you by glorifying your existence and potential – yay, *girl power* – yet instill that women are victims of the so-called…patriarchy, or under the control of men.
Among countless things I have read plastered across social media today, the most common are that men are trash, marriage is an institution (or imprisonment), or that no woman should never, ever, EVER depend on a man – if you do, you’re powerless and oppressed. At this day in age, people are kissing chivalry and courtship goodbye without even knowing it. And truth be told, many are here for it – men included.
So, yeah, the way you count on him to meet you at your locker after 3rd and 5th period? It means you’re a lost, scared puppy without him, so toughen up buttercup and be independent. Because as the media would have it, you don’t need a man, and “you. should. never. rely. on. one.” And sure, at your age, need is a fairly strong word because it implies ‘survival’ – so let’s call it a want. But in reality, humankind needs men, so why is it grossly taken out of context romantically?
Because it implies women are, again, incapable without men. You’ll see, the media even destroys iconic Disney movies because they all depict a self-sacrificing “Princess” in need of “saving” or rescuing (from a man). I know, sis, it’s barbaric. Trust me, in 15 years when you finally meet your Prince (which, *spoiler alert*, you will), you’re not going to be afraid to admit you N E E D him, because you’ll have the emotional intelligence to understand that it doesn’t literally mean you won’t s u r v i v e without him.
And that’s just the beginning. You know how he sometimes surprises you with flowers, holds your books or opens your doors at school? So, so sweet, right? Yeah, but they want to put an end to that stuff too because boys doing anything nice, special and out of respect for girls implies we are incapable and incompetent. Like as if boys have no clue that we can do all that stuff for ourselves and they’re trying to control us or something, right?
[face palm] But see, I know you’re smart because you’d say, “But I like when he does that stuff – it makes me feel special to him, and it makes him feel happy, too.” Ding. Ding. DING.
Unfortunately, there will come a time where boys will start to catch on that certain romantic gestures are no longer seen as expected, or admirable. In fact, they’re revolting. Take note as you listen to girls in the locker room or bathroom, you’ll start to hear the chatter, “It’s like he thinks I’m stupid or something. I don’t need his protection, ugh, I can take care of myself.” The thing is, she just doesn’t like him, so the behavior is seen as creepy and offensive. But if he were someone she actually liked, she’d walk backward for him and call it maturity and selflessness. Obviously opening doors for people is a universal sign of respect despite your relationship with a person or gender, but nobody outwardly offers to carry a stranger’s bags, shield them from the possible danger of oncoming traffic or open their car door for them without apparent reason. Romantically, it’s a courtesy gesture that is fairly dependent on moral upbringing, and for [most] girls it’s downright romantic when it comes from a guy they actually “like”.
BUT, nowadays with chivalry and courtship in decline, these are seen as having too high of expectations. Which means, you guessed it, he can bypass all the lovey-dovey stuff (that most girls actually do like) because he can win your heart doing absolutely nothing. Or better yet treat you like you are one of his bros.
Honestly, I could go on, but it would be pretty useless to try and explain it all because you just won’t be able to comprehend its complexity. At this point for you, ignorance is bliss, and you just need to revel in the innocence of romance right now as well as appreciate it. Most of all, I just need you to stand your ground and fight for your Prince Charming…because he exists. You’ll meet him in 2012 – you just don’t know it yet.
In the meantime, avoid the Koolaid at all costs, my sweet girl.
[mailerlite_form form_id=23]Engrave the word “No” into your mental vocabulary, and never be uncertain to use it. Learn to say no with your words, eyes, body language, tone, facial expression, posture, movement and by outreach (don’t. be. afraid. to. get. help.) And as a very last resort, say no with your fists.
Silly me, I know that fear can be paralyzing. You’ll feel that often in adulthood, when fear stems from worry and control. So right now, standing up for yourself, drawing that line, or speaking up might upset him. And you’re scared of shooing him off and that he will easily up and leave to find someone else.
[30 year old me] GOOD.
But that’s not what you want right now. “No” is such a powerful word, and honestly if a word has him running for the hills…let it. He will face so many more difficult situations when he is older than not getting what he wants or having his way. Besides, if he can’t respect you for honoring yourself how the hell can it be true when he says he Loves you?
I know I don’t have to remind you of this, but don’t forget about taking care of you. And because I know you’re better than to sacrifice evvvvery bit of yourself for a boy, I’m going to instead remind you it’s okay that you do.
It’s totally cool if you don’t respond to his text all day because you’re anxiously studying for a test, or simply because you’re too enveloped in playing Skyrim (for the third day in a row since you bought it). You are doing what you need to do for you and nurturing the relationship you have with yourself. Self-love is not selfish or neglecting.
You also don’t need to push beyond your limits or change for him. I’m not oblivious – I know you’re not a huge makeup fan, so why are you piling it on when you see him? Stop feeling like you have to constantly meet his approval, or what you think his standard of a “pretty, likable girl” looks like. You don’t need to heighten and soften your voice around him, be extra girly to hide your tomboyish-ness, dress revealing, be touchy feely, pretend laugh at his dry, awful humor, or bat your eyelashes flirtatiously at all times…if in your heart you have no desire to. When you start doing things because you should is when you will be more likely to become someone you’re not as well as do and say against your will.
So don’t ever let a guy tell you that you’re supposed to give up yourself, your life and change for him.
