Dear Stranger,
After many years, my mind is often stricken with, “Why?” For everything.
Why did you come into my life knowing it would come to this? It was impossible then, and still difficult to grasp now, that many friendships are meant to be lessons.
Why did we become so close if we knew at one point our friendship wouldn’t be worth it? I was oblivious to the fact that people change, and that change may not be parallel of one another.
Why did I open myself to you just to be shunned away when I needed you most? I hadn’t realized the scope of what we expect in others, and that my vulnerability should not be dependent on your emotional capacity.
Why did I believe our friendship would build years and years of memories to come when you obviously didn’t feel the same? I’ve learned that each individual values a friendship differently – some more or less, and this varies from person [friend] to person [friend].
Why did our changes have to change ‘us’? How selfish I was for thinking our friendship should remain a constant at the expense of our individual growth.
Why can’t we just hold onto what was good and not let our differences define what connected us in the first place? Because I realized, as now an adult, that our values shape who we are and how we connect with others; we often neglect the good we have until we’ve totally lost it.
Why does it feel like you could suddenly care less about me, after years of being labeled your best friend? I was sadly mistaken. The title doesn’t guarantee a lasting friendship; though I’ve learned the term Best Friend can still be true for that time, whether it remains or not.
Why can’t I just move on, and forget you? Moreover, why can’t I just accept that sometimes life brings two strangers together, they become friends, but ultimately endure an estranged fate.
28 years it takes me to realize just this: I can’t be both legs of support in this friendship. And I can’t expect you to extend a leg you obviously don’t have, or aren’t willing to give.
Yes, people in life come and go – for a reason and maybe only a season. I get that. That is called Life. We now have our own busy, chaotic lives, other friends, and higher-tiered priorities – I understand, fully. Did I back then? No, because those were the times with so little responsibility and the focus was living to experience, not necessarily to learn or fully understand.
I was taking certain strides to sustain our friendship for the years ahead without actually noticing what was really happening between us. I understand that now – I was in the wrong mindset. I see that now, as my efforts have completely backfired into lessons I will carry with me ongoing. I now understand that if we were meant to be friends – then, now, and ongoing – we simply would be.
We would be better than to hold conflict above one another’s heads, avoid it completely like it didn’t exist (as we often did) or keep tabs on the countless times we canceled plans or mistakenly forgot one another’s birthday (because life just gets the best of us sometimes).
We wouldn’t react with pettiness when one of us bails on girl time because our partner took the day off work, leave texts on Read for days (while noticing one another active on social media) and voicemails unanswered (because sometimes phone tag was our easy way to justify *me time*). And we sure as hell wouldn’t allow other friendships to come in between or interfere with our own.
In the wake of all that is used to test, try and tempt us, we’d still Love and respect each other.
Now in my adult life, I can’t help but believe the only reason for our now estrangement was if not by acceptance or tolerance, then by encouragement.
I needed to know you still cared, even if weeks had gone by without seeing or speaking to each other. I needed you to be there for me during the worst of times, even if I retracted due to the state of my mental health. I needed you to simply hear me out, whether you agreed or not, and make yourself available to listen anyway.
I needed you to be the one with the answers sometimes, or just knowing what to do or how to handle situations when I could make sense of things, rather than to shove everything under a rug where you think it belongs. I needed you to help me, guide me, show me the light, tell me like it is, empathize with me, and just try to understand who I am, not who you needed me to be.
I needed you to take one for the team and go the extra mile sometimes without holding it against me (surely that’s something to understand by now). I needed you to see me as human and imperfect but still able to give me the benefit of the doubt.
In spite of things, because of you I learned the value behind true friendship, but also that friendships can be difficult…especially as we get older. You taught me that friendship is a choice – encompassed by mutual effort, understanding, communication, empathy and forgiveness. Where time apart and life changes are no dictator.
Are there times I wish our paths would cross again? Yes.
Are there times I wish I was able to let go of my pride, just to contact you and know how you were doing after the time lost? Yes.
Are there times where I wish you could simply do the same? Yes.
All I know is that if I were to hear from you, right here, right now – I’d respond to you, immediately.
And I still know at least one thing is true in the memory of us – I still care about you.
Sincerely,
Someone you used to know.
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