Fellow introverts, we know – we have easily been given a bad rep when it comes to relationships. That’s not even including our social skills, life outlook and way of thinking. We are often seen and labeled as unpredictable, anti-social, emotionally unstable, pessimistic, boring and over-analytical perfectionists.
What’s often forgotten is our many strengths – our drive to self reflect, connect emotionally and deeply empathize with others, the ability to listen and prioritize, our quiet temperament and critical thinking, qualities of humbleness and perception as well as our heightened sense of creativity.
While I think our intricate and rather delicate personality is slowlyyy becoming more understood, and accepted, I think we still find it difficult to utilize our strengths in order to maintain healthy relationships.
We are still faced with the problem that we think we are the problem. That because we are less social, we aren’t capable of handling adult social confrontations. Because we enjoy and require solitude, we are considered selfish, boring, anti-social and mentally unstable in relationships.
Which is all entirely untrue. That being said, the very first step to any and every healthy relationship is a healthy mindset. But as an introvert, we need to shift our focus in a slightly different way in order to create and maintain healthy relationships without sacrificing who we are.
an introvert’s guide
to healthy relationships
Set clear boundaries
Two of the very feelings we (introverts) experience when our boundaries are crossed is irritation and resentment. Boundaries in relationships (in general) are incredibly important, because they are the gateway of teaching people how we want to be treated and what we refuse to tolerate.
For me, I hated being smothered.
Many people – girls and guys – would often (seriously) laugh at me in the face, saying I was “absolutely crazy” for not wanting the amount of attention guys were willfully giving me. To me, this wasn’t “attention” – it was desperation. In dating, when I had guys text me constantly – always wondering what I was doing, where I was, and why I wasn’t “engaging” in the same manner (meaning, why I wasn’t texting them as often or showing as much interest in them verbally [through text]) – my automatic response was to pull back. My tone would become flat, and my once endearing thoughts and emotions for them would go dark.
I would quickly grow irritated, and resentful.
But not once did I ever speak up about my need for separation – meaning, I needed my space, without feeling smothered. I deeply regret that – mainly because I had pushed my emotional needs to the back, and labeled them as cold-hearted and invalid.
When that was not true, and wrong of me to do.
We need to have a voice, and to use it. So speak up about your personal boundaries – clearly and early on. Whether it’s kicking them out of your place by a certain hour just so you can earn some alone time before going to bed. Much of the problem is that our boundaries (as introverts) can often be shrugged off, manipulated or dismissed because they’re easily misunderstood. Anyone who is willing to attempt to cross your boundaries – and frankly, not take them seriously – is someone who has no intent to respect you as a person.
Focus on quality, not quantity
It shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that introverts have the drive and ability to form deep connections with others, and our natural focus is not on how many but the quality of those we have.
I’m lucky, and entirely proud, to say that I have two very good friends in my life. As an introvert, that is more than enough for me. The same went for my love life as well – I was not the kind of person who gave my time to multiple people at once. I truly believe that is how I was able to form few, yet seriously long-term relationships.
This is entirely OK – focus on the quality of one individual over only scraping the surface of many, even if you’re in the midst of feeling that rush to find the ultimate love of your life.
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Respect one another’s needs, but don’t give up on your own
Relationships only truly thrive from compromise – we know this, because one of our very qualities is to do everything and anything in our power to be liked and to please people in order to avoid discomfort.
While every aspect is a give and take, it still won’t always be 50/50. It’s still imperative to recognize and respect one another’s personal needs, but also without giving up on your own.
Sure, it was important to your SO that you attend a birthday dinner for one of their friends. It was likely excruciating and exhausting, but you made the conscious effort because that’s what a relationship is all about. Don’t forget – your needs are still just as worthy, even if they are not deemed “normal” or “desirable” in your SO’s eyes.
It’s OK to not go to every single Friday happy hour, Holiday party or family gathering – you’re allowed to not want to. Which means you have every right to speak up and say to your partner, “While I understand your love for being around your friends on Friday nights, I need you to understand my need for solitude. We need to find a compromise.“
Learn to say “NO”
Being an ambivert can definitely have its up and downs – especially since my husband and I share the common ambivert trait, but differ in the areas where we are introverted and extroverted. There are often times I am left with guilt for needlessly wanting to avoid group settings. If my social anxiety is not to blame, it could be that I just simply don’t want to go.
Have I tried justifying my reasoning to be excluded from certain events and plans? Absolutely, I have used the “you should spend time with your friends alone – without me” on my husband a number of times. Granted, I do mean that but eventually it becomes a cycle – knowing the next time I will have to see it through in order to avoid seeming anti-social, lifeless and weak. Also to prove that my introversion has nothing to do with whether I like his friends and family.
In time I have learned that it is not wrong of me to decline events or plans (without reason) when I have felt it to be detrimental. When I don’t adhere to my personal needs, by saying “no“, it can actually become apparent through my lack of enjoyment in social settings.
This was something I wished I had noticed much sooner.
I love my friends – I do. I think they know that – I hope they know that. I also think my very small tight knit group shares similar qualities as me (which actually makes it much more inviting to be social for me), so there is a deeper level of understanding when we cancel plans, and get together one-on-one rather than large groups.
The point is – get comfortable with spelling out your need for healthy boundaries. There are those who will respect and understand that, and those who won’t.
Stop apologizing + relying on permission
My husband and I will be at a party, or group gathering, and are usually one of the last ones to leave. Naturally he is the type who stays the entire duration (out of respect). I am generally the type who would prefer to leave before I feel completely drained (which has a very narrow window, might I add) – even if that means leaving a little early.
Most of the time when that window is surpassed, my mood and attitude shifts dramatically beyond repair for the rest of the time being. Consequently, I basically become a zombie. In fact, contrary to belief, the “drain” is real physically. It is very similar to having taken a sleeping pill (at least for me), as well as increasing back and stomach cramps.
Part of my problem is that I do not take a stand. While I should respect my husband’s will to stay – no, I should not have to get permission to respect my own boundaries, either.
So I do say this with gracious intent – stop apologizing, and you are not required to ask for permission to adhere to your needs. You don’t need to be sorry for why you want to stay in on your Friday night instead of going out on the town, or for not accepting a date after 10pm. You also do not need a reason, or permission, to decline an event or outing for needing a period of solitude.
Instead of asking for permission, start granting yourself permission to respect your personal limits and boundaries.
Ask for a “time out”
As if social gatherings aren’t draining enough, confrontation alone can be overstimulating. More than likely we bottle up our emotions, revert to reverse psychology in order to avoid further discomfort, or mentally shut down when tension strikes.
Introverts are processors. We require the time to process our emotions and words during an argument. We like to know what we are going to say before we say it. The problem is we are sometimes too prideful to redeem that allotted time, and instead will usually react based on our emotions in real-time.
While my husband is never pushy during an argument, I lack the confidence in asking for a “time out” when we are braving the peak of disagreement. Instead, I will usually sit there in silence as he stares me down waiting for a response. What he doesn’t know is the streamline of things I wish in that moment to say to him, even though it wouldn’t be right (or nice). Sometimes my anger is right at the tip of my tongue – I will feel manifest to a twitch in my brow and lip, or as tears that slowly weld up in my eyes. Yet, my automatic response is to hold it all back, to fight it until the moment passes.
Not good.
Be the bigger person and ask for a brief cool down to collect your thoughts and settle your emotions. Not only will that give you both time for clarity, but it will also help both of you reflect the importance of fighting for each other and not against one another.
Let go of the guilt
One of the very things I did far too often was wallow in the feeling that, since my early childhood, I was the one with the problem. That I needed fixing. There was always this impending weight on my shoulders growing up – to either do what felt right for me, or to avoid disappointing my family.
Years and years later, I’m still an introvert. I still have internal meltdowns when having to make a phone call, I’m extremely awkward in certain social settings and conversations, I am terrible at introductions and introducing others, and public speeches are just as agonizing. Even after years of modeling classes, I don’t feel comfortable being the center of attention.
It wasn’t until college, and a newfound sense of independence and confidence, where I recognized other people with the same qualities, quirks and life outlook as me. By the time I got married, it was as if life really smacked me across the face. I strongly began to notice my personal strengths as an individual, and an introvert.
I guess you could say I had finally found me – who I was as an individual. And I was happy with who I saw.
I knew I had been backpacking through my life’s journey with the added weight on my shoulder that just wouldn’t go away – more so because I simply couldn’t accept it. Letting that weight (guilt) go was the first time I felt like I was deserving of someone who would compliment my uniqueness, see me for my strengths and love me more for my weaknesses.
Since then, I’ve stopped feeling guilty for simply not wanting to be involved with as many social settings, having fewer friendships and relationships, and enjoying the comfort of solitude. There’s nothing wrong with that, and we shouldn’t feel ashamed of it – not in life or in our relationships.