Oftentimes I think people view boundaries in marriage as freedom limitations, strict laws imposed on one another, or even a form of punishment. I find that telling when, in fact, boundaries – when used properly and lovingly – make a marriage stronger.
Now I’ve written several other posts on boundaries, and while I have so many I could list off, I wanted to narrow them down to the ones crucial for strengthening marriage, IMO.
Feel free to add to this list in a comment – what are some boundaries for a stronger marriage that have been beneficial for you and your spouse?
9 Boundaries for a stronger marriage
Never raise your voice at one another, unless the house is on fire
Hopefully I got a little chuckle out of this one, but mostly that you get the gist.
We should never be raising our voice at our spouse in any situation or circumstance. This includes the typical yelling and screaming but also speaking over one another – to do that requires one voice to be louder than the other.
To say never might be a stretch, since no one is perfect. Instead, never ought to be the goal, and boundaries aid in responsibility and accountability. Therefore, when you see me use never, think of it like that.
Fair? For those in opposition, or believe this request is rather unsettling or unrealistic, then I ask you to reflect on why raising your voice to your spouse is loving and necessary in the first place.
Your spouse comes first, before friends, the kids work and extended family
Many aren’t going to like the fact I put the kids on this list as well. The thing is, it’s not always about basic functional and survival needs – of course your children deserve the utmost of those things. What I am saying is that the de-prioritization of your spouse can have negative consequences on the foundation of any marriage over time – with or without kids.
If things like work, hobbies and other personal desires or other connections like friends and extended family take precedence over your spouse…the life-long commitment to your marriage suffers.
[Related Read: 16 Non-negotiable boundaries to have with in-laws]
It’s not to say these things can’t be a priority in your life, but in the grand scheme of any healthy and strong marriage is two individuals who put one another first and have the other’s best interest in mind and at heart.
Avoid deliberate secrecy against your spouse, unless it’s a birthday gift
It may not exactly be realistic to be a completely open book about everything all the time, which is why I emphasized with the word deliberate. Intentionally or purposefully keeping things, especially sensitive and [potentially] jeopardizing matters, from your spouse should always be a big marriage No-No.
To add fuel to this fire, secrecy is also lying to your spouse, even if by omission. Therefore, boundaries against secrecy are likely something understood yet not always upheld objectively. Meaning, people subjectively decide for themselves what is secretive and what they’re entitled to keep secret, regardless of if it hurts their spouse or marriage.
Rather than the focus being on our deserving of preservation and privacy (i.e., keeping certain information to ourselves and without disclosure) a strong marriage focuses on our partner’s deserving of transparency, especially when it matters (i.e., in building trust, closeness and vulnerability).
Communicate and respect possessions and spaces
As a married woman, I’m honestly trying to think of anything particularly I consider “off limits” to my husband. Moreover, I don’t need to label anything as being “off limits” simply because my husband does not abuse or take advantage of anything that is mine to deem “off limits”.
If anything, my computer, since I use it primarily for my “work” but it’s the only one we have in our home. Even then, I don’t consider it “off limits” to my husband, yet he will usually and almost always sweetly say, “Can I use your computer?” or “I need to use your computer,” to which I say is *our* computer, and that he doesn’t need my permission (and, yes, sometimes he doesn’t “ask”). You see how trust and respect here go hand in hand?
While this isn’t everyone’s case, it does beg the question as to what boundaries are necessary in terms of individual property (possessions) and personal spaces, such as with our digital devices and social media.
When it comes to devices such as cell phones, computers, and other personal property, is there anything you consider Hands Off, No Exceptions?
Let’s also touch on the other perspective – are there *restrictions* you feel are too rigid, demoralizing (to marriage) and imposing where reversal boundaries may be necessary?
Digital devices & Social media
With the focus on boundaries for a stronger marriage, trust and respect must be at the forefront, which also includes accepting responsibility and accountability. So what might boundaries surrounding our digital devices look like?
[Related Read: Social media boundaries your relationship NEEDS]
- A boundary against prying or snooping through these devices unwarranted, unnecessarily and excessively. I.e., Going through your partner’s DMs at will, without consent or because you *can* (you feel you’re entitled to it since your partner gave you that access).
- A boundary against proactively and defensively guarding, locking, deleting, and hiding our devices and socials. I.e., Changing the passcode on your phone (and refusing to share that information) in order to deliberately keep your partner from having access.
Newsflash for everyone insanely offended by either of these: the boundaries on both sides can exist and function at the same time.
Never shut your spouse down or out, especially in conflict
Can you imagine what this looks like? Are you guilty of it? Because I know I am, and while I won’t be able to pinpoint the exact situation, I know this is true because I have experienced feeling offended and getting defensive with my husband. I’ve certainly invalidated his feelings in confrontation, and I have also kept him in the dark with my own.
Again, since I touched on my use of never in the first point of this post, it isn’t necessarily about perfectionism but improvement (with grace and mercy). Using myself as an example here, I can’t say or promise I won’t stumble, but that my goal is to equip myself with better shoes for hiking steeper, bumpier territories.
Hopefully that makes a lick of sense.
That being said, when something is a boundary, I am more conscious about whether or not I engage in [said behavior]. A boundary is also considered a warning, and in a strong marriage couples hold one another accountable when the alarm has been tripped.
Honor and respect each other’s physical and emotional space
I love my husband, I do, but I also still value my physical and emotional space. And I stand on that a strong marriage both honors and respects that. This goes both ways, where some need more or less space. It’s merely figuring out what that looks like to you.
For me, not every second of every day do I want to be touched, there are certain moments in the emotions I experience that I prefer to be left alone, and I value time to myself to do things that I Love without him involved.
While many might say my examples are disconnect or detachment, I would argue that when my boundaries pertaining to physical and emotional space are honored and respected, this actually facilitates connection.
I should also say, in this point, that it’s less about a boundary and more about communicating an in-the-moment preference. Though I feel the boundary becomes something more when these moments are, again, not being honored and respected.
Never cross or take advantage of your spouse financially
This one is an underrated biggie. And since being married this is something I’ve only come to recognize more and more among couples.
Sometimes this is as simple as one partner making a large purchase despite the other partner’s opposition or request. I.e., you decided, anyway, to buy the couch your partner didn’t exactly say no to but has asked that you wait until enough funds were allocated to the account. And I see examples like this SO often, and it’s always brushed off and buried under a rug.
Again, underrated, but a strong marriage comprises of two individuals who are on the same respective team financially.
[Related Read: Fear not – how to talk about the finances in relationships and marriage]
Keep your matters private, with the exception of couple’s therapy
Like I said, with the exception of disclosing certain information to a therapist, no one should know your business in your marriage. As much as we’re told to confide with others, such as trusted friends and family or anonymously with those online, I still believe this is sticky, mucky territory to cross.
When marriage is no longer sacred, we’re defenseless and exposed, which makes us super vulnerable and tempted to seeking or turning to The World (and those in it) when it comes to matters within commitment. What you do, essentially, is allow dirty hands that do not belong to taint, meddle with and manipulate what goes on inside the marriage.
A strong marriage keeps others out and from coming in, as well as keeps matters within without outside exposure.
*As always, this point does not take into account situations of abuse. If you are in a situation where you feel unsafe or fear for your life, you are advised to seek help.
Never abuse your spouse’s trust as a means to take risks or tip toe along boundary lines
It’s that “My spouse trusts me, so nothing’s off limits – I can do and get away with whatever I want” energy. Unfortunately, so many couples operate in that energy – always blurring lines, pushing limits, accepting risks and tip-toing along boundary lines. And they know it, too.
[Related Read: Boundaries you need to protect your marriage from an affair]
For example, if your partner trusts you with the opposite sex, that’s not a welcome invitation to,
- seek out or respond inappropriately to others in your DMs,
- repeatedly take your *knowingly and admittingly* attractive co-worker to lunch when you have no business doing so,
- secretly communicate with your EX even if your partner won’t know or find out,
- have conversations with the opposite sex pertaining to sex,
- …and obviously there are many more.
A weak marriage says, “They trust me, so I can do whatever I want,” while a strong marriage says, “They trust me, which means I will continue to reinforce that, not abuse it.“