Or, for those who may need better clarity, here’s to detecting the guy who’s only in it for the sex. But more importantly, the ways to find a man after your heart, not a body count. Still, sometimes it’s much easier to find Waldo in villain form first, so that’s the focus here. This post may not entirely rub you the right way, buuuuut that’s kind of the point because where there’s discomfort in our lives is something needing to surface.
It’s honestly shocking, but also not surprising, how insanely difficult and combative this is – you know, finding someone who doesn’t place sex at the forefront. It REALLY doesn’t help that we live in a sexually-liberated and celebrated culture, and therefore hyper-sexualized world, where much of our desires revolve around sex. Let’s be real, here.
So I decided to do away with the whole “rooted in biology” nonsense – that we’re *sexual beings*. No, we’re connective beings, and as human beings, we severely lack and have completely denounced self-restraint. Or we just simply don’t care; what we want trumps what we actually need.
*As always, the thoughts, opinions and beliefs throughout this post are entirely my own.
Again, this post is referring to what YOU can do and what YOU can control, so if you were hoping for a man bashing fest of all the things they need to change first, this isn’t it. We’re all responsible for ourselves here, so let’s get to it.
Embrace the “hate” for being unconventional today
I’m just going to say it, yup – embrace being called all the names in the book or labeled stereotypes. For not “putting out” or moving from base to base according to his desired *timeline*. Because, unfortunately, we’re navigating a day in age where it’s WEIRD and undesirable to “save yourself” (*regarding sex). This includes moving slow on the physical scale, period, including kissing.
You also may be seen under a negative light for not always being “easy-going” or chill (going with the [his] *flow*). There’s also the not-so-pretty picture for having certain boundaries (and upholding them) and certainly not for succumbing to unruly wild fire behaviors (Love-bombing, excessive affection and attention).
Basically, that when you’re not *easy* you’re playing hard to get. Ew.
Sincerely, though, we often go out of our way to avoid the names and labels because avoiding a little damage to our ego is worth the expense of our dignity. This actually does far more damage to our self-esteem. At 30-something, I look back now and regret the fear of being called a tease over being “easy”. I think about the number of things I would have done different then now, like denying going back to his place so early on, but there was no telling me otherwise for doing exactly what I wanted at the time (while defiant of any sort of unwanted consequences).
Let’s just say now I’m having to “reparent” myself when I didn’t know better. So, yeah, I carry a different mindset now: it was very unhealthy of me to go around hooking up, craving and caving to the attention of guys because *it felt good* (to be wanted, *desired*, to feel “in control” or liberated). And it’s never been clearer to me: the guy(s) who were after my heart were not the guys with a focus of [trying/wanting to] get in my pants. Instead, I was often met with guys who grew tired of or redacted the “nice guy” or “gentlemen-like” facade when they realized they were actually going to have to put in some effort.
Even our external influences can have a negative impact. I had friends literally celebrating or egging on certain behaviors, like getting trashed and *courageously* making out with some guy at a party, that I now would say screams desperation and a cry for help. By conforming to what everyone else is doing, or “the trend”, you’re an easy target. By setting yourself apart from what everyone else is doing, celebrating or enabling, you become a moving target. And, LBR, nobody likes a moving target.
The thing is, the guy whose after your heart won’t be phased by this because hitting a target isn’t even his goal. He doesn’t view you as something, like a challenge to win (as a prize), but someone to earn and continue earning (in terms of trust and respect). There’s a major difference.
Don’t buy into his “physical” Love Language ideology
I worded that bullet point so it would be easier to understand. Granted, a guy may never, ever reference anything about “Love Language” but he WILL say things like [similar to, but not word for word] using sneaky, sneaky language:
“You just turn me on – I can’t help it; sex is how I feel more *connected*…“,
“Being intimate [physical] is how I know you really like me and I really like you..“,
“[Wanting to have] Sex means we are *progressing*..” or “..this is the next step for me/us.“,
“You reject me or keep denying me [of sex, physical intimacy]..” [The key words “reject” and “deny”, this implies that rejection/denial influences his interest in you], and
“I’m just a really touchy-feely kind of person..” .. [He’s really referring to “sex”, which means he revolves physical intimacy around sex as a way to try speeding up the process by guilting you into tolerating his touchy-feely-ness, or desire for affection]. *This can often make women feel like they have to endure being uncomfortable and just accept his bids for physical affection because “it’s who he is”. No ma’am, no.
Don’t. buy. into. this. If we are to take the “Love Languages” into account, that is theology for the committed, not for singlehood. Unfortunately we live in a day in age where not only Love equates to Sex but Sex equates to Love, which is dangerous for those noncommittal.
The man whose in it for your heart does not confuse sex for Love and Love for sex because he does not view sex as the glue OR the determinant. FYI, we only test drive cars before buying them because 1. we can (doesn’t mean we should but, you know, *free will*), and 2. because it’s way more *fun* and convenient to get a feel for the ride without any strings attached. *We shouldn’t want to play people in this manner since the way I just described is actually fairly degrading, including to ourselves.
All in all, there are ways to find a man whose initial desire isn’t to test drive to know it’s a high value, worthy vehicle – just saying.
Love-bombing doesn’t equate to courtship
Please, please, please bear with me on this one. Nobody even likes that term courtship anymore because of its traditional implications, but whatever. Yet we’re all about that Love-bombing, aren’t we? All day, every day. Even when we know, deep down, there’s still something missing. That’s because Love-bombing is actually selfish and manipulating. It comes from a place of emotional impulse, over-stimulation, insecurity, instant gratification, infatuation and compensation (transactional).
I would go as far to say that Love-bombing presents the opposite of Love and respect. Oop.
Personally, back when society called for the eradication of courtship (and still is)…Love-bombing slowly took its place. Yayy. While I’m sure men would agree that courtship was considered *work*, they would also agree that dating today is *more work* [difficult, undesirable]. I think women would also agree that even men today are the most difficult to date.
Now that the traditionalism of chivalry and courtship are seemingly in decline, we are still left with the unhealthy behaviors of the arrogant, elusive, covert and avoidant as well as the infamous insecure, hyper-sensitive, clingy and overbearing.
Love-bombing, IMO, is *more work* because not only does it condense the emotional progression of a connection, but it deceptively forces it into existence (even if it’s not really there) then amplifies it outside the parameters of what would normally be considered “falling in Love”. Confused? Let’s just say it’s Fake Love.
Love-bombing is simply the Dead End road to burn out, always. It’s like chemistry or interest on steroids. Oh, wait, that’s called infatuation! Though it may temporarily *feel* good, the adverse effects are damaging one way or another.
ANYWAY, my point here is to note that Love-bombing has replaced courtship, and can often be used as a way to tug on your heart strings – again, to falsify and amplify a “connection”, one that is often premature and chemically-induced in nature. Even possessiveness and jealousy has taken the form of Love-bombing, since it’s behaviors are often used as a way of control or for reciprocity [compensation].
Even Christian GRAY exuded possessive and jealous behaviors!
The guy who is after your heart knows that what it takes to earn you will not be a sprint, but a marathon. With that said, he is willing to wait, and he doesn’t rush connection because earning you doesn’t mean he’s entitled to you or getting something in return. On top of that, he is grounded and self-controlled – meaning, you won’t see him ambushing you with affection (sweet words) and attention (sweet actions) or putting his [sexual] *needs* unapologetically on display.
