*Tssssttttt <- I was going for that sizzle sound, there. Anyway, if you feel like you’ve hit a roadblock in the marriage *romance* department and it has become seemly difficult to reignite the fire in your bellies for one another, or just to keep it lit, then this post is for you. Whatever side street or off-the-beaten-path you are walking, it is always possible to find your way back onto the main road. In other words, keeping the romance alive is certainly achievable even in dry spells – with 5 spontaneous ways to keep marriage HOT.
*And I’m not just talking about sex, here.
Sometimes I think couples get the wrong idea when it comes to “the spark”, or the romance. That this is something that should happen effortlessly and naturally if it were organic, authentic, and genuine. While this can be true, it simply isn’t always the case. Busy lives, responsibilities, and obligations have their way and take their toll – this is life. Life can get in the way – we know this.
Maintaining that hot passion in marriage isn’t and won’t always come easy – if it were, well, we would get complacent, and when we are complacent (comfortable), we stop trying. Does that mean comfortability (or complacency) is a bad thing? Not all, no. Being comfortable in your marriage means peace, but we have to be able to distinguish when complacency begins working against your relationship rather than for it. This means the saying works the other way around, too. When things get hard, difficult or dull and lifeless, we also become complacent (thinking it can’t or won’t get any better than it is) and, therefore, we stop trying. As human beings, if we can acknowledge this, then we can understand and accept that marriage isn’t linear, and that effort comes from a place of proactivity (intentionality).
5 Spontaneous ways to keep the marriage HOT
Steal each other away for affection…in public
I’m not talking straight PDA, here. Well, kind of, but no one necessarily has to witness. For instance, pull them in for a smoking hot kiss when no one is looking. Say you go to the movies (we should ALL remember a time like this), and there’s the dark, long corridor before you reach the opening of the seating – there’s a moment to swoop in for a long, steamy makeout sesh. You feel me?
You really can get a bit carried away, and feel a little rebellious. So off the top of my head: the dressing rooms at a department store, an aisle in the grocery store, in the backseat of the car in the parking lot (or the trunk, even), feed each other ice cream by painting it on their lips like lipstick (you know what I’m getting at, here), or greet each other outside the bathrooms at a nice restaurant.
I mean, the possibilities are endless here.
Dress to impress
I don’t know about you, but my daily wardrobe ush is pretty much yoga pants or comfy shorts, and a basic Tee or long-sleeved fishing shirt. Let’s just say more active apparel. Nonetheless, I am (or have become over the last handful of years) TERRIBLE at sprucing up my “Look” (for my husband) every now and then, even if it’s for no absolute reason. We aren’t the “fancy type” who go out to nice [fancy] places (often), nor do we spend a ton of money on our clothes or personal aesthetics. I used to, but I’ve really come to enjoy more of my “natural” beauty these days (graying hair and all).
Regardless, putting in the little extra effort now and then really can do wonders, especially if you are doing it for YOU first. Whether it’s adding some makeup, fixing up my hair (or letting it down from my typical bun), putting on his favorite perfume or scented lotion, or dressing in something other than loungewear – this really is an almost instant way to get your spouse’s attention, especially when you do it spontaneously.
Create an outside-the-box routine
Okay, SO, my husband may or may not agree with my take on this one all the time, LOL, but we have somewhat of a “routine” (to get me “in the mood”) where he gives me a “mini” facial or massage. This allows me some time to fully relax rather than just getting right to it – this is my kind of foreplay, TBH.
BUT, this isn’t always sexual, either. So this “routine” does NOT always have to mean there are or have to be “strings” [sex] attached.
Whatever it is – this is something you both should do to connect on a deeper, more intimate level that doesn’t always involve the deed. The key here is it should involve physical touch or closeness to some extent. It could be reading your bible (or a book you enjoy together), 15-minutes of uninterrupted, undivided snuggle, having a cup of coffee or tea in bed together, doing an intimate meditation, taking a shower together (where you wash each other), or utilizing in a couple’s journal.
Schedule sexy-time
Here we go. Honestly, if you asked me a few years back if I’d ever be down for something like this I’d be like NNNNOPE. But, as time passes, I can safely say my ego has subsided a lot in her nasty, bitchy ways. My heart has softened to the idea, simply because sex IS important in marriage, and I’m realizing that slowly more and more.
I also came to terms recently that I have been holding onto a lot of stored conditioning regarding sex (I held onto negative beliefs and carried a lot of guilt and shame with sex), and I’ve been working on that. This has allowed me to view sex differently in my marriage (and in marriage, period), but my sex drive was also impacted in the process. So, therefore, it probably isn’t as often as it should be.
What does scheduling sexy-time do exactly, in terms of keeping marriage hot? Well, for starters, it creates a sense of anticipation and preparedness (mentally). It forces you to organize, prioritize and essentially cater to that time, to some extent, the same way you would for a doctor’s appointment or your kid’s baseball practice.
Second, thinking about it in advanced may help get you in the mood. I’m just saying, as a visual learner and someone with ADHD tendencies – mind racing, forgetfulness, inability to successfully multi-task, accomplish or concentrate on one thing at time – scheduling can help to plant the seed. Besides, I’m less likely to back out or make excuses, though the unexpected is inevitable and we have to meet this with grace.
Thirdly, it gives you the opportunity to talk about it. You know where I’m going with this – talking it up. This could be over text, or remarks made throughout the day, “I can’t wait to […] on Tuesday.” It’s time to bring back the high school and early 20s vibe of dating – where did that go?? Oh, that’s right, you live together now and are face-to-face almost 24/7 so there’s no reason for this anymore. Thirst traps can still be a thing well into marriage!
Bring the child-like FUN back
You may be adults, but seriously, you’re always going to be children at heart. Stop trying to rid yourselves of that, as if you need to be oh-so-serious all the time. My husband and I don’t go too much time in between where we aren’t barrel-rolling, cry laughing together. If people really knew how we act together, like REALLLY knew, I think we would have to go ahead and admit ourselves to an insane asylum. But if there’s anything, and I mean ANYTHING that brings us [closer] together, it’s our weirdness. That’s how we play, like children.
So, ask yourself: How do you and your spouse “play”? Take some time to think about how you can bring that level of FUN together. Make time to leave your adult selves at home, to fend for themselves, for a while. Because if you aren’t doing this, you’re missing out on immeasurable growth opportunities. This kind of growth as a couple is so, so underrated-ly important.
Create a living room fortress for movie night, have your own dance party or write music/sing karaoke together, attend a festival/carnival, relive old past times (baseball games, amusement parks, the zoo), have a pillow fight, play hide and seek (tag, tickle fight, wrestle) – the kind of fun that FEEDS the inner-child-like part of your SOUL.
I promise, in marriage, this is HOT on whole other level.
