We live in a tech-obsessed world, where many are now going as far as “dating-up”, or Throning their partner for popularity, reputation and an ego boost.
Now that we have the internet and social media readily at our fingertips, it already seems like nothing is considered sacred, private or genuine anymore, including our personal relationships. On top of baseless connections and casual dating, people are seeking status over stability in a prospective partner by way of Throning.
Throning already has several different names for its behavior – like gold digging, trophy wives and clout chasing. The concept is the same, but Throning is a newer term – deriving from Gen Z – with a heavy influence from social media, where individuals are more focused on dating for self-image.
Here’s an article that best explains Throning in a basic, simple fashion as it pertains to dating.
As a Millennial, I find it extremely difficult to resonate with the infatuation behind social media and the online identity. At the same time, I can understand the gruesome reality of this trend since Gen Z has had instantaneous access to technology and social media from the start. They know no life without it.
Like I said, the concept of Throning is actually nothing new – people back then married for social status and standing. Kings and queens handpicked the very partners their sons and daughters married, whether that be for the family name (prestige), generational wealth, political ties, land, power, leadership, security and stability. Love was usually a by-product, not the goal, and these arrangements were typically mutually understood and consensual.
Not a whole lot has changed on that front, if I’m being honest, except for the whole widely accepted casual dating bit.
I think it’s fair to say that we still look for certain, sensible particularities in a partner that aren’t deemed outlandish, such as desiring someone with a stable job and a level of financial security, for example. I think we can agree to a balance of dating (and marrying) for Love, compatibility and security. These things just may vary and look a bit different for everyone.
But to what extent have these things gotten to our heads and the focus be our own self-image, external validation or an elevated lifestyle (especially online)? With that, is Throning ultimately self-destructive?
This article goes as far as to say that, “Throning’s upward-dating logic leaves us lonelier.” The focus is more on how someone makes us look as opposed to someone who makes us happy (in dating and relationships).
But I also don’t think Throning only pertains to online use or just dating. Even committed relationships are being treated the same as curated content on social media.
This takes, “It’s for the Gram,” to a whole new level of toxicity. In Throning, the focus is less on the authenticity of a relationship and more on how its perceived (particularly online or public). Or, rather, that the basis of Throning is personal gain (reputation, pride, popularity, admiration, as well as corporate or network connections) at the expense of real connection.
This begs the question for many: is your relationship genuine? Or are you guilty of Throning your partner?
5 Subtle examples of Throning in dating and relationships
After much digging, there are many articles out there explaining the oh-so-obvious Throning cues, such as being with someone for their wealth, influence, fame, looks or lifestyle rather than genuine connection.
Overall, the extreme side of Throning essentially describes someone who is actually very shallow.
While, no doubt, I believe those examples to be common, I want to focus on the not-so-obvious because I’ll bet the silent majority get away unscathed by Throning in more subtle ways.
The highlight reel clouds relational and personal growth
You know, the whole Instagram versus reality? Well, not a whole lot you see on social media is real real. At least it’s not the full, big picture, which is still misleading.
While I totally value keeping more of our intimate lives private, that usually defaults to keeping the bad, negative, unhealthy, undesirable and uncomfortable parts offline. We like to skip over the yucky and even mundane parts.
Instead, you’re likely to see people constantly posting the highlight reels of their partner or relationship online, as if everything is always honky dory, even when it’s not.
And, no, I am not saying we should stop sharing these affections for our partner online. It’s more so that individuals should question if they’re doing it for the wrong reasons.
With billions on social media platforms, the constant exposure to highlight reels (or deception, at this point) eventually creates a specific narrative, despite our ‘Yeah-yeah-yeah’ understanding of what Instagram vs. Reality means.
On a more personal level, Throning your partner can also look like purposely falsifying your relationship (or elevating your partner) online as a way to blur or avoid relational and personal growth.
AKA, you’re masking real problems in your relationship by curating one online that has none. You’ll get the instantly gratifying boost from Likes, comments and sweet affirmations (“Aww, you two are so cute together,”), which can make you look and feel better about yourself and your relationship.
In turn, doing this chronically can make you overlook the fact, A. they cheat, B. you argue constantly, or C. they treat you like absolute crap but can offer x, y, z (materialism, popularity, or a self-image boost).
Making your partner’s job title your identity
There’s a clear difference between being your partner’s cheerleader, in what they love to do, and being consumed by their rank or job title. This level of Throning is saturated in relationships to the point, IMO, it’s considered normal.
Most people likely think of those (average Joes, “nobodies”) who date celebrities. And while I can agree, let’s face the facts: only a small portion of society are high profile celebs/influencers. I’d much rather point the finger in the direction that might trigger the greater bunch just casually Throning their partner.
I can be the first to vouch, as an LEO wife (police wife), the droves of women who make their LEO partner’s title their identity. And I see it plastered all over social media, sometimes to the point where I (jokingly) question who is actually enforcing the law when they say things like, “Do you know who I AM?“
And for many, there’s where I’ve either grabbed or lost your attention.
That’s just one prime career example among so many others (i.e., doctors, lawyers, coaches, professional sports players, politicians, etc.) that slip between the cracks. And I’m sorry, but if you’re making your partner’s job, rank or title all about you…you’re Throning your partner.
Attitude change in public around your partner
Throning may be heavily impacted by social media in today’s dating and relationship culture, but it’s still exhibited in face-to-face environments. Though let’s not get it twisted – social media is a public platform as well (to your followers), even if your profile is private.
An example of this is when you treat your partner a certain way in public versus in private. In the wake of friends, coworkers, family or network, you’re clinging to them like sap on a tree but when it’s just the two of you it’s as if you hardly know or tolerate each other.
You’re Throning your partner if you can put on a really good show for others on how you feel about your partner while the opposite takes place behind the curtain.
The same thing applies to social media – you’re posting boast posts left and right about how much you Love your partner, but that isn’t actually being applied behind the screen.
If you outwardly place your partner on a pedestal around others (or treat them in a higher frame of mind) while averaging roommate status – at best – behind closed doors, that’s Throning.
Using your partner’s new success as leverage
Essentially you go great lengths to initiate or take credit for your partner’s successes simply by association (aka, being in a relationship with them). Even if not so blatantly obvious, Throning can look like merging your partner’s success as your own as a way to increase self-image.
This can sound like, “Your success is my success,” taken to a self-exalting extreme.
Sure, while you might be praising your partner’s hard work, dedication, skills, achievement and rewards, you’re doing so as a means to gain or annunciate any involvement and recognition.
At the end of the day, Throning your partner isn’t without the aim for personal gain or attribution, as if to say, “He only got to where he’s being with me.“
Material fulfillment replaces an emotional connection
Receiving nice things, lots of fancy or costly date nights, taking frequent, big trips, living a lavish, high-end lifestyle – those are great by-products to a happy, healthy relationship, but those things don’t make or sustain a relationship (genuine connection).
But are you with your partner for the sake of being on the receiving end of those things, despite whether there’s an emotional connection?
Moreover, when we include social media in the mix, is the desire to be with your partner founded on aesthetically curated content? Meaning, are you driven to be with them for as long as they,
A. take you to nice places,
B. buy you nice things,
C. introduce you to other influential/popular people, or
D. provide you with a higher public influence and opportunity by association (followers, popularity, network presence)?
Throning isn’t just about consciously dating out of one’s own league to improve social standing; it’s a mindset of treating someone as an object (for self-gratification) rather than as a person.