If you’re dating an introvert, here’s what you should know

Here’s the thing: dating, in itself, takes work! Whether someone is an introvert or extrovert – doesn’t matter. I used to think I was an ambivert, hands down, but as I’ve gotten older (now into my 30s), I realized I spent way too many years of my life MASKING. So if you’re dating an introvert, here’s what you should (or need to) know.

We just simply have different needs. Most have the tendency to find introverts with abnormalities in the social and emotional aspect of life and in the dating realm.

So I want to get one thing straightened out for the extroverts out there: being introverted doesn’t mean we despise being around people – we simply require a rejuvenation period, and we really, really enjoy our own company away from others.

While not all introverts have social anxiety, many treat them as if they do. Since I am now (in my adult life) considered introvert-extroverted, and having had anxiety (and social anxiety) since childhood, that’s a pretty large pill to swallow when you think about it. I have both the qualities of an extrovert and an introvert, so I am able to relate to both sides. Yet since it seems introverts are the most difficult to understand in the dating realm, I want to explain our dating personality once and for all.

If you’re dating an introvert, here’s what you should know

he’s just not the biggest communicator

I’m talking texting, updating his status and responding to social media posts, or on the phone.

The whole bit.

I’ll be even more honest when I say: introverts are just not the outspoken kind – with or without social anxiety in the mix. This may include stepping up and making the first move, or being the overall initiator in conversation. For the sake of not beating around the bush – introverts are not perceived as having a lot of “game“, and probably have the toughest time being flirtatious.

But introverts never get enough credit in this department. While they aren’t great speakers they can be amazing listeners – which, if you haven’t realized yet is paramount in relationships.

It may be a bit more difficult to get an introvert to open up – hence they’re reluctance in initiating conversation, or mere date awkwardness. It’s important that he isn’t automatically written off for this – nobody is truly expected to dish out their entire life story on a first date, anyway.

Introverts tend to take things fairly slow on an emotional level, which I reveal more about later on. But this means they aren’t keen on feeling smothered, either. They don’t like the weight of emotional responsibility, or having to “entertain” others emotional needs (theirs is enough alone). This is something to take into account if they’re not quickly responding to your texts, or readily available at your beckon call.

So don’t freak out if they go silent, or off the radar, for a day or two. And please, PLEASE, refrain from incessantly blowing up their phone.

[Related Read: When He Won’t Open Up Emotionally (What I’ve Learned + Started Doing)]

his idea of fun is a bit more reserved

For the record, this doesn’t mean we should rule out introverts as boring individuals.

Sure – he may decline an outing with your group of friends every now and then (for no reason at all what-so-ever), and would rather enjoy your company in a quiet, intimate setting.

This really isn’t something to get your panties up in a knot about.

It doesn’t mean he isn’t down for trying out that new brewery down the street, making reservations at your favorite busy restaurant on a Saturday night or engaging in monthly group date night at the bowling alley. Concerts, parties, theme parks and shopping at the mall the day before Christmas might not be high on his To-Do list, but that doesn’t mean those cards are off the table completely.

He just simply doesn’t want to make all of that a frequent routine.

arguments are more like silent auctions

Meaning, as you are speaking his thought process is likely already coming up with answers and solutions before it is even talked about. So while his silence is eating you alive he is actually taking time to evaluate what you are saying and trying to understand and empathize with your emotions while collecting his own.

This is actually a good thing – he understands the importance to respond instead of react. Plus, again, he’s actually listening to you.

There’s no need for a cooling off period, in his case. His first priority is usually to diffuse the situation with a solution, but it might seem that he is keeping his emotions bottled up inside instead. The best way to get an introvert to open up more during conflict is to be proactive – ask questions that pertain to how he feels about the situation without making him feel cornered or ridiculed.

his comfort with silence and solitude might be daunting in your eyes

I’m going to roll with it by saying there will be those moments of awkward silence, and times where you wonder how in the world he is capable of never speaking to or seeing another human being for days on end. For many, the thought is excruciating, frustrating and romantically impossible in a dating sense.

Sometimes he may even make an honest notion to decline a date – just so he can willfully sit on the couch and binge watch his favorite show…alone.

Most would rule this out as disinterest, but as an introvert myself, I can understand both sides to this. Unless he is continually turning down date after date or failing to initiate time together, then we need to understand that this is his way of self care and should not be the measure of his fondness for you.

The thing that most tend to forget is that it’s not that we can’t stand being around people – we simply run like cheap batteries and need time to recharge when we run on empty. In dating, they are not likely to plan another date with you that very next day – if not for the next few days. If anything, they’re likely the plan-in-advanced type, so be prepared for them to pencil you in 7+ days in advanced.

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he might be shy, but shy is still sexy

I think people often shrug off shyness as being insecure, fearful, judging, selfish, controlling, loners and emotionally distant. While this might be the case in some circumstances – chances are those who are extroverted can have just as many negative qualities.

So let’s not even go there.

While I am considered shy by strangers, or people I have just met, my husband knows me unlike anyone. He would be the first to tell others that I am actually not shy. Though, when we are out and about with others, he can sense my exterior shell close up with those around me.

This doesn’t make me unfriendly, it just means I am more closed off as an individual.

Shy is still sexy, even if they don’t enjoy being the center of attention or in the spotlight. Let me tell you why in a few short words – mysterious, cautious, thoughtful, and emotionally-choosy.

There’s a sense of mystical wonder with a quiet, mysterious introvert. Most peoples’ thoughts are usually always in a scramble – wondering what they are thinking and feeling, and how they are not a walking waterfall of emotions. It doesn’t mean we don’t feel – oh, we feel, if not feel the most – it’s that they do not treat their emotions like a loaded gun at the tip of their tongue. That doesn’t always mean they are loose canons or ticking grenades, either, like many would think.

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Just because he is shy, doesn’t mean he isn’t capable of close, intimate relationships. In fact, I think introverts connect on an emotional level the easiest and deepest – they are just particularly choosy as far as who they connect with.

The difference is that connection is usually deep and loyal, but can also be quick to close off with someone if they feel betrayed. As previously mentioned, introverts are not walking waterfalls of emotions – they open themselves to whom they choose and trust. If you have been accepted of that trust, you are his number one fan and best friend and will know him like no one else ever will.