You’ve made it here because you either find the Holidays to be stressful and chaotic (particularly when it comes to meeting the demands of pleasing those around you) or you struggle with the shame and guilt of setting boundaries during the Holidays (with family and loved ones).
Yeah, you and me both. You, me, and MILLIONS of other people – trust me. Ever so slowly, more each and every year, I am realizing that the Holidays continue to prove to be the result of ongoing generational and cultural conditioning. They’re an audition – a performance, if you will.
Many are riddled with the feeling of having to bend year after year in order to keep the peace….”for the sake of the Holidays”.
Moreover, I’ve learned that family loyalty is no good reason to continue neglecting and violating your limits for the sake of maintaining the comfort of others. And this hit me the first time I had to WORK on Thanksgiving Day, and endure the negative reaction from my parents. “BuT iT’s ThAnKsGiViNg.”
Then I got married – to a partner who also worked most Holidays – so not only did the dynamic change overall but yet again I endure similar hardship as Fall approaches.
You might say generations after generations, people take the Holidays way. too. seriously. Glamorized, glorified and idolized, it’s no wonder setting boundaries for one day out of 365 can be excruciating, and stressful as is – yet those who get totally bent out of shape are considered *sane* and *normal*?!
TBH, if the Holiday season requires you to compromise peace and joy in your heart, that isn’t a Holiday, nor is it “the best time of year.” So if you’re looking for validation and affirmation that boundaries during the Holidays are necessary, then you’ve stumbled upon the right post.
30+ Boundaries during the Holidays not to feel guilty about
You don’t have to “go the distance”
Who says you have to fly across the country or spend half the day driving to and fro for the Holidays to have value? Moreover, that if you really cared (about family) you’d bounce from four different Thanksgiving dinners or endure multiple Christmas Day morning family pictures at both your parent’s and in-law’s year after year after year – no exceptions, make it work!
Who decided that? Well, guess who has the power to un-decide that? That’s like saying you can’t love someone from afar. Or because you prioritized a few instead of all means those that didn’t make the cut don’t matter. That couldn’t be further from the truth, but try and tell your MIL that right?
No, really, you don’t need to go the distance or jump through hoops year after year in order to prove your love or loyalty. Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is allow those the space to experience disappointment rather than over-extending ourselves to avoid it.
Boundary examples
“I will not be flying in for Thanksgiving this year.“
“We’re choosing to spend Christmas with one family, not all.“
“I will not be driving home after dark on a busy Holiday travel day, which means I will be leaving early while there is still light.“
“We won’t be using our fly miles to visit families this year – we’re staying close to home.“
“Since we’re coming from three hours away, I will not be coming early to help set up or bring food.“
“I have two Thanksgiving dinners to attend, so I will only be staying for two hours so I can have sufficient time in between the next one.“
In fact, staying home [alone] doesn’t make you a scrooge
The expectation of people to travel, let alone go from place to place for a single DAY is insane as is. Besides, not everyone has the luxury of taking off work, sacrificing vacation time, or spending the money on travel expenses as well as gifts for multiple households and families!
Have we forgotten that there are those who simply feel the Holidays aren’t THAT big of a deal to begin with?
Aside from the damper on Holiday “normalcy” as of late, there’s already such a negative stigma around staying home for the Holidays. And it’s likely even worse now that most are looking for an excuse to “get away” or throw parties.
So if you’re one who prefers the quaint, quiet time with just immediate family (your spouse and kids), this can often be scoffed as family Betrayal.
Allow me to say it once: you’re not betraying your family by not wanting to partake in Thanksgiving or Christmas with them, and it definitely shouldn’t subject you to punishment. Sometimes you just need a year off, you know? Better yet, making Holiday memories with your own family unit should be ENCOURAGED. That doesn’t make you a terrible person.
If you simply don’t want to attend the infamous Christmas Eve party passed down through generations – don’t. If you can’t fathom having to visit several different families in one day, shoving down food from each and making awkward conversation with those you never see or speak to – other than liking their pictures on Facebook – don’t force yourself simply because “it’s the right thing to do” and you ought to “suck it up” for the sake of it being the Holidays.
If you gleam for a split second at the simple thought of going nowhere other than being in the comfort of your own home (whatever that means to you) for the Holidays – that can still be celebrated, too, whether no one else in your life supports it.
Boundary examples
“Multiple visits in one day is exhausting, so we/I will be staying home this year.“
“We won’t be spending Christmas morning at your house – we are planning to have the kids open presents in our home, just the [x] of us.“
“There’s a lot of unresolved tension between us right now, and I feel it is best that we spend this time apart.“
“My partner and I have decided to do our own tradition this year..[*optional*] so we will not be joining in on the festivities.“
“I won’t be traveling for the Holidays [any longer, every year].“
“We’ve travel to and fro the past [x] years [OR] we’ve hosted Thanksgiving/Christmas the past [x] years, and we will not be doing that this year.“
Go ahead, skip it if you so desire (Kranks style)
Recently my husband I (after binging too many times on Christmas with the Kranks since it came out) took the plunge and skipped out on the traditional Christmas-ness. We spent it, just the two of us, at our 2nd home in the Florida Keys.
I’m just saying, whatever skipping looks like to you…WHY NOT? The only ones giving you funny looks and caddy remarks are those so rooted in keeping tradition that their hearts would practically fail them (literally) if Christmas one day went poof.
“We’re going on a cruise this year and won’t be partaking in Christmas.“
“We’re planning a trip to [the mountains, the beach, Europe, etc.] for the Holidays, instead.” *Instead implies NOT doing both or making room for both.
“We/I won’t be visiting family for the Holidays – I am [taking a road trip, going to (x) with friends, taking the year off].“
“We don’t want to celebrate [Thanksgiving, Christmas], so we’re going to make memories in another way.” *Skipping the Holidays can mean simply skipping/changing certain traditions
Nobody can force you to host other than you
If you’re sick of hosting or don’t want to host one year, nobody can make you. You are not obligated. Not by your mother’s guilt trip or your mother-in-law’s manipulative speech about how it was her “wifely” duty to host for her in-laws.
Your value is not determined by how you perform, or by winning the approval of your parents and in-laws. Your worth doesn’t come from being the best host/entertainer, decorator, homemaker or housekeeper, planner, or cook.
You certainly don’t need to attain someone’s respect and Love by honoring and upholding THEIR traditions (expectations).
Say you’re gung-ho for hosting, but you’re losing your patience over your parents trying to take control and make last-minute changes, or you’re tired of always having to host the same Holiday year after year. You’re entitled to having and setting your own rules/guidelines. Maybe that means no alcohol (or BYOB), no kids (under a certain age), or a specific timeframe (guests must leave by 8pm).
Boundary examples
“I will host Thanksgiving but I will not be doing both Thanksgiving and Christmas.“
“While I appreciate your [offer to host, initiation to dinner], we’ve decided that we want to have Thanksgiving at home, as a family, just the [x] of us.“
“As much as we enjoyed hosting last year, I don’t want to open up my home this year.“
“I will host Thanksgiving this year. With that said, I will not be supplying alcohol, so everyone will need to BYOB.“
“Hosting is just not my thing. I would be more than happy to spend the Holidays together in any other way that we can.“
Holiday traditions are not meant to be conforming
By “going against” the very traditions (Holiday expectations) your parents upheld from their childhood, instilled in yours, and subconsciously expecting you to continue to abide (carry on), their negative reaction to not getting what they want is no surprise.
As more and more people are branching away from the societal and cultural norm, we’ve lost all sense of the idea that eventually all baby birds “leave the nest”. Meaning, parents anticipate and encourage (raise) their children to grow up in order to leave the nest…yet expect them to come back (or never leave) at the same time. Take away from this what you will. It simply means parents are least likely to respect their children’s individual choices, including Holiday traditions that may not include the ones their parents instilled.
The beauty about the Holidays being each and every year is each year doesn’t have to be the same. There’s always room for “next year”. You decide what, when, why and how. You also get to choose what passed down traditions resonate with you and do away with the ones that don’t, as well as to create your own and the meaning they have.
They don’t need to fit or mold to anyone else’s, regardless of whether your family does that silly Christmas morning pajama photoshoot every year. If you want no more part in it, you don’t need a reason.
Boundary examples
“No, I will not be getting a tree or putting one up for the Holidays. I want to live more sustainably, and neither supports that lifestyle.“
“I will not be acknowledging Santa to my children (regardless of what they hear at school or see in public) – we will teach our kids the true meaning of the season without a fictional character.“
“Christmas Day we spend as a family – just the [x] of us. If you would like to spend time together, we are available Christmas Eve.“
“We will not be accepting presents this year. Instead, we are giving experiences.“
“We don’t believe in going out to eat for Thanksgiving. Is there another way/day we can get together to celebrate the Holiday?“
“I respect that you want to do Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, but we will not be partaking in church service with you.“
“I see the meaning of Christmas as something different, so I don’t believe in contributing to [that, those] tradition(s).“
You are in charge of how you spend your time, energy and money
When, where and how much. Nobody, not even family, is entitled to any of it. And unfortunately, the Holidays has become one big spectacle. A material spectacle at that, where many things seem to be based on the level of effort, amount of money, and sacrifice in time, where the bar always seems to be set so unrealistically high.
Unreachably high no matter what you do, right?
No more. From now on, you set the bar when it comes to your time, energy and spending. Know and respect your limits without the permission of others.
Boundary examples
“I’m enjoying spending time with you [all], but I need a break to myself.“
“I’m feeling overwhelmed being around everyone all the time – I need some space.“
“This is my budget for the Holidays. So unless you’re willing to help, I’m not going to exceed that.“
“These are all the decorations I have, and no I will not be supplying more for the Christmas party.“
“I can’t afford to get everyone gifts.“
“No, I will not be spending the entire Christmas Day with you. My kids will be opening up their gifts from us under our tree on Christmas morning, but we are available to attend dinner that evening.“
“I can only contribute $50 to the white elephant gift exchange.“
“I can come for Christmas Eve brunch, but that’s all I have time for.“
“I want to swing by to visit before [ice skating, putting up the tree] – when is a good time for you?“
“I don’t have the means or equipment to make that dish – what else I can bring?“
Eat whatever, as much or as little as you want, or don’t
It mind boggles me how much FOOD has become the CENTER for many, if not most of the stress around the Holidays. I kid you not, it’s as if the food completely dictates and controls the superficiality of the Holidays. There’s candy on Halloween, turkey and pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving, then cookies, candy canes, eggnog, and candied yams for Christmas.
Just three straight months of absolute gorging – food, food, food. And, again, auditioning (hosting, cooking, serving, and eating). And yet I can’t believe there are actually boundaries necessary surrounding THE FOOD. It’s absurd.
That being said, let me point out some of the facts here FOR THOSE IN THE BACK:
- Not everyone’s food has to be eaten – *this doesn’t mean you “force” yourself to eat it out of “respect”.
- Not everyone’s cooking can/should be trusted – *discernment, people; this doesn’t mean you “force” yourself to eat it out of “respect”.
- No one has a universal diet – *there are restrictions, preferences, allergens and people with sensory issues!
- No one consumes universally – *some require more or less food, so don’t badger the person who is eating like a rabbit or a grizzly at hibernation; respect that there are those who may have other gatherings to attend and are “pacing” themselves.
- Not everyone cooks to one’s liking – *that doesn’t mean you get to make a scene over what is being served to suit your palette (don’t attend, don’t eat or bring your own food).
So from now on, let’s keep this really simple: stay in your lane, and inform others that step outside of theirs.
Boundary examples
“I am/went vegetarian/vegan, so I don’t eat meat. Thank you for offering / I appreciate you taking the time to contribute to Thanksgiving dinner.“
“I don’t care for [brussel sprouts], and I don’t want to eat them. Please respect my preferences.“
“The dessert looks delicious, but I am [cutting back on sugar, allergic to nuts].“
“I will not be eating that, thank you.“
“I am on a journey of removing processed foods from my diet, please respect that.“
“I’m allergic to [x]…[that’s why I brought my own food, so I have to be cautious about what I eat].“
“Unfortunately, I’m not a huge fan of Turkey, but there’s plenty else here for me to eat and enjoy.“
“I don’t need seconds – thank you for offering.” or “I don’t need/appreciate your input as to why I ate/didn’t eat seconds.“
“I don’t have room for much else since we came from a previous gathering, but I can nibble on a little dessert.“
“I am already full, and I don’t want to stuff myself uncomfortably.“
“I have another dinner shortly after this, hence why there’s so little on my plate.“
“I don’t have the means to make dishes from scratch or buy strictly organic. How can we make this work?“
“I don’t want to try [that], please don’t ask me again.“
“I don’t appreciate you judging what I made. If you don’t like it, don’t eat it.“
“I will not be making any more side dishes than what I told you I would bring.“
You don’t need an excuse to leave or remove yourself from the source
Whether that be limiting your interactions with certain people, taking frequent breathers outside alone, or leaving the gathering before food is served.
If the source is your drunk father, that creepy, pushy cousin, divisive family controversy, unnecessary drama, or the feeling of having to extend outside or beyond your means, you don’t need to stick around in compliance to seem “agreeable”, easy-going, or accommodating.
Our culture, unfortunately, is very guilty of using the Holidays as a means of control. Many assign the season, or a Day with a level of power and significance that takes devotion and idolization to a whole new, unhealthy meaning. It’s no wonder, when you hear things like, “It’s Uncle Henry – he gets drunk, but he’s family and we need to love family,” it can leave you feeling stripped of rationality. Like, it’s you – you’re the problem!
Don’t assign the Holidays with that kind of power and value, and you shouldn’t bow to others who try to pit that against you in the name of “Love” and “Family”.
Boundary examples
“I don’t want to talk politics. Let’s talk about something else for one night.” -> “If you can’t drop politics, I’m walking away from the conversation.“
“I’m not comfortable being around you when you’re belligerent drunk.” -> “If you continue drinking or make a scene, I’m leaving.“
“I can’t come early to help set up / I can’t stay late to help clean up.“
“We told the sitter we’d be back by 9pm, so it’s time for us to go.“
“I understand ‘so and so’ isn’t coming until later, but I already informed you ahead of time that I would need to leave early and I won’t be accommodating to their schedule. If it means that much to them to talk to me, they can call me to catch up.“
“I have somewhere else to be after this, so I’m going to have to leave, but I appreciate the invite.“
“Everyone is getting rowdy (drunk) and its my cue to take my kids home.“
“I didn’t come here to be pulled into the middle of drama. I want nothing to do with it, and if you can’t leave me out of it then I will leave.“
“I know more people just showed up and you’d like for me to stick around, but it’s getting late, I am exhausted, and I’m ready to go.“
