In a culture where our social connections are increasingly or mostly derived from the online world, finding real, true friends is difficult. It has made friendship more complicated, especially in adulthood. There are signs they are not your friend….because they only want *fans*.
What are *fans*? Think of celebrity fans, if it helps. Fans are also not friends. Now you might be thinking, why would anyone want fans then? It’s easy: fans are easier to control, they will tell you exactly what you want to hear and they like the *idea* of you, not the real you. Fans will place you on an idealistic pedestal friends won’t.
Many people are solely looking for social gratification (fans) rather than building genuine relationships. You know, something that is instant, baseless and more self-benefitting than it is gradual, meaningful and authentic. But what can instant and surface level look like today in our heavily online social climate of so-called friendships or social connections? One things for sure: these individuals are not friends.
4 Signs they are not your friend – they want fans
they demand involuntary support
This one’s pretty easy but I think we like to blow it out of context. To support something can mean to participate in that thing. You can also support something without necessarily directly participating, but by agreeing to, condoning or enabling something, as in to say, “It’s good, it’s right, it’s *okay*.”
Now begs the question as to whether we can be supportive of someone who supports something that we personally do not. For example, you don’t support smoking and your friend perpetually smokes. I think it’s simple – we don’t have to support that thing, period, but we can support that friend of their free will to choose whether they support that thing. That still doesn’t mean we have to support their choice; I am not obligated to that friend by saying, “..because you want to smoke, I support you to smoke.“
The basis is that someone who demands involuntary support expects total compliance and validation from everyone around them. So if your friend is looking for you to support smoking (whether by buying them cigarettes, agreeing to go with them to a hookah bar, or telling them it’s OK for them to light up in your presence) simply because they support it, that’s someone looking for involuntary support.
That said, when they *demand* involuntary support, it’s simple: they are not your friend – they only want those who 100% align with them (on opinions and beliefs), condones everything they do as well as tolerates who they are (meaning, the bad and ugly).
they seek cheap attention over authenticity
What even is cheap attention? Could this be subjective? Absolutely. It boils down to what we personally value, and the value we see in ourselves. If we’re openly willing to sell ourselves short or for nothing, what are we likely to get in return? Low quality. It’s a fact, many are even willing to sell themselves short if it simply means quantity over quality.
I’ll just say this: there are those who can’t go a single day without receiving some kind of recognition, compliment or affirmation from others. And that’s putting it very, very lightly. I mean, think of today and our world where popularity is about Likes, comments, reputation, clout, virality, etc. etc. We have gotten to the point where negative attention is still attention – we seek it, authentic or not. Now that’s cheap.
Authenticity [transparency, honesty, rawness] is increasingly scarce because people are so afraid of what may genuinely come of it. Being authentic may mean fewer this, less of that, or losing something. God forbid authenticity means you wind up losing friends (or not having very many real ones), followers, or having to bear receiving backlash – aka, not being everyone’s cup of tea, not being Liked by everyone, or standing firm in what you believe/value.
It’s important now more than ever to keep this long-time quote of wisdom in mind because this one is guaranteed to shake up the popularity masses nowadays: A friend to all is a friend to none, by Aristotle.
they crumble at any hint of salt
I’ll do my best to explain this one. When it comes to building and sustaining the foundations of our relationships, we prefer that foundation to be seamless, effortless, comfortable [soft], and easy.
However you might define that, whether it be by cutting corners, cheap materials or going the basic 1-2-3 setup route rather than abiding by the full instructions manual. Basically, this is likely a foundation that lacks structural support, or the leg work because it was built painlessly and rather quickly.
Now if we’re differentiating between sugar and salt, sugar is much easier on the palette whereas salt on the tongue naturally forces us to twinge. Sugar is sweet, it never disappoints, and it’s overall satisfying to what our taste buds crave. Again, if we refer to a foundation built on sugar (painless and easy), it looks enticing on the outside but is poorly structured on the inside.
Then, at the slightest pinch of salt, we pucker up, cringe and shrivel. Salt can be uncomfortable, especially on delicate soft areas that have been sensitized by sugary sweetness. So how might salt impact unstable foundations?
On the other hand, salt is actually the known ingredient for bringing out true flavor in foods, mostly for good. Therefore, we hardly ever really look at salt as being a bad thing…unless there’s too much, of course. But if we’re solely craving and feeding ourselves with sugar, any hint of salt is likely received in opposition.
[Related Read: Friendship Fallout: I fought for the wrong friends]
I really hope I’m making some sense here.
If they are only thriving off sugar, they are not your friend. Sugar craves more sugar – fans. This might look like having friends who enable everything they do and say. When you toss a bit of salt into the mixture, this can look like someone who calls them out for maltreatment or doesn’t conform to their expectations. And for those who thrive off sugar, this can sting.
Seeking sugar is the only thing that will salvage a foundational structure made of toothpicks and Elmers glue, because any salt will surely disintegrate it. So when someone crumbles at any hint of salt, more or less this means they lack self-control, can’t handle conviction, face scrutiny or accept accountability for wrongdoing. Matter of fact, they simply don’t want to. They seek out others who will only continue to feed and reinforce sweet lies and hypocrisy.
they’re quick to ghost, delete and block
Am I saying we shouldn’t, ever? No. Are there times either of these three things may be necessary? Yes, sometimes friendships do need to be cut rather abruptly and directly. That goes without saying we ought to be a bit more mindful of our intent in doing so. That’s why I made sure to add the word Quick.
I also want to point out that I’m not talking about filtering certain content or accounts you don’t want to see on social media, though if we’re compulsively doing this that’s another one we should reflect on as well.
Honestly, they only want fans if they’re unapologetically relentless and quick to ghost, delete or block someone from their life. This also includes those who ghost and return – only to repeat this cycle.
“I don’t like that your favorite color is Blue,” – Delete.
“When you declined going out with us to the club and brought up your faith, I was out,” – Ghost.
“How dare you call me out for trying to hook up someone (meanwhile I’m unhappy in my current relationship),” – Block.
This kind of behavior isn’t the same as a natural drift friendships will often endure. It’s also not the same as a friend who is direct about needing space or separation. But if they stab you in the back and run – by going ghost, deleting you off social media and block you without an iota of humility – they are not your friend.
Someone who only wants fans seeks individuals who are replaceable with little to no repercussion or explanation. That can be a tough hear because of the value we place on friendships when the truth is many treat them insignificantly. We give our employers better notice of when we’re leaving the company than we do our friends when we no longer want to be.
Again, moving on from the ending of friendship by following up with necessary actions – such as removing them as a friend on your socials (as to enforce boundaries to your privacy) – is totally different.
Let this point be more of a personal lesson: if they are quick to remove you from their life, it’s less about you and more about them. We can acknowledge and accept this more empathetically when we understand that hurt people hurt people, because we’re all hurting in some way, and that when someone hurts us we do have it in our power not to allow that to negatively shape or harden us.