Whether you’re online dating or into someone sliding into your DMs on social media, there are 4 red flag DMs to ignore, block AND delete! While we’re quick to preach against ghosting in the dating world, the primary incentive here is not only to prevent from wasting your time but also your protection.
In all seriousness, there are certain things not worth compromising or putting yourself at risk. And if you are someone who is genuinely out there looking for Love on the numerous interweb streams, these kinds of messages are ones that only lead you in all the wrong places.
4 Red flag DMs discussed in this post:
As a former online dater with online dating success (meaning, I met my now husband from dating online), the insight and opinions I dish are solely based on my personal experience. Everyone’s personal experience will be different, so this post is not meant to discourage but to help you be more aware and lead with caution while remaining hopeful. If you have any personal or specific questions, feel free to reach out to me!
4 Red flag DMs to ignore, block and delete
Dating site scammers
Dating sites and social media, especially, are riddled with scammers left and right. They’re inescapable at this point, and they’re getting craftier each passing day. In fact, they’re always steps ahead of the game.
There are your typical, very obvious, bots that are programmed to gather as much detailed information from you as possible (for scammers). In saying they’re very obvious, these are profiles that use unrealistically deceptive and professional photos (of very attractive people, or even AI generated) – let’s just say, photos that are meant to draw and keep someone’s attention in an inorganic way. At the end of the day, these types of bot scammers are after your money and personal information (like your SSN and bank information).
Now that we have more advanced programming, like CHATgpt, messages likely coming from actual bots are more generic and lack conversational or relational tone and expression. These bots act on a script, so a dead giveaway is if you receive a DM immediately following a match or if they’re response-time is literally almost instantaneous. *Think of the many online customer service chats we now have on retail websites – like that. Then, these bots are usually very quickly motivated to transfer the conversation to another chat platform (another dead giveaway).
You also have your real-life dating scammers. Yes, including your cat fishers – these are scammers, too. These are real people (not a programmed bot), and they’re equipped to spending a great deal of time seeming like the real deal, though most of the time these individuals still act quick on their intentions.
If they’re not basically falling into your lap and saying I Love You by day-3 – big red flag, BTW – then they’re often making every excuse in the book for why they won’t meet, video chat (or failed attempts to), and only have allotted times they can actually speak on the phone. These clues are much more subtle, and since our culture has been more accepting and tolerant of *online relationships*, it makes pinpointing and exposing these online dating frauds more difficult.
Either way, real-life scammers make a great effort in getting to know you as quickly as possible (call it *grooming*) while seeming genuinely interested, if not infatuated. Meanwhile, these scammers are also rather impatient and will usually be the first to move on (by way of ghosting, in fact), so a good test is to see how they respond to your boundaries.
Messages that are sexual, downright or in nature
This is for those looking for, you know, the real deal. And I’ll just be clear, you won’t find that through d*ck pics, sexual innuendos or anything alike. DMs that are straight sex in the face or sexual in nature, especially right out the gate, are not only inappropriate but uncalled for. You can tell a lot about a person who is that comfortable [with sex], just saying.
This point should be a lot easier than I think many lead on. If the term “in nature” brings confusion, think of it as anything that draws attention to sex without actually having to be naked. These are often in the form of compliments, but can also be conversational as a way to invite more detailed questions. For instance,
“You *look like* you’d be a good time,” says, “I saw your picture, and from what I gathered about your looks, you would be fun to [have sex with].“
That’s not a twisting of words when all someone had to say was “You’re beautiful and I’d like to get to know you.” So, do yourself a favor and simply shut it down.
[Related Read: First date red flags to STOP sweeping under the rug]
They ask for your number and/or want to meet right out the gate
I couldn’t count on both hands how many times I had this happen to me. The first message I’d receive was, “Can I get your number?“, “I like you, let’s meet up. I’m free this Friday.“, or something along the lines of, “You seem nice, beautiful and someone I’d want to know more about. Let’s talk, ###-###-####,” or “Yada, yada, ya – something, something – I live near X. Want to meet for coffee near X at [time]?“
Listen, there’s a balance to things. Life is about a balance, and when I felt like I was being jolted out of alignment [readiness] I took it at face value. I didn’t NEED someone THAT bad, especially someone with little awareness, patience or….*restraint*.
I find that many people are just completely oblivious to the way they approach others, what they do, say and how they are – they exist with very little self-awareness, have a level of confidence that is reactive yet unshakable, where this kind of behavior is like breathing to them. In a way, kudos to them, but that’s not me and I don’t vibe that way.
These tactics have either worked for them in the past, or this is something they do with zero regard for pushback or rejection – maybe because it doesn’t bother them, but I still found these individuals to have fragile egos. They’ll make you feel bad for not being receptive of their interest, but mainly for not squatting to their level.
You know how dogs will go up to another and immediately – without hesitation, invitation or consent – sniff the other’s butt? This is THAT level of behavior. Either way, it doesn’t mean we ought to be weak at the knees over it.
Those that make a *plea* or proposition
This also goes in line with the scammers, because they technically are. We live in a day in age where we can now take it to online, or social media, for *help* or even work.
We have things like GoFundMe along with Zelle and Paypal, which is great, don’t get me wrong. It’s also become somewhat of a scare or guilt tactic, too, because of just how many are using it to their advantage or for illegitimate purposes. I say guilt tactic because on TikTok I am bombarded with videos on my FYP asking for money in a GoFundMe or, more specifically, to their cash app.
Not only are we seeing begging on street corners, but in droves on social media platforms, and many of these are so, so, so deceptive. These types of scammers are using misfortune and proactively taking advantage of people! *This in no way is meant to shame homelessness and those less fortunate!
That said, I’ve had my run in with individuals who, after a few messages exchanged, straight up asked me for money so they could pay their phone bill for the month. #NoNeedToDanceAroundTheBushHere
On the flip side, the internet has also created an array of ways to make money and to use people for personal gain/gratification. Since we’re talking strictly online dating, or through social media, it’s no surprise there are those who seek work or contractual companionship.
This area of *opportunity* is certainly not bleak today – from OF, escorts, to *sugar daddies*, p*rnography and all the in-betweens. This goes without saying I’ve had numerous older men reach out to me with *golden ticket* offers. So there’s that.
I also recall receiving messages of *sob stories* from individuals seeking help. Point blank: an online dating site is no place to be seeking help when there are legitimate options. Ultimately, they were usually looking for money but I’ve even heard (from the grapevine) some were brave enough to ask for a place to stay.
Nowadays, I know this kind of thing runs rampant and on a level of deception like no other. From the sob stories (which may or may not be legitimate), pleas for *help*, to making threats and offering *propositions*.
I can also imagine the number of people seeking refuge by finding someone to marry so they can leave their country, or get a green card, is bursting through the woodworks. Sugar daddies and gold-digging individuals alike. Am I saying these types of relationships are inauthentic? While this may be subjective, the slim with genuine intent (if you’ve ever watched the reality shows) are telling.
Yes, even if someone comes right out with an incredible *offer* that seems difficult to resist – whether that’s an attempt to wine and dine you with expensive, lavish experiences, meals or material items (that you couldn’t afford yourself), or making offers that would ultimately change or benefit your current circumstances (like offering to pay for your tuition without repayment other than your *time*).
*This is not meant to judge, this is strictly an impediment warning for those who are genuinely seeking long-term commitment.
