This post is a little different from my ush because rather than blanketed advice, I’m sharing certain principles that improve communication in my marriage. You’ll hopefully notice a common theme, and I do my best to make that clear throughout. What I unpack here may not totally resonate with all, and many may turn their noses up completely, but those who have an ear to hear will hear.
While communication in my marriage is far from perfect – no one and no couple’s skills are – I am simply pointing out what we believe to be our strengths. Certainly, everyone and every couple has this, and sometimes growth means taking the time to highlight the good, not necessarily what needs work. And that’s what I’m doing here, because our strengths play a bigger role in our communication as a whole more than we like to give credit. At the very least, it may be these strengths that leave a lasting impression or spark a revelation for someone who needs it.
Main points discussed in this post..
4 Principles that improve communication in my marriage
Reducing secrecy
Before I married my husband there were definitely things I deemed as “none-ya-business”, and these things I justified as privacy. My husband surely did the same. Since getting married – our lives conjoined – many of those things started to reek of secrecy. Whether or not these things were big or little was beyond the point. Together, it was fairly natural of a shift for us to be more transparent rather than gatekeeping in the name of privacy.
For example, we’re not secretive of our spending purchases or people [friends] we talk to and hang out with. There are even subtleties to the broader things we’re proactively open about, such as not downplaying the price of something we want to buy and not evading using gender pronouns of others.
How many couples have encountered issues pertaining to secrecy with money or with an unidentified “friend”/co-worker, among other things? Lots, but I don’t need to tell you that.
There’s a lot of confusion between what’s considered privacy and secrecy, especially in marriage. As a result, a lot of secrecy gets labeled as privacy. We might better relate privacy to our individual rights, sovereignty, space or entitlements without surveillance, supervision and consolidation. Privacy is exclusively our own, while secrecy is not solitary involvement. The difference is privacy is mutually respected and does not indirectly or directly risk compromising our spouse or marriage.
We really don’t need to overcomplicate this. And what has truly helped, for me, is asking one simple question: Does withholding this from my spouse directly or indirectly affect my marriage? When we ask this question, we’re considering the possible negative effect – hopefully.
We should be more conscious of asking this very question, and moreover, making choices with consideration for our spouse in mind and at heart. And that is one quality both my husband and I share and prioritize well in our marriage.
While we know we’re not perfect, because no one is, we should aim to replace our natural bend to withhold and preserve exclusively for ourselves and bend with an intention that serves our spouse (which is unnatural). At the end of the day, marriage means trading in some level of privacy for companionship, and this is a truth that simply won’t satisfy tickling ears.
In other words, if we’re not willfully working towards reducing secrecy in marriage…we’re perpetuating it.
Simple courtesies
You might be pondering over this one, battling between ‘duh’ and ‘wuhhhhh?’. Again, there’s no need to overcomplicate it. Let its definition be your guide.
Courtesy: favor, reverence, generosity, kindness, affability. *Unpack these terms on your own if needed!
You’d be surprised how simple courtesies are neglected or go through periods of barrenness in marriage. We typically think of simple courtesies as *demanded* action, but that is just not the case. For instance, my husband always lets me know if/when he is running late at work. He meets with me foremost when making plans with friends, and always promptly communicates if any details change.
He unequivocally puts me first, there’s no doubt in my mind, even if there are times it doesn’t seem so – I know he does because it shows and its communicated. Most importantly, he does these things on his own will, not of my asking or *demanding*.
Case in point, the embodiment of simple courtesies is about having our spouse’s interests, feelings and consideration above our own.
When we’re selfless we aim to serve and prioritize our partner’s needs, and when we aim to serve, we have a much better understanding of courtesies, why they’re so valuable in communication, and their affirmative effect on trust.
Being reasonable and not taking advantage
To be reasonable is also to be realistic. So, in marriage, being reasonable is not always me, me, and me. Being unreasonable is to be outrageous; illogical, unfair, or not sensible. Being reasonable in marriage requires grace, because it may mean accepting not always being right, things not always being fair, not getting everything you want or not having everything your way. Yet extending grace when it is the most difficult – like when it feels impossible to communicate with your spouse – is seemingly unnatural. How do we extend grace, let alone communicate that, in times when we are not being heard, considered, respected or understood? Many ask, and rightfully so.
At the same time, we have to be willing to ask ourselves how we might be being unreasonable, and this is no walk in the park, either. In marriage, we may be unreasonable when it comes to money, our time, habits, imbalance of effort, expectations, boundaries, trust, parenting, intimacy, household responsibilities, conflict, hardship – you name it, really.
In a very broad example, I have been guilty of exhibiting the opposite of grace when my husband makes mistakes. I catch my reaction or response oftentimes to be unreasonable. Sometimes this is as simple as saying, “Seriously?!” when our partner forgets to add soap to the dishwasher – as in to imply, “How incompetent are you?!”
Being unreasonable is often having unrealistic or perfect expectations of our spouse or in marriage. Marriage is two people’s attempt to making a life together, as one, and hopefully to making that life a little easier as a whole and for one another. Do we expect this journey to be entirely smooth sailing? No, of course not, but we sure are disappointed when it’s not, and we are prone to losing sight of reason.
From another vantage point in my marriage, it is reasonable for me to purchase something without necessarily the *permission* from my husband. Although – yes, here’s the But – it is unreasonable of me to purchase something, say, at the hefty price of $500 without discussing a lick of it with my husband first. My husband is also reasonable in that he doesn’t just automatically assume he gets the first or last word, say or decision by default.
Being reasonable boils down to evidence of respect, trust and grace. One, because I respect (value) my husband’s feelings and input, even if he differs from mine. Two, because I trust his dependability, even if what he advises goes against what I want. And three, because without grace I am a fool seeking a level of perfection even I can’t promise.
There’s grace in knowing we may not always get what we want or have it all, even when it doesn’t make total sense. In being reasonable, there have certainly been instances where my husband has needed to reallocate his time and priorities, which may not have necessarily fit his ideals. For me, it’s being reasonable when it comes to setting boundaries with family to protect and preserve our marriage, since having them is a personal struggle of mine.
Being reasonable in marriage asks that we consider our spouse’s point of view and perspective as well as their instruction and direction, not to side with our own merit. Personally, I found when I took strides to be more impartial, I desired harmony over self-satisfaction. Meaning, ultimately what is beneficial for my marriage is beneficial for me (instead of the other way around). I also had a more “team-focused” and forgiving mentality. Meaning, it wasn’t just about me, what I wanted and fulfilled expectations (that not every situation will be a win-win).
And to let it be known, when we’re being reasonable, we’re also less likely to take advantage (of our spouse, in marriage). When we are unreasonable, we’re also more likely to take for granted, and this is often communicated through contempt.
Respecting the power of “No”
Tying in with the points above about being reasonable, simple courtesies, and reducing secrecy with respecting the power of “No”, the common theme is taking our spouse into consideration and their well-being at the forefront, if you haven’t noticed. This final point should hopefully bring everything together.
“No” is a powerful word. We know this because children are taught this word from a young age. It’s an impactful word with a lot of weight and significant value – hence why many may still be so taken back by its use, especially if it comes from the horse’s mouth (our spouse). The word No is often used to express disapproval and can be received as a form of rejection or punishment. Therefore, the power behind this word can also be used, overused and abused in all the wrong ways with the wrong intent. For starters, we can use the word No as a means of control (i.e., as a means of controlling or dictating what our spouse cannot do).
My husband and I agree on a lot, and we align in more ways than one, so we greatly value and respect the meaning and weight the word No carries. That said, we don’t use that word *too* often in our marriage, but when we do it’s significant, which means it’s held with the highest regard.
For one thing, my husband and I never use the word No as a baseless weapon against one another. If you can remember a time when your parent told you No, what was usually their reasoning? Most of the time they didn’t need one, let alone tell you why, but “because they said so”. My duty as a wife is not to parentify my husband by telling him what he can and cannot do, and vice versa. Rather, when we have legitimate concerns, whether that be about decision-making, thought processes, jeopardization of trust, personal safety, desires or use of time, we discuss those concerns over outright dictation.
We don’t have double-standards. We don’t play tit for tat, and we don’t keep score. We don’t use No in hypocrisy, and we don’t use the word as a power trip or means to control. Lastly, we don’t weaponize No to dictate each other’s lives. Are we impeccable? No, obviously not because no one and no couple is. But when it comes to the power of No and its use, this particular area is one of our strong suits in communication.
Now that you’ve read these points in full, consider how they all work together. The common theme still remains: my husband and I’s strength in our communication boils down to *doing our best* in elevating one another above ourselves. Because when we do this, the rest is actually easy.
