These are vows you should not only make but continue to keep. These are vows not only for yourself but for your relationships.
And regardless of how others make it seem, self-love is not selfish. It is not arrogant, greedy, uncompassionate or egotistical. It is, however, threatening to those who lack it and who thrive off others without it.
Self-love is self-preservation. It is survival.
But we’re human, we slip, trek back to the familiar road, or stray off the path entirely. This can feel like you are drowning, and literally struggling just to keep your head above water. You endure this knowing damn well you are your very own life raft that can help bring you to shore.
What’s important is understanding that this happens, and to forgive yourself quickly.
Oops, I guess that should be considered another vow – self-forgiveness – so let’s just say there’s now 31 on the list.
30 Self Love Vows To Make In The New Year
in your relationships
Avoid being with someone who doesn’t make you feel safe. There’s good and bad security. The wrong kind inhibits growth and happiness while enabling codependency. But healthy security in relationships is critical – it’s stability, protection, and sanctuary. When you truly feel safe with someone, you naturally become vulnerable and put forth all your trust in that person. Know the difference, and never settle for the security that takes away your personal freedom.
Look for someone who actually values you, not just desires you. Because there’s a difference between the two. Someone who values you respects you – takes your thoughts and feelings into consideration while honoring your morals, opinions, and beliefs. They appreciate you and the role you play in their life – so much that there is no greater risk than losing you. To be valued is to be needed on a much deeper level while being desired is to simply lust after.
Focus on self-respect when jealousy arises. If you must know, jealousy is just another form of possession and control. It is the fear that something you have will be taken from you. It also implies insecurity or lack of confidence in your value, or the value you bring to a relationship.
This behavior is also a major indication that you have become disconnected from yourself. You may be losing, or have lost your sense of worth, and are minimizing, ignoring or avoiding set boundaries.
Jealousy is a self-depleting feeling that poses more a threat to damage than it does protect. IMO I find that the feeling from jealousy is a way to prep for irrational heartache in advanced – hence why you may be jealous when your SO goes out with his friends (for fear he may come across someone better).
Mistrust is a deep-rooted issue here, but more importantly it is a signal that you are lacking self-trust. Nobody wants to get hurt, but through jealousy you are not affirming your innate worthiness.
My husband is a fairly chatty and friendly person, to all, but if noticeably so around more women, I instinctively think nothing negative or malicious of it. I am confident in my value, worthiness and deserving in someone, as well as what I bring to the relationship. In turn, I want my husband to see that, instead of a woman enslaved to insecurity and jealousy, in knowing my own value he will have my best interest at heart.
The thing is, the choices your SO makes are out of your control – jealousy will not prevent or stop your SO from dishonesty or unfaithfulness. If he values you, and the relationship, you have nothing to worry about. If he compromises the relationship, then he no longer sees/respects your value.
Never lose yourself for the sake of keeping someone. If you’re holding onto someone who does not see your worth, or value, then ultimately you are the one changing your sense of worth and value – not them. When you lose sight of what you deserve in a relationship, you are subsequently relinquishing the love you should be giving yourself.
Take time to feel + heal instead of resorting to rebounding. There are many who attest to utilizing this time to feel and heal prior to actually ending a failed relationship, therefore justify “readily” jumping into another relationship shortly after.
Little do most know there is still healing to be done following the TOD (time of death) of a relationship. I know this from personal experience, and being the example of someone who “moved on” prior to actually ending a relationship. There’s the healing of trauma bonds, conditioning and behavioral patterns, as well as insecurities (disguised as generalizations, mistrust or projections) that can be transferred from one relationship to the next.
It’s the time to reconnect to yourself – to be whole without the presence, distraction, or help of someone else.
Your mind and body might be ready for a new bae, but girl sometimes it takes much, much longer for your heart to sort through and process the mess heartache leaves behind.
A healthy relationship will encourage self-love, not abolish it. When you’re with the right person, they will also love the way you love yourself. And I’m not talking about self-absorption, immodest, and arrogance. A relationship still consists of two individual people who not only make the commitment a priority but their individual selves.
As the saying goes, you are complete/whole on your own. Though I believe those can certainly find “their other/better half“. Yet the only person who can make you whole is yourself. It’s remembering that part of the reason someone fancied you in the first place is that they admired the way you took care of yourself.
So never forget: self-love is vital and beneficial in any healthy relationship!
Honor your morals and values. Set the standard for what you want in a relationship rather than sacrificing in order to fill an empty void, or wishfully thinking and hoping the person will change “if/when they love you”.
It’s okay to feel – it’s not okay to project. Everyone has insecurities, but most of the time the source is found at home, not in the external world. Consequently, others [including your partner] can be your mirror – showing you what may need to be addressed or unpacked within yourself. Awareness is key.
Stop aiming for closure. Sure, every story has a beginning, middle, and end. But when you feel like you didn’t get that closure from a breakup, you’re hoping for the outcome you want… one that may not exist (because you already have it). You look backward, digging through the previous chapters of your failed relationship to find where things took a turn for the worst, only to remain attached to your feelings. Instead you need to move forward with what clarity you already have – that what was meant to be simply would be without end.
There are worse off things in life than ending up alone. Like staying in the wrong relationship, being taken for granted or taken advantage of, and settling for less than you know you deserve (just to say you’re with someone).
Accept that some people are incapable of change. And that isn’t your responsibility or calling to save someone.
Sometimes doing the opposite of what you’re doing is the answer. More times than not I have wanted to offer this piece of advice to those who continue to ride the merry-go-round, especially in relationships. Most relationship problems are derived from conditioned behaviors, patterns, feelings, and trauma.
Watch that someone’s words align with their actions. Unfortunately words can be spoken liberally, and have absolutely zero meaning. If actions do not follow suit, then words are worthless. So many have weak knees for affirmation, but remember that actions speak louder than words. Don’t fall prematurely for someone because they’re telling you exactly what you want to hear.
Stop searching for that “one and only” soulmate – it is built, not found. Here may come some nails on the chalkboard for some. But hey, what can I say, my brain is wired a bit differently. You can define a soulmate however you feel but at the end of the day, you have to accept the fact you, as a person, will change 43,278,496 times (okay, exaggerated) over the course of your lifetime.
And so will the partner you choose.
For me, a soulmate is someone who grows alongside one another’s changes. This isn’t something that magically happens, either. It takes dedication, effort, patience, and intention over time. You can connect instantly with many, but it’s maintaining that connection most presume is default or automatic when it’s not. Therefore, a soulmate is not something you seek in someone (it’s not particular), it is that connection you continue to build with someone.
Respect is the bare minimum. One thing that is shocking among the dating pool today is the number of people who are overcome by surprise to have found someone “so respectful“.
Respect has become a bullet point on the list of ideal qualities in a partner.
This should be to no surprise, nor should it be treated as a badge of honor. Nobody should get an award for a standard quality as a human being even when we know disrespect is a universal pitfall in our human nature. BUT, if respect isn’t being served – don’t justify any of the other main dishes – get up, walk away from the table, and don’t wait around for dessert.
for me, myself + I
Stop holding onto things that continue to hurt you. It isn’t your job to save, fix or change someone who refuses to themselves. It isn’t your responsibility to heal and mend the pain someone is not ready to face on their own – your only job is to Love them, even if that’s from afar. And you don’t have to neglect or put yourself in harm’s way to do so.
Do things for you, not for others; if you do, make the focus on showing others what they are capable of. We live in a world that validates the compulsive need for attention and instant gratification from others – hello, social media. And we call it “empowerment”, “liberation/celebration” or “normalization”. Look, that’s cool and all, but if you were to imagine one day the internet (or simply social media) ceases to exist, who’s going to see all that you are, do, and accomplish?
Whatever you do, if you’re looking for approval or praise, do it for you – or better yet…do it for God. That’s who really matters.
Avoid entertaining other people’s expectations of you. You know you best. Others may only be noticing their own reflection of what they want to see in you. If you aren’t funny, nice, lenient, intellectual, soft, vigilant, understanding, flexible, penetrable, giving, or docile enough, disappointment is a way to try and manipulate (conform) you according to their expectations of who you ought to be and who they need you to be.
Practice mindfulness daily. Take time to self-meditate – being physically in tune with your rhythmic breathing, your feet touching the ground, and the air filling your lungs. Focus on the physical sensations in your body, and all five senses in that given moment. Not only does this regulate your emotions and improve self-control, but it also decreases symptoms of anxiety, minimizes overthinking, improves your relationship with others as well as memory, focus, and self-awareness in preparation of stressful situations.
It’s simply a way to turn off living your life on auto-pilot.
Let go of the belief that you are not good enough. I could reiterate that no one is perfect – that as human beings we were designed to be imperfectly perfect – but I’m a zero-BS improvement blogger, so I would be sugar-coating the deep scar tissue that lies beneath.
The thing is if every single person believed they were not good enough, for anything or anyone, the human race would cease. All that has been created, discovered, and accomplished to date would not exist. Believing you are not good enough is fear, a fear that no accomplishment or amount of love, fortune, or success can fix.
In fact, it may not even be the fear of measure, but the feeling of unworthiness or insignificance – a deep lack of love for oneself that is solely dependent on others to fulfill. There’s a need to heal and shift this mindset.
Stop entertaining those who weigh you down. Fill your life with those who support you, not deplete you. Those who will listen with affirmation, not judgment. Those who won’t feel the need to compete, but celebrate your wins. Those who won’t submerge you into their own chaos in order to equate you.
In vice versa, mirror this to others.
Commit to understanding and acknowledging your healing. Quit brushing everything under your mental doormat, stockpiling your problems to use as leverage or in order to stay in the victim box mentality. Sure, everyone will always have some level of baggage they carry with them through life, but hold onto enough of it and most will see someone looking to hitchhike the emotional gravy-train (meaning expecting someone else to resolve/coddle their problems for them).
Eventually, all of that is going to spill over, bleed into, and damage external areas and relationships in your life where it isn’t intended. Know when you need to unpack your suitcase before it becomes too much for one to carry.
Seek temporary discomfort (change) over familiarity. Stop touching the stove when you know it’s hot. You are not bound to the things that happen to you. When you continue to accept and chase the very things that are familiar and predictable (for the unknown is scary and unpredictable), you restrict yourself to the ongoing suffering you’re comfortable feeling.
Set and honor boundaries in all aspects of your life. The saying is all very true, that those who are most impacted by your boundaries are the ones who were thriving from you not having them. That is more the reason to have boundaries because you are showing others what you will and will not tolerate in your life.
Practice what you preach. Why is this something so difficult to uphold? Your own advice to others is exactly the opposite of what you practice for yourself. Because underneath the callus exterior filled with doubt, fear, and feelings of unworthiness is the voice of reason. Listen, and really start “hearing” the message behind your inner voice.
Understand your capability in ‘unintentionally’ hurting someone. Because you can, and you will. You will also use every nerve-stricken force (and proof) to deny anything less than self-perfection. You’re a good person, but even good people do/say hurtful things. Acknowledge this (tell your ego to take a seat), understand this, accept this, and own it. This doesn’t make you less than human.
Stop living in denial. This can be refusing the truth in a circumstance, seeing something in others you can’t see in yourself, or pretending you can’t see something in yourself that you aren’t ready to deal with. You may be living a life that does not match your morals and values, blaming others instead of turning inward or avoiding change. When you continue to live in denial, you welcome and accept ongoing resentment and disappointment.
Healing won’t happen through avoidance. Staying away from the things that trigger you, or distancing yourself from the very things – and people – that cause you pain won’t heal you. Eventually, chaos can slither your way or drop an unforeseen bomb into your life that is unavoidable – sending you back to square one, again.
True healing comes in wavelengths, through bravery and dedication, where eventually you become a mage to your own emotions when a snake strikes or bomb descends. It is then you will be able to observe your own patterns, see that fork in the road and direct yourself to a new path in confidence. You are much stronger than you think – start giving yourself more credit!
Optimal health isn’t strictly physical. You can have the flattest abs, take your multi-vitamins, drink plenty of water daily, eat organic only, but if you aren’t dealing with cobwebs upstairs…you’re not taking optimal health into account. It’s time to normalize seeing a counselor or therapist the same way you would go to a doctor when you have the flu. Remember, nothing and nobody else can help change you…only YOU can change you.
Be okay with things that make you feel uncomfortable, but are vital in self-love. This goes for not being liked by others or having to let go of things (material possessions, past mistakes, or wrongdoings of others) in order to maintain your peace, having contentment in solitude, saying “No”, making a change for yourself you know others won’t take a liking or accepting to, speaking up, being honest rather than minimizing your truths, and walking in the opposite direction most may be going.
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